The Day I Usually Want to Remove from the Calendar

 Today is day I have often wished to remove from the calendar.

Most days, being single isn't a big deal to me, even if it's not what I had hope for at this point in my life. But, today, it feels like it declares that something is very wrong with me.

February 14.

Valentine's Day.

It's a day when it feels like being single is something you need to hide. A day where you don't feel welcome in most places because everything is set up for and focused on couples. If you, as a single person, show up somewhere you're often seen as messing up the natural order of things even more than usual.

As it approached this year, I was dreading it even more than usual, but I wasn't really sure why.

When the opportunity to do something with others who were also single came up, I jumped on board quickly.

But, that still didn't remove the question of why I had been dreading this day even more than usual this year.

Then, a few nights ago, I was at a gathering for singles and I heard someone else put words to why. 

It can be a lonely night when you're longing for connection with people. Feeling like most of society expects you to stay home along that evening because you don't have a significant other emphasizes and amplifies any loneliness you may already be feeling. Maybe even more as we seek to rebuild the connection opportunities that were lost through a couple years of COVID.

So, maybe I dread today a little bit less now because I know I will have some fun with other singles. That I will have that connection I crave and the God created us for.

But, think this leads to a bigger question that I've been talking about in the last couple of blog posts I wrote as well.

If God created us for community and connection with each other, how do we create that in our churches - for every adult, whether married or single?

Singles in All Ministries

 Last week I wrote about the need for churches to have singles' ministries. This week, I want to talk about what some people seem as an opposing thought . . . 

but I don't think that's what it is.

What am I talking about?

The need for singles to be fully involved and welcomed in all areas of the church. A singles' ministry should not be the only place we feel welcome. We need singles in every area of church life - except for marriage specific stuff.

This does seem to happen in most things. We don't ask about marital status for men's and women's events, or to decide on who to allow or not allow to serve.

But, there is one area where we don't always seem to include singles well. One area where the language and the way we communicate excludes singles . . .

I don't think we're aware of it when it happens. Or that we're doing it intentionally.

Most churches have small groups (community groups, care groups, etc) that meet in homes throughout the week. And there's always encouragement to join and get involved in one. It's a good thing. A necessary thing.

But, if not in the info about the group, then in conversation with the group leader or host, singles are made to feel unwelcome in the group. Sometimes, even directly excluded from the group. (Again, I'm not talking about marriage specific groups - I'm talking about many small groups in general.)

We write the words "busy families" and "couples" into our descriptions of small groups, at the same time as we tell people these groups are open to all adults. I understand wanting a small group to be people you connect with. And we should be clear about what is bringing the specific group together. But, if every small group description has that language, it can imply that singles aren't actually welcome in our small groups. 

And that can be enough to hinder a single person who already finds it challenging enough to show up to something alone. When the description is written to families and couples, there's a large and growing segment of our churches who are left out.

But, it can also be more direct in making the single person fell not really welcome. This next example may seem a little extreme, but I'm recounting an experience shared with me by another single person. I am leaving out any identifying details - to protect all in this.

They were fairly new to a church and inquired about a small group to join. In a conversation with a leader of a potential group, they were asked if they were married. When they answered no, they were told that while they could still join the group, if they were the first person to arrive for the meeting, they would have to wait in their car until one of the other couples arrived to be able to go in. 

Upon further conversation, they learned this requirement was just for them because they were single. One person from one of the couples could arrive alone and just go in, even if they were the first one to arrive. 

Needless to say, they didn't join that group, as it didn't really feel like they would be welcomed.

I get having rules to protect marriages. If I show up at a friends' house and only their husband is home, I'm not going to go in and stay for a while - that's not a good choice. But, when I arrive somewhere by myself, I don't have to wait for more people to go in to a friends' house.

Just as we need ministries and groups for different demographics, we need groups that bring people together across those lines. We have much to learn from each other when we're together. 

And we need to be willing to pay attention to and remove the barriers we've created - whether they were intentional or unintentional - where they're not actually necessary.

Is a Singles' Ministry Necessary?

 Should churches have ministries for singles?

This question brings a wide array of responses. Most are often strongly felt.

I'll get to how I answer the question specifically a little bit later. Before I get there, I want to talk a little more broadly.

If you take a look at a typical church calendar, you'll likely see an assortment of groups, programs, studies, and ministries filling it. Some of these open to anyone and others for specific demographics - kids, youth, young adults, men, women, seniors, etc. Those are pretty normal for us in a church. We've created programs and ministries that reach specific ages with relative ease, alongside things for all ages.

The purpose of why we've created all these things is to create space for community and connection. We're creating space for people to get to know each other and walk through life together.

If you look at a typical church calendar, you'll also see marriage groups and studies on it. But, one thing you rarely see is singles' ministries.

And that is a problem in my experience.

We create ministries and opportunities to connect for lots of specific groups in our churches. All in the name of creating the community we all need to really live the life God created us for. So, why have we not done this for singles?

Statistics show that single adults are a growing segment of the population in general, and those in our churches. But, except for some programs for those who are divorced or single parents, we don't typically provide other things. 

I'm not talking about a place to find people to date - although that may happen sometimes as a result of a singles ministry. I'm talking about a place to form friendships and community with people whose life circumstances are similar.

While I connect with many people from all life circumstances, and some of the people I call my closest friends are married, there's something about connecting with other people who are single past college-age. There's an understanding that those in my life who were married in their 20s just don't have because their experience is different. There's things you don't have to explain.

For this reason, I think we need singles ministries in our churches. Not as the only place for people who are single, but as part of the larger choice of ministries to get involved with.