An Undivided Focus . . . and the Assumption we too Often Make

 How many times have you heard someone say that being single means you don't have to think about a spouse and the impact you have on them as you serve God?

If you're single, probably often.

If you're married, likely still often, just not directed at you. Possibly said by you.

And I'm not going to tell you this is wrong. Scripture says this. 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 says:

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of the world - how he please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried women or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married women is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband."

Reading this, it makes a lot of sense.

So, why am I writing about this/ What needs to be said?

I think we need to take a few minutes to talk about the expectations and assumptions that we often from this. I'm not convinced they're helpful or good. In fact, I would say that, at times, they're harmful.

I've had the experience of someone trying to shame me into filling a role I knew I wasn't a good for for, simply because I was single and therefore didn't have anyone at home to consider. And I know it's not just me or something that happens only occasionally; I've talked to many other singles with the same experience. Sometimes overt, and sometimes done very subtly.

I thinks this is a misuse of this passage. If you look at it in the context of all of 1 Corinthians and all of Scripture, you'll also see teaching about serving in the areas God has called you to and gifted you for. So, my saying no to something I know I'm not a good fit for isn't wrong just because I'm single.

There's also the issue of the time and energy I have available. Yes, there's the time that some by nature of being married that people spend on their spouse, that I have available. But, I am also the only one who does all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the grocery shopping, all of everything else for my house. With another person, there is some degree (realizing it's different in all marriages) of splitting of those tasks between two people. As a single person, you're also the only income earner, so when extra expenses come, your only option is to work an extra job or overtime, cutting into time available.

I know I happily do more volunteering at church than some people. I will continue to do so because I can. But, I find it hurtful when people assume I have more time to give or that I should forego my giftings to fill any need at any time just because I'm single.

So, my practical response to this is that we all need to keep watching our assumptions on other people. We likely don't know the whole story. 

Regardless of whether we are married or single, we are to live lives that honour God and to use our gifts to serve God. That is the main point that Paul keeps coming back to in 1 Corinthians 7.

The Most Well-Known Passage on Singleness

 What does the Bible say about singleness?

1 Corinthians 7 is probably the most well-known passage that talks about singleness. It's quoted and used well and it's quoted and used in sometimes hurtful ways.

Unfortunately, I've most often heard it referenced in unhelpful ways. And, if I'm honest, I've used it in unhelpful ways as well. Most of the time when people reference this passage for singles, it's for a couple of reasons. The first is to tell then that the Bible says they should get married if they "burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9). As if it were that simple.

The second, I believe is meant to be encouraging, but it doesn't come across that way. It is often used to tell someone that singleness is a gift from God that gives them an undivided focus on God. Sounds good. True for the most part.

But, when someone isn't single by choice, telling them it's a gift from God and they should embrace it diminishes their struggle and desire for marriage, rather than acknowledging it. The part about having an undivided focus seems to come with an expectation that singles will volunteer wherever there's a need without paying attention to the things God has gifted them for and given them a passion to do. 

So, what does 1 Corinthians 7 actually say?

The first thing is that Paul values both those who are married and those who are single. Over and over in these verses, Paul holds up both marriage and singleness as ways to honour God and encourages living in that way. His primary concern is that those who are married and those who are single live lives that honour God and obey His commands, specifically regarding sexuality.

While Paul talks about wishing that were as he was in verse 7, he is not saying that singleness is the only option. He is acknowledging that there are some challenges that may be removed if one was single. But, this is not an encouragement at the expense of getting married.

Not to address the words of verse 9, which says,

"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

When these words are quoted to a single person who is struggling with any kind of sexual desire, they're usually hurtful.

Using these words in this way diminishes a legitimate struggle. Our sexuality and desire are given to us by God and we are to keep them within God's plan for them. But, that's not always easy - especially in our world today.

It should be quite clear from what we see in our world, even in our Christian circles, that marriage is not a cure for any struggle with sexuality and saying within God's original plan for it. So when we tell a single person they should just get married because of this desire or a struggle here, we make their struggle small and unimportant by implying that it has an easy solution.

I don't dismiss Paul's words that when this is an area of strong desire, marriage should be pursued. That's what he writes here and it's true. The problem comes with how we use these words when we're talking to people who are being honest about their struggle in the moment.

I've wrestled with how to finish this post. I never want my writing to just tell us what a standard is or point out where we've gotten off course. That does little to help any of us. But, I haven't been sure how to finish this one.

I guess there's a couple of things that we can go to get this practical. And I think they apply beyond just this post, but definitely here.

The first is to practice really listening and caring about the person in front of you who is sharing with you. When someone who is single is talking about their desire to be married or a struggle to keep their sexuality within God's plan, don't go looking for the first Scripture you can throw at them. Listen. And, yes, this may get uncomfortable at times, but it's necessary.

The second thing is to practice putting aside the assumptions you have as you read Scripture. Do your best to read it for what it is, not what you've always thought it was.

We Need a Good Theology of Singleness

What is your theology of singleness?

Did you even know you had one?

The truth is, we all have one. 

And it's been largely shaped by the teaching on it in the local church you're part of. Or, more likely, by the lack of teaching on it in your local church.

The lack of teaching on singleness causes us a big problem in the church. Single adults for a host of reasons, are a growing segment of society as a whole and of our churches. Yet, we lack of understanding of what the Bible says about singleness, and it says a lot more than we think.

As I've been on the journey of studying and writing about singleness in the church over the last five years or so, I've been saddened by the lack of resources available to help me on this journey. There's an abundance of books, articles, and studies on marriage and raising kinds, from many different perspectives. 

But, for a topic that is relevant to an ever-growing number of people sitting in church pews each week, there is woefully little that is written from an evangelical perspective; it's almost all written by the Catholic church. Most of what has been written, unfortunately, undervalues the single experience and sees it as little more than preparation time for marriage.

The western evangelical church is in desperate need of a better understanding of both the current theology of singleness we preach in our silence and what the Bible actually says.

Before you think I'm crazy or you think I'm talking about something above you, let me explain what a theology of singleness actually is.

Theology isn't something only for pastors and biblical scholars. It is simply "the study of religious faith, practice, and experiences." (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Our theology is what we believe about God and what the Bible says.

We all have a theology of many things about our life as Christians. In some areas, this is well-developed and understood. In others, it is not. This is often a place filled with assumptions about Scripture and about experiences.

A good theology of singleness doesn't stand in opposition to a good theology of marriage. A good theology of singleness includes a good understanding of what the Bible says about marriage and values marriage. But, it does so without making marriage the ultimate goal for everyone and the only thing anyone should work towards in life.

In many ways, I understand why the church has had such a focus on marriage and family. We want to be sure that, in a society where marriage is undervalued and attacked, there is a message of hope and God's vision for marriage being declared. We want to support godly marriage and strengthen them. That's a great thing.

But, we need to learn how to do that without pushing singles to the edges of our churches - often only valuing them is they take all the "extra" time we're thought to have and use it to serve the church.

Over the next little while, I'm going to go back to where I started when I first started writing on singleness. I'm going to be exploring again what Scripture says and what we need to do.