Learning to Trust Again

Another conversation.

Another rejection.

Another hurt.

I walked away already beginning to build my wall of protection.

"I'll never trust anyone with the truth about my life again."

That's how I would protect myself. That's how I was going to make sure it never happened again.

And that's what I did. For a long time after I told myself I would never trust again, I didn't.

And even when I began to trust people again . . . it didn't come easy. You had to prove to me that I could trust you.

It's almost like I threw some bit of truth about me at you. And then watched to see if you would catch it and what you did with it when you did.

If you caught it and handled it well according to me, then there would be more chances for the same thing to happen.

But if you didn't catch it, or if you didn't do what I expected with it, I wasn't going to trust you with anything again.

I thought it was the way to avoid being hurt again. I thought I was protecting myself.

The truth is . . . I was isolating myself. The longer I lived like this, the higher and thicker the wall I was building became. Only the wall was no longer doing what I thought it would do.

It wasn't protecting me.

It was isolating me. And I was getting lonely.

Something needed to change, but I didn't know how to do it anymore. This was how I'd lived for so long I wasn't sure I knew anything else.

But, then a weekend came. A weekend where God showed me how to trust again. How to let people have a look at what was actually behind that wall. And see the broken mess I really am, instead of the perfect looking place I'd created in front of the wall for others to see.

I still don't have this trust thing perfect. It's scary. I don't want to be hurt again.

That wall I've built is crumbling. It's starting to come down. It's taking time. I've built it so high and so thick. The wall has become a part of me. It doesn't come down easily.

But slowly, surely, God is taking down those bricks. Sometimes they come down one at a time. Sometimes it's like things just explode and whole sections of the wall disappear at once.

It's about freedom. Freedom to be real. Freedom to be honest. Free to be all sort of things I've written about before, but I'm beginning to realize I didn't fully understand, because I wasn't living them.

Freedom.

Trust.

They seem to go together. You can't trust without freedom, and you don't have freedom if you don't trust. It's hard, but worth it. Life will never be fulfilling any other way.

Rain

I walked carefully along the muddy trail. It had been raining recently and the ground showed evidence of that. But the sun was shining now. As I walked I listened to the birds chirping and the wind rustling the trees.

Alone with God in nature. That's when He often speaks to me. This time was no different.

As I looked carefully for where my next step would land, God began to speak.

The rain renews all that I have created. The trees and grass and flowers all need moisture to grow. But, the rain can leave a mess sometimes. It takes time for the ground to soak up all the rain.

Your heart is like that too. It needs my rain to come and make things grow. To come and make things beautiful. But when my rain comes to your heart, sometimes it makes a mess before you soak it all up.

I wasn't quite sure where this all was going at that moment. I kept thinking about it as I walked on.

The further I walked the less muddy the path was. Eventually it become quite hard and dry. God spoke again.

When the ground is hard and dry, things can't grow. The rain comes and softens the ground so that things have room to grow.

Your heart is like that too. Over time it can become hard and dry. Then nothing grows. When I send my rain, it softens your heart so I can make things grow. The rain might leave a mess for a time when it comes, but it is what allows Me to work in your life.

Long after I finished my walk, I was still thinking about what God had said to me.

You see, I'm someone who usually tries to avoid anything in my life that could be seen as rain on my heart. It doesn't often seem to be pleasant. It's often hard.

But, those are times when God works. Those are times when God brings healing . . . grace and mercy. We need the rain. Even if it leaves a mess for a time. Without it, our hearts become dry and hard and nothing grows.

God, I'm Listening

I listening for Your voice

I want to hear from You

Sometimes it seems so hard

To hear Your still small voice

Over noise all around me

I want to hear You better

To recognize Your voice always

Teach me, God, to listen

To pay attention, look for You

 

I'm listening for Your voice

I want to hear from You

You speak so many different ways

I don't want to miss them

Your Word - the pages come alive

Creation - the beauty of all You made

The imprints on my heart and mind

Teach me, God, to listen

To pay attention, look for You

 

I'm listening for Your voice

I want o hear from You

Sometimes the words of others

Make your message clearly known

The still small voice that guides me

As I walk each day

Your voice still speaks so clearly

Teach me, God, to listen

To pay attention, look for You