Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 4)

 "You don't have anyone at home waiting for you, so should be the one to fill that need. You have time."

This one I really wish I'd never heard, but I've heard it in some form on more than one occasion.

I believe there's a couple of reasons why we need to stop saying this. First, it often ignores the gifts and abilities of the person it's said to. The place where there's a need to be filled may be something that the single person knows they won't do well, and may even dread.

For example, I've had people push me towards volunteering in kid's ministry because of need. There's just one big problem with that . . . I don't particularly like kids. I love my niece and will do things with her, but generally I don't like spending time with kids. I would make a terrible kid's ministry volunteer because I'd be dreading it and counting the minutes til I was done. It's actually better if the space is left open for someone who likes kids even a little bit, than for me to fill it.

The second reason why we need to stop saying this is because of the assumptions about the time a single person has that it makes. Yes, it's true that there's no one waiting for me to get home. But, that also means I'm the only one to do everything at home. Instead of having another person to share in the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and other household tasks, I do all of that on my own. That takes up a large portion of the time I have that comes from no one else being at home.

The problem with saying this really comes down to the assumptions being made about another person and their life, just based on the external facts you see. We get ourselves in dangerous territory when we do this with any person for any reason.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 3)

Here's the third thing in my series on things we need to stop saying:

Anything at all that implies how good your sex like is and how the single person you're talking to is missing out.

This is just not appropriate.

I'm actually baffled by how much about the topic of sex is considered taboo to talk about in Christian circles, but comments like this are somehow acceptable.

There may be places where this conversation is good and helpful, but not when you're talking to a single person. And especially not when you say it in a way to make them feel like they're missing out on something.

It doesn't make the single person you say it to want to pursue marriage more. It doesn't make them make more intentional choices to pursue marriage. Many times, they're already doing everything they can, but when it's dependent on another person, you don't have all the control.

Instead, it makes them feel looked down on and like they're seen as less than. It can make them feel pitied for missing out.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 2)

 "Why are you still single?"

This is another thing we need to stop saying.

It's not helpful.

The question is usually preceded or follow by something about how great of a person someone is. 

But the question often hurts and takes away from anything else that was said alongside it.

Why does it hurt?

It points out that the person is still single, even with all these good things about them. It feels like being single is seen as a problem that should be solved. It implies that there is something wrong with being single, especially if you have all these good qualities that are given.

Instead of encouraging someone with good things you see in them, the message that can actually come across is that there's something wrong with you because you have all these good qualities and yet you're still single. It makes the person on the receiving end feel incomplete or less than.

The last reason why we need to stop asking this question is that it's an impossible question to answer for all, but a very select few. There may be a few people who know they have a specific message from God that they are to be single for a time or for their lives, but those people are not common. Most of us have no way to answer the question, so asking it, and then expecting an answer, does no good.

I realize not all who ask are looking for an actual answer to the question. But, even when it's just left hanging with no answer, there's an element of struggle to find an answer felt. And it leaves an uncertainness for those who are asked.