Our Need for Real Friendship

I've been reading in 1 Samuel recently. There are a couple of chapters that I think show us a vitally important part of life for all of us. 1 Samuel 19 & 20 reveal the depth of friendship that David and Jonathan had.

These chapters take place at a time when David's life is threatened by King Saul, Jonathan's father. At the start of these two chapters David is still present in Saul's service, by they end with David running for his life. Throughout David and Jonathan's interactions, you see the depth of their friendship.

At first, Jonathan didn't want to believe that his father wanted to kill David, so he set out to find out the truth for both of them. When Jonathan did learn that his father really did want to kill David, he said his tearful good-bye to David and sent him away. The tears that both David and Jonathan cried revealed how much they cared for each other. They didn't know when or if they would see each other again when they said this good-bye.

When I look at David and Jonathan's friendship, I see something that I think we need more of in our lives today. We're constantly connected through our phones and social media, but we've lost the real connection with people that we need. We're lonely despite this seeming constant connection.

I think what we're missing is the depth of friendship that we see in David and Jonathan. Most, if not all of our connections, are only at a surface level. We manage what others see, but that keeps everyone at a distance.

I think Brene Brown explains the issue well in her book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.

"We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected. Maybe we've been pushed to the outside of a group that we value, or maybe we're lacking a sense of belonging. At the hear of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction."

We need people in our lives who we care about and who care about us. And to care about one another we have to allow people past our carefully managed social media personas. We have to be willing to be vulnerable and let people in.

To Quote Brene Brown again:

"To combat loneliness, we must first learn to identify it and to have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign. Our response to that warning sign should be to find connection."

And we're only going to have those people to find connection with if we do the work of finding people we can learn to trust. We need friends like David and Jonathan were for each other. Friends we have fun and laugh with. And friends we can cry with and share the hard parts of life as well.

How are you doing at developing real connections with people? The kind of connections that combat loneliness?

What the Church Does Well

As I've looked over my last few posts, I've realized that I've spent a lot of time talking about where we have issues and challenges we need to address in the church. These are things I'm passionate about and it's easy to write about them. But, I'm also passionate about what the church does well and I want to point out the good I see as well.

I think it's especially important that what is done well is acknowledged, especially when it comes to how the church works with singles who are a part of their community. When things are challenging, we can miss the good because we're so focused on the other.

My perspective on this one may be more limited than on some other things. I write based on my own experiences, and in this case I've only ever been a part of two churches in my life. And one of those churches was while I was away at Bible college. Outside of my experience, it's based on what I've gleaned from conversations with singles at other churches.

Probably the thing I appreciate most is that everything is not segregated along the lines of married and single. Of course there are things that happen that are specific to marriages. But, everything else is open to everyone and all are welcome regardless of their marital status. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but I do know that it could often be easier to draw those lines and remove some challenges.

I also appreciate the people in the church who seek to understand and to make everyone feel welcome. I've had enough experiences of feeling like the odd one out, that I truely appreciate those who make everyone feel welcome. At so many events at the church, it can feel awkward to take a seat at a table as a single person because that means unless another person who has come alone (whether single or married) sits at that same table, you've given the table an odd number of people. I appreciate the people who invite me to join their table at something and don't make a big deal out of things.

Our Responses to the Longings Someone Expresses

Have you shared a longing for something with someone?

How did they respond? Did they acknowledge that longing? Or did they tell you the longing was a problem?

I'm not talking about something sinful, or a longing that is an idol. I'm talking about a longing, a desire, for something created by God as good and given to us as a gift. We can desire good things from God, things that are honouring to Him, yet the responses we receive when we express those things to others can leave us feeling like we're desiring something sinful.

When I answer the questions I opened this post with I'm thinking specifically about a desire to be married one day. But, in many situations, I've learned this is a dangerous longing to express based on some of the responses I've received. Most were likely well-intentioned responses, but they were hurtful anyways. Some were just plain theologically dangerous.

I finished a book recently that spoke to a lot of these sorts of things. The author worded the dilemma here much better than I can:

"If we can't even give voice to our God-honoring desires, how on earth can we pursue them in a healthy, honest way? We have to make space for this kind of dialogue in the church. We have to allow room for longing, for confession, for intimacy." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One: Truth, Longing, and Subtle Art of Singleness")

I actually wonder if it's our (the church as a whole) uncomfortableness with the entire topic of singleness that causes us to respond in hurtful ways without intending to do so. This is thinking that we've all bought into - both married and single people. But, I also believe we can change that.

"Part of reworking the narrative comes in refusing to believe that a person is at fault for her own singleness. This is one of the underlying assumptions in the flawed thinking we currently accept without question. Even as single people we've digested this and believe it to be true." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One")

Think for a moment about some of the responses we give when someone tells us about a desire they have marriage. Or, if you're single, maybe some of the responses you've received when you express a desire for marriage.

1. God will bring someone when you're ready.
2. Stop looking and God will bring someone.
3. If you desire it that much, then you must be making it an idol.

All of these responses do a couple of things. They make it out to be a problem the person desiring marriage has that is keeping them from getting married. They also imply that marriage is a promise for everyone and that we just have to get everything on our end in order to receive it.

Whether we mean them that way or not, they are hurtful responses. And they're simply not true.

This means we need to change the way we respond here.

What if we responded with empathy for the unmet desire?

What if we acknowledged that it must be hard rather than trying to offer advice?

As I close, I'm going to share one more quote from Joy Beth Smith's book, "Party of One: Truth, Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness."

"Honestly, it's crushing to live under the constant weight of unmet desires. It's hard to long for something you have little to no control over actually obtaining." (Joy Beth Smith)

These words are true and they need to be something we hold in mind as we listen to people talk about their unmet desires. I believe it would change the way we respond to one another in these conversations.