Spiritual Bypassing

Today I'm talking about an example of spiritual trauma that we easily fall into. Often we don't even know we're doing this. But, we have to be aware of it, if we're going to move forward better in this.

Spiritual bypassing is probably something we've all done at times. Often not intentionally, but we've done it nonetheless. 

What is spiritual bypassing?

"Spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual practices. It prevents people from acknowledging what they are feeling and distance them from both themselves and others." (verywellmind.com, Spiritual Bypassing as a Defense Mechanism)

Okay, definition aside, what does it look like? How do we define it practically?

When we engage in spiritual bypassing we take very real emotions and struggles people are having and cover them with spiritual words about trusting God and praying more. Rather than acknowledging the pain of someone, we bury it in spiritual language.

Here's what makes this so hard: Trusting God in our struggles is important. Prayer is an important way of walking through the hard times in life. We actually need those things.

So, what's the problem?

The problem comes when we use those things to deny or repress what's really going on. When they're used to stop people from really feeling the emotions and acknowledging what's going on.

"The denial of emotion using a similar strategy or repression and spiritual bypassing, especially when well-meaning, can leave a person feeling misunderstood and like their painful emotions need to go away for them to belong, to stay connected, and to be okay. We know well by now that emotions that go unfelt do not go away. They stay there, lingering, asking to be addressed by getting louder, which can only serve to reinforce the same pattern in some situations that come up, and again they repress and deny them." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 3: Shards of Glass)

Because it too often becomes normal to us, we easily get stuck in patterns of spiritual bypassing. We don't even realize we're doing it.

Let me share an example from my own experience to illustrate this.

I've written here before about living with an anxiety disorder. Sometimes you wouldn't know and other times it's a more obvious struggle. In times when it's more difficult where I've chosen to share this struggle with someone, I've had 1 Peter 5:7 or Philippians 4:6-7 quoted to me as the solution. Or I get told I should pray more. 

These are classic examples of spiritual bypassing. Not because those Scriptures aren't good to read, or prayer is unimportant. My struggle with anxiety in the moment is responded to  as if it's something I'm doing wrong spiritually and it is solved by Scripture and prayer. No acknowledgement of the struggle I'm dealing with in that moment.

So, what should be do instead?

Take time to listen to what someone is saying. Care about them in that moment. Invite honesty about the emotions they're really dealing with. Don't just look for the Bible verse or spiritual practice you can throw at them. Sit in the discomfort that comes in life at times with the other person.

It's More than You Think

 Maybe you're like I was when I first heard of spiritual trauma. Your mind automatically goes to the accounts of sexual abuse, of financial control, of other quite extreme and obvious examples.

But, what if I was to tell you that's often much more subtle? That it often occurs in ways that don't look like they have any issues on the surface?

". . . there are these gross injustices that happen in some spiritual contexts, but all about how some communities or faiths seem to take a clear preference for personality structures. There are the obviously overt traumas, and then there are these more subtle ways of preferencing people and making other people feel inferior." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 8: Unsettling Ourselves)

I think we miss the prevalence of spiritual trauma and the seriousness of the problem because we relegate it to the big, horrific events. And, in doing so, we don't realize how much it happens in much smaller ways that are repeated over and over again.

At the risk of over-simplifying it, let me ask you this: How many times have you been in a church group and there is an expectation of your spiritual maturity being shown by the way you participate in the discussion or pray out loud during prayer time?

This is often unspoken. But if you're quieter in a group, you feel it. The looks from others. The silence once everyone else ahs spoken while everyone waits for you to finally pray.

The outcome of this experience for the individual depends on the supports and safe places a person has. If there are people who respect and understand the individual, then those group experiences may be little more than temporary uncomfortable moments. 

But, if they happen often enough or they're the only experiences we have, they have a much bigger impact and could become a form of spiritual trauma.

If those are things that can become spiritual trauma for someone, then it's more prevalent than we may think at first. And it means, it's even more important that we work to understand it.

Community is Part of Healing

 ". . . the healing of trauma cannot happen without the presence of connection." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 6: Seeing & Believing)

As much as people are the source of spiritual trauma, we need people in the healing of it. This isn't easy. When people have caused our pain, we want to hide and put wall up to protect ourselves.

"The experience of being witnessed, as it turns out, is foundational to our ability to heal. We are relational. Our pain needs to be held tenderly as we speak truthfully about it. And whether we tell the story or not, or the people around us know what to do with this information or not, we all deserve spaces where we are felt, known, and trust that we are believed, even if we choose not to share." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 6: Seeing & Believing)

We don't share the story with just anyone or with everyone. We won't share the story with most people. But the community, whether inside or outside of the church, that we are surrounded with is central to healing spiritual trauma.

The pain needs to be witnessed when it is share, in whatever form that is. And, the love and support of others is needed as new ways of thinking and living are learned.

Like so much in our lives, we weren't made to and we can't get through it all on our own. We need safe people walking with us though all of it.