Is a Singles' Ministry Necessary?

 Should churches have ministries for singles?

This question brings a wide array of responses. Most are often strongly felt.

I'll get to how I answer the question specifically a little bit later. Before I get there, I want to talk a little more broadly.

If you take a look at a typical church calendar, you'll likely see an assortment of groups, programs, studies, and ministries filling it. Some of these open to anyone and others for specific demographics - kids, youth, young adults, men, women, seniors, etc. Those are pretty normal for us in a church. We've created programs and ministries that reach specific ages with relative ease, alongside things for all ages.

The purpose of why we've created all these things is to create space for community and connection. We're creating space for people to get to know each other and walk through life together.

If you look at a typical church calendar, you'll also see marriage groups and studies on it. But, one thing you rarely see is singles' ministries.

And that is a problem in my experience.

We create ministries and opportunities to connect for lots of specific groups in our churches. All in the name of creating the community we all need to really live the life God created us for. So, why have we not done this for singles?

Statistics show that single adults are a growing segment of the population in general, and those in our churches. But, except for some programs for those who are divorced or single parents, we don't typically provide other things. 

I'm not talking about a place to find people to date - although that may happen sometimes as a result of a singles ministry. I'm talking about a place to form friendships and community with people whose life circumstances are similar.

While I connect with many people from all life circumstances, and some of the people I call my closest friends are married, there's something about connecting with other people who are single past college-age. There's an understanding that those in my life who were married in their 20s just don't have because their experience is different. There's things you don't have to explain.

For this reason, I think we need singles ministries in our churches. Not as the only place for people who are single, but as part of the larger choice of ministries to get involved with.

Anxiety and the Church

 As today is a day where many are talking about mental health struggles, I'm taking a break this week from my series on singleness and the church to talk about another topic we still need to discuss more in the church.

Mental health struggles . . . depression . . . anxiety . . . and the church.

I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's misunderstood too often and the simplified answers or advice we give does more harm than good.

This is something I'm passionate about because I've lived this struggle. I go through life with social anxiety disorder and tendencies toward general anxiety. At times, individual people within the church have been very supportive and helpful. I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and acquaintances who had sought to better understand what this actually means and how they can love me best and walk through it with me.

These are the friends who follow me when I leave abruptly and sit with me when I' struggling. The friends who et me know they're with me. The friends who have sat outside with me in all kinds of weather. The friends who have offered the words of their prayers when I wasn't able to say them myself.

But, I've also, unfortunately, experienced judgement, a lack of caring, and accusations of not having enough faith in God when I've shared about this. While I have seen a much greater desire to understand and support people in the 20+ years I've lived knowing I have social anxiety disorder (although likely long before knowing that, it impacted me), there are times when I realize that there's still a ways to go in understanding it all. 

It really is a journey to learn and understand. It took me some time to really start to get it and I was living it. So, when it doesn't hit personally, I can only imagine that it takes more work.

So, where to start?

Let's start with the idea that a struggle with anxiety is a reflection of a lack of faith or trust in God. Honestly, this is probably the hardest thing to hear, because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth, my struggle with anxiety has driven me to trust God and call out to Him more than pretty much anything else in my life. It's how I get through the hard days. And I've talked to enough Christians who also live with anxiety to know that it's true for many. 

I often wonder if part of our struggle is how broad the definition of anxiety is. But, we take a one-size-fits-all approach to how we understand the word. 

According to the Meriam-Webster Dictionary, anxiety is defined like this:

apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill

medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

mentally distressing concern or interest

That's a pretty broad definition that encompasses many things. From the force that gets you to move quickly out of the way of a car coming at you, to the everyday worries and concerns that we all deal with, to a fear that completely paralyzes you. I think this is one of the reasons why we struggle to handle conversations about anxiety well and have so much misunderstanding.

We hear the word anxiety and, rather than trying to understand what the person means by it, we jump straight to verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 as the solution. And those are great verses from Scripture, filled with truth and great practices for all of us to incorporate into our lives.

But, there's so much more that anxiety could be. We often use the word to describe an actual medical disorder, where our brains don't work like they should. I know I have often said "I have anxiety" rather than an anxiety disorder and that has contributed to some of the unhelpful conversations I've had.

Maybe we need to learn to ask a little more and then listen to what someone says when they start talking about anxiety, before we make assumptions about what they actually mean.

So, why is just quoting a couple of Scriptures or telling someone to pray or have more faith a problem?

It's presenting a simplified answer to something that's usually much more complex. 

Sure, the Scripture you quote is absolutely true.

Yes, prayer can help.

And faith in God is definitely important.

But, if I (and others) say I'm anxious in that moment, my brain is likely going so crazy I can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray much. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to try to maintain some semblance of control on the outside.

I don't need direction on what I should do. I need support as I walk through it. I just need to know you care.

So, what can we do to handle this better in the church?

1. Ask what someone means by anxiety before we throw Scripture or other directives at them.
2. Pray for them while you're with them.
3. Most of all, stop before we make assumptions about someone's faith and trust in God.

The Church is the Bride of Christ . . . Not Me as an Individual

 The verse I've had quoted to me the most when I express a desire to be married is one that is taken out of context to try to present a solution. 

The challenge is, I'm not looking for the person I'm talk to for a solution to that desire. I'm looking for someone to listen and acknowledge that unfulfilled desire I expressed.

But, more than I wish someone would just listen, I with the context for the Scripture quoted would be paid attention to. We do ourselves a dis-service in our understanding of Scripture when we take verses out of context. We miss the richness of Scripture and what God is actually saying.

The context of a verse is vitally important to understanding it properly. The verses around it, the book of the Bible, and the Bible as a whole play a big part in how we understand a particular verse. We need to look at it all before we quote a verse or part of a verse as an answer to someone.

So, now that that's out of the way, what verse am I talking about?

It's actually just six words out of a verse. Isaiah 54:5 begins this way: "For your Maker is your husband . . ." I can't count the number of times I've had these words said to me, typically prefaced by, "well, you know the Bible says . . ." when I express a desire for a husband. 

Not only do these words ignore or belittle the desire I just expressed, they misappropriate a few words of Scripture.

These words in Isaiah are spoken to the nation of Israel, not to individuals. Isaiah is talking about the hope to come for the nation. These are God's words to the nation He has chosen out of all the nations on earth at the time.

When I've pushed back on the use of these words from Isaiah, I've often received the comment that we are the bride of Christ so it applies today. Except, again Scripture talks about the church as the bride of Christ, not individuals. We get things confused when we try to make things that apply to the church as a whole, apply to the individual.

It doesn't mean there's nothing in Scripture that applies to the individual. But, I think we need to be careful that our individualistic culture doesn't cause us to to misapply what is written in Scipture by assuming it's all about the individual.

So, what do we do with this?

Ultimately, it comes down to listening and being present with people instead of looking for a verse or two to throw at them.

You may not understand the specific unfulfilled desire I'm expressing, but I know that if you're human you have desires and things you're waiting for. In those moments, you can draw on that experience to encourage someone.

But, most of all, don't take Scripture out of context to try to present a solution. That hurts more than you just being there with me.