Singles in All Ministries

 Last week I wrote about the need for churches to have singles' ministries. This week, I want to talk about what some people seem as an opposing thought . . . 

but I don't think that's what it is.

What am I talking about?

The need for singles to be fully involved and welcomed in all areas of the church. A singles' ministry should not be the only place we feel welcome. We need singles in every area of church life - except for marriage specific stuff.

This does seem to happen in most things. We don't ask about marital status for men's and women's events, or to decide on who to allow or not allow to serve.

But, there is one area where we don't always seem to include singles well. One area where the language and the way we communicate excludes singles . . .

I don't think we're aware of it when it happens. Or that we're doing it intentionally.

Most churches have small groups (community groups, care groups, etc) that meet in homes throughout the week. And there's always encouragement to join and get involved in one. It's a good thing. A necessary thing.

But, if not in the info about the group, then in conversation with the group leader or host, singles are made to feel unwelcome in the group. Sometimes, even directly excluded from the group. (Again, I'm not talking about marriage specific groups - I'm talking about many small groups in general.)

We write the words "busy families" and "couples" into our descriptions of small groups, at the same time as we tell people these groups are open to all adults. I understand wanting a small group to be people you connect with. And we should be clear about what is bringing the specific group together. But, if every small group description has that language, it can imply that singles aren't actually welcome in our small groups. 

And that can be enough to hinder a single person who already finds it challenging enough to show up to something alone. When the description is written to families and couples, there's a large and growing segment of our churches who are left out.

But, it can also be more direct in making the single person fell not really welcome. This next example may seem a little extreme, but I'm recounting an experience shared with me by another single person. I am leaving out any identifying details - to protect all in this.

They were fairly new to a church and inquired about a small group to join. In a conversation with a leader of a potential group, they were asked if they were married. When they answered no, they were told that while they could still join the group, if they were the first person to arrive for the meeting, they would have to wait in their car until one of the other couples arrived to be able to go in. 

Upon further conversation, they learned this requirement was just for them because they were single. One person from one of the couples could arrive alone and just go in, even if they were the first one to arrive. 

Needless to say, they didn't join that group, as it didn't really feel like they would be welcomed.

I get having rules to protect marriages. If I show up at a friends' house and only their husband is home, I'm not going to go in and stay for a while - that's not a good choice. But, when I arrive somewhere by myself, I don't have to wait for more people to go in to a friends' house.

Just as we need ministries and groups for different demographics, we need groups that bring people together across those lines. We have much to learn from each other when we're together. 

And we need to be willing to pay attention to and remove the barriers we've created - whether they were intentional or unintentional - where they're not actually necessary.

Is a Singles' Ministry Necessary?

 Should churches have ministries for singles?

This question brings a wide array of responses. Most are often strongly felt.

I'll get to how I answer the question specifically a little bit later. Before I get there, I want to talk a little more broadly.

If you take a look at a typical church calendar, you'll likely see an assortment of groups, programs, studies, and ministries filling it. Some of these open to anyone and others for specific demographics - kids, youth, young adults, men, women, seniors, etc. Those are pretty normal for us in a church. We've created programs and ministries that reach specific ages with relative ease, alongside things for all ages.

The purpose of why we've created all these things is to create space for community and connection. We're creating space for people to get to know each other and walk through life together.

If you look at a typical church calendar, you'll also see marriage groups and studies on it. But, one thing you rarely see is singles' ministries.

And that is a problem in my experience.

We create ministries and opportunities to connect for lots of specific groups in our churches. All in the name of creating the community we all need to really live the life God created us for. So, why have we not done this for singles?

Statistics show that single adults are a growing segment of the population in general, and those in our churches. But, except for some programs for those who are divorced or single parents, we don't typically provide other things. 

I'm not talking about a place to find people to date - although that may happen sometimes as a result of a singles ministry. I'm talking about a place to form friendships and community with people whose life circumstances are similar.

While I connect with many people from all life circumstances, and some of the people I call my closest friends are married, there's something about connecting with other people who are single past college-age. There's an understanding that those in my life who were married in their 20s just don't have because their experience is different. There's things you don't have to explain.

For this reason, I think we need singles ministries in our churches. Not as the only place for people who are single, but as part of the larger choice of ministries to get involved with.

Anxiety and the Church

 As today is a day where many are talking about mental health struggles, I'm taking a break this week from my series on singleness and the church to talk about another topic we still need to discuss more in the church.

Mental health struggles . . . depression . . . anxiety . . . and the church.

I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's misunderstood too often and the simplified answers or advice we give does more harm than good.

This is something I'm passionate about because I've lived this struggle. I go through life with social anxiety disorder and tendencies toward general anxiety. At times, individual people within the church have been very supportive and helpful. I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and acquaintances who had sought to better understand what this actually means and how they can love me best and walk through it with me.

These are the friends who follow me when I leave abruptly and sit with me when I' struggling. The friends who et me know they're with me. The friends who have sat outside with me in all kinds of weather. The friends who have offered the words of their prayers when I wasn't able to say them myself.

But, I've also, unfortunately, experienced judgement, a lack of caring, and accusations of not having enough faith in God when I've shared about this. While I have seen a much greater desire to understand and support people in the 20+ years I've lived knowing I have social anxiety disorder (although likely long before knowing that, it impacted me), there are times when I realize that there's still a ways to go in understanding it all. 

It really is a journey to learn and understand. It took me some time to really start to get it and I was living it. So, when it doesn't hit personally, I can only imagine that it takes more work.

So, where to start?

Let's start with the idea that a struggle with anxiety is a reflection of a lack of faith or trust in God. Honestly, this is probably the hardest thing to hear, because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth, my struggle with anxiety has driven me to trust God and call out to Him more than pretty much anything else in my life. It's how I get through the hard days. And I've talked to enough Christians who also live with anxiety to know that it's true for many. 

I often wonder if part of our struggle is how broad the definition of anxiety is. But, we take a one-size-fits-all approach to how we understand the word. 

According to the Meriam-Webster Dictionary, anxiety is defined like this:

apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill

medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

mentally distressing concern or interest

That's a pretty broad definition that encompasses many things. From the force that gets you to move quickly out of the way of a car coming at you, to the everyday worries and concerns that we all deal with, to a fear that completely paralyzes you. I think this is one of the reasons why we struggle to handle conversations about anxiety well and have so much misunderstanding.

We hear the word anxiety and, rather than trying to understand what the person means by it, we jump straight to verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 as the solution. And those are great verses from Scripture, filled with truth and great practices for all of us to incorporate into our lives.

But, there's so much more that anxiety could be. We often use the word to describe an actual medical disorder, where our brains don't work like they should. I know I have often said "I have anxiety" rather than an anxiety disorder and that has contributed to some of the unhelpful conversations I've had.

Maybe we need to learn to ask a little more and then listen to what someone says when they start talking about anxiety, before we make assumptions about what they actually mean.

So, why is just quoting a couple of Scriptures or telling someone to pray or have more faith a problem?

It's presenting a simplified answer to something that's usually much more complex. 

Sure, the Scripture you quote is absolutely true.

Yes, prayer can help.

And faith in God is definitely important.

But, if I (and others) say I'm anxious in that moment, my brain is likely going so crazy I can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray much. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to try to maintain some semblance of control on the outside.

I don't need direction on what I should do. I need support as I walk through it. I just need to know you care.

So, what can we do to handle this better in the church?

1. Ask what someone means by anxiety before we throw Scripture or other directives at them.
2. Pray for them while you're with them.
3. Most of all, stop before we make assumptions about someone's faith and trust in God.