Why it's Scary to Admit to Anxiety?

I've been thinking a lot about the post I wrote last week and why it was really so terrifying to hit publish. What makes it so hard to let people know that I deal with this on a daily basis? Why was I hesitant to share in that way?

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it really does come down to the way it is seen by some people . . . and, unfortunately, especially the way it's seen by some people in the church. We talk often about the stigma associated with mental illness in our society, and our need to remove it. We've made great strides in this - both inside and outside of the church.

But, there have definitely been times when it has been easier to let the stranger in the grocery store or the coffee shop know what was going on when I'm struggling with anxiety when I'm out, then it has been to let someone at church know. This reality saddens me. The place where it should be easiest to admit my struggle is often actually the most difficult.

So, why is this the case? What is going on here?

I'm going to say that most of the challenge comes from the multiple meanings of the word anxiety. It's a word that is used to mean anything from the worries of everyday life to crippling fear and worry that interferes with the ability to live a "normal life." Most of the people I've talked to about this in the church understand the first definition, but they miss the other possible definition.

When someone is talking about the worries of everyday life, then it is perfectly reasonable to talk to them about praying and giving them over to God - about how Scripture tells us not to worry about tomorrow - and leave it at that. Scripture's prescription for this kind of anxiety is abundantly clear.

But, when it's a life-altering level of anxiety? When it's anxiety that interferes with the ability to live and do the things everyone else does?

Absolutely, the truth of Scripture still applies. But, when we stop there, we leave those who live with this type of anxiety feeling less than, or like their problem isn't seen as being real. It can make you feel like less of a Christian because the "solution" that people are giving doesn't work for you.

I don't want to discount the truth of Scripture, or the role that doing what Philippians 4:6-7 says plays in my ability to manage my anxiety. The truth of Scripture is powerful to change thinking and I don't want to minimize it.

But, when I'm struggling with my anxiety in the moment, I don't need Scripture basically just thrown at me as the solution to my problem. It's not actually going to help. 

I also don't want to make it sound like the church always gets this wrong. Many in the church handle this well. They truly care and support and try to understand. I get that it's hard to understand what it's like and I might not always be able to explain it well. But, I'm appreciative of those who try.

So, how do we fix this?

1) Don't assume you know what someone means when they say they're struggling with anxiety. Ask questions to get a better understanding of what they mean.

2) Don't rush to offer you solution to their problem. Even when you feel like you have a suggestion that might help, offering it right away will actually be counter-productive.

3) Listen to what they're saying and care about what's going on. A listening ear makes a big difference. Often just being there makes all the difference.

No Idea What to Call This

As I stood to the side and looked out over the busy room - the church gym transformed into a place for a women's conference - I was reminded of a conversation I had a little less than 15 years ago. A conversation where I was told that I likely wouldn't be able to do what I was doing that weekend. Attending a women's conference with more than 170 women at it was not supposed to be something I could manage, let alone also helping to put the event on.

You see, I was told I had Social Anxiety Disorder in that conversation. As I've chosen to talk about this more in the last few years, I've discovered that many people don't know what this is, don't understand what I mean when I say that.

There's a lot of good information out there about it, but it doesn't seem to be very widely understood. For the sake of clarity and simplicity, I'm going to share the definition of it from the Social Anxiety Association:

"Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interactions with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life." 

It is the third most common mental health issue in the world today. And 7% of the population (including in the church) is dealing with it at any moment, and 13% will at some point in their lives.

Now that we've established some basic facts, on to my purpose in writing this post . . .

I'm incredibly appreciative of the friends I have who have learned what this looks like for me and how they can support when I'm in settings like this women's conference. They're a large part of what makes it possible for me to be a part of them. Even though these types of events are exhausting for me, I'm grateful I can be a part of them.

As I speak up more about this battle in my life, I frequently realize how little about it is understood by so many in the church. Despite the facts about its prevalence that I share above anxiety disorders often seem to be misunderstood in Christian circles.

I think a lot of the misunderstanding comes from the word anxiety having multiple meanings in how we use it and we're not always clear on the differences. Everyone has moments when they feel anxiety over something. The difference is that, for most people most of the time, it doesn't interfere with their ability to do things. They're not so paralyzed by it they can't move on from it.

I can't even begin to count the number of times well-meaning people have quoted Philippians 4:6-7 or 1 Peter 5:7, or any other myriad of Scriptures when they find out I struggle with anxiety. Don't get me wrong, those verses contain great truth. Truth I cling to when my mind is going crazy. Truth that does help me to calm my mind sometimes. They remind me of what I need to be doing, and they're a part of how I function everyday.

There is a spiritual aspect to all of this and it absolutely must be dealt with if I'm going to be able to live a full life. But, for me, and for others who also live with this, it goes beyond that. The physical and mental part of this is just as important to deal with as the spiritual part. Whether it be medication or counselling or some combination of that, we cannot ignore that this is a part of dealing with this in our lives.

I guess I'm writing this to try to explain some realities, but as I put this out there, I'm also realizing that it doesn't do much good if I don't get to something practical.


So, what can or should you do when someone you know is battling an anxiety disorder?

1) Ask them what they need from you in social settings that make their battle more difficult. 

They likely know what others can do that helps, but they're not going to ask, because that opens them up to being negatively judged, which is part of their anxiety. When you offer, you're letting them know you're not negatively judging them.

2) Be patient - even when it's awkward.

Maybe, especially when it's awkward.

Sometimes I'll be managing okay in a situation, until I'm not. I can't predict when that will happen and I often can't see it coming until I'm at the point where I can't manage anymore. I know it's awkward when that happens. It's why I go through seasons where I just avoid everything. But, avoiding everything doesn't help, it makes it worse. When I have people around me who are patient when my anxiety makes things awkward, it makes it easier for me to manage the next thing.

So, be patient. Stay with them. Let them know, that's not enough to make you leave.

3) Don't be afraid to lovingly, gently speak the truth.

When my anxiety gets going, I know my thought patterns are ridiculous and full of lies, but I often can't stop them myself. That's when I need people in my life who will gently and lovingly remind me of the truth.

Don't yell it. Don't try to argue me into believing it. But keep speaking it. And remind me that I need to speak it out loud too. Eventually it will get through and help.

4) Don't decide that this struggle means they can't be there for you.

Just because we have a struggle in this area of our lives doesn't mean we're not capable of supporting you in whatever you're going through. We all need friendships where the love and support goes both ways. Let us be there for you when you have a need, the same way you're there for us when we have a need.


Obviously, every person is different, so every person's battle with anxiety is different, but I think these suggestions are general enough for everyone. That's why I started with asking the person what would help them.

I know these things make a difference, because I have friends who do these things all the time. Ultimately, it's God Who makes it possible for me to be part of a team to put on a women's conference. But, He often chooses to use those around me to be the way He does that. I'm incredibly grateful for the community I have.

Coming Alongside What God is Already Doing

I've been thinking about what I would write for this post all day. I've started and not finished a few posts the last few days. Usually I try to write things ahead of time, but that just didn't seem to be happening this time. So, I've been wondering what my post for this week, for today, would look like. 

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be available to God for Him to use for His purposes. What it looks like for us to let God use us.

I often read Scripture - especially in Acts - and see the things God did through the people of the early church and wonder why it seems so far from my own experience. Acts is full of stories of the way that God was changing people's lives.

What is it that was different about them? Why do those stories sometimes seem so far from my own experience?

If God did all those things in Acts, then He can still do them today. So, why do they not seem to happen now - except in mostly far-off places?

I know those things do still happen. There are stories of this . . . and not all in far-ff places. It happens where I am too. But, I know I often miss them, or I hear the stories of them without seeing anything like them in my own life.

As I've reflected on this the last few months, I've started to wonder if the reason we feel like this is missing is because we're too busy to see the opportunities and be available. We're too busy to be stopped by the person we see on the street, or in the grocery store. 

Or maybe our hearts have become hard to what we see. We no longer see the people, we just see the problem that we don't want to get involved with.

We can easily come up with a ton of excuses why we're not the one to be used in that situation, with that person. But, as I was reminded tonight by a speaker I was listening to, when God is involved He removes all our excuses.

If we're going to see God do those amazing things we read of in Scripture, we have to have hearts that are soft enough to see people. We have to be willing to have our plans interrupted. So we can join in what God is up to. Not for the stories we can tell, but so we can be available to be used in what God was up to already.

For the last few months I've been praying differently. Rather than praying for God to do something big, I've been praying that He would give me the ability to see what He is already up to and how I can join in that moment. It's a prayer of being willing to be interrupted in my plans for the day, to have a heart that is soft enough to break for what I see as I go about my day. 

I don't have any stories of spectacular things God has done. But, I do know that something has been different in how I go through my day, in how I see the people that come across my path. I may not know what happens as a result of my obedience, but that's not even what this is about.

As I was reminded again tonight, it's about being available to come alongside what God is already doing. And, I think that begins with prayer. It starts with us asking God to interrupt our days and soften our hearts. And then we respond to what we see.