I've never been someone to write about singleness or relationships, but with a week until the last Valentine's Day before I turn 30, I've been thinking about singleness a lot. (And that has resulted in what it becoming a series on singleness... don't worry, if you're getting sick of these this is the last one for a while.)
Valentine's Day . . .
I've had 28 of them so far. Only had a date for one of them. And unless something changes in a very short time, the one coming up will be spent without a date.
Some years, I've dreaded Valentine's Days. Some years, the day has passed without me thinking too much about it. I don't know if there's ever been a year I've looked forward to it.
In Bible college, those of us who were without a significant other on Valentine's Day had another name for the day . . . Single's Awareness Day. It was the one day of the year where, as you walked around campus, it was glaringly obvious who was single and who was not. Both the dorm and the library would be quieter than usual that night as anyone in a relationship was doing something for a date that night.
Some years, I've gotten together with other single girls for dinner, chocolate, games, etc. Something to do to not spend the evening at home alone. Those years have often been fun, but they've never completely removed the sting of not having someone special on that day.
My Mom always does her best to make that day a little special. Whether it's a card, or chocolate, or both. I've always appreciated that.
So, as I sit here and reflect on 28, soon to be 29, Valentine's Days in my life, all but one spent without a date, I wonder what it would be like not to be single on this day. Somehow I think Valentine's Day would be different than it was with my high school crush. And I find myself wondering if I'll ever know.
But I also find comfort in knowing that even if one day I do have someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with, it doesn't have to be the most important of all days. We make a big deal out this day because the calendar and the gift shops tell us to. But if it's not part of something everyday, I wonder if the money spent, the flowers, cards, and chocolates given, and the dinners out really have true meaning. It's easy for one day, but true love goes the distance.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Singles in the Church
My last post was being single and what helps and what doesn't help from a relationship standpoint. Today, I want to get more specific in talking about what it's like to be single in the church.
It's one of those things were we do some things well and some things not very well when it comes to how we treat singles in our churches. I say "we" because I and other singles are as much a part of the church as those who are married.
As a single adult, I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to go to church on the weekend or to other church things sometimes. I don't always look forward to sitting by myself. And, unless someone I already know is there, that is usually the reality - at least until one of my friends shows up, or maybe for the whole time. Sometimes it would be nice to walk into a room knowing I have someone to sit with.
But, even in those moments, I'm glad to see families together. In a society where family has taken a beating, it's a good thing to see families together and to be in a place that values families and wants them to thrive.
As we value families, we must also not forget the singles in our midst. Singles can be any age, so they can't all be lumped together into one ministry. And we must never completely segregate everything by marital status. As single people, we need friends who are married too, not just other singles.
Our worlds are too small if we only spend time with people just like us - whether we're married or single.
When I, as a single person, volunteer for things at church, I may choose to take on more than someone with a spouse and kids at home would. That's because I have the time. There's no one at home waiting for me to get home that day.
But just because I have more time, doesn't mean I'll say yes to anything and everything I'm asked to do. There are some things I just don't feel like I should be doing. I need some time for other things too. And I still have extended family that gets some of my time.
It's all about finding the balance that works. For a single person that will be different than for a married person. But it's still about balance and what God calls us and gifts us to do.
I know Scripture says a lot about the importance and value of marriage. But that doesn't mean single people have less value in the family of God. And it doesn't mean single people look at married people with jealousy because married people have something the single people want.
The reality is, Scripture is full of examples of people God used to build His church - both single people and married people. Because in God's eyes, it's not marital status that defines us. In God's eyes we're all His children and we're al forgiven because of Jesus' work on the cross.
It we really are the family of God, living out the Gospel message and being the agents of redemption God calls us to be, then our marital status shouldn't be the focus. Tranformed lives and learning to live the way Jesus tells us too as the family of God should be.
It's one of those things were we do some things well and some things not very well when it comes to how we treat singles in our churches. I say "we" because I and other singles are as much a part of the church as those who are married.
As a single adult, I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to go to church on the weekend or to other church things sometimes. I don't always look forward to sitting by myself. And, unless someone I already know is there, that is usually the reality - at least until one of my friends shows up, or maybe for the whole time. Sometimes it would be nice to walk into a room knowing I have someone to sit with.
But, even in those moments, I'm glad to see families together. In a society where family has taken a beating, it's a good thing to see families together and to be in a place that values families and wants them to thrive.
As we value families, we must also not forget the singles in our midst. Singles can be any age, so they can't all be lumped together into one ministry. And we must never completely segregate everything by marital status. As single people, we need friends who are married too, not just other singles.
Our worlds are too small if we only spend time with people just like us - whether we're married or single.
When I, as a single person, volunteer for things at church, I may choose to take on more than someone with a spouse and kids at home would. That's because I have the time. There's no one at home waiting for me to get home that day.
But just because I have more time, doesn't mean I'll say yes to anything and everything I'm asked to do. There are some things I just don't feel like I should be doing. I need some time for other things too. And I still have extended family that gets some of my time.
It's all about finding the balance that works. For a single person that will be different than for a married person. But it's still about balance and what God calls us and gifts us to do.
I know Scripture says a lot about the importance and value of marriage. But that doesn't mean single people have less value in the family of God. And it doesn't mean single people look at married people with jealousy because married people have something the single people want.
The reality is, Scripture is full of examples of people God used to build His church - both single people and married people. Because in God's eyes, it's not marital status that defines us. In God's eyes we're all His children and we're al forgiven because of Jesus' work on the cross.
It we really are the family of God, living out the Gospel message and being the agents of redemption God calls us to be, then our marital status shouldn't be the focus. Tranformed lives and learning to live the way Jesus tells us too as the family of God should be.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Yes, I'm Single
I've struggled with whether to write this for a while. I've wrestled with my own thoughts and feelings about this topic. And I wasn't sure I wanted to put this out there for all the world to see. What I'm going to say might upset you. It might even offend you.
I hope that doesn't happen. But I'm not apologizing if it does, because I think things like this need to be said sometimes. No matter what, I hope you'll read this all the way through and give what I have to say some thought. And that you'll share your thoughts on this all with me.
One last disclaimer before I go ahead: I'm not saying everyone does this. I'm not even saying most of them do. But this is something that come up in my life and in conversations on a number of occasions.
So, here goes...
My singleness is not a problem to be fixed.
And it doesn't make me strange or weird.
Just like you, I want to belong. I want to be included.
I want to be missed when I'm not there. And I want to know you well enough to miss you when you're not there.
I'm quite aware that I'm still single and that I'll be 30 years old in three months. The life I have is good, but it's not exactly what I expected it would be. Growing up, I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would have kids by now. But I don't and I don't need you to point it out every time you see me.
Honestly, if I want your advice on something I could do differently, I'll ask. Don't give it to me if I haven't asked. Chances are I've already tried what you have to say I should or shouldn't do.
The story about how your best friend's cousin's daughter found her husband . . . I don't want to hear it. I don't know her. I'm sure it's a great story, but that doesn't mean I should do the same things. Or that they'll guarantee I get married too.
Yes, I would like to get married one day. And I'm doing what I can to meet guys I could potentially marry. Bu there is only so much I can do, because it requires another person.
Those times when I tell you that sometimes I hate going home to an empty house after work everyday, aren't the times for you to tell me about how lucky I am. That I'm lucky I don't have a husband or kids needing my attention and leaving messes everywhere. In those moments when I don't want to go home to an empty house, I'd give anything for that.
And, no matter what, don't quote the verse in Isaiah that says "your husband is your Maker." What does that mean anyway?
Besides, sometime the physical presence of another person is what we need, or what we want. I know God is always with me, but sometimes in my human-ness, I want more. I want a person.
Okay, I hope you're still reading and I haven't completely offended you. I've told you what I don't want, but if I just leave it there, it's not really a helpful conversation. But there are simple things you and I can both do to help each other.
The first thing we both need to be doing is listening to each other without trying to solve problems the other person hasn't asked us to help solve. I will listen to you talk about the good times and the hard times in your life. I ask that you do the same for me. Sometimes we just need to tell someone what's going on in our lives and how we feel. We just need to know someone cares enough to listen. And sometimes after we know the other person has listened, then we might ask for their help.
Second, invite me to group things, even if I'll be the only single person there. If it's a group of people, I'm not going to feel out of place. I'm not asking you to give up time with your spouse or with other couples. I'm asking that you don't forget me every time you plan something.
Your kids won't keep me away either. I get that they are an important part of your life. Heck, I'll even play with your kids sometimes. Just because I don't have kids of my own, doesn't mean I'm uncomfortable around them.
You don't have to do all the inviting. I'll invite you to things too. And I'll be flexible so it works with your spouse and your kids and what is going in the life of your family.
Finally, if you know a single guy you think I should get to know, ask me if I'd be willing to meet him. Sometimes I will be. Sometimes I won't. I'll be honest when you ask. But, generally, the way I see it, it never hurts to allow a friend to help if they can. As long as this is coming out of a friendship with you and it's not the only thing we ever talk about, I'll probably appreciate it.
The honest truth if while my life looks very different from yours from the outside, it's not that different when you get past the externals. I'm a Christian learning to follow God better everyday. I have struggles, fears, and insecurities. I have joy and triumphs. The same as you do. They may not be exactly the same as yours, but we all have them. And we can learn from each other anyways.
Well, that's it. If you've made it to the end of this, I want to thank you for sticking with it. I hope that you aren't offended by anything I wrote. But I also hope you were left with something to think about - whether married or single.
I'd love the hear your thoughts on this.
I hope that doesn't happen. But I'm not apologizing if it does, because I think things like this need to be said sometimes. No matter what, I hope you'll read this all the way through and give what I have to say some thought. And that you'll share your thoughts on this all with me.
One last disclaimer before I go ahead: I'm not saying everyone does this. I'm not even saying most of them do. But this is something that come up in my life and in conversations on a number of occasions.
So, here goes...
My singleness is not a problem to be fixed.
And it doesn't make me strange or weird.
Just like you, I want to belong. I want to be included.
I want to be missed when I'm not there. And I want to know you well enough to miss you when you're not there.
I'm quite aware that I'm still single and that I'll be 30 years old in three months. The life I have is good, but it's not exactly what I expected it would be. Growing up, I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would have kids by now. But I don't and I don't need you to point it out every time you see me.
Honestly, if I want your advice on something I could do differently, I'll ask. Don't give it to me if I haven't asked. Chances are I've already tried what you have to say I should or shouldn't do.
The story about how your best friend's cousin's daughter found her husband . . . I don't want to hear it. I don't know her. I'm sure it's a great story, but that doesn't mean I should do the same things. Or that they'll guarantee I get married too.
Yes, I would like to get married one day. And I'm doing what I can to meet guys I could potentially marry. Bu there is only so much I can do, because it requires another person.
Those times when I tell you that sometimes I hate going home to an empty house after work everyday, aren't the times for you to tell me about how lucky I am. That I'm lucky I don't have a husband or kids needing my attention and leaving messes everywhere. In those moments when I don't want to go home to an empty house, I'd give anything for that.
And, no matter what, don't quote the verse in Isaiah that says "your husband is your Maker." What does that mean anyway?
Besides, sometime the physical presence of another person is what we need, or what we want. I know God is always with me, but sometimes in my human-ness, I want more. I want a person.
Okay, I hope you're still reading and I haven't completely offended you. I've told you what I don't want, but if I just leave it there, it's not really a helpful conversation. But there are simple things you and I can both do to help each other.
The first thing we both need to be doing is listening to each other without trying to solve problems the other person hasn't asked us to help solve. I will listen to you talk about the good times and the hard times in your life. I ask that you do the same for me. Sometimes we just need to tell someone what's going on in our lives and how we feel. We just need to know someone cares enough to listen. And sometimes after we know the other person has listened, then we might ask for their help.
Second, invite me to group things, even if I'll be the only single person there. If it's a group of people, I'm not going to feel out of place. I'm not asking you to give up time with your spouse or with other couples. I'm asking that you don't forget me every time you plan something.
Your kids won't keep me away either. I get that they are an important part of your life. Heck, I'll even play with your kids sometimes. Just because I don't have kids of my own, doesn't mean I'm uncomfortable around them.
You don't have to do all the inviting. I'll invite you to things too. And I'll be flexible so it works with your spouse and your kids and what is going in the life of your family.
Finally, if you know a single guy you think I should get to know, ask me if I'd be willing to meet him. Sometimes I will be. Sometimes I won't. I'll be honest when you ask. But, generally, the way I see it, it never hurts to allow a friend to help if they can. As long as this is coming out of a friendship with you and it's not the only thing we ever talk about, I'll probably appreciate it.
The honest truth if while my life looks very different from yours from the outside, it's not that different when you get past the externals. I'm a Christian learning to follow God better everyday. I have struggles, fears, and insecurities. I have joy and triumphs. The same as you do. They may not be exactly the same as yours, but we all have them. And we can learn from each other anyways.
Well, that's it. If you've made it to the end of this, I want to thank you for sticking with it. I hope that you aren't offended by anything I wrote. But I also hope you were left with something to think about - whether married or single.
I'd love the hear your thoughts on this.
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