What if I told you that some of the rules - both spoken and unspoken - that we have in our churches around interactions with and physical touch between men and women actually caused harm to some people in our churches?
What is your gut response to that claim?
Because that's the premise of what I'm writing today.
I've struggled with how to write this post. What words to use. How strong to come across. Because, I've probably offended some of you already.
And, not that long ago, when someone said that to me, I was offended too. Until I took the time to actually think about it and relate it to my own experiences. That's when I realized that caused harm is exactly the right phrase to use.
I believe our rules were put in place with the best of intentions. And many of them make a lot of sense on paper - but only on paper. Especially in light of the sex-crazed society we live in, where accusations - some true and some not - and sin in this area abounds. With all of this, blanket rules feel safest and clearest. The easiest way to prevent misinterpretations of actions or words.
I get it. I understand why all these blanket rules exist. But, that doesn't change the fact that they also cause harm to some people who are on the receiving end of the results of these rules.
When we think about the fact that no two people have the same story, it makes sense that blanket rules wouldn't work. And that makes this even more confusing and complicated.
Before, I go any further, let me be clear: I'm not advocating for the removal of all rules or boundaries. I'm not saying we shouldn't have any rules. I'm saying we maybe need to look at our rules and maybe the hard and fast rules need a little bit of room.
As Lore Ferguson Wilbert puts it in her book Handle With Care:
"In all my years of being in church, it was common to hear placid and stale counsel regarding touch, Always dos or never dos. But none of this takes into account the variety of stories the people of God carry with them - no two stories are alike, no two people are alike, therefore no touches are alike in their giving and receiving. This makes it an infinitely complicated issue."
One of these complications comes from something I've written about a lot here. Being single.
A little further on in her book, Wilbert puts it better than I could:
"Singleness can be a lonely place. And its lonely edges, for many, show up most often around touch and the lack of it. This is when most people feel their singleness most potently."
I've written about this feeling in previous posts. And it's probably something being felt even more acutely in this time.
But, don't think this is something unique to living through a global pandemic. Wilbert wrote her words long before we were in the middle of a pandemic and it's been true a lot longer than this. This feeling may be exacerbated in this time, but it's always been true.
So, getting back to my claim that our rules cause harm to some people. There's one group that I can talk about. What some of these rules play out like as a single person in the church.
As I thought about how to explain this, the clearest way seemed to be to try to put you in my shoes in a couple of common scenarios. Give you an inside look at what goes on in my head - much of it as a result of our one-size-fits-all rules.
Scenario 1
You see a friend at church you haven't seen in a long time because they're no longer living where you are. They're back for a visit. The challenge . . . he's a married man and you're a single woman. Even though you both know his wife would be okay with it and she's standing right there with him, there's a hesitation as you approach each other and evaluate if a quick hug will be okay with those around you.
The rules say that hug is inappropriate. That's what you've heard since youth at church. And that's what the looks of most of those who see this tell you. Even if no one says a word about it. But, in any other place, there would be no hesitation to greet each other with a hug - and not an awkward side-hug, an actual hug.
Scenario 2
This one doesn't deal specifically with physical touch, but it relates to the same rules I'm talking about.
You arrive at church and head for where you usually sit with friends. He is seated already, but she isn't - you haven't seen her yet so you don't even know if she's there and will be coming to sit down. You wonder if you should sit down yet. Or maybe it would be better to just drop your stuff off and go find someone to talk to for now.
You've heard the comments before about a single woman sitting near a married man - even when you stay an appropriate distance away. Even worse if you have a conversation with him while his wife isn't there as well. All this despite the fact that you know, she would be just fine with you taking a seat and having a conversation with her husband before church started, in the public space you're in at the moment.
Now, reading those two examples, thing may seem a little extreme. It might seem a little "out there." Honestly, it was an interesting experience to actually write down the thoughts that go through my head in those situations. Those are just two examples of more I could give with enough time.
But, I hope that those examples give a little bit of insight into how some of our one-size-fits-all rules can cause harm. That kind of thinking I describe, that's what is constantly going through my head in every interaction - especially in settings where these rules have been deemed to apply.
