Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 5)

 "If you just stop desiring marriage, you'll find the person to marry."

I can't count the number of times I've been told this, because it's happened so often. And never in a helpful way; instead, always in response to me simply expressing the fact that I would like to be married one day.

I'm not sure how simply acknowledging that desire is a bad thing. If marriage is something created by God, then how can having a desire for it be wrong?

I'm not talking about being obsessed with the desire. There may be some occasions where the person is obsessed with getting married that they do need to surrender that desire to God. But, my experience says that this is exceedingly rare. Most singles who desire marriage are far from obsessed with it.

When it comes to relationships, it seems like we tell people not have a desire for anything and definitely not pursue it. But, in any other area of life, we tell people to go after what they want. It really makes no sense that we do this.

Saying this assumes a lot about the motives of some's life. Unless you know the person really well, you likely don't have enough relationship to not make assumptions. And most people who have said this to me didn't know me well enough to actually know if I was obsessed with getting married or not.

Even if someone does need to surrender this desire, that conversation is best and will most likely be heard if it happens in the context of a friendships with someone who has taken the time to get to know them and care about their lives. The acquaintance or stranger at church is not going to have an effective conversation about it. And the passing comment is just going to bring a defensive response.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 4)

 "You don't have anyone at home waiting for you, so should be the one to fill that need. You have time."

This one I really wish I'd never heard, but I've heard it in some form on more than one occasion.

I believe there's a couple of reasons why we need to stop saying this. First, it often ignores the gifts and abilities of the person it's said to. The place where there's a need to be filled may be something that the single person knows they won't do well, and may even dread.

For example, I've had people push me towards volunteering in kid's ministry because of need. There's just one big problem with that . . . I don't particularly like kids. I love my niece and will do things with her, but generally I don't like spending time with kids. I would make a terrible kid's ministry volunteer because I'd be dreading it and counting the minutes til I was done. It's actually better if the space is left open for someone who likes kids even a little bit, than for me to fill it.

The second reason why we need to stop saying this is because of the assumptions about the time a single person has that it makes. Yes, it's true that there's no one waiting for me to get home. But, that also means I'm the only one to do everything at home. Instead of having another person to share in the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and other household tasks, I do all of that on my own. That takes up a large portion of the time I have that comes from no one else being at home.

The problem with saying this really comes down to the assumptions being made about another person and their life, just based on the external facts you see. We get ourselves in dangerous territory when we do this with any person for any reason.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 3)

Here's the third thing in my series on things we need to stop saying:

Anything at all that implies how good your sex like is and how the single person you're talking to is missing out.

This is just not appropriate.

I'm actually baffled by how much about the topic of sex is considered taboo to talk about in Christian circles, but comments like this are somehow acceptable.

There may be places where this conversation is good and helpful, but not when you're talking to a single person. And especially not when you say it in a way to make them feel like they're missing out on something.

It doesn't make the single person you say it to want to pursue marriage more. It doesn't make them make more intentional choices to pursue marriage. Many times, they're already doing everything they can, but when it's dependent on another person, you don't have all the control.

Instead, it makes them feel looked down on and like they're seen as less than. It can make them feel pitied for missing out.