reflections of a journey of questions

This past week has found me a little bit reflective. I've been reflecting on the journey that began for me a couple of years ago now. The events that over the course of the next year or so shook my world - my nice, safe world where not too much that was of a world-shaking nature had happened.

My world was shaken when . . .
. . . On September 8, 2008 when I received a phone call saying that my mom and sister had been in a car accident that could have (should have) been really bad. They walked away, but it made me think about losing people close to me.
. . . On September 17, 2008 when I received a phone call saying that a friend of mine had lost her husband a couple of days before in a car accident . . . leaving her behind with a young child and pregnant with their second. It didn't seem fair then . . . why had my mom and sister walked away and he was killed?
. . . On August 2, 2009 when friends of mine lost their 2-1/2 year old little boy. This seemed like just the final straw. I really didn't understand how a loving God could allow all of this to happen.
. . . Somewhere in here, a girl whose family I know was diagnosed with cancer . . . again! Seriously, isn't once enough?

That series of events brought me to a place I wasn't really prepared to find myself. I was questioning God. I wasn't sure if I believed He was good. I wasn't sure if I believed He answered prayers for miracles. I wasn't sure if He actually had the power to perform miracles. I grew up in the church, I could give you all the "church answers" to those doubts without thinking twice. But, I wasn't sure that I really believed them. I mean, just because I had heard them all my life, didn't mean they were correct, right?

I don't really know much besides following God, so I kept crying out to God for answers, going to church, reading my Bible . . . basically doing all those things the "good Christians" do, all the while, keeping much of my struggle to myself. Except for to a few people, I really was too proud of who people thought I was to actually admit my struggles.

Since I was keeping it mostly to myself, imagine my dismay when an opportunity came up to be a part of a Bible study in September 2009 that was all about believing God - especially because I felt like God was telling me that this was what He wanted for me. I spent a couple of weeks arguing with God about this one. First off, I wasn't sure if I believed God at that point. Secondly, I hadn't really told many people about my struggle and I was pretty sure that if I did a Bible study like this one more people would find out. But, despite my objections, God won that argument (doesn't He always?), and on September 14, 2009 I found myself walking in to that Bible study (but not before trying to convince God that I wasn't going to go in the parking lot just a few minutes before).

That Bible study was probably the hardest one I have done. The entire Bible study from then until the end of November was about believing God is who He says He is, that He can do what He says He can do, that I am who He says I am, that I can do all things through Him, and that His Word is alive and active in me. Right from the first video session I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, but also that this was exactly where I needed to be at that point. There were many times when I was doing the homework during the week where my pen or the workbook was thrown across the room, or I just got up and walked away because I couldn't do anymore. It was getting at every question, every doubt I had at that point.

But, looking back, I'm glad that I pushed through it all and that I listened to God in the first place in signing up for that study. I was forced to face and really acknowledge my doubts, and to take them to God - kind of ironic that I ended up going to the very God that I was doubting with my doubts. My Bible study table was also full of ladies who, whether they knew it or not, were catalysts that God used to keep me going in this study and to come out the other side having grown closer to God and come to better understand the value of community and being honest about the struggles in life with one another. It was a journey that helped me begin to move beyond those doubts and back to really believing and trusting God. When the Bible study ended, I thought that part of my journey was over.

As I discovered in the beginning of January, it wasn't yet. I was sitting in the fourth night of five evening series on prayer at church. The speaker was talking about hindrances to prayer and mentioned doubt. Now, I had come to the point where I did believe (again) God was good and I did believe (again) that God heard and answered prayer. But, that night I realized I had still limited God to some degree in prayer. I would pray to Him for things (again), but I stopped short of the big things. I wouldn't pray for the things that seemed like really big miracles. I still didn't believe that He would/could do those things. That night was another challenge in this journey to learn how to trust God enough again to pray for what seemed like the really big things in life (ie. people would be healed, etc.).

Looking back now, a year since my friends' little boy died, I'm amazed at the journey this time has been. It's been hard. There have definitely been times when it seemed like it would be easier to just give up. But, in retrospect, I'm so glad that even in the midst of those doubts and struggles I was obedient to God's promptings in my life. I can't (and don't want to) imagine where I would be if I hadn't.

Honestly, this a journey I never expected to be sharing this way on my blog. There have been snippets of it in other blogs, but this is far more detail than I ever planned on putting out there. But, lately, I've been realizing that many times in my life the thing that has challenged and encouraged me the most has been the times when others have shared their stories with me. It seems like life as a follower of Christ is so much more real then and not such an impossibility. I share this, not to make myself sound great, but to hopefully encourage others.

I'm not sure this journey is completely over yet. I'm not sure it ever will be. Life on earth is filled with things that don't make sense, that don't seem fair, that cuse us to question. But, I know for next time, that when my world is shaken, there is only one safe place to turn . . . the arms of Jesus Christ. I may have questions. I may have doubts. But I can know that He will always be there. He may not give me the answers I want to all my questions, but He won't leave me to walk through it alone.

the Christian atheist?

I just finished reading a book by the title of The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel. The title of the book seemed like a bit of an impossibility to me when I first saw it, but once I read Groeschel's definition of a Christian Atheist and really began to dig into the book, I realized how true that seemingly impossible phrase is.

Usually when we hear the word atheist it is used in reference to someone who doesn't believe in God. Based on that definition, the idea of a Christian Atheist seems a little bit absurd. Groeschel defines a Christian Atheist as someone who believes in God (a head knowledge of God) but lives as if He doesn't exist (God has no impact on daily living for that person). That's something I can say has been true of me at times, and I would guess that many others would also say the same thing about theirs lives. It is actually quite easy to believe in God and yet live as if He doesn't exist. Each chapter in the book talks about a different way we can live like God doesn't exist while still saying we believe in Him, and probably even going to church, Bible study, etc every week.

Christian Atheists believe in God but don't really know Him.
Christian Atheists believe in God but they are ashamed of their past.
Christian Atheists believe in God but they aren't sure God loves them.
Christian Atheists believe in God  but not in prayer.
Christian Atheists believe in God but don't think He's fair.
Christian Atheists believe in God but won't forgive others.
Christian Atheists believe in God but don't think they can change.
Christian Atheists believe in God but still worry all the time.
Christian Atheists believe in God but pursue happiness at any cost.
Christian Atheists believe in God but trust more in money.
Christian Atheists believe in God but don't share their faith.
Christian Atheists believe in God but not in His church.

I don't know about you but when I read that list I can definitely identify with most of them - some more than others. After I read the chapter titles I was rather unsure of what I would find in the book. It would be easy with chapter titles like that for the book to be one that leaves you feeling alone and defeated. But, instead, I found that Groeschel was incredibly encouraging in what he had to say in each chapter. This was a book that spoke of a personal journey for him. That was definitely encouraging to me - to be reminded that these struggles are common to the family of followers of Jesus.

Groeschel ended the book talking about something he called "third line faith". He lays out a picture of three lines drawn in the sand, representing different places we could be on journey with God. Groeschel describes each line better than I could, so I'll quote him here.

Line 1: I believe in God and the gospel of Christ enough to benefit from it. Like so many others, crossing that first line was easy. Sadly, many who call themselves Christians live here. If there is a God, I want to be on his good side. I want to go to heaven. I want him to bless me with good health, good relationships, and a happy life. Like the nine ungrateful lepers in Luke 17, once God helped me, I forgot about him. (pg. 236).
Line 2: I believe in God and Christ's gospel enough to contribute comfortably. Past the first line are people who believe in God not only enough to benefit but also enough to give back - as long as it doesn't cost too much. Many first-line Christians eventually cross the second line. If I don't have to change too much, I'll do some of what God asks. If it doesn't hurt too much, I'll get more serious about God. But everyone has their limits, right? (pg. 236-237).
Line 3: I believe in God and Christ's gospel enough to give my life to it. (pg. 237).

Reading this made sense to me, and challenged me deeply. It really fit in well with the rest of the book for me. I think to close, I will just leave you with the questions that have been in my head since I finished the book - questions that I need to think about and go to God about. Hopefully, they will challenge you to grow in your own journey with God. (And if you're looking for a good read, pick up the book.)

In what areas of my life am I a Christian Atheist? Are there places in my life where I live as though God doesn't exist?
Do I really know God? How can I get to know God better?
Am I ashamed of my past? Will I allow God to redeem my past and use it for His glory?
Do I know that God loves me unconditionally? Am I willing to ask God to help me understand that better?
Do I believe in prayer? Or is it something I think only works for other people?
Do I think that God is unfair? How do deal with things when what has happened in life really doesn't seem fair?
Am I struggling to forgive someone?
Do I doubt that I can change?
Do I still worry all the time? Am I willing to give that up to God?
Am I pursuing happiness at any cost? Or am I pursuing God at any cost?
Am I trusting more in money? Or in God?
Am I sharing my faith?
Am I third-line follower of Christ? Do I want to be? Why?

the unmatchable greateness of God

I was reading in Isaiah when I was struck by just how incredible the God we serve is. God is bigger than we could ever imagine. And there is nothing and no one in all creation that can be compared to Him.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,

or weighed the mountains on the scales

and the hills in a balance?

Who has understood the mind of the Lord,

or instructed him as his counselor?

Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?

Who was it that taught him knowledge

or showed him the path of understanding?

Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;

they are regarded as dust on the scales;

he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

. . .

To whom, then, shall we compare God?

What image will you compare him to?

. . .

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

Has it not been told to you from the beginning?

Have you not understood since the earth was founded?

He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,

and its people are like grasshoppers.

He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,

and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

. . .

"To whom will you compare me?

Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:

who created all these?

He brings out the starry host one by one,

and calls them each by name.

Because of his great power and mighty strength,

not one of them is missing.

Isaiah 40:12-15, 18, 21-22, 25-26 (NIV)

As I been thinking about these verses and the God they describe, I have come to realize how often I try to make God smaller so that I can understand Him better. These verses in Isaiah describe a big God - a God that cannot be compared to anyone or anything - a God that is difficult to fully comprehend.

We spend much of our lives a followers of Christ trying to understand God. There is nothing wrong with this, but we do have the danger that in doing so we actually make God smaller than He is just so that we can feel like we understand Him better. But theses verses and many others describe a God that we will never be able to fully understand.

It is okay that don't completely understand God. In fact, I would say that it is a good thing that we do not completely understand Him. The mystery that comes from God being so much bigger than our minds can comprehend draws us in closer as we seek to better understand.

I think that sometimes we need to just stop and remind ourselves of the fact that we do not completely comprehend God and that it is a good thing. That way we can take comfort in what God has revealed to us about Himself and look forward to continuing to understand God better over the course of our journey through life with Him.