Why Do I Keep Writing About Singleness in the Church?

 Why do I write about singleness in the church?

Why do I write so much about something that many think applies to so few people in the church?

These questions or variations of them have been running through my mind a lot in the last month - prompted by things I get asked often.

The asking of these questions reveal some common misunderstandings and myths that are believed by many. As I've reflected on these questions, I've realized that maybe it was time to address these questions.

To start, let's look at the myth that the topic of singleness in the church applies to very few people. I don't think anyone would argue that marriage rates are declining. Not all of this decline is attributable to cohabitation though. There are also more people who are single and living alone.

According to a study on living alone in Canada published by Statistics Canada in 2019 (based on 2016 numbers), the number of people living along in Canada has more than doubled in the last 35 years, and in the 2016 census represented 14% of all households in Canada.

While I cannot find the sources for specific numbers right now, I have read many articles and books over the last few years that say the population of singles is growing in our society. And that means it is growing in our churches as well. There are predictions that singles will make up half of society, and our churches, very quickly. If singles, as a group, are growing like this, than this isn't a topic that applies only to a few.

And, as I have written about before, the evangelical church does not appear to have a well-developed theology of singleness. When I first began on this quest, an overwhelming majority of anything written on singleness in the church was published by the Catholic Church. Most evangelical-based books were all about how singleness is just a waiting period before marriage. While things have shifted a little bit in terms of what is out there over the last couple years, we still have a long ways to go if up to half our church people are single and many are likely to remain single for their entire lives.

So, I write about singleness in the church because it needs to be talked about more. Yes, we need the marriage courses church's run. We need the sermons on marriage. We need the support for marriage in a society that doesn't value it.

But, we also need support and resources for singles that aren't focused on the assumption they'll all get married one day. This may be the hope and dream for many of us, but it's not always reality nor is it guaranteed.

When we talk about family, it needs to include a healthy and well-developed understanding and theology of singleness. When we pray for different groups within the church, we need to be intentional about including those who are single past college-age and are not yet seniors. Not in a way of calling us out and emphasizing the difference, but in a way of including us and making us feel valued and seen as part of the church. Not in a way of making of feel valuable only for our service and a focus on not having a family distraction, but in a way of valuing the way we juggle work, home, church, friends, extended family on our own instead of with someone to help with many of those responsibilities.

So, all of this is why I talk so much about singleness in the church. If the changes in statistics of those are single continue as they have, it's not going to be long before 50% or more of our church member are single and not in college or seniors. We need to be ready to minister to this group of people too.

Letter to Grandma

Today's post is a letter to my Grandma. At this point, she is still alive - although in a care home and slowly being lost to disease. In the last year, everything has changed with COVID and it's been far too long since I have been able to see her. I hold on to hope that one day I will see her again - even though I know it won't be the same.

Tonight, I'm reflecting on things. Things from my Grandma that are some of the biggest blessings in my life. 

This time in our world has changed so much for so many. I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with things like this. I pray you might be encouraged to remember the good the blessings, even with the losses of this time. It doesn't change or remove the pain or the hard time, and we need to be honest about the emotions we're dealing with, but that doesn't mean we can't look for the good things too.

Dear Grandma, 

It's been a year now since I saw you and gave you a hug.

Not by my choice. Because of circumstances I can't control.

I drive past the place where you currently live regularly, each time wishing I could pull into the parking lot and head up to your room for a visit.

From what I'm told now, the next time I visit you (if that day comes), it won't be the same. You likely won't remember we. Or even talk anymore.

I hate that this pandemic has stolen a year from us. 

I wish I'd held on for one more minute the last time I gave you a hug.

I wish I'd just been there more.

Tonight, as I sit in your old rocking chair, the memories come back. The rocking chair that matched Grandpa's in the sitting area off your kitchen in your house by the lake. A chair that was a favourite place to sit then and still is today.

As I sit in the faded and worn rocking chair, I remember our conversations. The wisdom you freely shared. The encouragement that was always offered.

It's easy to be sad that I don't get the time near the end of your life's journey on earth that I wish I could have.

It's easy to be mad about what this pandemic has stolen from us.

It's easy to live in regret over what I did and didn't do in recent years in the time I had with you.

It's easy to be disappointed that I can't just pick up the phone and call you to ask a question about leading a Bible study or prayer or anything in life.

But, I hear your voice, reminding me that those aren't the places I really want to stay. Yes, feel the emotion. Don't push them away. Acknowledge and work through the pain and the sadness.

But, always look upward to Jesus. Keep my eyes focused on Him, whatever comes my way.

So, these days, I sit in your old rocking chair, now in my living room, and think back to all the things you would say as talked. Conversations in hours spent at your house, making buns or building train tracks. 

I sit in your old rocking chair and remember the hours spent on the golf course together. Not just teaching me to play golf, but also always pointing me to the truth of God's Word and His ways.

I sit in your old rocking chair and read the commentaries I got from your bookshelf when you could no longer read. Seeing what spoke to you from what you highlighted and noted in the margins. A glimpse into the walk with God I saw in you and always admired. A challenge to keep going and keep trusting God, no matter what comes my way.

I love you. I miss you. And I hope that there is still one more day when I can see you and hug you again.

Your oldest grand-daughter, Tamara

Loss in a Season of Loss

I had a much different post planned for today. One I had written, edited, and perfected to share today. But, when I went to post it, it just didn't feel like the right one to share today.

I've been thinking about some different things today. I don't know exactly where this post is going as I write it. This isn't the way I usually write what I share here. But, this feels important to share tonight.

Earlier today, I read a Facebook post that told me an extended family member had passed away. My great uncle Pete . . . or just uncle Pete, as I called him all my life. As I was blessed to have my great-grandparents alive for most of my life, my great uncles, great aunts, second cousins were part of my life growing up. 

Family holiday gatherings, important life events, and church gatherings and events over the years. All those people and all those memories. People who made my life feel that much more secure, because I knew all those people in that room for those memories cared and would be there if I needed them.

As these memories started coming up, my mind wandered to another, even closer person, it feels like I've lost in so many ways. As I sit here today, writing this, it's been just over 11 months since I last saw my Grandma. One of the many losses within this pandemic. The reality is, she was fading when I saw her last, her memory being stolen from her. Now, all these months later, it's very likely that if I see her again before she passes away, she won't know who I am. 

Physically, I drive past the home where she lives at least once a week. But it was Family Day weekend in February 2020 when I last pulled a car into the parking lot and walked through the doors, got in the elevator, and walked down the hall to her ward to find her for a visit. It's been 11 months since I leaned down over her wheelchair to give her a hug, feeling those familiar, yet weakened, arms reaching up to hug me back. Whispering the words "I love you" and hearing her whisper them back.

Another of the many losses of a pandemic. But, the family losses feel the deepest tonight. 

My next thought was to ponder where to turn. What can we do in the midst of all of this?

At church, we're nearing the end of our "21 Days of Prayer" and we've had morning and evening prayer gatherings online. As I was wondering this, I realized it was time for the evening prayer gathering, so I tuned in. And, that was reminder of where to turn.

In the midst of it all, we have a heavenly Father who is with us. Our Abba, who we can turn to and rely on. When the world around us in confusing and hard and we're facing another loss in a season that already feels full of them, we can call on Him and He is with us.

"The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are His children." (1 John 3:1, NCV)

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him we cry 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." (Romans 8:14-16, NIV)