Including Singles in Our Discussions About Sexuality

 Why is it that all of our conversations about sex & intimacy in the church we talk almost exclusively about marriage?

Statistics show that the number of single adults sitting in our church pews is growing & could be as high as half the people in some settings. So, when we only talk about these topics in relation to marriage, we're actually telling a significant number of people listening the topic doesn't apply to them. We're excluding them, while they're sitting in front of us.

I know I'll get pushback that those words sound harsh. But, they're true & I couldn't think of another way to say it.

When we talk about sex & intimacy exclusively in relation to marriage we're excluding a significant number of people who are sitting right there.

Hear me on this: I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it in marriage. That's an important part of God's design & what Scripture says. We have to make that teaching clear in a world that is confused about it. But, it can't be all we say.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this happens in churches so frequently, because I don't think it's intentional, or something we typically realize. In doing so, I realized that every teaching I've heard on this has come from someone who is married & most of them got married fairly young. All the teaching has been well-studied & clear, but, truthfully, those teaching don't have a frame of reference for what it's like to be single long past when they got married & still have sexual desire, or single again when that wasn't the plan. Nothing against them. Not angry at anyone for that. It's simply a fact that has an influence on the discussion & the teaching they present.

I don't know why I've never heard an older Christian single teach or talk about this. My guess is that we feel a bit uncomfortable with the topic, so we don't talk much about unmet sexual desire in the church. We know there's a problem with our culture's solutions, but we're hesitant to really engage in the conversation because it makes us uncomfortable or embarrassed - or, depending on the messaging around this topic we received growing up, ashamed.

But, I've been feeling for a while that we need to start the conversation. And, in the fall, I was in a setting where my pastor acknowledged the singles in the room & that there were different challenges while talking about this. In the two minutes he took to say something, I felt seen in the conversation. But, I also realized that those of us who have been single longer have to start the conversation.

So, the next handful of posts are going to attempt to start tackling this topic. Not a direction I ever thought I would be going, but it feels necessary.

Christmas Thoughts

 I usually write at least one post about Advent or Christmas each year . . . sometimes more. As Christmas is just one week away, I've been thinking about what I might write this year. It's been hard to figure out.

Not because there's a lack of things I could write about. This is a season with lots of things to think about & powerful Scripture to reflect on. There's an abundance of things I could write about but as I've tried the words felt forced, which is the antithesis of what I write here.

Last weekend, I was part of my church's annual Christmas event. It's always a good weekend, even if busy, for so many reasons. As part of it, people who come through can write a prayer request & hang it on the tree. Then a group I was part of takes time to pray over those requests that night.

As I've reflected on what I read on those tags & on my own experiences, I've realized just how heavy things in this world feel & how much pain & struggle people are carrying. So many of us are tired & carrying heavy burdens of things we or our loved ones are walking through. We're tired.

That makes a season where so much is about joy & happiness overwhelming at times. And the expectations for a perfectly decorated house, a big meal, & the right gifts for everyone under the tree feel like to much. There's already enough going on & we don't need more.

Sometimes the songs that talk about having a "holly, jolly Christmas" or a merry time just feel like too much. It feels so far from what we're actually experiencing.

It me that this is exactly the type of situation Jesus entered into. It wasn't tidy or easy. God's people were facing hardship & they were tired. They were far from merry in their lives. 

And that's where Jesus showed up on earth.

That's where he shows up today too. 

He'll meet us in our "I can't do one more thing" moments.

He'll meet us in it all &just be with us.

He doesn't expect us to be merry or jolly.

He lets us be real.

Maybe this Christmas doesn't look like you planned. Maybe the burden is just too much. Maybe the pain feels like you'll never get through it. Maybe there's people you wish would be around the table who won't be there for myriad reasons.

Invite Jesus in. He meets us in the midst of that if we'll let Him. 

That's how He came to earth the first time.

And it's how He comes with us today.

Untangling

 I didn't intend to write about grief here. I definitely didn't intend for there to be more than one post about it.

But, I've always sought to write here about real life & what I'm wrestling with. So, right now, that means talking about grief here.

At the beginning of this month, I came across the book I didn't know I needed. Grief isn't something new to me. I've journeyed it before. So, I had no intention of reading a book on it. I didn't figure I needed it.

I thought I knew what I was doing & how to get through it.

Then, I was in our local Christian bookstore looking at the new releases. There was a book on grief among them. In the moment I saw it, I felt like I was supposed to get it. So I did - without really checking it out first (a rare thing for me).

When I sat down to start reading it a few days later, I quickly realized it was the book I didn't know I needed. I read it twice in a week & I've gone back to parts of it multiple times since.

The book is written by someone who also lost what they thought was their dream job. Although the specific circumstances were different, there was something about how the book was written that connected things for me & gave me permission to to acknowledge that I was grieving.

The book is Grieve, Breathe, Receive by Steve Carter.

In the middle of the book, I read a quote that helped me understand what was going on.

"This is the thing about grief that few talk about - it unravels us as we untangle it, & we find ourselves grieving the loss over what we thought it would be.

We mourn our preferred future and our separation all at once.

Part of honoring what comes up when change happens is wrestling with how we thought it would be." (page 99)

This is where I made one of the most helpful realizations for my own journey. There's more than one loss with grief (something I wrote about last week).

Carter goes on to say:

"Grief is us saying, 'It's not supposed to be like this.'

But it's even more than that.

It's also the untangling that we must do as we grieve." (page 100)

We're untangling the lost of our planned or preferred future.

We're untangling ourselves from the past.

We're untangling what has happened to other relationships as a result.

And that all takes time. And it's okay that it does.

In the process, we need to allow ourselves the time & space to do so.