The Lies We've Been Telling Singles & What We Should Say Instead

 What have you been told about sex, sexual desire, & intimacy?

If you could get past any uncomfortableness you have with talking about these things, what would you say to someone who asked you about it?

What would you say to someone who was single about these topics?

Scripture is abundantly clear on God plan & design for sex & intimacy. However confused our culture is, many within Christianity would agree that God designed sex for one man & one woman within marriage.

Great.

That's a good foundation.

But, we all know there's more to it than that. With this part of us, that God designed when He created us, comes questions & struggles. We have to figure out how to honour God in this area in a culture that doesn't.

So, going back to the questions I opened with; what if I told you that some of your answers were lies? Or, at the very least, overly simplistic answers to complex & honest questions? Especially when it comes to the growing number of older singles in our churches.

I know, some of you are frustrated with me right now. I'm okay with that. This topic is more nuanced that we would like & we need to wrestle with it.

So, what are the lies or simplistic answers we're giving?

Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Lie #2: Sexual desires should be prayed away if you're single.

Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's the unforgivable sin.

Lie #5: Men are visual; so pornography is only a man's problem.

Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or  He will give them a gift of singleness in return.

Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men or women of the opposite sex because it gives the appearance of evil.

Including Singles in Our Discussions About Sexuality

 Why is it that all of our conversations about sex & intimacy in the church we talk almost exclusively about marriage?

Statistics show that the number of single adults sitting in our church pews is growing & could be as high as half the people in some settings. So, when we only talk about these topics in relation to marriage, we're actually telling a significant number of people listening the topic doesn't apply to them. We're excluding them, while they're sitting in front of us.

I know I'll get pushback that those words sound harsh. But, they're true & I couldn't think of another way to say it.

When we talk about sex & intimacy exclusively in relation to marriage we're excluding a significant number of people who are sitting right there.

Hear me on this: I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it in marriage. That's an important part of God's design & what Scripture says. We have to make that teaching clear in a world that is confused about it. But, it can't be all we say.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this happens in churches so frequently, because I don't think it's intentional, or something we typically realize. In doing so, I realized that every teaching I've heard on this has come from someone who is married & most of them got married fairly young. All the teaching has been well-studied & clear, but, truthfully, those teaching don't have a frame of reference for what it's like to be single long past when they got married & still have sexual desire, or single again when that wasn't the plan. Nothing against them. Not angry at anyone for that. It's simply a fact that has an influence on the discussion & the teaching they present.

I don't know why I've never heard an older Christian single teach or talk about this. My guess is that we feel a bit uncomfortable with the topic, so we don't talk much about unmet sexual desire in the church. We know there's a problem with our culture's solutions, but we're hesitant to really engage in the conversation because it makes us uncomfortable or embarrassed - or, depending on the messaging around this topic we received growing up, ashamed.

But, I've been feeling for a while that we need to start the conversation. And, in the fall, I was in a setting where my pastor acknowledged the singles in the room & that there were different challenges while talking about this. In the two minutes he took to say something, I felt seen in the conversation. But, I also realized that those of us who have been single longer have to start the conversation.

So, the next handful of posts are going to attempt to start tackling this topic. Not a direction I ever thought I would be going, but it feels necessary.

Christmas Thoughts

 I usually write at least one post about Advent or Christmas each year . . . sometimes more. As Christmas is just one week away, I've been thinking about what I might write this year. It's been hard to figure out.

Not because there's a lack of things I could write about. This is a season with lots of things to think about & powerful Scripture to reflect on. There's an abundance of things I could write about but as I've tried the words felt forced, which is the antithesis of what I write here.

Last weekend, I was part of my church's annual Christmas event. It's always a good weekend, even if busy, for so many reasons. As part of it, people who come through can write a prayer request & hang it on the tree. Then a group I was part of takes time to pray over those requests that night.

As I've reflected on what I read on those tags & on my own experiences, I've realized just how heavy things in this world feel & how much pain & struggle people are carrying. So many of us are tired & carrying heavy burdens of things we or our loved ones are walking through. We're tired.

That makes a season where so much is about joy & happiness overwhelming at times. And the expectations for a perfectly decorated house, a big meal, & the right gifts for everyone under the tree feel like to much. There's already enough going on & we don't need more.

Sometimes the songs that talk about having a "holly, jolly Christmas" or a merry time just feel like too much. It feels so far from what we're actually experiencing.

It me that this is exactly the type of situation Jesus entered into. It wasn't tidy or easy. God's people were facing hardship & they were tired. They were far from merry in their lives. 

And that's where Jesus showed up on earth.

That's where he shows up today too. 

He'll meet us in our "I can't do one more thing" moments.

He'll meet us in it all &just be with us.

He doesn't expect us to be merry or jolly.

He lets us be real.

Maybe this Christmas doesn't look like you planned. Maybe the burden is just too much. Maybe the pain feels like you'll never get through it. Maybe there's people you wish would be around the table who won't be there for myriad reasons.

Invite Jesus in. He meets us in the midst of that if we'll let Him. 

That's how He came to earth the first time.

And it's how He comes with us today.