Content & Still Have a Longing for Something DIfferent?

 Can you live an enjoyable life while still having an unfulfilled longing for something?

Is it possible for those to coexist in one person's life?

I've heard so many people express a feeling that they won't really be happy or content or joyful until a certain thing happens or they achieve a certain thing. Except, once they get there, the goal changes and they're still not happy or content or joyful.

Many of these conversations come with other single adults in the church. Or, with people who make assumptions about what life is like as a single Christian adult or about what someone else feels.

And it's something I've wrestled with in my own life. Is it possible to create a life that I love and am content with, while still longing for marriage and a family of my own one day? Can I really live like this, even if the longing if never fulfilled?

It took me a while to get to this point, but I believe the answer is yes. In fact, I think it's something we have to learn to do.

It doesn't mean we'll always do it perfectly, or that we won't have days where it feels impossible to do so. But we can do it and learn to keep doing it better.

While I'm single, I can have a job I love and find fulfilling. I can have great relationships and community with people . I can be involved in things at church that I enjoy and feel called to by God.

And, at the same time, I can long for something different.

While I relate this specifically to being single right now, it can apply to all of us as Christians. We can live lives fully engaged in what God calls us to do, all while we long for God's Kingdom to be fully established on earth. It's not always easy, but we have to learn to live in this tension.

Single People aren't a Threat to Your Marriage

 Have you ever felt like you were being excluded from a group because of one characteristic about you?

Hove you ever been part of an interaction and felt like someone wished you weren't there?

I think I'm safe to say we've all experienced that at times. Situations where we've felt excluded or pushed out.

Now let me ask you another question . . .

Hove you ever felt like you were see as a threat to something when you interacted with someone?

Even though most of us have some stories about being excluded, it doesn't seem to be quite as common an experience to actually be made to feel like you're a threat.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Unless you're a single adult in the church.

Then you can probably recount many stories of feeling like you're seen as a threat by someone. I know I quickly run out of fingers if I try to count it. And I've heard enough singles tell me the same thing to know my experience isn't unique.

For some reason in the church, single adults are often (not always or with everybody, but a lot) seen as a threat if they happen to have a conversation with someone who isn't the same gender as them. I'm talking about a conversation in the church lobby before or after a church service, or in some other public place where it is generally appropriate to have a conversation with many different people. Yet, somehow, we see this as a threat if one of the people involved in the conversation is single.

And it hurts.

And it ostracizes people.

It pushes people out of the community God designed us for and into deeper isolation.

As a single woman, I'm not going around seeing every man as a potential relationship leading to marriage. I'm not seeing them as really close personal friends. I want your marriage to be strong, to be God-honouring.

In short, my singleness doesn't make me a threat to your marriage.

Just because I talk to your husband at church doesn't mean I'm going to want to go for coffee with him or spend time at your house without both of you there. I'm not going to cross those boundaries. 

And it hurts that you assume I will.

What if, instead of seeing single people as a threat to marriages in the church, we saw them as people? People in need of community - with other men and women. 

What if we sought to build community so that everyone, regardless of their marital status, was welcome and  at home and felt comfortable in the space?

When Our Words Unintentionally Cause Hurt

 Have you ever said nothing you meant nothing by without realizing how much it was going to hurt someone when you didn't intend to?

We've all probably done this sometimes. And we've probably been on the receiving end of a comment like this.

A situation where there's truly no ill will or ill intent, yet was is said causes pain for someone. These times are not fun for anyone involved as the outcome is fully realized.

Despite our best intentions, we hurt each other sometimes. We do it in all kinds of situations. But today, I want to talk about one specific time that we it happens, that is causing more harm than we may be aware of.

If you're a single adult in the church, you've likely smiled, or even laughed, outwardly in these situations. All the while cringing and feeling less than on the inside, as you've heard people say things like what follows here:

I don't know why someone like you is still single.

Maybe if you didn't desire marriage anymore, you'd meet someone.

You're too ______________ (confident, established, sure of yourself) for someone to want to be with you. You need to need someone.

You just need to trust God with your plans for your life.

The Bible says God will give you the desires of your heart, so just wait for His timing and it will happen.

There must be something in your life that is keeping you from finding someone. You need to deal with it, so you can meet someone.

Singleness is a gift. You should embrace it and stop desiring marriage.

Sorry. You won't understand this part of the conversation because you're not married.

And that's far from an exhaustive list of things I've heard over the years of being single, but it's a start to get us thinking.

Because the troubling Scripture interpretation and faulty logic of some of those statements, they also bring a lot of pain.

Many of these statements make assumptions about the experiences of someone.

Many of these statements make assumptions about where the heart of someone is.

Many of these statements make assumptions about the single person is doing or not doing.

And it hurts. 

Even if it was intended differently, it doesn't remove the fact that the words hurt.

So, how should we respond if the person who was hurt has the courage to tell us that our words hurt them?

I think this is where the biggest impact lies. When we're made aware that something we said caused pain to another, even when that's not what we intended, our response can change the entire experience for the person who spoke up.

We can acknowledge how they feel and seek to understand.

Or we can make light of it and contribute to causing greater hurt.

To acknowledge that our words hurt someone requires humility on our part. We have to be willing to admit and own the pain our words caused to the other person.

This applies in so many areas of life, but as you can probably guess from above, I'm talking specifically about how we respond to the single adults around us. Because we how respond to them, is vital to the church functioning as the family God created the church to be.