Seeing Single Adults in the Church

 Since I wrote my last post I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.

I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.

As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.

The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.

But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.

As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.

The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers "because you're single and have more time"  - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.

While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.

The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.

So, how do I wrap this up?

A few things to move us forward:

1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.

2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.

3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.

When You Feel Unseen

 Have you ever had an experience where you felt unseen? An experience where it seemed like you weren't noticed even though you were right there?

It's quite possible that we've all had those experiences. We've all had the experience of feeling invisible even though we were in the same space.

Sometimes this not noticing is intentional. Someone or a group are intentionally choosing to ignore us and leave us out. 

But, I would guess that a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, it's completely unintentional. The other people weren't specifically choosing not to see you, and they would be genuinely chocked and sorry if it was pointed out to them.

Unfortunately, as a single adult in the church this seems to happen often. In the focus on supporting and strengthening marriages in a culture where marriage is under attack, single adults aren't often mentioned. And then they are, it's for single parents and those healing from divorce. That leaves a growing segment of the population in churches never mentioned or acknowledged. I don't believe this is intentional, but it is what's happening.

I was reminded of this just recently during a focused time of prayer in my church. Daily prayer prompts were sent out to all who wanted to participate. I watched the groups of people to pray for each day come to my inbox . . . kids, youth, seniors, college/university students, marriages.

After seeing all of those come, I waited to see if another would come that was for the segment of the church I fit into was going to come. But, it never did come. 

We moved on to praying for other things.

Every single prayer prompt that landed in my inbox was important. All of them were things I was happy to be reminded to pray for.

But, there was still a bit of a sting. I felt unseen in the prayer prompts. While not intentional, those prayer prompts, once again, pushed single adults to the sidelines. Unless you also fit into the categories of seniors or a college/university student, there was no mention of you.

I don't believe this was intentional. I've written before about the western evangelical church's under-developed theology of singleness (although I'm seeing more good resources written in the recent years) and I think this is a result of that. We've focused on marriage and the value placed on God's standards for marriage - which we've needed to - to the exclusion of other adult realities. Because of that, we don't know how to include single adults in our prayer prompts. In doing so, we've lost sight of a growing segment of those who make up our churches.

Maybe you're reading this, and it's something you'd never thought about before. Or maybe you're reading this and nodding along with what I've written, because you've been in this same space before.

How so we respond when we feel unseen? Whether for these reasons or others.

First, I think we have to start with reminding ourselves that we can't assume it's intentional. More than likely, it's a unintentional.

Second, don't shove down the sting of it. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge what's going on for you.

Finally, we need to speak up. We need to say something. Don't stay quiet. We need the healthy conversations that come from saying something.

A God Who Abundantly Provides

 Do you struggle to trust God to provide for your needs?

Do you worry you won't have what you think you need if you leave it all to God?

It's probably safe to say that we all struggle with this at least sometimes. We're human and we don't always trust God perfectly. It's hard.

I've been reading in John 6 recently and as I did, I was struck by the way provision from God was portrayed.

This chapter starts with the familiar story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with five loaves and two fish. We talk lots about how the small amount of food miraculously fed everyone.

But, I was struck by the words of verse 13 this time:

"So they gathered up the pieces and filled twelve baskets with the pieces left from the five barley loaves."

Not only were all the people fed and satisfied, but there was an abundance of leftovers. Jesus didn't provide just enough barely for people to not be hungry. Everyone had their fill and there were still leftovers.

A little later in the same chapter, Jesus says these words:

"I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to Me will never be hungry and whoever believes in Me will never be thirsty." (verse 35)

In these words, Jesus is offering to satisfy all the needs of the people; they just have to trust Him.

It all sounds so simple, but it's so much more difficult to live.

Why do we struggle with this?

I think it comes down to what we're looking for. We often have a pre-decided picture of what we need. We're looking only for that, and, in doing so, we miss out on everything else God may be doing to provide.

The disciples in the feeding of the 5,000 almost did. They saw only the cost of feeding everyone (verse 7) and the meager offering available (verse 9). The situation seemed impossible for them to solve. Their solution was to send the people away to find food for themselves.

But, Jesus had a different plan in mind. Jesus revealed God as the One who provides for our needs in abundance. But, the disciples had to look beyond what they expected to see it. They had to be willing to see differently.

I wonder if we need to be willing to hold our idea of what God's provision looks like with open hands. If we need to be willing to see God's abundant provision outside what we think it should look like.

Where do you need God to provide?

Are you struggling to trust Him?

Have you pre-decided what God's provision has to look like?

Are you willing to let that go?

How can you practice being open to God's provision looking different than you thought it would?