Lie #6: God Will Give Marriage or a Gift of Singleness to Everyone

 Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or He'll give them a gift of singleness instead.

I've lost count of the number of times I've had someone promise me that God will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), when I tell them I still want to be married one day. Or 1 John 5:15,

"And we know that if He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that He hears what we asked of Him."

Both of these verses are amazing truths from Scripture. But, in the moment I express a desire to be married one day, they fall short. It spiritualizes an answer to a deep longing, rather than validating it - a classic example of spiritual bypassing.

But, the answer I've received a few times that surprised me was when I was told if I was still single I must have the gift of singleness so I should be happy being single. (I've written about the issues with the idea of a gift of singleness here & here.)

Again, this is a place where we easily make a promise that Scripture doesn't actually say. Throughout Scripture, it talks about how we are being transformed more and more into the image of God. As this happens, our desires do begin to line up more & more with God's will & then He can delight to give us the desires of our hearts.

But, nowhere in Scripture does it promise marriage just because it's something you desire. We all know from life in general that we often don't get everything we desire. So to assume that God will automatically give it to us when it's marriage feels out of place with what we know to be true.

We can learn with desires that aren't fulfilled & still have longings. We don't have to have some sort of special gift of singleness to live as a single person.

The thing we need when we're longing for marriage as a single person or listening to someone else share that longing with us is to sit with each other in it. Not in a wallowing in it & being depressed about it, but in acknowledging the longing & all that goes with it.

Lie #5: Pornography is Only a Man's Problem

Life #5: Men are visual, so pornography is only a man's problem. 

When you hear someone mention pornography from the front, how often do they begin talking about it by addressing the men in the room?

If your experience is like mine, then it's the majority of the time. And, if anything for women is mentioned, it's to do with romance novels only. The most common reason I've heard for why when I've asked about it is because men are visual & women aren't.

At the risk of sharing something I'll later regret posting in a public place. In those six words at the end of the last paragraph, I am pushed to the sidelines - unseen & not understood. I don't fit that stereotype.

So, I'm just going to state it clearly: pornography is a problem for all people. It's not just a problem for men. All of us can fall into it's trap. And reading romance novels or getting caught up in romance movies is not just a woman's thing. We can't use gender to put people in boxes.

I can hear some of the protests I've heard before: But, it's generally true, so it's okay to say that.

I have two responses: First, how do we know that? Are there fact & statistics to back up that claim? Or does it just appear that way because we've always said that so no one will say differently because they don't want to be see as weird?

Second, even if the statistics do say it's more likely to be men, by generalizing we're leaving a group of people who don't fit the stereotype along with no resources & without a place to ask for help.

So, rather than being so specific in our conversations, can we just talk about the problem & create a safe space for all to ask for help to find freedom?

Lie #4: It's Okay, or It's an Unforgivable Sin

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's an unforgivable sin. 

Okay, I really never intended to write about this topic, but you can't address the larger topic of this series without talking about it . . . so, here we go . . .

There seems to be two sides to this one. Neither of them really helpful. In fact, I would say that both are harmful.

On the one hand, I've heard people say that, in the absence of a partner to fulfill sexual desire with, there is only one right choice. On the other, I've heard people say that because it's not exactly as God designed it, it's an unforgivable sin.

Both of these views cause hurt. The both provide an over-simplified answer to the question of how to handle sexual desire. As I wrote in my post on Lie #3, this is a challenging topic & one that makes us uncomfortable.

Let's go back to where I started many of these posts. God created sex & gave us sexual desire. The fact that we have it, is not a sin or something we should seek to remove from our lives.

What we should be doing is seeking to honour God in how we handle it. And that actually means we can't just speak in absolutes about it.

Questions & conversations around this come from a desire to live a life that honours God & we cause harm when we just declare an absolute without acknowledging the real struggle of people.

In my opinion, I don't think either statement is right. They're different sides of the same lie.

I will leave you with this. God's design for our sexuality is clear in Scripture. And we have to wrestle with what it looks like for us to live it out.

While this may not be God's intended plan for how we deal with sexual desire, it also isn't sin that God can't forgive us for. Like all sin, God offers forgiveness when we repent. 

God's forgiveness doesn't give us a license to just do whatever we want. But, it should make us think.

How can I handle this in a way the honours God & live according to God's commands in Scripture?

 As with all things, our handling of sexual desire should be something we're constantly taking to God.