Please Respect my Personal Space

 Everyone you meet has a different set of personal space boundaries and they're important. They often exist for a reason. It can be hard to know the nuances of what someone's personal space looks like - especially because they may change depending on who the person is with at the moment.

I've written before about how we need physical contact with safe people regularly to do well in life. But, how much and with who is a very personal matter. And we have to learn to allow space for it to be different.

When it comes to this, I think there are a few things we do often in church in trying to be welcoming, that actually make people feel uncomfortable instead.

The first is the need to touch someone when you're talking to them. Whether it's an extra long handshake or a hand on their shoulder, I've experienced it and seen it often. There may be times when this is appropriate or desired, but it can also easily serve to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For a conversation in the lobby at church, this is probably not necessary most of the time. When praying for someone a hand on their shoulder could be a good thing, but, even then, we should be asking first.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the sometimes uninvited hugs. Being a "hugger" isn't an excuse to make some feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We need to be aware of other people's comfort with hugs and not force it on them.

Finally, the biggest thing is to not assume because someone was okay with it with one person, they automatically will be with you too. The level of relationship with a person can often have an impact on what someone is comfortable with. You may have just seen hug a family member or a close friend, so don't assume they'll hug you too if you don't fall into that category.

The biggest thing we can to do to help everyone feel comfortable is to respect someone's wishes. If they move away from you or prevent contact in some way, don't keep trying. If they ask you to stop, then stop. If they acknowledge you, but don't extend their hand in response to your offer of a handshake, don't keep following them around or put your hand on their shoulder.

One more thing I've seen, that probably bothers me more than any of the above. A kid should never have their personal space invaded or have your hand on them without their permission. We live in a world where teaching a kid that their body is theirs and no one gets to get too close to them without their permission is vital for their safety. We should be enforcing this at church, not disrespecting it.

I have stepped between my niece and people who were ignoring her discomfort. I will always do that for her with no questions asked, but I shouldn't have to at church. And for the record, she is always able to get right into my personal space without hesitation if she needs me. That doesn't apply to everyone else.

Seeing Something You Haven't Before in Scripture

 It's easy to become familiar with a part of a verse or passage in Scripture - especially when it speaks to something in your life at a time when you read it. We reference either the exact words or the concept regularly. This is a good thing, but it can also mean with miss things sometimes.

My attention recently turned to a verse that I'm quite familiar with. As I read the whole verse, I was actually a bit surprised to discover that two truths I often quote were in the same verse. And linking together gave a fuller understanding of both.

I know I've read this verse many times all together in the past, But, this time I noticed something I hadn't before. I love how there's always more to learn, even when we go back to a familiar passage.

Hebrews 13:5 says:

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'."

In conversations about money and possessions the first half of the verse if often mentioned. We use it to remind ourselves that loving money is a problem. That we need to learn to be content with what we have.

We take comfort in the second half as a reminder that God never leaves. That He is always with us - no matter what we're going through.

All of that is good and true and helpful for our lives. As I read this verse recently, it was the word in between these two parts that caught my eye:

BECAUSE

That word links these together.

Because God is never going to leave us or forsake us, we can be content with what we have.

Because God is never going to leave us or forsake us, we don't need to love money.

We can be content with what we have because God is never going to leave us or forsake us.

We don't need to love money because God is never going to leave us or forsake us.

Yes, I know I said the same thing twice there. When we've separated two things for so long, I think we sometimes need the repetition to get it to sink in.

When the writer of Hebrews put the word "because" here, they did it intentionally and we need to take notice.

Don't Assume Things About What Works For Me

 In a conversation I was a part of recently there was an assumption made that caught me off guard. I was surprised because it was over something where I never would have thought being single made a difference.

And the more I've thought about it since then, the more I've come to the conclusion that my status as a single actually has no bearing on this particular thing. It isn't part of the equation here.

The fact that it was brought up at all is a reflection of how dangerous making assumptions is and of the ways we continue to misunderstand singles in some places.

Let me start with the specific situation this relates to. A group of us were having a conversation and somehow got on the optic of kitchen size. I made a comment about my kitchen being small, not having a lot of counter space. The response I received was that it was okay that my kitchen was small because I was single.

I was just so surprised at the time that I said nothing in response. But, as I've thought about it since, I've figured out how I would respond in the future to a similar comment.

Only from the perspective of the number of people being in space does my being single matter. There's rarely more than just me in my kitchen.

But, it stops there. Whether there's one person or three people in my kitchen, the fact is that you quickly run out of counter space when you're cooking. Cooking for one person doesn't mean I don't need space for a cutting board to chop veggies or meat, somewhere to put the dishes as I use them to prep, and all the other things that take up space when you cook. That still takes up the same amount of space.

That is just an example of a situation where an assumption was made based on my status as single. In the grand scheme of things, a fairly harmless one. I was left a little bothered, but it didn't impact my life in big ways.

But, it does highlight a danger that comes with making assumptions. It's easy to make assumptions based on our limited understanding of a situation, or the first thoughts that come to mind. But, we often either don't have all the information about something or we haven't walked through the implications of the our assumption when we make it. The can be incredibly hurtful to the person we make our assumption known to.

We have to learn to change this. We have to take the time to check our assumptions before we move forward with them. And that takes time and intentionality.

To go back to the conversation that referenced this:

I know for sure that with more people more space in the kitchen is required. I cook most major holiday meals in my Mom's kitchen, which is quite a bit bigger than mine. There's definitely space to have 2 or 3 of us in in.

And, the one time that Thanksgiving dinner had to be moved to my house, it truly was a challenge to make it there. Even though the change also meant fewer people for the meal, we had slow cookers on the floor because there was no where else to put them.

So, in that conversation where I said my kitchen was small, how could things have proceeded differently without assumptions being made?

Just acknowledging that my kitchen is small. Maybe a comment that they couldn't imagine trying to cook with someone else in it. The most important part being no reference to me being singles as making it okay.

Even beyond someone's marital or family status this applies. This is just the example I have to share.

Where do you tend to make assumptions?

How can you do a better job of checking them before you state a potentially hurtful assumption?