What do we do When Life Feels like it's Spinning Out of Control

Until just a few minutes ago, I had decided that I was just going to skip posting this week. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. And I wasn't even sure I could put anything into coherent thought.

(Actaully, I'm still not sure that will happen well with this post.)

I've been thinking a lot about how we get through it when the whole world seems to be spinning out of control. What do we do? How do we get through it?

If I'm honest, the events of the few weeks have sent my anxiety higher than it's been in a long time. Most days I feel like I'm just barely hanging on and all I want to do is hide from all of it. But, I still have to deal with the reality of what's going on and hiding is impossible.

So, what do we do when we find ourselves in these situations? 

I'm not talking about caring about practical physical needs. I think what's out there has covered that pretty well. I'm talking about how we get through it emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

It's easy to quote Scripture about trusting God, or about God being in control, or any number of things. And they're absolutely true. But, these days, they can ring a bit hollow when you're feeling like you're barely hanging on and anxiety is high. We have to choose to hold onto those truths, but we can't stop there.

This is where I'm glad that we can be completely honest with God about how we're feeling. He can handle. He wants us to bring it to Him. Sometimes just acknowledging it is helpful to being able to handle it.

But, the truth is that we also need each other. This may be a more difficult in times like this, but it doesn't change the fact that we need each other. While the how of this may look different, we can't neglect this.

And, if I'm honest, this is the part I haven't done well. I've turned to Scripture and to prayer in these last few weeks, but when I've been with people I've fought hard to keep it together and not let them see I'm struggling. And I know that hasn't helped things.

So, something I'm learning (again) and maybe can encourage you with: Keep taking it to God and turning to Scripture for truth. And find ways to keep connecting with others - it might not be the same face-to-face ways we usually use, but keep connecting somehow. We can't try to do it on our own. We need each other.

Sometimes it's Just not Funny . . .

. . . even if you meant it as a joke and I laughed in that moment.

I know you meant it as a joke, so I laughed a bit to cover what was really going on inside.

It wasn't the time or place to explain it. Maybe we were in a busy place. Maybe it was too loud for that kind of conversation. Maybe I didn't feel like I knew you well enough to speak up.

And, I honestly wasn't even sure I would be able to explain it then. In the midst of things, I lose my words and my ability to explain clearly, especially when I'm struggling with something.

What am I talking about?

A simple conversation I've had more times than I can count - in coffee shops and church foyers, in small groups and large groups, in planning meetings and in more casual settings.

When I say something about remembering to include those who are single and the response is something about making the inclusion about next time being ready for the part about marriage. When the way to include singles is suggested to be something about getting ready for or moving toward marriage.

I can see in your face and hear in your voice that you really do mean for this to be a joke. You want to have fun. So I'll often laugh along.

But, what you probably won't see is the hurt inside me. The way I'm struggling, once again, with feeling like I don't really belong The way I feel less than as woman at that moment.

And you won't see it because I'm terrified to let it show. I know many would say that I should let it show - that hiding doesn't help. I agree that hiding doesn't help, but, in that moment, being single has become a source of shame for me, and there's not way I'm going to let you know that.

Sometimes, it's just not funny, even if I laughed.

Actually, a more accurate way to say it: It's just not funny, even if I laughed. There's really no sometimes about it.

A valid concern I expressed about including everyone who might be there has been turned into a joke and then moved on from.

Let me be clear: I don't think it's intentional. I believe that most times when this happens, causing anyone hurt is absolutely the last thing the person who said it intends.

But good intentions don't change reality. They don't remove the pain.

I get it. When I've had the opportunity to pursue the topic later with someone, they've told me that because it's so far outside their own experience and experience of those closest to them, they don't know how to respond and feel awkward. And one of the ways we deal with things that make us awkward is to try to make it into a joke.

But, if making sure singles are included in things and talking about it makes us feel awkward, then we have a big problem. And it's not going to be fixed by making jokes about it.

The truth is, I feel awkward about having to say something about making sure singles are included too. In doing so, I'm likely making it clear to everyone in earshot that I'm the single person in the conversation and that's not always easy.

For some reason, the church today has lost sight of the singles in their midst. In each individual church, it looks different. And some do better than others at not forgetting about the singles in their midst. But as a whole we're missing it here - at least the North American evangelical church as a whole is. I wrote quite a bit about this topic in spring of 2019 ( here are a couple of posts on the topic what Scripture says about singleness - Part 1 & Part 2, why we need to talk about singleness, and is singleness a gift, along with many more you can find on my blog).

So, we're in the awkward moment, where I've said something and you're feeling the need to make a joke to cover up the awkwardness. What should you do instead?

Acknowledge the reality. Say you feel awkward. Ask questions about how to include all. If I included a suggestion, look for ways we can build on that together.

But, whatever you do, please don't turn it into a joke. I'll laugh in the moment, but not because I think it's funny. I'll laugh to hide what's really go on inside. To try to cover the shame I'm feeling because it feels like I don't belong. Like being single in the church is seen as less than or as just waiting and preparing for marriage.

The Post I've Avoided Writing a Few Times...

I've wrestled with writing this post.

I've started and deleted it many times since spring.

But I keep coming back to this topic, feeling like I need to write this.

For whatever reason I feel a bit hesitant to address this as I talk about friendship. And it's because I'm concerned about being misunderstood with this one. The fear or being misunderstood has kept me silent on this for too long.

The more I think about where I'm going with this post, the more I'm seeing that this is something that affects me as a single person (and my guess is other singles as well, though I haven't asked anyone) a little more than those who are married. Although I can't say for sure. But, I do see how some of the complexities at play here can have a disproportionate impact on me.

For those of you still reading this, I'm sure you wish I'd just get to my point. That I'd just say it finally. I have just one request before I do: Please read all of what comes next before you respond. I hope I will address many questions or objections you might have before I finish.

With that out of the way, here it goes . . .




Our friendships and community have to include those with the opposite sex. As a woman, I need there to be men in the circles of people around me. Obviously there are things about a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that are different and should always be. But, these are still needed.




Sometimes the perspective of someone God designed to see and think differently is needed. When God created us, He didn't make us all the same and we need each other's perspectives. We need space for that to happen and without some level of friendship, it can't happen.

This is why I sometimes wonder if my experience as a single person is different, at least sometimes. When a couple is friends with another couple there seems to be allowance for conversation to happen where those differing opinions are shared and encouraged.

Unforunately for me, I have experienced far more times when the conversation changes or evens stops because a friend's husband was around - leaving me feeling like because I'm single there can't be any kind of a conversation around him. Now, there are obviously some topics I wouldn't discuss in that situation. But on others, their thoughts and perspectives could be valuable for me. This isn't my experience currently, for which I'm very grateful, but it definitely has been in the past.

I think part of our problem here comes from the sexualized culture we live in. Before you think I'm talking about society outside the church, let me just be clear that I'm not. While it may look different, we have a sexualized culture in the church as well. Often a restrictive "follow the rules" one, rather than our culture's permissive "whatever feels good" one, but's there in our churches too.

I fear that what we've done, in the process, is create a group of people who are unable to understand or imagine what any level of friendship with the opposite sex looks like without it leading to sex. I like the way Gina Dalfonzo wrote it in her book One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church:

"It's not a bad thing to avoid the appearance of evil - the Bible instructs us to do so (1 Thess 5:22). But if a woman can't even stand next to a man in a room without breaking out in hives for fear that she's giving that appearance, something is off. It's all part and parcel of the hyperstrict, hyperlegalistic singles culture the church has created - the kind of culture that, I submit, is not what Christ had in mind for his followers."

The might seem like Dalfonzo is talking about extreme here, but it's more accurate than we would like to believe.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if some of this comes from the "purity culture" that was all around when I was growing up in church. Whether it was intended to or not, it made it seem as if it was impossible to have a friendship on any level with the opposite sex. And, in doing so, we've left a large group of single adults afraid of even having conversations with someone of the opposite sex - even when there's clearly nothing there. But, I think we're missing something we need with that.

So, the kind of friendship I'm talking about here is obviously not spending hours together alone talking. But, the kind where a conversation at a church event or in a small group setting is okay and not one worries about it. The kind where everything is in the open, but it is okay to talk.

Because, here's the thing, I'm lucky that I can go to my dad or my brother-in-law to get their perspective on something, but not every adult who is single has that. And they're family, so there's sometimes family stuff that gets in the way. I appreciate the other guys in my world I can have a conversation with - mostly the husbands of my good girl friends. And we all need that.