Christmas Thoughts

 I usually write at least one post about Advent or Christmas each year . . . sometimes more. As Christmas is just one week away, I've been thinking about what I might write this year. It's been hard to figure out.

Not because there's a lack of things I could write about. This is a season with lots of things to think about & powerful Scripture to reflect on. There's an abundance of things I could write about but as I've tried the words felt forced, which is the antithesis of what I write here.

Last weekend, I was part of my church's annual Christmas event. It's always a good weekend, even if busy, for so many reasons. As part of it, people who come through can write a prayer request & hang it on the tree. Then a group I was part of takes time to pray over those requests that night.

As I've reflected on what I read on those tags & on my own experiences, I've realized just how heavy things in this world feel & how much pain & struggle people are carrying. So many of us are tired & carrying heavy burdens of things we or our loved ones are walking through. We're tired.

That makes a season where so much is about joy & happiness overwhelming at times. And the expectations for a perfectly decorated house, a big meal, & the right gifts for everyone under the tree feel like to much. There's already enough going on & we don't need more.

Sometimes the songs that talk about having a "holly, jolly Christmas" or a merry time just feel like too much. It feels so far from what we're actually experiencing.

It me that this is exactly the type of situation Jesus entered into. It wasn't tidy or easy. God's people were facing hardship & they were tired. They were far from merry in their lives. 

And that's where Jesus showed up on earth.

That's where he shows up today too. 

He'll meet us in our "I can't do one more thing" moments.

He'll meet us in it all &just be with us.

He doesn't expect us to be merry or jolly.

He lets us be real.

Maybe this Christmas doesn't look like you planned. Maybe the burden is just too much. Maybe the pain feels like you'll never get through it. Maybe there's people you wish would be around the table who won't be there for myriad reasons.

Invite Jesus in. He meets us in the midst of that if we'll let Him. 

That's how He came to earth the first time.

And it's how He comes with us today.

Untangling

 I didn't intend to write about grief here. I definitely didn't intend for there to be more than one post about it.

But, I've always sought to write here about real life & what I'm wrestling with. So, right now, that means talking about grief here.

At the beginning of this month, I came across the book I didn't know I needed. Grief isn't something new to me. I've journeyed it before. So, I had no intention of reading a book on it. I didn't figure I needed it.

I thought I knew what I was doing & how to get through it.

Then, I was in our local Christian bookstore looking at the new releases. There was a book on grief among them. In the moment I saw it, I felt like I was supposed to get it. So I did - without really checking it out first (a rare thing for me).

When I sat down to start reading it a few days later, I quickly realized it was the book I didn't know I needed. I read it twice in a week & I've gone back to parts of it multiple times since.

The book is written by someone who also lost what they thought was their dream job. Although the specific circumstances were different, there was something about how the book was written that connected things for me & gave me permission to to acknowledge that I was grieving.

The book is Grieve, Breathe, Receive by Steve Carter.

In the middle of the book, I read a quote that helped me understand what was going on.

"This is the thing about grief that few talk about - it unravels us as we untangle it, & we find ourselves grieving the loss over what we thought it would be.

We mourn our preferred future and our separation all at once.

Part of honoring what comes up when change happens is wrestling with how we thought it would be." (page 99)

This is where I made one of the most helpful realizations for my own journey. There's more than one loss with grief (something I wrote about last week).

Carter goes on to say:

"Grief is us saying, 'It's not supposed to be like this.'

But it's even more than that.

It's also the untangling that we must do as we grieve." (page 100)

We're untangling the lost of our planned or preferred future.

We're untangling ourselves from the past.

We're untangling what has happened to other relationships as a result.

And that all takes time. And it's okay that it does.

In the process, we need to allow ourselves the time & space to do so.

The Losses we Don't Talk About

 If you've ever walked through the loss of an important person in your life, then you know that we don't handle grief well as a society. It makes us uncomfortable. We often try to rush people through stages of grief, as if they are a linear process we can just move through to get past the grief.

We expect people to grieve the loss of someone. And for the firsts without that person to bring sadness or anger. We may not be completely comfortable with it, but we expect it.

But, in the last six months, I've noticed that we don't really talk much about the other losses we face. And we don't expect them to be long journeys with grief. Nor do we realize that sometimes all we see is the big loss & we don't realize the many smaller losses that are rolled up in it.

I think the best way for me to explain what I mean is going to be to share my story of the last six months.

Six months ago, I unexpectedly lost what I thought was my dream job at the time. In the days & weeks that followed people generally expected me to not be okay. But, as the months went on & I started a new job, I noticed that many people seemed to assume I would be okay now. And were generally surprised when I told them otherwise.

I have more days when I'm okay than days where I'm not now. I feel like I can genuinely enjoy things, smile, & laugh again. But, I also still have many days - sometimes one, sometimes multiple days in a row - where I'm just not okay. That's the reality of grief.

I've also discovered it's not just the loss of my job I'm grieving. It's a long list of things tied to it that I'm grieving.

I lost may of the people I had spent my days with for the better part of 17 years.

I lost the purpose that came with the work that I did.

I lost the familiarity of what I did everyday.

I lost the sense of how my work really changed the lives of people. 

I lost the security of knowing what I did.

I lost the confidence that I could do my job.

I lost the vision of what my future would look like that I had.

I lost my trust in those I work for & with.

I lost many more things than I can name right now.

And most losses, are actually a whole lot of "smaller" things rolled up into the big loss that's obvious.

But, these aren't the losses we like to acknowledge or talk about. Because they're the harder ones to walk through.

If the only loss I was dealing with was the loss of my job, then finding a new job would been all I needed to move on. It's all those little things that mean I'm still grieving.

In his book "Grieve, Breathe, Receive" Steve Carter writes:

"You don't journey through grief, you journey with grief."

Rather than looking for people to be done with grief, we need to learn how to be okay with the uncomfortableness of grief.

How do we do that?

The most helpful thing we can do, is to let people be not okay for as long as they need. And that means we need to be willing to sit with people - even when they're maybe not the most fun to be with.

And we need to remember that grief isn't linear. The commonly referred to stages of grief are helpful in describing the various ways people will feel as they journey with grief, but we can't expect people to move through them in a linear fashion or to just have those feelings come up once.

The Important Places & Stories in Our Lives

 Do you have a place that's filled with memories of good times from growing up? A place that maybe still feels like home when you go there?

I recently went back to one of those places for me. A place that has changed a lot in so many ways, yet, still feels like the same place every time I drive onto the property.

The camp I grew up going to & worked at for a few months recently celebrated 50 years of camp. They invited people - past & present - to come spend the day at the camp to celebrate.

From the moment I turned down the dirt road to the camp I was filled with memories.

Driving past the house by the gate where the camp director lived when I spent my summers in this place. The memories of conversations on the porch swing with his wife as I navigated summers as staff & the rest of life in between those summers. The wisdom & encouragement shared while sitting there.

The archery range was next. The first place I learned to teach something. Many hours spent there with kids of all ages teaching a skill we may never have learned anywhere else. (And the place where I got my first & only wasp sting, while I was there with a half dozen 8-10 year olds I was responsible for, so I had to stay until I could get someone else there.)

The Point

The lodge - where so much has changed over the years. But, it's still the place of many meals & chapel services. Good food, conversations over food, worshipping God.

Walking to the point - the place where we would have campfire every night of camp. Singing silly camp songs & worship songs. Hearing messages from the speaker for the week. Time to share the story of what God has done in the week of camp. It feels like holy ground when I approach it. There's something truly special about this place.

Walking along the path by the lake, the beach, climbing the hill back to the lodge. All so familiar & filled with memories. Doing things I never would have thought I would have been able to. Growing & learning in so many ways.

Even more memories in the people I saw & reconnected with. Whether we're still in touch or not, there's a connection when we gather again. And realizing that I made a few long term friends in my years here.

I was reminded of the importance of places when I was back at camp. But, even more of the importance of remembering & sharing the stories of what God has done.

The Beach

The day was filled with stories of how God worked to provide for the camp for 50 years. From the little things that made all the difference, to the bigger, more noticeable things.

I was also reminded of the ways God worked in my life when I was there. Many of the important spiritual decisions in the first 25 years of my life were made somewhere on that camp property. It's each to forget that in the midst of every day life, but it's important we don't. 

We need to remember & share the stories. That's how we stay faithful in the hard times & hold on when we can't see ahead.

The Power of Sharing Our Stories

 "The only story God can't use is the one that isn't shared."

Someone I know from church said this recently in a conversation. It stuck with me.

I tend to be someone who like the academic side of things. I can study or think about things & come to a conclusion. But, in doing so, I often keep it just in my head.

In the course of the conversation where these words were said, I had been reminded of the importance of sharing our stories with each other. It's our stories that move things from facts we know in our heads, to things we know from experience.

Stories also play a role in helping us to see what God has done. In the moment, we may not realize it. But, when we look back to tell the story to someone else or to write it down for ourselves, we see how God was at work. We need these to remind us we can keep going the next time we're going through something challenging. 

Our stories of God's faithfulness or the stories of others can help us to hold on & keep trusting God.

Do You Rest?

Do you make time & space for rest in your calendar?

I'm not talking about time to sleep at night - although that's important & necessary.

I'm not talking about a few hours zoning out in front of show - although there's nothing inherently wrong with that sometimes.

I'm talking about making space in your life to really slow down. To disconnect from the work emails & messages. To really just be present in the moment that's right in front of you.

This is something God actually intended for us to do. In the 10 Commandments in Exodus 20, God says:

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labour & do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, not your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens & the earth, the sea, & all that is in them, but He rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day & made it holy." (Exodus 20:8-11)

Unfortunately, the religious leaders of early Israel had added a detailed list of what you could & could not do in the Sabbath to this. They made it about rules, while missing the heart of it.

But, you still see Jesus & His disciples practicing the principle of the Sabbath. Over & over in the gospels, we see Jesus taking time away from the crowds & demands.

But, in our always connected society, we've lost the ability to really rest. Even when we're not at work our phones have messages from work easily accessible. It's easy to just check it. And there's often an expectation that we will.

But, this isn't how we're meant to live. This isn't what God had in mind from the beginning of creation. The example God set & mandated for His people had a regular rhythm of rest.

The importance of rest has been emphasized for me in the last few months. I was forced into an extended season of rest. At first, I didn't know what to do with my phone being so quiet & so many of the apps I'd grown used to checking no longer being there. I didn't know how to fill my time.

But, I very quickly realized just how tired I was. I had been running so hard for so long that exhaustion had become my normal. I didn't know another way because it had been so long.

As I was forced to slow down, I had to learn to rest. In it, I learned to be fully present with those I was with. For the first time in a long time, I was truly & fully present when I was with my niece . . . & she noticed & commented on the difference. Even now, as I return to working, I'm realizing I need to figure out how to plan for regular rest in my life.

I don't believe we need to get caught up in specific things we can or cannot do on a specific day. That could lead to us missing the point as the religious leaders in Jesus' day had. But, we need to create regular times of rest in our lives. Times where we disconnect from the demands of life & do things we enjoy - that fill us up.

A number of year ago, I heard a pastor describe the concept of a Sabbath in two words. Those two words have kept coming back to mind for me recently. Neither word is about a specific day or length of time or any other rules. They're concepts that can help us to make the space for rest - whether it's an actual day, or an afternoon, or a morning, or a longer period of time.

Pray & Play

PRAY: A Sabbath is time set aside to connect with God. A conversation in prayer without the usual limits that every other day may bring.

PLAY: A Sabbath is time to do things that bring you joy - just because they're enjoyable to you. Things that fill you up.

So, my question to you as I wrap this up: How can you make time to rest - time for Sabbath - a regular part of your life? What does it look like for you to spend time praying & playing regularly?

What Singleness Is Not

 I saw something in my Facebook feed the other day that rubbed me the wrong way. As is often the case, it had to do with singleness & how Christians talk about it & often view it.

Whether meant exactly how it sounded to me at first read or not, the immediate read that I & others in the comments who have been singles for longer, had hurt. I always do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt & assume the best in their intentions, but that doesn't mean saying nothing when things should be said. Even if the way it was read was not the intent, when multiple people read it in a way that causes real pain, it reveals just how much the choice of  words matters.

So, I'm going to address what was written & how it was read here today.

Here's what I read:

"Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured, but rather, it's an important stage of life that needs to be passed through as God shapes us, molds us, & loves on us." (emphasis mine)

Now, I'm going to start with what's right & good & needs to be said more in the church. Too often, especially in the church, we view singleness as a disease. When we find out someone is single, we start looking for reasons why they are & solutions or cures to it.

We need to be clear in our refusal to see singleness as a disease to be cured or a problem to solved. This view has done much harm over the years to many, & I appreciate statements that challenge this thinking.

But, as good as the first part was, the rest of the statement was hard to read. It turned singleness into something we go through (see the underlined words in the statement above) as if it's a step toward maturity. It perpetuated the all too common & hurtful view that singleness is a temporary state for everyone. That it's somewhere people are for a while until they inevitably move to the next stage of life where they are married.

Here's the thing: Nowhere in Scripture is marriage promised for everyone. That means some of us will be single for all of our adult lives. 

And any real look around our churches today would reveal that. There are significant numbers of single adults sitting in our church pews on Sundays. 

Some sources put the number of single adults in our church on a Sunday as high as 50%. Now, that number does include divorced & widowed singles, but a number that high does mean there are a significant portion of adults of all ages who have never married in our churches.

To view singleness as a life stage to be passed through is actually as hurtful as seeing it as a disease to be cured. It's as painful as seeing singleness as a problem to be solved. It still devalues the individual & leaves them feeling as if they haven't arrived at some arbitrary marker of maturity expected for them.

If I were to rewrite what I read, I would say something like this:

Singleness is not a disease to be cured, or a problem to be solved, or a life stage to get through. Singleness is a fact of life for some people, that God uses for His purposes & His glory, regardless of whether it is short-term, long-term, or something a person returns to at a later point in life.

Space for Quiet

 Do you ever make space for quiet in your life?

I started wondering this as I sat outside a coffee shop (where I have been spending a lot of time the last few months).

When I arrived, there was a loud truck cleaning out the grease trap of a nearby restaurant. The noise of the truck was all you could hear for a while.

When the truck finished & drove away, I was struck by the quiet that descended & the things it had drowned out.

The chirping of the bird hopping across the sidewalk, looking for crumbs dropped by customers.

The laughter in the conversations around me.

The leaves of the trees rustling in the gentle breeze.

The little things you only notice when it gets quiet.

This made me start to wonder about our spiritual lives & hearing what God might be saying to us.

We say we want to hear God's voice. but we have so much noise going on in our lives that it becomes easy to miss His voice. There isn't a moment when we actually slow down enough, where we turn off the noise to hear.

Even if our noise is good things, it can interfere with hearing God's voice if we don't ever turn it off.

Do you make space for quiet in your life?

What Does Contentment Really Look Like?

A quote I read in a book recently, made me think. 

"If we . . . ask God for contentment, we should cancel our membership with speed dating pool, stop spending every waking minute on myperfectmatch.com, and trust that God will provide everything we need to minister Him (2 Corinthians 9:8). If we aren't ready to do these things, we should be honest with ourselves and tell God the truth: 'Dear God, please make me happy being single until I can fix my singleness'." (Alisha Plummer, "Confessions of a Christian Spinster")

When I read those words, they didn't sit right with me. While I could agree with a part of them, I immediately felt they took things too far.

The chapter of the book this quote is from is about contentment. About not allowing a desire for marriage to rob us of the life we have right now.

And there's truth to it all. If we're so focused on getting married, as singles, then we're going to miss out on the things God has for us right now. We need to be seeking contentment with our lives - even if we never get married.

But, I don't think that contentment in our lives as singles means we can't do anything to pursue things we desire. 

Contentment as a single doesn't mean I stop putting myself in places where I could meet someone to marry - whether in person or online - waiting for God to somehow provide me with someone to marry when there's nothing in my life that would give me a chance to meet someone.

Contentment actually means that I don't let me desire for marriage control me. It doesn't consume all of my thoughts & energy.

Contentment, for all of us, whether single or married, is about having your desires in the proper place, not about removing them altogether. 

We can be content with things in our lives & still have hope for something to be different in the future.

We can be content & still have desires for specific things - even be working towards those desires. Whether those are hopes & desires for marriage, or children, or a house, or a new job in a specific field.

When those desires are submitted to God, we are living in contentment. We choose to surrender our desires, by telling God what they are. We're honest about them. And then we choose to trust God that whatever happens is part of His will & He will use it for His purposes.

Sometimes You Actually Need a Person

 Can we please stop equating Jesus being with us always as a reason to never feel lonely?

When we do this, we're basically saying that loneliness is a sin.

But, a study of Scripture shows that feeling lonely is not a sin. The things we choose to do as a result of feeling lonely may be sinful, but feeling lonely itself is not.

Yes, it's true that God is always with us wherever we are (Hebrews 13:5; Psalm 139). And that can be a great source of comfort & encouragement.

But, my study of Scripture makes it pretty clear that we are meant to live this life in relationship with other people. We need people around us, journeying with us (Hebrews 10:24-25).

We need to know we're not alone.

Also, often when we're feeling lonely, what we need is to have another in our physical space. That's what changes things.

It's not that we've forgotten God is with us in those moments. It's that we need the presence of a person who cares about us. This isn't wrong. It's how we were created.

We need to become people who respond to the loneliness of others by showing up & being with people. By making space for people, not by shaming them for their feelings with a reminder that God is with them, that doesn't acknowledge what's really going on.

Making Space to Stay Connected

 If you've been in the church for any length of time, you've probably heard the message that we weren't made to go through life alone. And my reading of Scripture makes it pretty clear that Christianity was meant to be lived in community.

But, this is so opposite to what we hear in society. We live in a world that tells us we should be able to do it all on our own. We're told that we should be able to get it done without someone else.

This means we have to be really intentional about staying connected to the people around us. It's not going to happen by accident.

But, how do we make this a priority when we all have such busy lives?

How do we manage the expectations & needs of each other while still honouring our capacities & family needs?

We have to start by having the conversation with each other. We have to be honest about our needs, desires, & capacities. The we can work out what it will look like to stay connected to each other well.

When we do this, it results in a good thing for everyone involved.

Stepping Out & Trusting God

 The other day as I sat outside a favourite coffee shop, I watched the window cleaners on the office building across the street. They were making the way down the building on ropes & harnesses.

I watched as they moved across the windows in a section & then moved a row lower. They did all of this with confidence they were secure & wouldn't fall as they moved.

As I watched for a few minutes, I felt like God was using it to say something to me. Those washing the windows were confident in the safety system they were using. They didn't keep checking or stay on the roof of the building because they weren't sure or because they were afraid. They knew the ropes & harness would hold them.

In that moment, God challenged me.

Will I step out in confidence in Him to hold me even when it's a step of faith?

Or as I going to allow fear to keep me back where it feels safer?

Somtimes God calls us to do something that feels like taking a step into the unknown. We have a choice of how we respond.

We can take that step of faith with confidence because of who we know God to be. And we can experience all that God has for us when we do.

Or we can stay where it feels safe & miss out on what God may have in store.

Are you willing to step out in faith when God asks you to trust Him?

God Meets Us Where We Are

 I was recently away for a few days at a cabin in an incredibly beautiful and peaceful place. It was good to just get away and be in creation without the usual demands of life.

The first morning, as I was sitting on the porch with my coffee and my journal, I head this bird squawking continually. It took me a while to realize where it was coming from and that the bird was squawking at me. Then I saw the bird's nest built on one of the lights on the porch. And that there were baby birds in the nest.

After a while the mama bird realized I wasn't going to do anything or move closer to them. She went back to work finding & bringing food to her babies. For the next couple hours I sat out there reading, writing, and sometimes just watching the nest.

Every time the mama returned to the nest with food, there would be all these baby bird beaks that would pop up, mouths open, expecting food. They were excited to see mama come back & anticipated something good & life-giving.

Later in the day, as I was reflecting on what I had watched, I had a question come to mind:

Do I have the same kind of anticipation as those baby birds when I come to meet with God? Do I expect Him to have something good & life-giving for me?

God meets us where we are & He brings us what we need. We simply have to be open to receiving what He has for us.

Who Do You Celebrate WIth?

 Who do you celebrate with?

I'm not talking about a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Or about who you would invite to a birthday party.

Who do you celebrate the everyday moments where something needs to be celebrated with?

The completion of a major project.

The good news after a health scare.

The fact that you followed through on something you were nervous or scared about.

Who do you celebrate these moments with?

The celebration may not be something big here. They often aren't, and they happen unplanned.

My guess is that the people you celebrate these times with are those you live with - your spouse, your kids, maybe your parents. These are often the easiest people to celebrate with because it doesn't require any planning. It's easier for it to be spur of the moment.

But, there is a segment of our population who are left out when this is seen as the way to celebrate these moments. For those of us who are singles and live alone, there's no one to celebrate with at home. We need friends & family to be available to celebrate those moments with us.

To change that requires intentionality. As singles we need to be willing to call or text friends & share. And we need those friends & family to take the time. It may be only a few minutes that you have, but it matters. And for the bigger things to celebrate, taking time to plan something more matters.

It really comes down to communication being the key. If we're not expressing what's important to us to celebrate, we can't expect people to know that it matters to us.

Walking with Each Other Through the Hard Times

 Who do you turn to when your world is turned upside-down? Who do you phone? Who sits with you in it?

Do you have anyone?

I've been quiet here for a while because I haven't known what to write. I've been walking through a time of my world being turned upside-down. That has made it hard to find the words for anything.

It's made me think more about the questions I asked at the start of this post.

For me, in this situation, I had family and friends I could reach out to right away for support. My Mom, my sister, & my niece showed up while I was still on the phone with them. And friends were there in words as they replied to a text message because I wasn't sure I was up for explaining to them any other way at that time. Even beyond this, people in my church family have been there since.

This is a picture of what it should look like. We weren't made to live this life alone. We were made to live it in community with people. We need people we can call on when our world is turned upside-down. People who will show up - either physically or through words - and just be with you.

The truth of my situation is that my family and friends can't fix it - though my niece would like to try. I didn't need their advice or solutions at first. I just needed them to remind me I wasn't alone. Even now, their presence & care are most important. Many have just listened & asked the questions to help me see things I wasn't seeing on my own. It's not a solution I need; it's people to walk through the uncertainty with.

This is what we all need. So, I leave you with the questions I started with.

Who do you turn to when your world is turned upside-down? Who do you phone? Who sits with you in it & lets you know you're not alone?

Singles Ministries Cannot be Just About Getting Them Ready for Marriage

 I saw a post on Instagram recently that frustrated me. The post talked about how singles ministry should focus on getting singles healthy mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they would be ready for marriages that are healthy.

When I read the first part, I agreed wholeheartedly. But, I quickly became frustrated by the reason given for why. Likely unintentionally, the post's author said that marriage should be the end goal for someone who is single, and that the worth of a single person comes from them focusing on being ready for marriage.

This was frustrating to read, and hurtful as a single adult in the church.

Let me start with a few questions for you to think about:

What are the five most important things you would want someone to know about you?

What do they say about who you are?

What do they reveal about what you value?

If you're married, then likely that would be one of the things on your list, but it's not the only thing.

If you're single that fact may or may not be on your list - depending on your experiences with telling people that.

Too often in the church, we have adopted the mindset that singleness is a problem to be solved. Whether we realize it or not, the language we use reveals this. In doing so, we limit the identity of a single adult to one thing - in a way that we don't for those who are married.

Your list of five things you would want someone to know about you likely includes a variety of information about who and what you value - whether you're married or single. If someone decided that married was the only thing that mattered about you and that it was a problem to be solved, you'd likely feel confined, seen as less than, under-valued.

But, we do that all the time to singles when we see singleness as a temporary situation or a problem to be solved. This is where the Instagram post I saw got it wrong.

Singles ministries in churches should be about helping singles become healthier mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they can live the abundant life Jesus offers. 

As soon as the focus becomes getting singles ready for marriage, we miss out on what God says about single adults as people. We need to see people for all of who they are, not just one thing that is part of them.

Please Respect my Personal Space

 Everyone you meet has a different set of personal space boundaries and they're important. They often exist for a reason. It can be hard to know the nuances of what someone's personal space looks like - especially because they may change depending on who the person is with at the moment.

I've written before about how we need physical contact with safe people regularly to do well in life. But, how much and with who is a very personal matter. And we have to learn to allow space for it to be different.

When it comes to this, I think there are a few things we do often in church in trying to be welcoming, that actually make people feel uncomfortable instead.

The first is the need to touch someone when you're talking to them. Whether it's an extra long handshake or a hand on their shoulder, I've experienced it and seen it often. There may be times when this is appropriate or desired, but it can also easily serve to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For a conversation in the lobby at church, this is probably not necessary most of the time. When praying for someone a hand on their shoulder could be a good thing, but, even then, we should be asking first.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the sometimes uninvited hugs. Being a "hugger" isn't an excuse to make some feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We need to be aware of other people's comfort with hugs and not force it on them.

Finally, the biggest thing is to not assume because someone was okay with it with one person, they automatically will be with you too. The level of relationship with a person can often have an impact on what someone is comfortable with. You may have just seen hug a family member or a close friend, so don't assume they'll hug you too if you don't fall into that category.

The biggest thing we can to do to help everyone feel comfortable is to respect someone's wishes. If they move away from you or prevent contact in some way, don't keep trying. If they ask you to stop, then stop. If they acknowledge you, but don't extend their hand in response to your offer of a handshake, don't keep following them around or put your hand on their shoulder.

One more thing I've seen, that probably bothers me more than any of the above. A kid should never have their personal space invaded or have your hand on them without their permission. We live in a world where teaching a kid that their body is theirs and no one gets to get too close to them without their permission is vital for their safety. We should be enforcing this at church, not disrespecting it.

I have stepped between my niece and people who were ignoring her discomfort. I will always do that for her with no questions asked, but I shouldn't have to at church. And for the record, she is always able to get right into my personal space without hesitation if she needs me. That doesn't apply to everyone else.

Seeing Something You Haven't Before in Scripture

 It's easy to become familiar with a part of a verse or passage in Scripture - especially when it speaks to something in your life at a time when you read it. We reference either the exact words or the concept regularly. This is a good thing, but it can also mean with miss things sometimes.

My attention recently turned to a verse that I'm quite familiar with. As I read the whole verse, I was actually a bit surprised to discover that two truths I often quote were in the same verse. And linking together gave a fuller understanding of both.

I know I've read this verse many times all together in the past, But, this time I noticed something I hadn't before. I love how there's always more to learn, even when we go back to a familiar passage.

Hebrews 13:5 says:

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'."

In conversations about money and possessions the first half of the verse if often mentioned. We use it to remind ourselves that loving money is a problem. That we need to learn to be content with what we have.

We take comfort in the second half as a reminder that God never leaves. That He is always with us - no matter what we're going through.

All of that is good and true and helpful for our lives. As I read this verse recently, it was the word in between these two parts that caught my eye:

BECAUSE

That word links these together.

Because God is never going to leave us or forsake us, we can be content with what we have.

Because God is never going to leave us or forsake us, we don't need to love money.

We can be content with what we have because God is never going to leave us or forsake us.

We don't need to love money because God is never going to leave us or forsake us.

Yes, I know I said the same thing twice there. When we've separated two things for so long, I think we sometimes need the repetition to get it to sink in.

When the writer of Hebrews put the word "because" here, they did it intentionally and we need to take notice.

Don't Assume Things About What Works For Me

 In a conversation I was a part of recently there was an assumption made that caught me off guard. I was surprised because it was over something where I never would have thought being single made a difference.

And the more I've thought about it since then, the more I've come to the conclusion that my status as a single actually has no bearing on this particular thing. It isn't part of the equation here.

The fact that it was brought up at all is a reflection of how dangerous making assumptions is and of the ways we continue to misunderstand singles in some places.

Let me start with the specific situation this relates to. A group of us were having a conversation and somehow got on the optic of kitchen size. I made a comment about my kitchen being small, not having a lot of counter space. The response I received was that it was okay that my kitchen was small because I was single.

I was just so surprised at the time that I said nothing in response. But, as I've thought about it since, I've figured out how I would respond in the future to a similar comment.

Only from the perspective of the number of people being in space does my being single matter. There's rarely more than just me in my kitchen.

But, it stops there. Whether there's one person or three people in my kitchen, the fact is that you quickly run out of counter space when you're cooking. Cooking for one person doesn't mean I don't need space for a cutting board to chop veggies or meat, somewhere to put the dishes as I use them to prep, and all the other things that take up space when you cook. That still takes up the same amount of space.

That is just an example of a situation where an assumption was made based on my status as single. In the grand scheme of things, a fairly harmless one. I was left a little bothered, but it didn't impact my life in big ways.

But, it does highlight a danger that comes with making assumptions. It's easy to make assumptions based on our limited understanding of a situation, or the first thoughts that come to mind. But, we often either don't have all the information about something or we haven't walked through the implications of the our assumption when we make it. The can be incredibly hurtful to the person we make our assumption known to.

We have to learn to change this. We have to take the time to check our assumptions before we move forward with them. And that takes time and intentionality.

To go back to the conversation that referenced this:

I know for sure that with more people more space in the kitchen is required. I cook most major holiday meals in my Mom's kitchen, which is quite a bit bigger than mine. There's definitely space to have 2 or 3 of us in in.

And, the one time that Thanksgiving dinner had to be moved to my house, it truly was a challenge to make it there. Even though the change also meant fewer people for the meal, we had slow cookers on the floor because there was no where else to put them.

So, in that conversation where I said my kitchen was small, how could things have proceeded differently without assumptions being made?

Just acknowledging that my kitchen is small. Maybe a comment that they couldn't imagine trying to cook with someone else in it. The most important part being no reference to me being singles as making it okay.

Even beyond someone's marital or family status this applies. This is just the example I have to share.

Where do you tend to make assumptions?

How can you do a better job of checking them before you state a potentially hurtful assumption?

Don't Force Me to Share in a Group

 In our desire to develop community and get to know each other at more than a surface-level, I think we sometimes put people in an uncomfortable, often terrifying, situation. As we try to get this to happen, we can put people in a position where they feel forced to share more than they are really comfortable with sharing.

My guess is that we don't do this on purpose. It's not our plan. We're simply trying to create a way for our time together that gives every space to share.

Our default is often to go to some sort of "everyone has 2-3 minutes to share where they're at as go around the group."

Cue a wide range of emotional responses, from completely okay with that to terrified and looking for a way to leave before your turn comes. Instead of creating the connection hoped for by it, some people are instantly disconnected and may not ever return to the group.

Even for those who stay and who return, it can create have the opposite effect of creating more disconnection. Now there are things about them "out there" with that group that they're either afraid will be used against them in the future, or that they feel they have to continue to live up to forever. The forced sharing has had the effect of making them feel like they have to live up to a certain thing they shared, even if it's not true all the time.

Unless the group has been together for a long time and this type of sharing already occurs naturally, I don't think this is the best way to create what is being sought. If people are already doing it on their own, then a more formal and structured time of sharing can be beneficial - when used occasionally. 

But, if the group is newer or that level of sharing hasn't occurred before, you can do a lot of harm to the forming of the group when people are in a position where they feel forced to share things they're not ready to with that group.

There's a few things to consider with what, how, and when people share personal things with a group:

1. Trust to share personal things is earned over time. If you push this too soon, you drive people away. And, people's experience will inform when they will trust. The timing looks different for everyone and we have to allow space for that.
2. Going too deep too soon can create a false sense of knowing each other.
3. If someone feels forced to share before they're ready to, you can actually cause trauma for them. This relates to a lot of what I wrote about in my series of posts on spiritual trauma in fall 2023 (you can find those posts here). It's one of the ways that the church can do damage to people.

So, what do we do instead?

We start by creating a safe space for people to begin with trusting with very small things. Make the group a safe place to admit you had a bad day or celebrate something - with no need for a lot of details to be shared.

Over time, you can slowly go deeper by asking questions that prompt a deeper discussion. Not a place where everyone has to share, but questions that invite people to participate and share as much or as little as they are comfortable with.

Being "The Single Person" at a Wedding

Thinking about it a little more, a better title for this post may be Being "The Older Single Person" at a wedding. But, that just seems a bit awkward . . .

In the last year, I've been to a handful of weddings again. After many years of not having any, it seems that weddings have been more frequent again. The difference being, I'm not going as part of the group of single friends of the bride and/or groom (with one exception). I'm going, often, as the only single person over the age of 30 at the wedding. And, I'm discovering that makes a difference.

People expect there to be young adults at a wedding that are single. And, some of the things that have traditionally been a part of weddings for those who are single are still fun at that point.

But, as an older single adult, things are different. And, I'm grateful that some of those things haven't been part of recent weddings. Being called out as single at a wedding isn't fun at this point, so seeing those traditions left behind is a relief. 

I'm happy to see no bouquet tosses to the single women in attendance, or garter tosses to the single men. I'm just going to say it: those suck at my age, because it never fails that some well-meaning person at the wedding will make a big deal about the older single adult at the wedding getting up there, whether they want to or not.

Because a wedding is about two people coming together, they are often filled with unspoken and unacknowledged assumptions that make sense for those coming with a partner.

I've written about this before in other settings, but even in how seating is set up in even numbers is a challenge. When things are rigidly set up in even numbers, there isn't a space for the older single adult who comes to the wedding. They are seated with the young adults, or, maybe even worse, they're treated as the strange family member or friend, and left basically alone.

Thankfully in the weddings this last year, I've been seated with other friends in the room - even if it made the tables an odd number of people. It makes it easier to feel like you belong, at least a little bit, in a space focused on couples.

The other thing that I've noticed is challenging to navigate is a dance at a wedding. Depending on how this is done, it can be incredibly isolating for the older single adults in attendance - especially if they like to dance. 

It's one thing to dance with your friends - whether single or married - when you're a young adult. But, something changes when you're older and still single. There's not the same options of those to dance with in the group. Many couples will dance only with each other.

A thing I'm noticing is having some sort of a dance lesson as part of the dance. Can I just be honest and say that, unless this is done very carefully, it's a part of the wedding celebration that calls out those who are single and isolates them completely. If the dance is a partner dance, the older single adult is sitting on the sidelines - almost always by themselves - feeling like they don't actually belong in the space.

At one of these recent weddings, I experienced the dance and dance lesson happening in a very welcoming way for everyone there. It was a wedding for a friend who was single longer and we talked on many occasions on how to navigate life, church, family, and any other aspect of life as a single adult often. Somehow, this friend structured the dance lesson and subsequent dance in such a way that everyone was able to participate and enjoy the dancing. Maybe it helped that there were many more older single adults at this wedding than some others . . .

But, I wonder if being intentional about not inviting people to grab their partner to start the dance lesson can help. Maybe mixing in a large number of line dances, group dance songs . . . places to include everyone, even if they came to the wedding alone, in the dancing.

There are some areas of life that are more challenging to navigate as a single adult. And weddings can definitely be one of them.

I don't have solutions to all the challenges or prescriptions for how things should be done, but maybe we can have a conversation. Maybe as we have the conversation, we can learn and grow together.

Seeing Single Adults in the Church

 Since I wrote my last post I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.

I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.

As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.

The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.

But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.

As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.

The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers "because you're single and have more time"  - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.

While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.

The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.

So, how do I wrap this up?

A few things to move us forward:

1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.

2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.

3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.

When You Feel Unseen

 Have you ever had an experience where you felt unseen? An experience where it seemed like you weren't noticed even though you were right there?

It's quite possible that we've all had those experiences. We've all had the experience of feeling invisible even though we were in the same space.

Sometimes this not noticing is intentional. Someone or a group are intentionally choosing to ignore us and leave us out. 

But, I would guess that a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, it's completely unintentional. The other people weren't specifically choosing not to see you, and they would be genuinely chocked and sorry if it was pointed out to them.

Unfortunately, as a single adult in the church this seems to happen often. In the focus on supporting and strengthening marriages in a culture where marriage is under attack, single adults aren't often mentioned. And then they are, it's for single parents and those healing from divorce. That leaves a growing segment of the population in churches never mentioned or acknowledged. I don't believe this is intentional, but it is what's happening.

I was reminded of this just recently during a focused time of prayer in my church. Daily prayer prompts were sent out to all who wanted to participate. I watched the groups of people to pray for each day come to my inbox . . . kids, youth, seniors, college/university students, marriages.

After seeing all of those come, I waited to see if another would come that was for the segment of the church I fit into was going to come. But, it never did come. 

We moved on to praying for other things.

Every single prayer prompt that landed in my inbox was important. All of them were things I was happy to be reminded to pray for.

But, there was still a bit of a sting. I felt unseen in the prayer prompts. While not intentional, those prayer prompts, once again, pushed single adults to the sidelines. Unless you also fit into the categories of seniors or a college/university student, there was no mention of you.

I don't believe this was intentional. I've written before about the western evangelical church's under-developed theology of singleness (although I'm seeing more good resources written in the recent years) and I think this is a result of that. We've focused on marriage and the value placed on God's standards for marriage - which we've needed to - to the exclusion of other adult realities. Because of that, we don't know how to include single adults in our prayer prompts. In doing so, we've lost sight of a growing segment of those who make up our churches.

Maybe you're reading this, and it's something you'd never thought about before. Or maybe you're reading this and nodding along with what I've written, because you've been in this same space before.

How so we respond when we feel unseen? Whether for these reasons or others.

First, I think we have to start with reminding ourselves that we can't assume it's intentional. More than likely, it's a unintentional.

Second, don't shove down the sting of it. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge what's going on for you.

Finally, we need to speak up. We need to say something. Don't stay quiet. We need the healthy conversations that come from saying something.

A God Who Abundantly Provides

 Do you struggle to trust God to provide for your needs?

Do you worry you won't have what you think you need if you leave it all to God?

It's probably safe to say that we all struggle with this at least sometimes. We're human and we don't always trust God perfectly. It's hard.

I've been reading in John 6 recently and as I did, I was struck by the way provision from God was portrayed.

This chapter starts with the familiar story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with five loaves and two fish. We talk lots about how the small amount of food miraculously fed everyone.

But, I was struck by the words of verse 13 this time:

"So they gathered up the pieces and filled twelve baskets with the pieces left from the five barley loaves."

Not only were all the people fed and satisfied, but there was an abundance of leftovers. Jesus didn't provide just enough barely for people to not be hungry. Everyone had their fill and there were still leftovers.

A little later in the same chapter, Jesus says these words:

"I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to Me will never be hungry and whoever believes in Me will never be thirsty." (verse 35)

In these words, Jesus is offering to satisfy all the needs of the people; they just have to trust Him.

It all sounds so simple, but it's so much more difficult to live.

Why do we struggle with this?

I think it comes down to what we're looking for. We often have a pre-decided picture of what we need. We're looking only for that, and, in doing so, we miss out on everything else God may be doing to provide.

The disciples in the feeding of the 5,000 almost did. They saw only the cost of feeding everyone (verse 7) and the meager offering available (verse 9). The situation seemed impossible for them to solve. Their solution was to send the people away to find food for themselves.

But, Jesus had a different plan in mind. Jesus revealed God as the One who provides for our needs in abundance. But, the disciples had to look beyond what they expected to see it. They had to be willing to see differently.

I wonder if we need to be willing to hold our idea of what God's provision looks like with open hands. If we need to be willing to see God's abundant provision outside what we think it should look like.

Where do you need God to provide?

Are you struggling to trust Him?

Have you pre-decided what God's provision has to look like?

Are you willing to let that go?

How can you practice being open to God's provision looking different than you thought it would?

Seeing People as God Sees Them

 What do you see when you past an unhoused person in your community?

Who do you see in the people involved in the drug deal you saw happen across the parking lot?

Do you try to ignore or walk more quickly past the person doing drugs on the sidewalk?

How do you react when someone whose behaviour doesn't fall in the boxes of what's normal walks into the space you are in?

I've had a few conversations recently that made me think about questions like these. They're not easy questions to think about or answer.

We all have an initial reaction. And I would guess that for most of us, it's a pretty judgemental response. Even as someone who works at an organization where we interact with those who are unhoused, people struggling with addiction and mental health challenges, and those whose lives don't fall within society's norms, I can be pretty quickly judgemental of what I see.

But, God is gracious enough to remind me that every person I see, no matter what their life looks like has value and is loved and is far more than what others see.

He reminds me as I hand a cheque to someone I grew up with, knowing they're going to go straight to the cheque-cashing place down the block to cash it to buy drugs. The money belongs to this person, so I have to give it to them. As I do, I remember how they found the humor and made everyone laugh all the time growing up.

God reminds me as I run into someone else I grew up with and they thank me for how I handled our last interaction. The last time I saw them they were very drunk and stumbling. I didn't push them away; instead, I wrapped my arms around them in a hug as they fell towards me. They didn't remember our conversation from that day, but they remembered that I put my plans aside and grabbed a couple coffees and sat with them while we waited for a safe ride home for them.

I didn't see in the moment of these situations how God was gracious to me in them. If you'd asked me at the time, I would have told you that I wished they hadn't happened. But, in the last few years, I've become incredibly grateful for these interactions, because they've taught me a life-changing lesson.

Genesis 1:26-27 says:

"Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness' . . .So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them."

All of humanity is created in the image of God. It's part of our DNA. It's part of who we are.

The fall has buried that. It's difficult to see in probably most of the people you see on a daily basis. But it changes everything when we remember that.

These two people I grew up with were created in the image of God and they're loved by God.

The person who is unhoused is created in the image of God and they're loved by God.

The people involved in the drug deal are created in the image of God and they're loved by God.

The person struggling with addiction is created in the image of God and they're loved by God.

The person whose behaviour doesn't fit in is created in the image of God and they're loved by God.

When I remind myself that every single person I see in a day is created in the image of God and loved by God, it changes my thoughts and, as a result, it changes my actions. I don't look at certain people with disgust; I see them with compassion and love, as people who are worthy of respect simply because they're people created in the image of God and loved by God. I no longer wish harsh realities or death on people.

Instead of seeing the things that are easy to judge people for, I begin to look for glimpses of who God created them to be and call them out in them- even as they struggle and circumstances may not change.

So, I leave you with the question I'm continuing to wrestle with: How would you see and treat people, who you normally judge, differently if you reminded yourself that everyone is created in the image of God and loved by God?

Sharing the Other Perspective

 I had a brief conversation with a friend recently that made me realize the need to explain things where the perspective is different. It wasn't about anything that would have a huge impact on someone's life, but it was still important.

We were talking about going to a movie. My friend made the comment that you didn't really need to book movie tickets together, because you would be watching a movie, not talking anyways. In theory, that's true. But, there's also something I realized in the moment that made her experience of going to the movies different than mine.

She made the comment under the assumption that was going with her husband, and meeting others at the movie was a nice, but not necessary thing. Not a spoken assumption, or even one she was necessarily aware of. I had a choice in that moment: I could say nothing and let it be, or I could help her see it from my perspective. This was a good friend, so I decided to say something in that conversation.

As a single person, I want to book and purchase the movie tickets together, so that we're sitting together. Even though we're not talking during the movie, it matters that I'm sitting with people I know if we talked about going to the movie together. If I book my ticket on my own, I'll likely be sitting completely alone for movie; whereas, for my friend, she's sitting with her husband.

I'm not opposed to or afraid of going to things by myself. I do it a lot. But, when I talk about doing things with someone, I want to actually sit with them. Sitting alone in a movie theater, even knowing I have friends in the theater, doesn't quite feel like what the plan was, and it can make me feel on the outside again.

I share this experience, not to talk about going to the movies, or about going to things alone. I share it to highlight how easily we can misunderstand people and take offense it we're not willing to dig deeper.

I could have said nothing and let my feelings of not being understood fester, but that wouldn't have helped me or my friend. It likely would have damaged our friendship, at least for a bit.

By saying something, our friendship gained more understanding of each other instead. I didn't belabour the point. I simply stated it and we moved on, but it was an important couple of minutes.