Showing Up & Asking for Help

 "Would you like me to drive you?"

In a simple question in a text, a friend reminded me a few weeks ago that I had a community to do life with. That I didn't have to do it all on my own.

The truth is: I know this. 

When I think about it, I know that I have a number of people who I could have asked. People who would have been willing to say yes, if they could.

But, in the moment, it can be hard to make the ask. In a world where doing it all on your own is prized & encouraged, it's easy to not ask. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking I need to be a strong, independent, single woman & do it on my own.

Yet, going all the way back to Genesis, we see that God said it wasn't good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Whether you see this verse as being specifically related to marriage or not, there is one thing we can be sure of: God didn't intend for us to do this life alone. Scripture continues to remind us of this as we read it (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 & Hebrews 10:23-25). We were created to need each other, to do life together.

A simple text with a simple question. A friend giving of their time to drive me to an appointment, wait for me, & drive me home. It reminded me of a powerful truth.

We don't have to do this alone. We can & should ask others for help when we need it. This is how God intended us to live.

And it challenged me as a single person. Sometimes it can be easy to use the fact that I live alone & can look after myself as an excuse not to ask for help when I need it. 

The truth was that I really did need someone to go with me to that appointment, but I wasn't going to ask. I was afraid of imposing on someone (. . . & yes, I know some of you reading this will be quick to tell me it's not that). I was afraid of looking like I couldn't handle things on my own.

But, as single adults, we need to have that community around us that can help us when we need. People we can call or text when we need a ride somewhere, or just need to know we're not alone. 

Grief & Anniversaries

 I've been thinking about how we handle grief in our society a lot recently. 

Or, as I sometimes wonder . . . how we misunderstand & mishandle grief.

It's been a topic coming up a lot as I approach an anniversary I never expected to have. It's just a couple days away from one year since I lost my job.

I hadn't thought much about it until a about month ago. I noticed that as I looked at the calendar for May I had no desire to plan anything. Even getting organized for things I usually look forward to just didn't motivate me to do anything.

It wasn't until I actually really looked at the date on the calendar in the middle of May that I realized what was going on. Even though I wasn't conscious of it at first, my body was remembering the events of a year ago.

Even after I realized this, I was still confused about why I was responding like this. After going back to some of the resources that helped me at the time & asking my counsellor, I started to see how my surprise & confusion over all of this stems from our misunderstanding & mishandling of grief.

We tend to associate grief with the death of someone we loved. And that's a time where grief is accepted & expected. We make space for it. And we should. We all for the anniversary of it to be hard again.

But, as I've written before, that's far from the only time we experience grief. It comes any time we a experience a loss - no matter how big or small. And we need to make space for all that comes with that - when it happens & when anniversaries & reminders occur that bring up the feeling again.

For me, that's meant acknowledging that it's hard to be motivated to do much right now. Giving myself grace for just sitting at home sometimes. But, also still getting out with people & doing things.

And letting people in my life know what's going on.

As I've shared this, I was reminded of how we don't handle this well. Many people seemed to be genuinely surprised that I would be struggling right now. Because I'm generally okay these days & don't talk about it much, it sometimes felt like people expected it to not affect me anymore.

I don't fault them for it. That's what we've been taught in our society. Grief happens when something happens & then it's done.

But, I've learned through this experience & the loss of my Grandma a few years ago, that grief comes in cycles. And, just because the feelings of sadness or anger over the loss come up again doesn't necessarily mean there's more to process or work through. 

It's all part of a journey that isn't linear. We don't move through the "stages of grief" in an order or a set timeframe. And there are things that will remind us of the loss & we'll feel it again for a bit.

What we actually need to do is learn to allow ourselves to feel the feelings. To acknowledge it. To not run from it.

We move through it. And, often, we just need to feel it - not try to solve it.