Change in Friendships

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how friendships change over time. They change in many different ways. And lots of the time, that change is a good thing. It means we're not staying stuck with no growth as individuals.

This has been on my mind because of a message I got from a friend recently. She was sharing some exciting news for her, and I was genuinely excited for her and with her. At the same time, I knew this news would bring a change in our friendship.

It's a situation I've found myself in many times. This mixture of excitement for a friend and some sort of grief over what is lost. It's always a challenging thing to walk through.

This friend and I have both been single for a longer than either of us thought. We've talked about it. We've celebrated and encouraged each other as we've sought to live full lives in the midst of circumstances we didn't plan on. And there's been an understanding that many of my other friends don't have about singleness.

This understanding of the reality of being single isn't going to disappear just because she's getting married. The conversations over the years don't just go away, as if they've never happened. That all remains.

But, I also know it means some things do change. The decision to go home via a two hour detour to stop for a coffee together on the way, does possibly change. There's another person to consider in that decision. 

The times we do still see each other, there's another consideration in the decision. Not that we won't see each other, but there's more to consider.

Hear me on this: I don't have a dislike for marriage. I'd actually like to be getting married myself one day. I love to celebrate all of my friends. And, I'm incredibly grateful for the married friends I have who welcome into their homes and families all the time.

But, it is different when the friendship is with another single person. There's a flexibility in things with a single friend, that just cannot factually exist when there's a spouse or kids in the mix.

For me, this is a recent example of how friendships change over time. There's other things that can bring change in friendships. 

That's when we have a choice of what we do. 

Do we keep putting effort into the friendship? Do we stay committed?

Or do we use it as a way out?

I'd say, more often than not, we need to make the choice to push through the change and hang on. We need to value each other and hold onto it.

But, that's not always what our culture tells us. When it becomes hard, our culture tells us to give up. That it's not worth the effort anymore.

But, maybe we need to choose to hold on anyways. To push through the challenge of the change and keep pursuing the friendship.

The Group We Call Single

 I started a list the other day of the different descriptors that can be added to single and describe people who fit into that category. Never married, no kids, widowed, divorced, and on it goes. It's an incredibly long list and I'm not going to attempt to write an exhaustive list.

People are single for all sorts of reasons. There's one fact that groups them all together, and many that indicate different circumstances.

Looking at my attempts at listing it all, I knew it was probably incomplete. It also made me wonder if I've done a dis-service in all my writing about singleness. If the diversity within that group is part of the reason why it's so difficult to find people who have written well on the topic.

But, I've realized that the same could be said for those who are married or have kids or pretty much any other external life circumstance we could describe. And that hasn't stopped people from writing about those topics.

I think it's a good reminder why we must be careful not to let these categories define what we see as everything about a person. They describe one aspect of a person's life - not everything.

We like to look for labels for people. Boxes we can put them in so we can assume we know everything we need to know about them. But, people are way more complicated than that. Those words describe only a part of who they are. And we miss out on so much when we use those characteristics to define people. We don't get to know the richness of who they are.

So, we need to learn to go beyond the labels we give. The labels are helpful sometimes. They're not always bad or wrong. They can help us. But, we can't stop there. They're only a starting place for getting to know someone.

Whatever group you're looking at, remember, they're more than just one thing you see or know about them.

Why Someone Cancelling Plans is so Hard as a Single Person

 "Why are you so disappointed when I have to can plans with you? It's not the end of the world.

I've been asked some version of that question by a lot of people over the years. And, while I know there's no malicious or hurtful intent in the question, it drives the disappointment deeper. Because, now I know I've been misunderstood on top of the plans I thought I had being cancelled.

I understand that stuff happen and things come up in life that mean previously made plans need to be cancelled. That's a part of life, and I do my best to understand.

But, that shouldn't mean I don't get to be disappointed. I'm not trying to guilt you or pressure you. But, I've now gone from having plans to do something person to another evening or day alone . . . again.

Now, I'm an introvert, who truly values my time alone. But, there comes a point when I need people, when I need community. The last thing I need it more alone time right then, so the cancelled plans hurt and are disappointing - even though I understand life necessitates that sometimes.

I may not be able to hide my disappointment in the moment, although I will do my best for your sake. I don't want to make you feel bad when you had no choice.

But, I guess the situations where cancelled plans are the hardest are when it seems like there's no reason why they had to be cancelled. I hadn't been able to put words around this situation for a long time. A couple of months ago, I was reading a book that explained it in a way I'd been unable to.

In her book, Turn Toward the Sun, author Mandy Hale, better known as "The Single Woman" online, writes this:

"And here's the thing you need to remember, too, if you are married or in a relationship or have kids or all of the above and you're cancelling plans with a single friend: You tend to have built-in and consistent community in that you at least have kids or a significant other. There's a good chance that you were the community for the week for the person you just cancelled on, and they likely had been looking forward to spending time with you all week. And now you've bailed on them at the last minutes, giving them no time to make other plans and essentially stripping them of their community for the week. So, yes, it is a really big deal to cancel plans, and it might impact the other person's mental health in ways you can't possibly see in the moment you shoot off a one-line text message standing them up."

That may sound a bit harsh at first read if you've never thought about it before. But, it resonated for me when I read it.

Even on the days I go to work, there's not community there all the time. We try, but work has to be done, and sometimes all we communicate about is work - possibly even, only by digital means.

And then I go home to an empty house.

I'm happy to do lots of things alone. And do them regularly.

But sometimes, it's really nice to do them with someone.

So, even if it doesn't always seem like it to you, sometimes cancelled plans feel like the end of the world and my disappointment is going to be obvious. I'm not trying to guilt you with it.

So, what am I asking in writing this?

When you think about cancelling plans with your single friend, pause for a moment. If you don't have to cancel, then don't. Sometimes, a half hour coffee because you're tired is better than all plans being completely cancelled.

And, when you do need to cancel completely, don't tell me it's no big deal when I'm disappointed.