Lie #5: Pornography is Only a Man's Problem

Life #5: Men are visual, so pornography is only a man's problem. 

When you hear someone mention pornography from the front, how often do they begin talking about it by addressing the men in the room?

If your experience is like mine, then it's the majority of the time. And, if anything for women is mentioned, it's to do with romance novels only. The most common reason I've heard for why when I've asked about it is because men are visual & women aren't.

At the risk of sharing something I'll later regret posting in a public place. In those six words at the end of the last paragraph, I am pushed to the sidelines - unseen & not understood. I don't fit that stereotype.

So, I'm just going to state it clearly: pornography is a problem for all people. It's not just a problem for men. All of us can fall into it's trap. And reading romance novels or getting caught up in romance movies is not just a woman's thing. We can't use gender to put people in boxes.

I can hear some of the protests I've heard before: But, it's generally true, so it's okay to say that.

I have two responses: First, how do we know that? Are there fact & statistics to back up that claim? Or does it just appear that way because we've always said that so no one will say differently because they don't want to be see as weird?

Second, even if the statistics do say it's more likely to be men, by generalizing we're leaving a group of people who don't fit the stereotype along with no resources & without a place to ask for help.

So, rather than being so specific in our conversations, can we just talk about the problem & create a safe space for all to ask for help to find freedom?

Lie #4: It's Okay, or It's an Unforgivable Sin

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's an unforgivable sin. 

Okay, I really never intended to write about this topic, but you can't address the larger topic of this series without talking about it . . . so, here we go . . .

There seems to be two sides to this one. Neither of them really helpful. In fact, I would say that both are harmful.

On the one hand, I've heard people say that, in the absence of a partner to fulfill sexual desire with, there is only one right choice. On the other, I've heard people say that because it's not exactly as God designed it, it's an unforgivable sin.

Both of these views cause hurt. The both provide an over-simplified answer to the question of how to handle sexual desire. As I wrote in my post on Lie #3, this is a challenging topic & one that makes us uncomfortable.

Let's go back to where I started many of these posts. God created sex & gave us sexual desire. The fact that we have it, is not a sin or something we should seek to remove from our lives.

What we should be doing is seeking to honour God in how we handle it. And that actually means we can't just speak in absolutes about it.

Questions & conversations around this come from a desire to live a life that honours God & we cause harm when we just declare an absolute without acknowledging the real struggle of people.

In my opinion, I don't think either statement is right. They're different sides of the same lie.

I will leave you with this. God's design for our sexuality is clear in Scripture. And we have to wrestle with what it looks like for us to live it out.

While this may not be God's intended plan for how we deal with sexual desire, it also isn't sin that God can't forgive us for. Like all sin, God offers forgiveness when we repent. 

God's forgiveness doesn't give us a license to just do whatever we want. But, it should make us think.

How can I handle this in a way the honours God & live according to God's commands in Scripture?

 As with all things, our handling of sexual desire should be something we're constantly taking to God.

Lie #3: Sexual Desire Has an Easy Solution

 Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

In some ways this could be a continuation of lie #2. They're definitely related, but I think there's some important differences to acknowledge here.

I've had experiences with two answers to any discussion regarding sexual desire in a single person - both answers seem to be designed to shut down the discussion as having a simple solution.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes:

"Now to the unmarried & the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (verses 8-9)

These words have been essentially thrown at me as a solution to a problem, without acknowledging the complexity of it.

Here's the challenge, marriage takes two people. Hopefully, two people who are seeking to live according to God's plan. That means it's not just as simple as telling someone to get married to solve the problem of their sexual desire. We don't have to look far to realize that "solution" doesn't work; if it did, we wouldn't see the problems we see in marriage.

Yes, Paul tells us that marriage is a place where sexual desire can be met. But, when we look at the larger context of what he is saying there's more going on here. He was valuing singleness & living out God's plan in that. While, at the same time, he was acknowledging there's a struggle with singleness & sexual desire.

The other words that have been thrown my way in this come from Isaiah 54:5,

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer."

The implication with this one, & sometimes the words that go along with it, are that if Jesus is my husband, than I shouldn't struggle with this. I should be able to have all of my desires completely satisfied in Jesus, & shouldn't need anything else.

Yes, we should all be seeking to be satisfied in God. But, there is still something different in having a person who you can actually see & be with.

Instead, we need to acknowledge this is a complex situation, without a simple solution. And sometimes, it's a very painful reality for those of us who are single. When we desire to live according to God's plan for our sexuality as a single person, that means that sexual desire is something we still have, but we don't have an obvious way to deal with it in accordance with God's plan. 

So, as with so much of what I've been writing, we need to actually practice honouring & sitting with the uncomfortableness of all of this, instead of looking for quick solutions to throw at someone.

We Need Both - Studying the Bible Deeply & Following the Promptings of the Holy Spirit

 I had someone ask me a few months back if they could go to Bible college and still have a life led by the Holy Spirit afterward.

I was curious about why they were asking me this.

They had been told by someone in a different conversation that going to Bible college and studying the Bible & theology that way would mean they would just have an intellectual belief. And they would no longer be able to hear or follow the Holy Spirit in their life.

I immediately answered no to their original question. I know from personal experience that you can take the time to study the Bible & theology deeply and still live a Spirit-led life. The two are not mutually exclusive. 

In fact, I would argue that the two are vitally linked together. 

When we study Scripture deeply, we learn to more easily recognize the promptings of the Holy Spirit. And as follow & respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, our study of Scripture is further illuminated.

This is something that became very clear to me in the two years that I spent at Bible college myself. And, I will always tell people that it was the best decision I made for my own spiritual journey. And encourage them to consider it for themselves.

There are so many things I learned in my two years at Briercrest College, that have changed my spiritual walk. And they happened both in the classroom as we dug deeply into Scripture, in the discussions that happened in my business classes there, & in the interactions that happened in the dorm or the cafeteria or many other places.

I come back to this story often when I talk about my time at Briercrest. It was something incredibly simple that has had an impact on me - even now, 19 - 1/2 years after it happened.

I started my post-secondary education at a college in my hometown. I enrolled in the business program & spent two years studying business. After that, I made the decision to transfer to Briercrest.

On my first day, as I checked in at registration I had only a few minutes of interaction with one of the professors - someone who was meeting many people for the first time that day. The following week, I ran into this same professor in the hallway & he stopped to ask me by name how my first week was going.

In those few minutes, I realized how different the experience at Briercrest was. There were professors at my last school who had taught multiple of my classes in the two years prior who would not have recognized me outside of the classroom, let alone known my name. Yet, this professor, who wasn't even teaching one of the classes I was taking, remembered my name from a busy registration day.

Something about that interaction made me realize just how important my time at Briercrest would be. Not only was I going to learn academically, I was going to learn in community that really cared & walked it out together.

Alongside reading commentaries & theology books, I learned how to pray. 

Alongside writing papers, I learned to live in real community.

Alongside learning about the historical context where the Bible was written, I learned how to hear God's voice.

Alongside digging into the original language of Scripture, I was challenged to live a life of obedience to God & what He was asking me to do.

Looking back, almost 20 years since I graduated, I still see the time I spent at Briercrest as one the best decisions I made in my life. I wouldn't trade those two years for anything - not one minute of them. Even as this BC born & raised girl, watched the chapel building for this school on the prairies come into view for way longer than I was used to seeing things approach, who had no idea what was going to come, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And I will always tell anyone who asks, if you have the chance to go . . . GO! There isn't a better choice you could make for your walk with God.