Creating a Community that Includes All

 As we begin a new year of Bible studies, small groups, classes, and other plans in our churches, I've been thinking a lot about how we create a community where everyone feels welcome and included. Where marital status and life circumstances don't define the only places where you belong and where you don't.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have singles' groups, divorce groups, men's & women's groups, marriage groups at all. Those are important and have a place.

But they can't be all we offer.

We need more where all the people who are part of these different groups are also living life together.

We like to talk about being the family of God, but sometimes I think we forget what that means.

If you look at an extended family, it typically includes a variety of people. Some married, some single, some kids, some without kids. But, that doesn't stop the people in that family from coming together.

If we are the family of God, then we should have all different people - of varying ages, genders, and marital statuses - mingling together. Leaning how to live life together. Learning from each other and with each other.

But, we don't always do this well. Obviously, we're naturally drawn to people whose lives look similar to ours. When lives look similar, we have easy things to connect on. It can come much easier than connecting with someone whose life looks different.

When we only connect with the people it's easy to connect with, we miss out on a richness of friendships that comes if we go beyond the obvious connections with people. We have to choose to take the time and make the space to build relationships that take work. This is the opposite of our instant society, but it's worth it.

So, all of our ministries cannot be segregated by marital status, or age, or gender. We can help these rich relationships form and make everyone feel welcome by not always labelling our small groups or activities with a marital status, gender, or age. And those who lead need to welcome and include all who come through the door.

It's that simple and that hard all at the same time.

What We Need to Say & Do Instead (Part 8)

 I've spent the summer talking about things we need to stop saying. As summers draws to a close and my list of these things is all written about, I feel like it's important to take a moment to look at the other side. If we're supposed to stop saying some things, we need to have something to do or say instead. I know I wrote about that in some of the posts, but the others were more difficult.

As I wrap up this series, I'm realizing that it all comes down to actually taking time to have a real conversation and really listen to what someone is saying. So much of the time, we end up challenging situations because we're not really listening to each other.

Or, what the person is saying makes us feel uncomfortable, so we respond with a platitude hoping that will end the conversation on that topic and our discomfort with it. But, while our comment may end the discomfort, it perpetuates the pain, the struggle, and the desire to really be seen and heard by the other person.

Our culture doesn't teach us to listen well, or to engage in conversations that bring discomfort. We learn how to distract ourselves and disengage from these conversations. But, that actually is why there are so many thing we need to stop saying. We only sort of listen most of the time and get in trouble because of what we miss.

Ultimately, we need to take the time to actually pay attention to the other person in the conversation. Instead of looking for a quick response and a way out of a conversation that might be somewhat uncomfortable for us, we need to take the time to have a real conversation. To really listen. To ask questions to understand more. To care about the other person in the conversation.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 7)

 "You won't understand because you're single or don't have kids."

These words inevitably come when someone is talking about a reality they're facing that relates to marriage or kids.

I won't argue that there are parts of the situation I may not understand because I haven't experienced it myself. But, it's like that in almost everything in life. Even if I don't completely understand everything, I can still listen, ask questions, and pray.

The ironic thing is these words are often said by people who feel they can speak into and understand my world, even though they haven't experienced things exactly the way I have. It almost comes across that because someone is married and/or has kids, they automatically have wisdom and insight into all of life, that a single person can't possibly have.

Can I be blunt for a moment?

If you got married in your twenties and had kids soon after, your experience of singleness was nothing like mine is as I enter my forties as a single person. Your experience doesn't compare. My own experience of singleness in my twenties doesn't compare to what it is now.

But, that also doesn't mean I'm going to discount anything you say or assume you won't understand anything at all. That difference may mean I'll filter some of your advice or thoughts through my experience and I may challenge your thoughts sometimes. 

I'll approach it with the thought that your own experiences may help me see things I'm missing if I stay limited to only my own experience. Sometimes someone completely outside our experience sees something we can't and helps us to understand something better. That's how God intended for things to work when He created us to need each other.