The Losses we Don't Talk About

 If you've ever walked through the loss of an important person in your life, then you know that we don't handle grief well as a society. It makes us uncomfortable. We often try to rush people through stages of grief, as if they are a linear process we can just move through to get past the grief.

We expect people to grieve the loss of someone. And for the firsts without that person to bring sadness or anger. We may not be completely comfortable with it, but we expect it.

But, in the last six months, I've noticed that we don't really talk much about the other losses we face. And we don't expect them to be long journeys with grief. Nor do we realize that sometimes all we see is the big loss & we don't realize the many smaller losses that are rolled up in it.

I think the best way for me to explain what I mean is going to be to share my story of the last six months.

Six months ago, I unexpectedly lost what I thought was my dream job at the time. In the days & weeks that followed people generally expected me to not be okay. But, as the months went on & I started a new job, I noticed that many people seemed to assume I would be okay now. And were generally surprised when I told them otherwise.

I have more days when I'm okay than days where I'm not now. I feel like I can genuinely enjoy things, smile, & laugh again. But, I also still have many days - sometimes one, sometimes multiple days in a row - where I'm just not okay. That's the reality of grief.

I've also discovered it's not just the loss of my job I'm grieving. It's a long list of things tied to it that I'm grieving.

I lost may of the people I had spent my days with for the better part of 17 years.

I lost the purpose that came with the work that I did.

I lost the familiarity of what I did everyday.

I lost the sense of how my work really changed the lives of people. 

I lost the security of knowing what I did.

I lost the confidence that I could do my job.

I lost the vision of what my future would look like that I had.

I lost my trust in those I work for & with.

I lost many more things than I can name right now.

And most losses, are actually a whole lot of "smaller" things rolled up into the big loss that's obvious.

But, these aren't the losses we like to acknowledge or talk about. Because they're the harder ones to walk through.

If the only loss I was dealing with was the loss of my job, then finding a new job would been all I needed to move on. It's all those little things that mean I'm still grieving.

In his book "Grieve, Breathe, Receive" Steve Carter writes:

"You don't journey through grief, you journey with grief."

Rather than looking for people to be done with grief, we need to learn how to be okay with the uncomfortableness of grief.

How do we do that?

The most helpful thing we can do, is to let people be not okay for as long as they need. And that means we need to be willing to sit with people - even when they're maybe not the most fun to be with.

And we need to remember that grief isn't linear. The commonly referred to stages of grief are helpful in describing the various ways people will feel as they journey with grief, but we can't expect people to move through them in a linear fashion or to just have those feelings come up once.

The Important Places & Stories in Our Lives

 Do you have a place that's filled with memories of good times from growing up? A place that maybe still feels like home when you go there?

I recently went back to one of those places for me. A place that has changed a lot in so many ways, yet, still feels like the same place every time I drive onto the property.

The camp I grew up going to & worked at for a few months recently celebrated 50 years of camp. They invited people - past & present - to come spend the day at the camp to celebrate.

From the moment I turned down the dirt road to the camp I was filled with memories.

Driving past the house by the gate where the camp director lived when I spent my summers in this place. The memories of conversations on the porch swing with his wife as I navigated summers as staff & the rest of life in between those summers. The wisdom & encouragement shared while sitting there.

The archery range was next. The first place I learned to teach something. Many hours spent there with kids of all ages teaching a skill we may never have learned anywhere else. (And the place where I got my first & only wasp sting, while I was there with a half dozen 8-10 year olds I was responsible for, so I had to stay until I could get someone else there.)

The Point

The lodge - where so much has changed over the years. But, it's still the place of many meals & chapel services. Good food, conversations over food, worshipping God.

Walking to the point - the place where we would have campfire every night of camp. Singing silly camp songs & worship songs. Hearing messages from the speaker for the week. Time to share the story of what God has done in the week of camp. It feels like holy ground when I approach it. There's something truly special about this place.

Walking along the path by the lake, the beach, climbing the hill back to the lodge. All so familiar & filled with memories. Doing things I never would have thought I would have been able to. Growing & learning in so many ways.

Even more memories in the people I saw & reconnected with. Whether we're still in touch or not, there's a connection when we gather again. And realizing that I made a few long term friends in my years here.

I was reminded of the importance of places when I was back at camp. But, even more of the importance of remembering & sharing the stories of what God has done.

The Beach

The day was filled with stories of how God worked to provide for the camp for 50 years. From the little things that made all the difference, to the bigger, more noticeable things.

I was also reminded of the ways God worked in my life when I was there. Many of the important spiritual decisions in the first 25 years of my life were made somewhere on that camp property. It's each to forget that in the midst of every day life, but it's important we don't. 

We need to remember & share the stories. That's how we stay faithful in the hard times & hold on when we can't see ahead.

The Power of Sharing Our Stories

 "The only story God can't use is the one that isn't shared."

Someone I know from church said this recently in a conversation. It stuck with me.

I tend to be someone who like the academic side of things. I can study or think about things & come to a conclusion. But, in doing so, I often keep it just in my head.

In the course of the conversation where these words were said, I had been reminded of the importance of sharing our stories with each other. It's our stories that move things from facts we know in our heads, to things we know from experience.

Stories also play a role in helping us to see what God has done. In the moment, we may not realize it. But, when we look back to tell the story to someone else or to write it down for ourselves, we see how God was at work. We need these to remind us we can keep going the next time we're going through something challenging. 

Our stories of God's faithfulness or the stories of others can help us to hold on & keep trusting God.