Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 1)

 Can we please stop telling people that marriage is the greatest tool God can use for sanctification?

It's something I hear all too often, and as a single adult it's frustrating.

It's actually hurtful to many.

As a single adult, it comes across as meaning I don't have the opportunity for sanctification because I'm not married. And, yes, I've had people say that.

With single adults a large and growing number of people in our churches, comments like this alienate more people that we realize.

And, let's be honest, God has a lot more tools to use for our sanctification than just marriage. He's not limited. We make Him out to be smaller than He actually is when we decide what His best tools for sanctification are.

As long as we are living in relationship with God, He can do the work of sanctification in our lives. He can use any situation or relationship or things that come our way to sanctify us. And He does, if we allow Him to.

Yes, marriage is a tool God can use for sanctification. 

So are roommates, friends, coworkers, neighbours, family members. 

So it trusting God through a challenging time. 

So is persevering to finish a project that didn't come naturally or was filled with challenges.

Ultimately, anything in our lives can be a tool God uses for our sanctification, if we'll allow it to be.

But, that's the key with all of this. We have to allow it to be a way of sanctification. If we don't, then it won't be.

Risking to Let Someone In

 

Clear blue skies.

Fluffy white clouds floating by.

Afternoon sun making it feel much warmer than the 30 degrees the temperature says it is.

A gentle breeze keeping almost comfortable.

The cool water of the creek flowing over our feet.

Birds chirping in the trees surrounding me.

The sound of rushing water providing the background for the chirping birds.

I honestly don't know what could be more peaceful. A respite from the busyness and stress of life. Calm in the middle of storms.

The tree across the creek from me stands tall and barren. A white pole in the midst of the lush green. From this distance I can't tell if it's dead or alive. I can get close enough to see if there are buds or signs of life.

It makes me wonder if we could say the same things about our lives.

How often do we stand alone, feeling barren, in the midst of lush life around us?

We've kept people at a distance. They can't tell if there's life in us or not. No one knows looking at us from the outside. No one gets close enough to actually see.

Unlike this tree, we make the choice to keep everybody at a distance. We build up the walls and protections to keep people from knowing what's really going on. We isolate and self-protect.

We think we're doing a good thing, but we end up actually causing ourselves harm. In our quest to look like we have it all together, we close ourselves up from what we really need. While trying to keep from getting hurt by others, we actually hurt ourselves.

So what does it look like to open up? To all others in? To allow people to see if there are signs of life?

It means taking a risk. We have to be intentional about opening up with others. And that might mean we get hurt sometimes. But, for all the times it does go well when we risk letting people in, it will be worth it to take the risk.

So, who is one person in your life you can take the risk with?

And, what is one thing you can risk sharing?

Pursuing Community as a Single Adult

 Our culture prides itself on independence - on not needing other people. We do everything ourselves and often by ourselves. It's often what we announce to others in our social media posts and face-to-face interactions.

As a single adult, the pressure to be able to do it all sometimes feel unnecessarily high. It's seen of a sing of achieving some level of maturity to live alone. Being able to look after all your needs in every area - work, home, family, etc - is an achievement of sorts that should be announced to the world.

But, it's also lonely. It's hard some days to go home, because it means I won't see anyone, often until the next day. I miss the interaction with people. It makes it hard to take vacation sometimes, because at least if I go to work, I see and interact with people for part of everyday.

There's also been an abundance of news stories, and the studies to back it up, that we are the loneliest generation in history, especially in the western world. We've built lives and created systems that segregate  and isolate us. We've allowed disagreement to drive us apart. We've become too dependent on demographic information about people to determine if we'll communicate or get to know one another.

But this isn't how God designed us to live. God created us to live in community. To know and be known by people. To need each other. To help each other. To get into each other's lives and speak truth - even when it's hard. To encourage, care for, support each other.

And as a single adult, these are even more important, but it also seems like my singleness presents an obstacle to many in the church when it comes to including me. Even though there are some differences in our lives, there are also many things that are similar. Being single is far from the only thing about me that there is to know.

I know it's possible to have community with people whose lives all look very different on the surface. Until a few years ago, I was part of a caregroup, where this kind of community was what we had.

So, how do we do this? What does it look like to pursue community?

It takes us being intentional with our relationships with people. We have to make an effort to connect. And then, we need to actually learn to admit when we have a need and let people help us. We have to choose to invite people into our lives and respond to their invitations for us to come into their lives.

And we need to let it happen with people whose lives may not look completely identical to ours on the surface. That's sometimes where the richest community can happen. 

I was reminded of this last night. I was sitting in Starbucks with a group of women from a Bible study at church. At a glance, we didn't have a lot in common, but we talked and laughed and enjoyed the time together for the evening. And, some of my closest friendships have come from groups exactly like this.

How are you pursuing community?

Are you willing to admit when you need help from someone? And give someone the opportunity to to help us?

Are you willing to be intentional about seeking people out and building relationships with them?