Why I Tore up my "True Love Waits" Pledge Card

The "True Love Waits" pledge card . . . signed in January 1998 at a youth group evening is now in 15-20 pieces on the table beside me. I found it tucked in the front of the Bible I used when I was in high school. As I pulled it out, I decided it was time to tear it up.

Not because I'm walking away from what the Bible says about sex and purity.

Not because I don't believe in waiting for marriage.

I actually tore it up precisely because I want live according to God's Word on this. And, while the intentions behind the "purity culture" of my youth were good, I don't believe it was actually about living according to God's teaching anyways.

For some, this might seem strange. But, probably not to many of you who grew up in church youth groups in the 1990s. There was a strong movement that, on the surface, seemed to be about biblical principles for sex and purity. This included signing pledge cards that we would wait for marriage and, for girls, wearing rings that said "true love waits" on the ring finger of your left hand.

Much has been written in recent years about this and what the results of growing up in this "purity culture" have been. And my experiences with it and my own study of Scripture are exactly what led me to tear up this card when I found it.

I tore it up because I no longer see it as being a commitment to live God's way in this area of life. It may have started with Scripture, but so much was added to it that it became just rules and legalism, with sometimes implied and sometimes spoken guarantees for following through that don't actually occur anywhere in Scripture. It's caused a lot of harm to a lot of people and I no longer want to be a part of that.

For some, it may sound strange that it's taken just over 20 years for me to see this. The truth is, until the last 4 or 5 years, I didn't even look at my beliefs in this area of life. I just accepted what I had been taught in church growing up. It was only when I began getting involved with another ministry at my church that spoke to this topic that I first began to question some of what I'd been taught. As I looked again at the Scriptures used and compared what I was hearing and reading in them now with what I'd been taught growing up, I noticed some things I could no longer ignore.

All the teaching I'd heard growing up had definitely started with Scripture. The starting place was good and right. The problem came in what was placed on top of these scriptural truths. The things we were subsequently taught about how to live a life of sexual purity. This is where man-made ideas were taught as being on par with Scripture - as the way we should live.

As I began to realize I'd bought into these lies, I had to begin the process of untangling what was truth from Scripture from what was man-made additions to Scripture. This was a more complicated process than I imagined. I had to acknowledge where my beliefs were wrong and find what Scripture said. And I had to come face-to-face with the fact that people I had trusted and loved had been part of teaching these beliefs. Although I still believe they had the best of intentions in what they taught, I still had to acknowledge that these were the people who had taught me this. I had to face that this was all part of the legalism I'd become bound by. It wasn't an easy thing to do and took much longer than I expected, but, it was also very necessary.

So, why do I share this now?

I know from conversations I've had with some I grew up with and what I've been watching play out in public in Christian circles, this is a struggle many people are facing. My hope in sharing my journey with this is that I can encourage others who are facing this journey themselves.

Sometimes we Have to Take a Risk

When was the last time you took a risk?

When did you last step out and do something you felt God was asking you to do when you had not guarantee of the outcome?

Rebekah Lyons, end her book Rhythms of Renewal (releasing Oct 1, 2019) by talking about taking risks. This is part of what she calls the rhythm of create.

I'm not a risk-taker. I like to stay where it's safe and only engage in things when I know the outcome. I tell myself that's the best choice. But, it's also a way to miss out on what God is asking me to do.

Rebekah outs it this way:

"Taking a risk may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's the only way we partner with God in creating good and beautiful things."

And I know this is true. The times I've taken risks and stepped out without knowing how it would turn out have had this result. That doesn't mean it's easy though.

But, there is something I've learned. As Rebekah puts it:

"The call and assignment of God is never possible without God."

We weren't created to do it on our own. When God asks us to take a risk, it will look impossible from our perspective; but with God it's not.

As she wraps up the book, Rebekah reminds us of an important thing:

"There is nothing more beautiful that finding strength on the other side of yes. It's not a strength of doing, but one of being. Being in the center of his will."

Often this is something we only find when we take the risk. When we step out in the calling and assignment God has given us that is impossible without Him. When we say yes to the risk it changes everything.

This is something I have lived. About 7 years ago, I knew God was telling me He wanted me to lead a women's Bible study. This was the last thing on my mind as something I would ever do. How was I going to talk to a group of people about anything, when I had never been able to do so before? I was quite happy to just keep being the quiet one at the table who said very little. But, God had other plans, and He used a couple of key people in my life to convince me to take the risk and try it. I've never looked back. And I know it's not possible for me to do what I'm doing without Him.

What is the risk God is asking you to take?

Are you willing to step into it?

We All Need to Practice Hospitality

"I don't have the gift of hospitality."

"I'm just not good at hospitality like __________."

"I don't have enough space to practice hospitality."

"My house isn't nice enough to have practice hospitality."

How often do we say things like this?

I know I often have. I have tried to make my refusal to practice hospitality sound spiritually acceptable. But all the excuses I can come up with don't really stand up.

In Rebekah Lyons' new (and soon to be released) book, Rhythms of Renewal she talks about four different rhythms we need in our lives - rest, restore, connect, create. Within each of the rhythms she talks about some practical ways to make this rhythm a part of our lives. Each is challenging to consider, yet simple to act on.

In the section on the rhythm of connect, Rebekah has a chapter on hospitality. I found this chapter especially challenging. I'm not the one who has a perfectly decorated space or a themed table setting when I have people over. Quite honestly, when I'm setting up for anything, making the space look pretty is the last thing on my mind, if I think of it at all. And I've always used that as an excuse not to engage in hospitality of any kind.

But, when we think of hospitality only this way, we actually miss out on what it's supposed to be about. It's not about how something is decorated or making things look pretty. Those things are nice, but they're not central to hospitality.

Hospitality is actually about connections and relationship. The creation of space where people are welcome as they are.

Rebekah put it this way:

"Creating a sustainable culture of hospitality requires casual frequency, getting together often, coming as you are, hosting as you are."

It's when we approach hospitality this way that we create the space for connection to happen. And it gives all of us permission to practice hospitality exactly as we are. Yes, some will have beautiful decor or place settings as part of it. But, others of us won't. And it's all okay.

The more I've thought about hospitality since I read this chapter, the more I've realized it's not even really about the physical space we create. The words of a speaker at a chapel at work a couple months ago capture for me what I'm beginning to see is what hospitality is all about. That speaker, the director of a local recovery ministry, put it this way:

"Hospitality is not to change people, but to off people space to change."

If I approach hospitality from that mindset, the more easily I embrace it. I invite people into space I've created, whether in my home, in my office at work, over a table in a coffee shop. I come as I am and I invite them to come as they are. Together, in that space, something beautiful can happen.

How are you doing at hospitality?

Where does your understanding of hospitality need to change?