Faithful & Disappointed

 Sometimes it's easy to rush past the first chapter of Luke to get to the "Christmas story," but I've discovered some amazing things in Luke 1:1-25 as I've spent time there first. The story of Zechariah & Elizabeth, & the miraculous birth that would also be their story.

Zechariah & Elizabeth were both descendants of priests. At the time of what is written in Luke 1, Zechariah's division of priests was on duty at the temple.

Luke 1:6-7 says this about them:

"Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly. But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old."

In a couple of verses, Luke gets right to the heart of who Zechariah & Elizabeth are. After a little biographical information, we hear about their faithfulness to God and their biggest struggle.

Zechariah & Elizabeth were faithful to God. They served and obeyed Him. And they did all of this while also being disappointed. It was very hard that Elizabeth had been unable to conceive in their culture.

Faithful and disappointed.

Those words don't seem to go together at first glance, but I think they're apt descriptors of how many of us live. We're doing our best to be faithful to God, yet there's something that we're still waiting and hoping for - something we're disappointed about.

We continue on faithfully following God, but there's something we keep wondering if it will ever happen. We struggle to hold onto hope about it, because circumstances say it's probably not possible now. So our faithfulness is tinged with disappointment.

A few verses later, we see God show up in Zechariah's disappointment. It's not so much about what he was told would happen - although it's amazing - as it is about what the angel said to him first that I want to pay attention to.

"But the angel said to him, 'Do not be afraid Zechariah; your prayer has been heard'." (Luke 1:13a)

It's so often the case that when we're disappointed, we begin to fear that God isn't hearing our prayers. The angel reminds Zechariah that God has heard his prayers. That he doesn't have to fear or wonder if God has heard him.

Where are you wrestling with disappointment in your life?

How can you continually be faithful to God, even in the midst of your disappointment?

"A Holly, Jolly Christmas"

 I was listening to one of my Christmas albums as I drove home from errands a couple of days ago. The lyrics to one of the songs made me stop and think a bit. 

"Have a holly, jolly Christmas, 

It's the best time of the year

Now I don't know if there'll be snow

But have a cup of cheer.

. . .

Have a holly, jolly Christmas

And in case you didn't hear

Oh, by golly

Have a holly, jolly Christmas this year."

It's a fun song. There's nothing wrong with it, in terms of what it says.

But, as I listened, I realized this was the first time in a few years that I hadn't skipped over the song as soon as it started. A "holly, jolly Christmas" was not something I felt was possible the last few years. I was still grieving the loss of my Grandma, and Christmas was full of things that reminded me of her. Christmas was hard, and while there were really good moments, it was definitely not a "holly, jolly Christmas."

As I kept listening to the song, I started to reflect on how many of our Christmas songs are all about having a great time, about laughter, about joy. There's nothing wrong with any of that. Those are good things and the songs are good.

And we argue about whether we should wish someone a "merry Christmas" or "happy holidays" or something along those lines. But, the sentiment of what we argue about saying is all the same thing to people. They're about joy and happiness and good times.

Except that's not the reality of a lot of people. Life isn't full of joy and happiness. It's hard. It's painful. It's messy. There's family conflict, and serious illness, and loss that are part of it. And, the Christmas season doesn't remove those things or suddenly make them easier. Often, it actually makes them more difficult.

And, as I reflect on the original Christmas story, I wonder if our focus on the joy and happiness to the exclusion of everything else, is a bit misplaced. Things were not easy for God's people at the time that Jesus came. They were living under the control of the Roman empire. They lived in poverty and oppression. This is what Jesus was born into.

Yes, Mary and Joseph trusted God and moved forward with the parts He had given them in His plan. Yes, the shepherds came and worshipped and shared the news as they left. Yes, the wise men came from the faraway land with gifts to worship Jesus the King.

But, Jesus coming didn't erase the other facts of their lives. Jesus coming didn't mean that they weren't still living under the rule of the Roman empire. 

Jesus entered into the pain of the people. He met them in it. We see that all through His ministry in the gospels. 

And, maybe we can being to do that. We can worship in the midst of the pain and the struggle. We can see all that Jesus coming brought, without having to pretend to be happy, or that our hard circumstances don't exist.

Alongside the songs about having "a holly, jolly Christmas" we can have the lament. The cries of pain. The cries of "Come Thou Long Expected Jesus." Neither one option or the other is adequate on it's own. We need them both alongside each other. 

And we need to allow both the joy and lament at this time of year. It's not a merry Christmas for everyone, and that's okay. We can and should allow for all that comes with this time of year.

Navigating the Holiday Season Alone - Part 2

In my last post, I wrote about being alone in the midst of this season and something God showed me through His Word. It wasn't where I was planning to go, but it was a good starting place. This post is a little bit more practical in how to navigate this season.

I'm going to start with what is arguably the most difficult part of navigating this, but I would say also the most important. It has nothing to do with the actions of others. It's all about our heart and how we choose to respond.

My first practical suggestion on how to navigate this season: assume the best of others and don't take offense. This isn't easy and it's not usually our first reaction. But it's vital.

When you don't get the invite or you get a generic invite for you and your partner, it's easy to start thinking about how insensitive people are or to assume they did it intentionally. But, that just puts us in a prison of our own making.

Start by talking to God about it when this happens. As Him to help you not be offended, to not hold onto hurt or offense.

That leads to my second suggestion: if the person is a trusted friend, take the courageous step of talking to them about it. Don't go into the conversation blaming them for it. But, be brave enough to tell them that you struggled and were by being the only one excluded. Don't tell them what they were thinking or did; tell them what your experience of it was. This can be a great opportunity for you both to understand each other better.

In the midst of it all, remember where your identity is found. It's not found in your relationship status or the number of invites you get to holiday parties. It comes from being a child of God and He loves you exactly as you are.

Navigating the Holiday Season Alone

 It's the time of year where it can feel like singleness is seen as more of an issue than otherwise. There's always times and places where not having a partner feel a bit awkward, but for some reason at this time of year, it's even more so than usual.

But the season of invitations sent to "you and your partner" has begun. These invitations even come from those who know you're single.

It's the season of walking alone into holiday parties that are completely set up for couples.

Or of net even being invited to things with people you usually spend lots of time with simply because you're single.

And that means it can be a season of more alone-ness. Of more feeling on the outside. A season of the pain of exclusion or differentness, all while being told to merry and joyful.

It can be hard. There have been times when I've wanted nothing more than to turn the pages on the calendar quickly so we can get past this all and things go back to normal.

As I've wrestled through how to navigate this time of year, I was looking for practical tips and tools. I wanted a clear way to manager this without the hurt. But, that's not what I found.

Instead, I found myself drawn to the familiar Christmas story. To Mary and Joseph's experience. An unwed couple. Mary pregnant and saying it was from God. In their culture, this was absolutely scandalous. It left them on the outside - excluded.

All they could do was trust God and hold onto His promise to them.

As I reflected on this. I felt like God was reminding me that he sees and cares for the one who feels outside. Even though things didn't look like Mary and Joseph would have expected and it was hard, they weren't alone. God saw them and cared for them.

He does the same for us.

While being single during the holiday season is different than Mary and Joseph's story, the reminder that God sees us through it is valuable and important.

Whatever our situation, however we feel in it, God sees us and is with us.

People Are Complex

Today was a day where I got unexpected, yet somewhat expected news, about someone I grew up with. Not, the kind of news you want to get about someone and the end of their life.

I wasn't surprised that things came to this. But, I also wasn't prepared for it to come to this.

It's made me think about how people are complex beings. And that makes relationships complex things.

This person had their challenges. They were hard to be with at times. Unpredictable. 

At the same time, underneath all the pain in their life, they had a heart of gold. They cared about the people around them, even if they had a difficult time expressing it or acting like it at times.

Isn't that true of so many people?

Even if there are challenges and difficulties in our relationships with them, there's often also good things in those same relationships.

I'm not talking about relationships where it's dangerous to be with them. That's different.

But, when that's not the case, we live with these complex situations all the time.

I'm honestly not sure how to wrap this up today. These are the thoughts running through my mind as the reality of this news sinks in.

Knowing People's Names Isn't Enough

 Have you ever been in a place where you knew the name of many people in the room and you still felt alone & disconnected?

Maybe you even knew a few facts about the people - their job, if they're married, if they have kids - but you still leave that event feeling like you didn't really connect with anyone?

It's likely you know exactly what I'm talking about. You probably have your own experiences of it. It's something common to many people.

This way of living and interacting has become the norm in our culture. But, it isn't how God has designed us to live. We feel lonely and disconnected because we're missing some of the things that are vitally important to having the community we were created for.

Knowing people's names and factual information about them is not enough. We have to go beyond those surface conversations with some people. That's what we were made for that we're missing.

In our appearance and image-obsessed culture, we've sacrificed being real. We're so focused on how we appear on social media and to the strangers we pass as we run our errands, that we don't share what's really going on.

Even the "struggles" we share in our attempts to "be real" in these environments are carefully chosen. We share carefully crafted words and things that are still planned to make others think well of us.

What we're actually longing for people where we don't have to think about what we share. 

We need people who will genuinely celebrate the good things in life with us. 

People we can laugh so hard with that we cry or snort and we don't care.

People who will sit and cry with us.

People we can ugly cry in the same space as without worrying what they think of us.

People who will sit with in whatever is going on without giving advice or trying to fix it.

People who will ask us the hard questions and tell us the hard truth when we need it.

We've sacrificed this for surface=level conversations where we maintain our image. And we're lonelier than ever because of it.

The only solution is to take the risk and invite people into this kind of community with us. To move beyond the surface-level conversations to deeper conversations.

The Problem of 90s Purity Culture

 If you grew up in church youth groups in the 90s, then the title of this post tells you a lot what I'm going to talk about today. But, for those of you who don't know, I'll start with a bit of a summary.

The 90s was when the "True Love Waits" movement. complete with signing pledge cards and purity rings was in full swing. While the message of what the Bible says about how we should love with our sexuality was well-intentioned, it was carried to an extreme that caused harm and hurt to a lot of those who grew up in it.

As part of trying to get teenagers to understand what happens when you go outside of God's plan for our sexuality, the example of pulling tape apart after you stuck it together was often use. While it is true that God has good reason for the way He instructs us to handle our sexuality in Scripture, and we can live with the consequences of our choices, that example was harmful. In many cases, it left those listening feeling like they were forever damaged and unforgivable for things they had done.

Even for those who didn't cross those lines, there was hard, although it may not have been as immediately visible until into our adult years. In all the purity culture teaching of the 90s, there was an implication that if you follow God's plan for your sexuality as a teenager, God would reward you with marriage in your early twenties and great sex in your marriage. Neither of which were a guarantee or a reality for many.

What this purity culture teaching did was create a generation of people who were brought up afraid of experiencing God's judgement. And forever wondering if you've been good enough in this area. We keep quiet about our struggles in this area out of shame and fear of judgement.

And, if we haven't stayed on the path we were taught in youth group, we struggle to believe we can be forgiven for it. We live in defeat, condemnation, and judgement of ourselves.

The only way to bring healing to the spiritual trauma in this area for many of us is to acknowledge the pain, bring it out of the secret places, and let it be witnessed. Exactly what I've written about in previous posts on the topic of spiritual trauma.

But bring this into the open isn't easy when the teaching is ingrained in you causes shame if you've stumbled or struggled in this area. There's shame and a stigma that carries over. Speaking up and sharing personally, if at all, often comes in mumbled admissions, faltering words. And how others respond can begin the healing journey or further the wounding.

Spiritual Bypassing

Today I'm talking about an example of spiritual trauma that we easily fall into. Often we don't even know we're doing this. But, we have to be aware of it, if we're going to move forward better in this.

Spiritual bypassing is probably something we've all done at times. Often not intentionally, but we've done it nonetheless. 

What is spiritual bypassing?

"Spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual practices. It prevents people from acknowledging what they are feeling and distance them from both themselves and others." (verywellmind.com, Spiritual Bypassing as a Defense Mechanism)

Okay, definition aside, what does it look like? How do we define it practically?

When we engage in spiritual bypassing we take very real emotions and struggles people are having and cover them with spiritual words about trusting God and praying more. Rather than acknowledging the pain of someone, we bury it in spiritual language.

Here's what makes this so hard: Trusting God in our struggles is important. Prayer is an important way of walking through the hard times in life. We actually need those things.

So, what's the problem?

The problem comes when we use those things to deny or repress what's really going on. When they're used to stop people from really feeling the emotions and acknowledging what's going on.

"The denial of emotion using a similar strategy or repression and spiritual bypassing, especially when well-meaning, can leave a person feeling misunderstood and like their painful emotions need to go away for them to belong, to stay connected, and to be okay. We know well by now that emotions that go unfelt do not go away. They stay there, lingering, asking to be addressed by getting louder, which can only serve to reinforce the same pattern in some situations that come up, and again they repress and deny them." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 3: Shards of Glass)

Because it too often becomes normal to us, we easily get stuck in patterns of spiritual bypassing. We don't even realize we're doing it.

Let me share an example from my own experience to illustrate this.

I've written here before about living with an anxiety disorder. Sometimes you wouldn't know and other times it's a more obvious struggle. In times when it's more difficult where I've chosen to share this struggle with someone, I've had 1 Peter 5:7 or Philippians 4:6-7 quoted to me as the solution. Or I get told I should pray more. 

These are classic examples of spiritual bypassing. Not because those Scriptures aren't good to read, or prayer is unimportant. My struggle with anxiety in the moment is responded to  as if it's something I'm doing wrong spiritually and it is solved by Scripture and prayer. No acknowledgement of the struggle I'm dealing with in that moment.

So, what should be do instead?

Take time to listen to what someone is saying. Care about them in that moment. Invite honesty about the emotions they're really dealing with. Don't just look for the Bible verse or spiritual practice you can throw at them. Sit in the discomfort that comes in life at times with the other person.

It's More than You Think

 Maybe you're like I was when I first heard of spiritual trauma. Your mind automatically goes to the accounts of sexual abuse, of financial control, of other quite extreme and obvious examples.

But, what if I was to tell you that's often much more subtle? That it often occurs in ways that don't look like they have any issues on the surface?

". . . there are these gross injustices that happen in some spiritual contexts, but all about how some communities or faiths seem to take a clear preference for personality structures. There are the obviously overt traumas, and then there are these more subtle ways of preferencing people and making other people feel inferior." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 8: Unsettling Ourselves)

I think we miss the prevalence of spiritual trauma and the seriousness of the problem because we relegate it to the big, horrific events. And, in doing so, we don't realize how much it happens in much smaller ways that are repeated over and over again.

At the risk of over-simplifying it, let me ask you this: How many times have you been in a church group and there is an expectation of your spiritual maturity being shown by the way you participate in the discussion or pray out loud during prayer time?

This is often unspoken. But if you're quieter in a group, you feel it. The looks from others. The silence once everyone else ahs spoken while everyone waits for you to finally pray.

The outcome of this experience for the individual depends on the supports and safe places a person has. If there are people who respect and understand the individual, then those group experiences may be little more than temporary uncomfortable moments. 

But, if they happen often enough or they're the only experiences we have, they have a much bigger impact and could become a form of spiritual trauma.

If those are things that can become spiritual trauma for someone, then it's more prevalent than we may think at first. And it means, it's even more important that we work to understand it.

Community is Part of Healing

 ". . . the healing of trauma cannot happen without the presence of connection." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 6: Seeing & Believing)

As much as people are the source of spiritual trauma, we need people in the healing of it. This isn't easy. When people have caused our pain, we want to hide and put wall up to protect ourselves.

"The experience of being witnessed, as it turns out, is foundational to our ability to heal. We are relational. Our pain needs to be held tenderly as we speak truthfully about it. And whether we tell the story or not, or the people around us know what to do with this information or not, we all deserve spaces where we are felt, known, and trust that we are believed, even if we choose not to share." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 6: Seeing & Believing)

We don't share the story with just anyone or with everyone. We won't share the story with most people. But the community, whether inside or outside of the church, that we are surrounded with is central to healing spiritual trauma.

The pain needs to be witnessed when it is share, in whatever form that is. And, the love and support of others is needed as new ways of thinking and living are learned.

Like so much in our lives, we weren't made to and we can't get through it all on our own. We need safe people walking with us though all of it.

We Have to Break the Silence

 So much of the hurt that happens in religious contexts is kept quiet. We feel like we can't or shouldn't say anything about it - often because of exactly the teachings that brought us the pain in the first place that told us we had to keep it quiet.

"Our wounds, whatever they are, are made more powerful by the silence around them, voicelessness, at times the fear of disruption, or the internalized silencing of our voices being trapped by those with the most power, telling us not to trust what our pain told us. The naming of what has hurt us, is the very undoing of the cloak of invisibility that keeps the pain stuck. And this - the naming, the unveiling, the 'unsettling truth' as Mark Charles calls it - as painful as it is, this is central to how we heal our spiritual trauma." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 1: The House is Haunted)

I think this may be the hardest part at times. Putting words to the pain. Admitting it out loud.

But it's important and needed.

And it often just affirms what our bodies are already telling us.

"Our bodies always tells the truth. Even if we find a way to cover it up at first, the story always comes out - if not in our thoughts, or in our relationships, then always in our bodies." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 1: The House is Haunted)

But, in our silence, we've also been taught to mistrust our bodies. So we ignore what they're trying to tell us.

The healing that comes when we begin to break the silence with safe people in safe places is significant.

So, the silence must be broken. We cannot continue to live in silence about the pain that many are living with.

Even if it starts with faltering words, with unclear thoughts. As the silence is broken, healing can begin.

What is Spiritual Trauma?

 I think this question is the most important place we can begin. It's where I started my journey.

But it's also something that didn't have a simple definition, because there's not a clear, specific line that can be drawn. As I've discovered, what is a traumatic experience for one person may not be in the same way for someone else. And how traumatic an experience is can depend to a large degree on the support and reactions of others someone receives before, during, and after the experience.

Here is the best definition of spiritual trauma I found in my study:

"Spiritual trauma is described as being negatively impacted by religious teachings or ideologies. Trauma may stem from the broader faith system, such as various beliefs or ideologies. Spiritual trauma can also come from an individual within your local faith-based community, such as religious leader or a small group of people." (insessionpsych.com "What is Spiritual Trauma & How Does It Impact Me?")

As I think more about this, I begin to see the ways and places that can happen without it being intentional. In our desire to live lives of faith that are honouring to God, we make things into imperatives - things we must do - to belong, to show our obedience. And we put those who don't into categories of less than as believers, or even as outsiders until they begin to live up to our imperatives.

Let me be abundantly clear: I'm not saying that Scripture doesn't have clear teaching on how we are to live. It does and we respond to God's incredible love for us by living the way His Word outlines.

But, we get it wrong when we make these teachings about how to live and keeping them completely the mark of belonging. And shame and judge and exclude those who don't. We don't earn our standing before God or His love for us; we receive it as a gift.

What I Spent my Summer Studying

 Over the next while, I'm going to be taking things on here in a bit of a different direction than I've gone before. I spent the summer working to better understand what spiritual trauma is and how it impacts people. The next little bit of posts (I don't know how many yet) will be mu wrestling with and thoughts from what I've read and heard.

Before, I get too far into this topic, a few words about what is coming feel necessary. This isn't a light topic or something easy to read about or grasp. It's hard and it's heartbreaking. You can't dig in the topic of spiritual trauma without reading and hearing about immense pain, wounding, and heartbreak in people's lives.

I'm far from an expert on the topic. I have a business degree, not a counselling or psychology degree. The more I've dug into this over the summer, the less I've felt like I will ever really know or understand. While there's lots to be learned as fact, the reality is that this is about people's stories and experiences. And that means there's always nuance and layers to it. There's also different degrees of how it will be experienced by different people - what's a big deal to one person may not be a big deal to another person.

The first thing I realized as I dug into this is that it's far more prevalent than I thought. Because of the varying degrees of what is experienced and how different people respond to things, we can't say certain things are or aren't spiritual trauma. We also may not realize that the person sitting next to us in church is dealing with it. It often goes unmentioned, even unnoticed by people.

It's also quite possible that we've been on both side of the equation with this - especially if we've been in the church for a long time. We've experienced things that could fall within or close to the label of spiritual trauma. And, maybe even harder to face, we've possibly also been a part of it for someone else, often unintentionally.

So, with that, this is my invitation to join me on a journey. It will be wandering and hard sometimes, but I also believe hopeful. When we face the painful realities of what has happened to us, and around us, healing can begin.

As I write this, I'm also realizing I've very indebted to the Holy/Hurt podcast by Dr. Hillary McBride. It was one of the most accessible and real discussion I found on this topic.

Creating a Community that Includes All

 As we begin a new year of Bible studies, small groups, classes, and other plans in our churches, I've been thinking a lot about how we create a community where everyone feels welcome and included. Where marital status and life circumstances don't define the only places where you belong and where you don't.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have singles' groups, divorce groups, men's & women's groups, marriage groups at all. Those are important and have a place.

But they can't be all we offer.

We need more where all the people who are part of these different groups are also living life together.

We like to talk about being the family of God, but sometimes I think we forget what that means.

If you look at an extended family, it typically includes a variety of people. Some married, some single, some kids, some without kids. But, that doesn't stop the people in that family from coming together.

If we are the family of God, then we should have all different people - of varying ages, genders, and marital statuses - mingling together. Leaning how to live life together. Learning from each other and with each other.

But, we don't always do this well. Obviously, we're naturally drawn to people whose lives look similar to ours. When lives look similar, we have easy things to connect on. It can come much easier than connecting with someone whose life looks different.

When we only connect with the people it's easy to connect with, we miss out on a richness of friendships that comes if we go beyond the obvious connections with people. We have to choose to take the time and make the space to build relationships that take work. This is the opposite of our instant society, but it's worth it.

So, all of our ministries cannot be segregated by marital status, or age, or gender. We can help these rich relationships form and make everyone feel welcome by not always labelling our small groups or activities with a marital status, gender, or age. And those who lead need to welcome and include all who come through the door.

It's that simple and that hard all at the same time.

What We Need to Say & Do Instead (Part 8)

 I've spent the summer talking about things we need to stop saying. As summers draws to a close and my list of these things is all written about, I feel like it's important to take a moment to look at the other side. If we're supposed to stop saying some things, we need to have something to do or say instead. I know I wrote about that in some of the posts, but the others were more difficult.

As I wrap up this series, I'm realizing that it all comes down to actually taking time to have a real conversation and really listen to what someone is saying. So much of the time, we end up challenging situations because we're not really listening to each other.

Or, what the person is saying makes us feel uncomfortable, so we respond with a platitude hoping that will end the conversation on that topic and our discomfort with it. But, while our comment may end the discomfort, it perpetuates the pain, the struggle, and the desire to really be seen and heard by the other person.

Our culture doesn't teach us to listen well, or to engage in conversations that bring discomfort. We learn how to distract ourselves and disengage from these conversations. But, that actually is why there are so many thing we need to stop saying. We only sort of listen most of the time and get in trouble because of what we miss.

Ultimately, we need to take the time to actually pay attention to the other person in the conversation. Instead of looking for a quick response and a way out of a conversation that might be somewhat uncomfortable for us, we need to take the time to have a real conversation. To really listen. To ask questions to understand more. To care about the other person in the conversation.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 7)

 "You won't understand because you're single or don't have kids."

These words inevitably come when someone is talking about a reality they're facing that relates to marriage or kids.

I won't argue that there are parts of the situation I may not understand because I haven't experienced it myself. But, it's like that in almost everything in life. Even if I don't completely understand everything, I can still listen, ask questions, and pray.

The ironic thing is these words are often said by people who feel they can speak into and understand my world, even though they haven't experienced things exactly the way I have. It almost comes across that because someone is married and/or has kids, they automatically have wisdom and insight into all of life, that a single person can't possibly have.

Can I be blunt for a moment?

If you got married in your twenties and had kids soon after, your experience of singleness was nothing like mine is as I enter my forties as a single person. Your experience doesn't compare. My own experience of singleness in my twenties doesn't compare to what it is now.

But, that also doesn't mean I'm going to discount anything you say or assume you won't understand anything at all. That difference may mean I'll filter some of your advice or thoughts through my experience and I may challenge your thoughts sometimes. 

I'll approach it with the thought that your own experiences may help me see things I'm missing if I stay limited to only my own experience. Sometimes someone completely outside our experience sees something we can't and helps us to understand something better. That's how God intended for things to work when He created us to need each other.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 6)

 As I was writing in a coffee shop a couple weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with the person at the table next to me. They asked why I was writing this series.

I explained that these things are unhelpful to everyone in the conversation and they make the single person in the conversation feel like there's something wrong with them or they're doing something wrong. 

The response I got was another thing that we need to stop saying. This is something we need to stop saying in any situation - not just in conversations with singles.

"You just need to stop taking things so personally."

In my opinion, this is one of the most unhelpful things we can say to anyone ever.

In these nine words, we cause more hurt and pain than we often understand. We dismiss the very valid feelings and struggles of the person. We minimize the challenges of the person we say it to.

It is completely true that there are times when we take things much more personally than they were meant. We read too much into the other person's words. We take on an interpretation they never meant.

But, even in these situations, telling someone not to take it personally just makes it hurt more. We would be better served to acknowledge that the person was hurt by what we said, even if we don't understand why it was such a big deal to them. And then, if opportunity affords it, to have a further conversation for both sides to understand each other better.

A better response to someone when we what we're saying is not as big a deal as they seem to think it is, would be to ask them to explain more. Not just say "why," but let them know you want to understand better - that you care enough about them as a person to listen to what they have to say.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 5)

 "If you just stop desiring marriage, you'll find the person to marry."

I can't count the number of times I've been told this, because it's happened so often. And never in a helpful way; instead, always in response to me simply expressing the fact that I would like to be married one day.

I'm not sure how simply acknowledging that desire is a bad thing. If marriage is something created by God, then how can having a desire for it be wrong?

I'm not talking about being obsessed with the desire. There may be some occasions where the person is obsessed with getting married that they do need to surrender that desire to God. But, my experience says that this is exceedingly rare. Most singles who desire marriage are far from obsessed with it.

When it comes to relationships, it seems like we tell people not have a desire for anything and definitely not pursue it. But, in any other area of life, we tell people to go after what they want. It really makes no sense that we do this.

Saying this assumes a lot about the motives of some's life. Unless you know the person really well, you likely don't have enough relationship to not make assumptions. And most people who have said this to me didn't know me well enough to actually know if I was obsessed with getting married or not.

Even if someone does need to surrender this desire, that conversation is best and will most likely be heard if it happens in the context of a friendships with someone who has taken the time to get to know them and care about their lives. The acquaintance or stranger at church is not going to have an effective conversation about it. And the passing comment is just going to bring a defensive response.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 4)

 "You don't have anyone at home waiting for you, so should be the one to fill that need. You have time."

This one I really wish I'd never heard, but I've heard it in some form on more than one occasion.

I believe there's a couple of reasons why we need to stop saying this. First, it often ignores the gifts and abilities of the person it's said to. The place where there's a need to be filled may be something that the single person knows they won't do well, and may even dread.

For example, I've had people push me towards volunteering in kid's ministry because of need. There's just one big problem with that . . . I don't particularly like kids. I love my niece and will do things with her, but generally I don't like spending time with kids. I would make a terrible kid's ministry volunteer because I'd be dreading it and counting the minutes til I was done. It's actually better if the space is left open for someone who likes kids even a little bit, than for me to fill it.

The second reason why we need to stop saying this is because of the assumptions about the time a single person has that it makes. Yes, it's true that there's no one waiting for me to get home. But, that also means I'm the only one to do everything at home. Instead of having another person to share in the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and other household tasks, I do all of that on my own. That takes up a large portion of the time I have that comes from no one else being at home.

The problem with saying this really comes down to the assumptions being made about another person and their life, just based on the external facts you see. We get ourselves in dangerous territory when we do this with any person for any reason.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 3)

Here's the third thing in my series on things we need to stop saying:

Anything at all that implies how good your sex like is and how the single person you're talking to is missing out.

This is just not appropriate.

I'm actually baffled by how much about the topic of sex is considered taboo to talk about in Christian circles, but comments like this are somehow acceptable.

There may be places where this conversation is good and helpful, but not when you're talking to a single person. And especially not when you say it in a way to make them feel like they're missing out on something.

It doesn't make the single person you say it to want to pursue marriage more. It doesn't make them make more intentional choices to pursue marriage. Many times, they're already doing everything they can, but when it's dependent on another person, you don't have all the control.

Instead, it makes them feel looked down on and like they're seen as less than. It can make them feel pitied for missing out.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 2)

 "Why are you still single?"

This is another thing we need to stop saying.

It's not helpful.

The question is usually preceded or follow by something about how great of a person someone is. 

But the question often hurts and takes away from anything else that was said alongside it.

Why does it hurt?

It points out that the person is still single, even with all these good things about them. It feels like being single is seen as a problem that should be solved. It implies that there is something wrong with being single, especially if you have all these good qualities that are given.

Instead of encouraging someone with good things you see in them, the message that can actually come across is that there's something wrong with you because you have all these good qualities and yet you're still single. It makes the person on the receiving end feel incomplete or less than.

The last reason why we need to stop asking this question is that it's an impossible question to answer for all, but a very select few. There may be a few people who know they have a specific message from God that they are to be single for a time or for their lives, but those people are not common. Most of us have no way to answer the question, so asking it, and then expecting an answer, does no good.

I realize not all who ask are looking for an actual answer to the question. But, even when it's just left hanging with no answer, there's an element of struggle to find an answer felt. And it leaves an uncertainness for those who are asked.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 1)

 Can we please stop telling people that marriage is the greatest tool God can use for sanctification?

It's something I hear all too often, and as a single adult it's frustrating.

It's actually hurtful to many.

As a single adult, it comes across as meaning I don't have the opportunity for sanctification because I'm not married. And, yes, I've had people say that.

With single adults a large and growing number of people in our churches, comments like this alienate more people that we realize.

And, let's be honest, God has a lot more tools to use for our sanctification than just marriage. He's not limited. We make Him out to be smaller than He actually is when we decide what His best tools for sanctification are.

As long as we are living in relationship with God, He can do the work of sanctification in our lives. He can use any situation or relationship or things that come our way to sanctify us. And He does, if we allow Him to.

Yes, marriage is a tool God can use for sanctification. 

So are roommates, friends, coworkers, neighbours, family members. 

So it trusting God through a challenging time. 

So is persevering to finish a project that didn't come naturally or was filled with challenges.

Ultimately, anything in our lives can be a tool God uses for our sanctification, if we'll allow it to be.

But, that's the key with all of this. We have to allow it to be a way of sanctification. If we don't, then it won't be.

Risking to Let Someone In

 

Clear blue skies.

Fluffy white clouds floating by.

Afternoon sun making it feel much warmer than the 30 degrees the temperature says it is.

A gentle breeze keeping almost comfortable.

The cool water of the creek flowing over our feet.

Birds chirping in the trees surrounding me.

The sound of rushing water providing the background for the chirping birds.

I honestly don't know what could be more peaceful. A respite from the busyness and stress of life. Calm in the middle of storms.

The tree across the creek from me stands tall and barren. A white pole in the midst of the lush green. From this distance I can't tell if it's dead or alive. I can get close enough to see if there are buds or signs of life.

It makes me wonder if we could say the same things about our lives.

How often do we stand alone, feeling barren, in the midst of lush life around us?

We've kept people at a distance. They can't tell if there's life in us or not. No one knows looking at us from the outside. No one gets close enough to actually see.

Unlike this tree, we make the choice to keep everybody at a distance. We build up the walls and protections to keep people from knowing what's really going on. We isolate and self-protect.

We think we're doing a good thing, but we end up actually causing ourselves harm. In our quest to look like we have it all together, we close ourselves up from what we really need. While trying to keep from getting hurt by others, we actually hurt ourselves.

So what does it look like to open up? To all others in? To allow people to see if there are signs of life?

It means taking a risk. We have to be intentional about opening up with others. And that might mean we get hurt sometimes. But, for all the times it does go well when we risk letting people in, it will be worth it to take the risk.

So, who is one person in your life you can take the risk with?

And, what is one thing you can risk sharing?

Pursuing Community as a Single Adult

 Our culture prides itself on independence - on not needing other people. We do everything ourselves and often by ourselves. It's often what we announce to others in our social media posts and face-to-face interactions.

As a single adult, the pressure to be able to do it all sometimes feel unnecessarily high. It's seen of a sing of achieving some level of maturity to live alone. Being able to look after all your needs in every area - work, home, family, etc - is an achievement of sorts that should be announced to the world.

But, it's also lonely. It's hard some days to go home, because it means I won't see anyone, often until the next day. I miss the interaction with people. It makes it hard to take vacation sometimes, because at least if I go to work, I see and interact with people for part of everyday.

There's also been an abundance of news stories, and the studies to back it up, that we are the loneliest generation in history, especially in the western world. We've built lives and created systems that segregate  and isolate us. We've allowed disagreement to drive us apart. We've become too dependent on demographic information about people to determine if we'll communicate or get to know one another.

But this isn't how God designed us to live. God created us to live in community. To know and be known by people. To need each other. To help each other. To get into each other's lives and speak truth - even when it's hard. To encourage, care for, support each other.

And as a single adult, these are even more important, but it also seems like my singleness presents an obstacle to many in the church when it comes to including me. Even though there are some differences in our lives, there are also many things that are similar. Being single is far from the only thing about me that there is to know.

I know it's possible to have community with people whose lives all look very different on the surface. Until a few years ago, I was part of a caregroup, where this kind of community was what we had.

So, how do we do this? What does it look like to pursue community?

It takes us being intentional with our relationships with people. We have to make an effort to connect. And then, we need to actually learn to admit when we have a need and let people help us. We have to choose to invite people into our lives and respond to their invitations for us to come into their lives.

And we need to let it happen with people whose lives may not look completely identical to ours on the surface. That's sometimes where the richest community can happen. 

I was reminded of this last night. I was sitting in Starbucks with a group of women from a Bible study at church. At a glance, we didn't have a lot in common, but we talked and laughed and enjoyed the time together for the evening. And, some of my closest friendships have come from groups exactly like this.

How are you pursuing community?

Are you willing to admit when you need help from someone? And give someone the opportunity to to help us?

Are you willing to be intentional about seeking people out and building relationships with them?

We Can't Rush Through It

 Last week I shared a picture of an Oh Henry chocolate bar on Instagram and Facebook. Someone just scrolling past may have wondered why I put a picture of a chocolate bar there.

In the words with the picture I shared the reason why. I hadn't eaten an Oh Henry bar in years, but I was looking for some chocolate and had picked one up. As I sat in my car waiting for my niece to be done so I could take her home, I ate it. The simple act of eating a chocolate bar brought back a flood of memories.

When I would golf with my Grandma, we would stop at the snack shop after the first nine holes to replenish our snacks and drinks for the second nine. Grandma always wanted the snacks to be something that provide the fuel needed. Oh Henry bars were full of peanut so it was almost always an easy sell to get one. In the heat of summer, we ate it quickly after we bought it.

So, on that day last week, as I ate an Oh Henry bar that would have melted if I didn't eat it quickly, memories of the many hours of time I spent on the golf course with my Grandma came flooding back. Those hours were times of security and peace in the midst of a world that felt anything but that.

It's been almost two years since my Grandma passed away, and many more since she was able to be the person I talked to about stuff, but in that moment last week I missed her a lot.

I missed her presence.

I missed her hugs.

I missed her smile.

I missed her laugh.

I missed the way she listened so intently when you talked to her.

I missed the wisdom she freely shared.

I missed being able to phone her and get her advice on how to lead something in a Bible study.

I missed her prayers.

The pain and sorrow of the loss is still there. It feels different than it did two years ago, but it's still there. And I'm learning that's okay. I've still lived more of my life with my Grandma in it, than I have without her. There's still a person missing in the place she once filled in my life. And I can acknowledge and feel that loss. In fact, I need to.

The challenge is that we don't like those emotions. When they came up last week, it was tempting to try to push them away. To pretend they weren't there.

We want to rush past or push down sorrow, pain, grief. We want a quick timeline for when they will be done. But, that's a problem. It's a journey that we have to walk through, however long it takes.

So, last week, I acknowledged what I was feeling. I let myself feel the sadness. And I reminded myself that it's a loss because I loved my Grandma. And I remembered how so much of what she taught me through her words and actions still lives on in me today.

It reminds me that I need to be intentional about allowing myself space. And also to allow others space for the journey they're on. We can't rush through these. We can't push them away.

The Limitations of our Labels

 Labels.

We use them everywhere in life. They're on items we purchase. They tell us what we need to know about lots of items in our lives - whether it's the ingredients or the use. 

They're usually helpful. And, often, they're necessary.

We also use labels for people. And they can be somewhat helpful in some situations. But. it's easy to take our labels too far with people.

Labels can help us create groups of similar people that may be interested in particular things. They can help us identify who certain groups or classes or events may be most appropriate for or interesting to.

The problems comes when we start using labels as someone's identity. When we take something that may be one of the many things about a person and make the only thing about the person, we use labels wrongly. We use them in a way that causes pain to people when we do this - whether we do this to other people or to ourselves.

I've dealt with this in a couple of specific situations in my life. The first being with the label of being single. It's absolutely true that I am single. It's a label that is factually true. But, I've been in situations where I'm being introduced to new people and the introduction I get essentially boils down to: "This is Tamara. She's single."

In those five words, the person introducing me us using "single" as my identity. Completely ignoring the fact that I'm also a friend, daughter, sister, auntie, ministry leader, etc. Somehow being single is who I am in these words, and it hurts to have my identity boiled down to a label that only describes a part of my life.

While others often take labels and make our identity, we can also do that to ourselves. I know I have. I've written here before about my struggles with anxiety and what it means to life a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder. In that previous sentence, I chose my words carefully. I struggle with anxiety and I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. 

In the past, I have made those labels my identity; I used the words "I am an anxious person" to describe myself. It may not seem like a big deal in the moment, but those words change everything in how I think about myself. I don't want anxiety to be my identity.

So, while labels can be helpful, they have limitations. We need to make sure we're not turning them into identities - whether for others or ourselves.

The One Sunday of the Year I'm Very Tempted to Just Skip Church

 It's not very often that I'm tempted to skip church. But, there is one weekend where it becomes a serious consideration.

What Sunday is that?

Mother's Day.

And not because I have anything against the day. 

Or because I don't have a good relationship with my own mother. We have our disagreements, but, for the most part, we have a good relationship.

So, why is it a weekend I'm tempted to skip church?

Because of how Mother's Day has been handled so often in the past. Always, with really good intentions of celebrating and affirming the mothers in church that morning.

But, also, often hard for many. For those who don't have children of their own, because they've never had the chance. For those who don't have children, because they haven't been able to. For those who have lost a child. For those who didn't or don't have a good relationship with their mothers. For those who recently lost their mother.

In the process of honouring mothers on this day, there have been many times that I have been the only woman in the part of the church sanctuary I was sitting in who was still seated when they asked all the mothers in the service to stand. Or the times, a hand offering the gift that morning to the mothers there has been pulled back from me when they realize who I am.

All of those moments, painful reminders that my life doesn't look like I thought it would. That I don't have a part of my life that I thought I would by now.

And, so I'm tempted to skip church on Mother's Day. Not just choose to join online instead, but completely skip it.

So, what do we do?

I won't say we shouldn't acknowledge the mothers at church. But, we need to be creative in doing so in a way that doesn't so obviously identify who does not have children. 

Do Your Circumstances Determine How You See God?

 "We tend to judge God by our circumstances, rather than our circumstances by who we know God is."

I heard that statement recently on a podcast I was listening to. I back the podcast up a couple minutes to listen again, so I could write it down without missing a word.

Let me say it again:

"We tend to judge God by our circumstances, rather than our circumstance by who we know God is."

Now, let me ask you what you tendency is:

Do you tend to judge God by your circumstances?

Or do you judge your circumstances by who you know God is?

It you're anything like me, there's the way you want to answer this . . . the way that you know should be true, and is sometimes. But, to be honest, we also have to admit that we the other sometimes too.

And how we answer that question has major implications for how we live and how we walk through whatever circumstances we're facing.

When we judge God by our circumstances, our response to and interaction with Him changes based on what we're facing. When things are good, God is good is loves us. When our circumstances get hard or something unexpected comes, we begin to doubt God. We wonder if He loves us. We wonder if He cares. And we begin to operate as He's unjust and uncaring. We can easily get overwhelmed and give up hope.

When we look at our circumstances through the lens of who we know God is, it doesn't remove the fact that things can be hard sometimes, or that we have questions and doubts. It means that we hold on to who we know God is in the middle of those doubts and questions. We have an anchor to hold onto in the hard times.

To see our circumstances through the lens of who God is, requires that we take the time to get to know Him. To develop a relationship with Him. Something we can lean on when things are hard and questions do come.

When it's Not Bad, But it's Not what You Had Planned

As I approach my 40th birthday, I've been more reflective than usual.

I think many of us feel that way as significant birthdays and other life milestones approach. We look at what is and what isn't in our lives. What we hoped for and what we're still hoping for.

My life today looks nothing like I thought it would at this point. Not what I thought growing up. Not even what I thought ten years ago.

It' would be easy to just focus on what I don't have that I thought I would at this point. That could get depressing pretty quickly, if all I focused on was the dreams that haven't happened yet and may not happen.

While reflecting on what hasn't happened can be a good thing, in moderation, we can't live there. We can't just live looking at what we wish we had. We have to shift our focus.

There are things we have that we wouldn't have if we'd gotten all we had hoped and dreamed for. It's just as important, if not more, to acknowledge those as well. Many of things things may be blessings we didn't even know about before they happened.

The biggest thing I'm reminded of is our need to approach this with gratitude. When we take the time to reflect on things, gratitude is vital. When we approach with gratitude, we're able to see how God was working in all that happened and all that we have. We can even begin to see how God is in the things we hoped and dreamed for that we don't have and may not receive.

The Silence In-Between

We have a tendency to want to jump straight from Good Friday to Resurrection Sunday.

We don't know what to do with Saturday.

We don't like Saturday.

Saturday is a day of silence. Of misunderstanding. Of confusion. Of doubt.

Even Scripture doesn't tell us anything about Saturday. Good Friday ends with Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus placing Jesus' body in a tomb (John 19:38-42). And then moves right into the account of the women coming to the tomb on Sunday and finding it empty (John 20:1-18).

Friday's despair becomes Sunday's celebration.

But, what about Saturday?

The silence doesn't mean that God wasn't still working out His plan that day. But, for Jesus' followers, the day wouldn't have been easy. Nothing was going the way they thought it should.

Confusion. Pain. Despair. Grief.

The companions of the day for many.

It's uncomfortable to sit in Saturday. So, we try to rush past it. Get through it as quickly as possible.

Bu, even though Scripture doesn't tell us explicitly of the actions of Jesus' followers on that day, we still know they walked through it. 

Saturday was the Sabbath. A day of rest. A day where they could do nothing but sit and wait and question what had happened. They had to wait until Sunday before they could do anything again.

Truthfully, Saturday is a place we often live in our everyday lives. We walk through times of pain and confusion. We have seasons when God seems silent and we wonder if He's paying attention to what's happening in our lives.

In John 20, we say what could maybe be a glimpse of what Jesus' followers did with their Saturday. Verse 19 says, "On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together . . ." 

The disciples were used to being together, eating together, doing life together. They continued to be together. They shared their experience. Instead of being alone in their confusion, pain, and grief, they were together.

So, what do we do with Saturday?

How do we handle the pain and confusion of the silence that seems to fall?

We hold to the truth that God is still working, even though we can't see it. And we hold to each other. We don't attempt tp get through it alone.

What We Really Need

 A recent Friday night involved a movie night with my sister and my niece. Even though I'm not someone who watches a lot of movies, there was something really enjoyable about settling in on the couch together with a bowl of popcorn to watch the movie.

We watched "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish". If you've watched any of the Shrek movies, then you'll be familiar with this character, who takes center stage in this movie.

Without giving away too much of the movie, it's about the pursuit of a wish and the challenges and obstacles to get there. And the people (well, fairy tale characters) along the way. As is typical for these types of movies, it's a "happily ever after" ending.

But, it was some of the things along the way that made me think. They reminded me of some very important things. That that are actually needed as we go through life and face what comes our way.

If you remember the character of Puss in Boots from the Shrek movies, you know he was very independent and claimed not to need anyone. But, this independent, push everyone away way of living has a cost. When things get hard, or there's opposition, he doesn't have anywhere or anyone to turn to - at least at first.

As I watched, I was struck by how often that is our story - how often it's my story. When things are going well, we push people away because we can do it on our own. We may not even realize we're doing so. 

And then we don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to when life gets hard. Or we do, but we're not in the habit of doing so, and it seems that much more difficult to do so. We feel like we have to keep quiet about it and keep looking like we have it all together.

Opposition comes and we're facing the battle alone.

Attacks from the enemy come and we're more susceptible because we're standing alone and exposed.

This isn't how we were meant to live. It's not what God intended.

What God created us for looks more like this:

Fear comes and we tell those walking with us. They help us walk through the fear. They encourage us, hold us up, remind us we can get through it.

Opposition comes and we have people around us who can fight for us and with us.

Attacks from the enemy come and we're protected because we stand with others. We have others around us who help protect our weak and vulnerable spots.

By the end of the movie, these lessons have been learned by Puss in Boots and the other characters along the journey. The care they have for one another is visible as they all "live happily ever after."

I know that real life doesn't always wrap up nicely like a movie, but the lesson are still the same.

Please Don't Touch me Without my Permission

 I don't know if I'm just more aware of it since the start of COVID and physical distancing, or if people are just different now, but in the last while I've felt like there's an increase in people just invading my personal space.

I'm not talking about people I know, who have my permission to get in my space. I learned in the last few years just how much I need that. We were made to have physical contact with others and I don't think I'll take that for granted ever again.

But, it feels like I've noticed an increase in the numbers of people I don't know or barely know wanting to give me a hug - particularly at church. And, when I politely say "no thanks", they're either offended or they just keep trying. Some week after week, until I feel myself backing away every time they get anywhere near where I am.

I assume the other person has good intentions. That they're not intentionally setting out to make me uncomfortable.

But, that doesn't change the facts that they are making me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in that moment.

For me, anything more than a handshake when greeting someone is reserved for my family and my friends, not every person I see at church. It it's an appropriate moment of prayer for someone and both people are okay with it, a hand on a  shoulder in prayer can be a good thing.

But, I struggle with those who push for a hug or unexpectedly touch my back or my shoulder. If I'm not giving permission for that, then it shouldn't be happening.

And I'm watching this happen with kids too. The number of times I've seen my niece have to deal with this in church too. Just because she's a kid doesn't mean she should be okay with it. In fact, her being a kid, means it should only be at her invitation. She gets to decide if she's okay with that.

We don't what a person we see at church, who isn't a close friend, may be dealing with or feeling in that moment. Whey may not be comfortable with physical touch in that moment, or touch from you, and we should be respecting that. If someone is uncomfortable with the hug, then we should respect that and give them the space - not take it personally.

Content & Still Have a Longing for Something DIfferent?

 Can you live an enjoyable life while still having an unfulfilled longing for something?

Is it possible for those to coexist in one person's life?

I've heard so many people express a feeling that they won't really be happy or content or joyful until a certain thing happens or they achieve a certain thing. Except, once they get there, the goal changes and they're still not happy or content or joyful.

Many of these conversations come with other single adults in the church. Or, with people who make assumptions about what life is like as a single Christian adult or about what someone else feels.

And it's something I've wrestled with in my own life. Is it possible to create a life that I love and am content with, while still longing for marriage and a family of my own one day? Can I really live like this, even if the longing if never fulfilled?

It took me a while to get to this point, but I believe the answer is yes. In fact, I think it's something we have to learn to do.

It doesn't mean we'll always do it perfectly, or that we won't have days where it feels impossible to do so. But we can do it and learn to keep doing it better.

While I'm single, I can have a job I love and find fulfilling. I can have great relationships and community with people . I can be involved in things at church that I enjoy and feel called to by God.

And, at the same time, I can long for something different.

While I relate this specifically to being single right now, it can apply to all of us as Christians. We can live lives fully engaged in what God calls us to do, all while we long for God's Kingdom to be fully established on earth. It's not always easy, but we have to learn to live in this tension.

Single People aren't a Threat to Your Marriage

 Have you ever felt like you were being excluded from a group because of one characteristic about you?

Hove you ever been part of an interaction and felt like someone wished you weren't there?

I think I'm safe to say we've all experienced that at times. Situations where we've felt excluded or pushed out.

Now let me ask you another question . . .

Hove you ever felt like you were see as a threat to something when you interacted with someone?

Even though most of us have some stories about being excluded, it doesn't seem to be quite as common an experience to actually be made to feel like you're a threat.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Unless you're a single adult in the church.

Then you can probably recount many stories of feeling like you're seen as a threat by someone. I know I quickly run out of fingers if I try to count it. And I've heard enough singles tell me the same thing to know my experience isn't unique.

For some reason in the church, single adults are often (not always or with everybody, but a lot) seen as a threat if they happen to have a conversation with someone who isn't the same gender as them. I'm talking about a conversation in the church lobby before or after a church service, or in some other public place where it is generally appropriate to have a conversation with many different people. Yet, somehow, we see this as a threat if one of the people involved in the conversation is single.

And it hurts.

And it ostracizes people.

It pushes people out of the community God designed us for and into deeper isolation.

As a single woman, I'm not going around seeing every man as a potential relationship leading to marriage. I'm not seeing them as really close personal friends. I want your marriage to be strong, to be God-honouring.

In short, my singleness doesn't make me a threat to your marriage.

Just because I talk to your husband at church doesn't mean I'm going to want to go for coffee with him or spend time at your house without both of you there. I'm not going to cross those boundaries. 

And it hurts that you assume I will.

What if, instead of seeing single people as a threat to marriages in the church, we saw them as people? People in need of community - with other men and women. 

What if we sought to build community so that everyone, regardless of their marital status, was welcome and  at home and felt comfortable in the space?

When Our Words Unintentionally Cause Hurt

 Have you ever said nothing you meant nothing by without realizing how much it was going to hurt someone when you didn't intend to?

We've all probably done this sometimes. And we've probably been on the receiving end of a comment like this.

A situation where there's truly no ill will or ill intent, yet was is said causes pain for someone. These times are not fun for anyone involved as the outcome is fully realized.

Despite our best intentions, we hurt each other sometimes. We do it in all kinds of situations. But today, I want to talk about one specific time that we it happens, that is causing more harm than we may be aware of.

If you're a single adult in the church, you've likely smiled, or even laughed, outwardly in these situations. All the while cringing and feeling less than on the inside, as you've heard people say things like what follows here:

I don't know why someone like you is still single.

Maybe if you didn't desire marriage anymore, you'd meet someone.

You're too ______________ (confident, established, sure of yourself) for someone to want to be with you. You need to need someone.

You just need to trust God with your plans for your life.

The Bible says God will give you the desires of your heart, so just wait for His timing and it will happen.

There must be something in your life that is keeping you from finding someone. You need to deal with it, so you can meet someone.

Singleness is a gift. You should embrace it and stop desiring marriage.

Sorry. You won't understand this part of the conversation because you're not married.

And that's far from an exhaustive list of things I've heard over the years of being single, but it's a start to get us thinking.

Because the troubling Scripture interpretation and faulty logic of some of those statements, they also bring a lot of pain.

Many of these statements make assumptions about the experiences of someone.

Many of these statements make assumptions about where the heart of someone is.

Many of these statements make assumptions about the single person is doing or not doing.

And it hurts. 

Even if it was intended differently, it doesn't remove the fact that the words hurt.

So, how should we respond if the person who was hurt has the courage to tell us that our words hurt them?

I think this is where the biggest impact lies. When we're made aware that something we said caused pain to another, even when that's not what we intended, our response can change the entire experience for the person who spoke up.

We can acknowledge how they feel and seek to understand.

Or we can make light of it and contribute to causing greater hurt.

To acknowledge that our words hurt someone requires humility on our part. We have to be willing to admit and own the pain our words caused to the other person.

This applies in so many areas of life, but as you can probably guess from above, I'm talking specifically about how we respond to the single adults around us. Because we how respond to them, is vital to the church functioning as the family God created the church to be.

Distrusting God?

"We distrust God when we are fearful of losing control. When we try to take control we ultimately leave no room for God to be God." (Lysa TerKeurst, Trustworthy)

Those were the first two sentence that started the Bible study I was working on that day. And they hit me like a sucker punch in the gut.

I'd spent most of the week leading up to that day living fearful of losing control in a part of my life. My ability to imagine the worst case scenario outcome of something had been racing ahead of reality for days. And I was exhausted because of it.

Living in fear of losing control is exhausting. 

Living in a constant state of imagining the worst possible outcome of a situation is exhausting.

And I knew that.

But, until I read those words, I hadn't connected them to my current situation.

The part of those words that hit the hardest was that my fear of losing control was actually distrusting God. I don't usually think of all of my efforts to control things as distrust of God. But, as I thought about it more, I realized how true it was.

I had an entire week of studying the lives of a couple less well-known kings of Israel and Judah to really see that. 1 Kings 12 & 13 tell us about the first two kings of the divided kingdom that followed Solomon. Rehoboam, Solomon's son, made some poor choices and the kingdom was divided. 

Jeroboam became king over the 10 tribes of the northern kingdom of Israel. And, he began to make decisions that revealed his distrust in God and his fear of losing control. These choices led Israel into idolatry and turning away from God.

It can be easy to read this and think we won't do that. We're not kings and we're likely not going to build golden calves for people to worship. That may be true, but when we stop to look at what drives some of our decisions, we may see more similarities than we do at first - at least I did when I read it.

1 Kings 12:26-27 says:

Jeroboam thought to himself, "The kingdom will now likely revert to the house of David. If these people go up to offer sacrifices at the temple of the Lord in Jerusalem, they will give their allegiance to the their lord, Rehoboam, king of Judah. They will kill me and return to king Rehoboam.

Jeroboam was afraid of losing control of the people and that led him to make choices that proved he didn't really trust God. Those choices led him and Israel astray.

But, Jeroboam had a promise from God (see 1 Kings 11:29-40), that he could trust. When things stopped going clearly as he though they would, Jeroboam reacted in fear of losing control and revealed his distrust in God.

How often do we do the same thing in our own lives?

This is exactly what I'd been doing in the week leading up to this realization. And, as I studied the outcome of it, I knew it wasn't where I wanted to stay. I had to make a choice to trust God with what I can't control. I had to let go of the fear of losing control. And I still have to choose that everyday in this area of my life right now. But, I know it's the best choice.

Is there an area of your life where your fear of losing control means you are not trusting God?

What would it look like to trust God in this area of your life today?

The Day I Usually Want to Remove from the Calendar

 Today is day I have often wished to remove from the calendar.

Most days, being single isn't a big deal to me, even if it's not what I had hope for at this point in my life. But, today, it feels like it declares that something is very wrong with me.

February 14.

Valentine's Day.

It's a day when it feels like being single is something you need to hide. A day where you don't feel welcome in most places because everything is set up for and focused on couples. If you, as a single person, show up somewhere you're often seen as messing up the natural order of things even more than usual.

As it approached this year, I was dreading it even more than usual, but I wasn't really sure why.

When the opportunity to do something with others who were also single came up, I jumped on board quickly.

But, that still didn't remove the question of why I had been dreading this day even more than usual this year.

Then, a few nights ago, I was at a gathering for singles and I heard someone else put words to why. 

It can be a lonely night when you're longing for connection with people. Feeling like most of society expects you to stay home along that evening because you don't have a significant other emphasizes and amplifies any loneliness you may already be feeling. Maybe even more as we seek to rebuild the connection opportunities that were lost through a couple years of COVID.

So, maybe I dread today a little bit less now because I know I will have some fun with other singles. That I will have that connection I crave and the God created us for.

But, think this leads to a bigger question that I've been talking about in the last couple of blog posts I wrote as well.

If God created us for community and connection with each other, how do we create that in our churches - for every adult, whether married or single?

Singles in All Ministries

 Last week I wrote about the need for churches to have singles' ministries. This week, I want to talk about what some people seem as an opposing thought . . . 

but I don't think that's what it is.

What am I talking about?

The need for singles to be fully involved and welcomed in all areas of the church. A singles' ministry should not be the only place we feel welcome. We need singles in every area of church life - except for marriage specific stuff.

This does seem to happen in most things. We don't ask about marital status for men's and women's events, or to decide on who to allow or not allow to serve.

But, there is one area where we don't always seem to include singles well. One area where the language and the way we communicate excludes singles . . .

I don't think we're aware of it when it happens. Or that we're doing it intentionally.

Most churches have small groups (community groups, care groups, etc) that meet in homes throughout the week. And there's always encouragement to join and get involved in one. It's a good thing. A necessary thing.

But, if not in the info about the group, then in conversation with the group leader or host, singles are made to feel unwelcome in the group. Sometimes, even directly excluded from the group. (Again, I'm not talking about marriage specific groups - I'm talking about many small groups in general.)

We write the words "busy families" and "couples" into our descriptions of small groups, at the same time as we tell people these groups are open to all adults. I understand wanting a small group to be people you connect with. And we should be clear about what is bringing the specific group together. But, if every small group description has that language, it can imply that singles aren't actually welcome in our small groups. 

And that can be enough to hinder a single person who already finds it challenging enough to show up to something alone. When the description is written to families and couples, there's a large and growing segment of our churches who are left out.

But, it can also be more direct in making the single person fell not really welcome. This next example may seem a little extreme, but I'm recounting an experience shared with me by another single person. I am leaving out any identifying details - to protect all in this.

They were fairly new to a church and inquired about a small group to join. In a conversation with a leader of a potential group, they were asked if they were married. When they answered no, they were told that while they could still join the group, if they were the first person to arrive for the meeting, they would have to wait in their car until one of the other couples arrived to be able to go in. 

Upon further conversation, they learned this requirement was just for them because they were single. One person from one of the couples could arrive alone and just go in, even if they were the first one to arrive. 

Needless to say, they didn't join that group, as it didn't really feel like they would be welcomed.

I get having rules to protect marriages. If I show up at a friends' house and only their husband is home, I'm not going to go in and stay for a while - that's not a good choice. But, when I arrive somewhere by myself, I don't have to wait for more people to go in to a friends' house.

Just as we need ministries and groups for different demographics, we need groups that bring people together across those lines. We have much to learn from each other when we're together. 

And we need to be willing to pay attention to and remove the barriers we've created - whether they were intentional or unintentional - where they're not actually necessary.

Is a Singles' Ministry Necessary?

 Should churches have ministries for singles?

This question brings a wide array of responses. Most are often strongly felt.

I'll get to how I answer the question specifically a little bit later. Before I get there, I want to talk a little more broadly.

If you take a look at a typical church calendar, you'll likely see an assortment of groups, programs, studies, and ministries filling it. Some of these open to anyone and others for specific demographics - kids, youth, young adults, men, women, seniors, etc. Those are pretty normal for us in a church. We've created programs and ministries that reach specific ages with relative ease, alongside things for all ages.

The purpose of why we've created all these things is to create space for community and connection. We're creating space for people to get to know each other and walk through life together.

If you look at a typical church calendar, you'll also see marriage groups and studies on it. But, one thing you rarely see is singles' ministries.

And that is a problem in my experience.

We create ministries and opportunities to connect for lots of specific groups in our churches. All in the name of creating the community we all need to really live the life God created us for. So, why have we not done this for singles?

Statistics show that single adults are a growing segment of the population in general, and those in our churches. But, except for some programs for those who are divorced or single parents, we don't typically provide other things. 

I'm not talking about a place to find people to date - although that may happen sometimes as a result of a singles ministry. I'm talking about a place to form friendships and community with people whose life circumstances are similar.

While I connect with many people from all life circumstances, and some of the people I call my closest friends are married, there's something about connecting with other people who are single past college-age. There's an understanding that those in my life who were married in their 20s just don't have because their experience is different. There's things you don't have to explain.

For this reason, I think we need singles ministries in our churches. Not as the only place for people who are single, but as part of the larger choice of ministries to get involved with.

Anxiety and the Church

 As today is a day where many are talking about mental health struggles, I'm taking a break this week from my series on singleness and the church to talk about another topic we still need to discuss more in the church.

Mental health struggles . . . depression . . . anxiety . . . and the church.

I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's misunderstood too often and the simplified answers or advice we give does more harm than good.

This is something I'm passionate about because I've lived this struggle. I go through life with social anxiety disorder and tendencies toward general anxiety. At times, individual people within the church have been very supportive and helpful. I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and acquaintances who had sought to better understand what this actually means and how they can love me best and walk through it with me.

These are the friends who follow me when I leave abruptly and sit with me when I' struggling. The friends who et me know they're with me. The friends who have sat outside with me in all kinds of weather. The friends who have offered the words of their prayers when I wasn't able to say them myself.

But, I've also, unfortunately, experienced judgement, a lack of caring, and accusations of not having enough faith in God when I've shared about this. While I have seen a much greater desire to understand and support people in the 20+ years I've lived knowing I have social anxiety disorder (although likely long before knowing that, it impacted me), there are times when I realize that there's still a ways to go in understanding it all. 

It really is a journey to learn and understand. It took me some time to really start to get it and I was living it. So, when it doesn't hit personally, I can only imagine that it takes more work.

So, where to start?

Let's start with the idea that a struggle with anxiety is a reflection of a lack of faith or trust in God. Honestly, this is probably the hardest thing to hear, because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth, my struggle with anxiety has driven me to trust God and call out to Him more than pretty much anything else in my life. It's how I get through the hard days. And I've talked to enough Christians who also live with anxiety to know that it's true for many. 

I often wonder if part of our struggle is how broad the definition of anxiety is. But, we take a one-size-fits-all approach to how we understand the word. 

According to the Meriam-Webster Dictionary, anxiety is defined like this:

apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill

medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

mentally distressing concern or interest

That's a pretty broad definition that encompasses many things. From the force that gets you to move quickly out of the way of a car coming at you, to the everyday worries and concerns that we all deal with, to a fear that completely paralyzes you. I think this is one of the reasons why we struggle to handle conversations about anxiety well and have so much misunderstanding.

We hear the word anxiety and, rather than trying to understand what the person means by it, we jump straight to verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 as the solution. And those are great verses from Scripture, filled with truth and great practices for all of us to incorporate into our lives.

But, there's so much more that anxiety could be. We often use the word to describe an actual medical disorder, where our brains don't work like they should. I know I have often said "I have anxiety" rather than an anxiety disorder and that has contributed to some of the unhelpful conversations I've had.

Maybe we need to learn to ask a little more and then listen to what someone says when they start talking about anxiety, before we make assumptions about what they actually mean.

So, why is just quoting a couple of Scriptures or telling someone to pray or have more faith a problem?

It's presenting a simplified answer to something that's usually much more complex. 

Sure, the Scripture you quote is absolutely true.

Yes, prayer can help.

And faith in God is definitely important.

But, if I (and others) say I'm anxious in that moment, my brain is likely going so crazy I can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray much. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to try to maintain some semblance of control on the outside.

I don't need direction on what I should do. I need support as I walk through it. I just need to know you care.

So, what can we do to handle this better in the church?

1. Ask what someone means by anxiety before we throw Scripture or other directives at them.
2. Pray for them while you're with them.
3. Most of all, stop before we make assumptions about someone's faith and trust in God.

The Church is the Bride of Christ . . . Not Me as an Individual

 The verse I've had quoted to me the most when I express a desire to be married is one that is taken out of context to try to present a solution. 

The challenge is, I'm not looking for the person I'm talk to for a solution to that desire. I'm looking for someone to listen and acknowledge that unfulfilled desire I expressed.

But, more than I wish someone would just listen, I with the context for the Scripture quoted would be paid attention to. We do ourselves a dis-service in our understanding of Scripture when we take verses out of context. We miss the richness of Scripture and what God is actually saying.

The context of a verse is vitally important to understanding it properly. The verses around it, the book of the Bible, and the Bible as a whole play a big part in how we understand a particular verse. We need to look at it all before we quote a verse or part of a verse as an answer to someone.

So, now that that's out of the way, what verse am I talking about?

It's actually just six words out of a verse. Isaiah 54:5 begins this way: "For your Maker is your husband . . ." I can't count the number of times I've had these words said to me, typically prefaced by, "well, you know the Bible says . . ." when I express a desire for a husband. 

Not only do these words ignore or belittle the desire I just expressed, they misappropriate a few words of Scripture.

These words in Isaiah are spoken to the nation of Israel, not to individuals. Isaiah is talking about the hope to come for the nation. These are God's words to the nation He has chosen out of all the nations on earth at the time.

When I've pushed back on the use of these words from Isaiah, I've often received the comment that we are the bride of Christ so it applies today. Except, again Scripture talks about the church as the bride of Christ, not individuals. We get things confused when we try to make things that apply to the church as a whole, apply to the individual.

It doesn't mean there's nothing in Scripture that applies to the individual. But, I think we need to be careful that our individualistic culture doesn't cause us to to misapply what is written in Scipture by assuming it's all about the individual.

So, what do we do with this?

Ultimately, it comes down to listening and being present with people instead of looking for a verse or two to throw at them.

You may not understand the specific unfulfilled desire I'm expressing, but I know that if you're human you have desires and things you're waiting for. In those moments, you can draw on that experience to encourage someone.

But, most of all, don't take Scripture out of context to try to present a solution. That hurts more than you just being there with me.

A Simple Thing to Do

As I've been writing about singleness the last couple months, I've had a couple of experiences that made me think about what this looks like from a practical perspective.

They have made me see how our lack of understanding of singleness in the church has translated into actions that unintentionally push singles, and sometimes others, to the outside, making them feel unwelcome. I think that's often our biggest danger, the unintentional fall out from what we do or don't do.

The context of the experiences I had, all came back to one very simple thing and the message that can be sent.

What is it?

How we set up chairs at tables.

Hove you ever paid attention to how chairs are typically placed around a table?

It's almost exclusively an even number of chairs. 

I get it. It's pleasing to look at. It's practical, because that fits comfortably.

But, let me give you a different perspective for a minute.

Picture yourself walking into a room alone.

You're expected to find a seat at a table, knowing that it's likely most chairs in the room will be filled.

You finally take a seat at a table with some people you know well enough. 

As the tables begin to fill up, you're watching people walk up to the table you're seated at and sigh because there's only room for one more person. 

Because you chose to sit at a table, there's now an unspoken assumption and frustration that the table won't work as was set up. Unless someone else coming alone finds your table and takes a seat, that last chair will either remain empty or be filled by someone who isn't sitting with who they thought or planned to when they came.

When I've shared this example with people, at times I've gotten some unhelpful and hurtful, even if well-intended suggestions. The most common being that I should move to accommodate the couple. I get that answer; it may seem like a logical thought, but it undervalues me as a person.

It likely took some pushing past doubts about whether I should go and questions about whether I'm welcome for me to actually come alone. I arrived early enough that I hopefully find a seat with some people I know and would be able to have a conversation with. But, now I'm told, because I'm the single person at the table, that I should be the one to give that up and just go sit wherever there's room for someone else.

That's doesn't really feel fair or inclusive. The result of the assumption being that I should just move is that I'm told my need for connection isn't as important as other peoples' - as those who are coming as couples. It says that this event was actually designed for couples, even if it's something that should be for all, and I only get to be a part of it if there's room. It says I'm outside the norm and I don't belong.

I know this is a more common feeling than even I imagined. Recently, I was at a gathering of single Christians and I watched body language tell me the same thing over and over again as people arrived. People were arriving at a church event, and even if they weren't conscious of it, they were arriving with some worry or concern over where they would sit. 

But, as they realized every other person there was in the same situation, they relaxed. You could see it on many people. There was no awkwardness over being the single person in a group of couples in a space set up for couples. No tables that no longer "worked" because they chose to sit there.

The solution is not to just segregate all our of events by marital status. That may work for some things, but doing so for everything will just divide the church and we'll all be worse off because of it.

So, my questions for us to consider:

How can we set up our spaces to be more welcoming to the singles who are a part of it?

What if we set up some tables with an odd number of chairs at them? A subtle indication we're not expecting everyone who comes to be coming as part of a couple.

Are there other small things we can do make everyone, regardless of marital status, feel welcome at things?