They have made me see how our lack of understanding of singleness in the church has translated into actions that unintentionally push singles, and sometimes others, to the outside, making them feel unwelcome. I think that's often our biggest danger, the unintentional fall out from what we do or don't do.
The context of the experiences I had, all came back to one very simple thing and the message that can be sent.
What is it?
How we set up chairs at tables.
Hove you ever paid attention to how chairs are typically placed around a table?
It's almost exclusively an even number of chairs.
I get it. It's pleasing to look at. It's practical, because that fits comfortably.
But, let me give you a different perspective for a minute.
Picture yourself walking into a room alone.
You're expected to find a seat at a table, knowing that it's likely most chairs in the room will be filled.
You finally take a seat at a table with some people you know well enough.
As the tables begin to fill up, you're watching people walk up to the table you're seated at and sigh because there's only room for one more person.
Because you chose to sit at a table, there's now an unspoken assumption and frustration that the table won't work as was set up. Unless someone else coming alone finds your table and takes a seat, that last chair will either remain empty or be filled by someone who isn't sitting with who they thought or planned to when they came.
When I've shared this example with people, at times I've gotten some unhelpful and hurtful, even if well-intended suggestions. The most common being that I should move to accommodate the couple. I get that answer; it may seem like a logical thought, but it undervalues me as a person.
It likely took some pushing past doubts about whether I should go and questions about whether I'm welcome for me to actually come alone. I arrived early enough that I hopefully find a seat with some people I know and would be able to have a conversation with. But, now I'm told, because I'm the single person at the table, that I should be the one to give that up and just go sit wherever there's room for someone else.
That's doesn't really feel fair or inclusive. The result of the assumption being that I should just move is that I'm told my need for connection isn't as important as other peoples' - as those who are coming as couples. It says that this event was actually designed for couples, even if it's something that should be for all, and I only get to be a part of it if there's room. It says I'm outside the norm and I don't belong.
I know this is a more common feeling than even I imagined. Recently, I was at a gathering of single Christians and I watched body language tell me the same thing over and over again as people arrived. People were arriving at a church event, and even if they weren't conscious of it, they were arriving with some worry or concern over where they would sit.
But, as they realized every other person there was in the same situation, they relaxed. You could see it on many people. There was no awkwardness over being the single person in a group of couples in a space set up for couples. No tables that no longer "worked" because they chose to sit there.
The solution is not to just segregate all our of events by marital status. That may work for some things, but doing so for everything will just divide the church and we'll all be worse off because of it.
So, my questions for us to consider:
How can we set up our spaces to be more welcoming to the singles who are a part of it?
What if we set up some tables with an odd number of chairs at them? A subtle indication we're not expecting everyone who comes to be coming as part of a couple.
Are there other small things we can do make everyone, regardless of marital status, feel welcome at things?
