Lie #1: Marriage is a Reward for Purity

 Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Raise your hand if you grew up in the church in the 1990s or early 2000s.

This was probably something you heard often. Maybe not the exact words, but in some form. Often not stated directly, but implied in a lot of teaching that came out of purity culture.

Essentially, purity culture was teaching teenagers about the importance of abstinence & saving sex for marriage because it was God's plan. Good things & true things, but if often used shame or fear to control this behaviour. It came with signing pledge cards & "true love waits" rings.

I've written about purity culture in the past (here & here), so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining it all. But, along with the teaching of purity culture came some implied promises that are actually lies.

We were told that staying sexually pure meant God would reward us with marriage & sex would be good. Conversely, we were also told that because sex outside of marriage made you damaged goods, you wouldn't have this. The latter never being explicitly stated, but always there alongside it.

And this has lingered in the things we say & think today, as many of us have become adults.

Can I ask you a question here: where does God promise marriage & good sex to everyone who follows His plan for sexuality in Scripture? 

Can't find it?

That's because it doesn't say that. 

Scripture tells us that there are consequences we'll live with as a result of not following God's plan for our sexuality.

Scripture outlines what God's plan is for our sexuality. But Scripture doesn't say if you follow God's plan in this area, you will be rewarded with a good marriage & sex.

So, can we please stop telling people this?

We need to stop making promises God doesn't make. Both for the sake of the next generation &f or the older singles in our churches. 

When we continue to declare this to people, we can have the consequence of making people feel like there's something wrong with them or they've done something wrong because it hasn't happened for them that way.

I've wrestled with it myself & I've sat with other single Christians who were wrestling with it in their own lives. When people imply this lie is true, it causes unnecessary heartache & pain for people.

 We need to teach God's truth about sex without adding promises to it. Keep it to what God's Word says, & just that.

The Lies We've Been Telling Singles & What We Should Say Instead

 What have you been told about sex, sexual desire, & intimacy?

If you could get past any uncomfortableness you have with talking about these things, what would you say to someone who asked you about it?

What would you say to someone who was single about these topics?

Scripture is abundantly clear on God plan & design for sex & intimacy. However confused our culture is, many within Christianity would agree that God designed sex for one man & one woman within marriage.

Great.

That's a good foundation.

But, we all know there's more to it than that. With this part of us, that God designed when He created us, comes questions & struggles. We have to figure out how to honour God in this area in a culture that doesn't.

So, going back to the questions I opened with; what if I told you that some of your answers were lies? Or, at the very least, overly simplistic answers to complex & honest questions? Especially when it comes to the growing number of older singles in our churches.

I know, some of you are frustrated with me right now. I'm okay with that. This topic is more nuanced that we would like & we need to wrestle with it.

So, what are the lies or simplistic answers we're giving?

Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Lie #2: Sexual desires should be prayed away if you're single.

Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's the unforgivable sin.

Lie #5: Men are visual; so pornography is only a man's problem.

Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or  He will give them a gift of singleness in return.

Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men or women of the opposite sex because it gives the appearance of evil.

Including Singles in Our Discussions About Sexuality

 Why is it that all of our conversations about sex & intimacy in the church we talk almost exclusively about marriage?

Statistics show that the number of single adults sitting in our church pews is growing & could be as high as half the people in some settings. So, when we only talk about these topics in relation to marriage, we're actually telling a significant number of people listening the topic doesn't apply to them. We're excluding them, while they're sitting in front of us.

I know I'll get pushback that those words sound harsh. But, they're true & I couldn't think of another way to say it.

When we talk about sex & intimacy exclusively in relation to marriage we're excluding a significant number of people who are sitting right there.

Hear me on this: I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it in marriage. That's an important part of God's design & what Scripture says. We have to make that teaching clear in a world that is confused about it. But, it can't be all we say.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this happens in churches so frequently, because I don't think it's intentional, or something we typically realize. In doing so, I realized that every teaching I've heard on this has come from someone who is married & most of them got married fairly young. All the teaching has been well-studied & clear, but, truthfully, those teaching don't have a frame of reference for what it's like to be single long past when they got married & still have sexual desire, or single again when that wasn't the plan. Nothing against them. Not angry at anyone for that. It's simply a fact that has an influence on the discussion & the teaching they present.

I don't know why I've never heard an older Christian single teach or talk about this. My guess is that we feel a bit uncomfortable with the topic, so we don't talk much about unmet sexual desire in the church. We know there's a problem with our culture's solutions, but we're hesitant to really engage in the conversation because it makes us uncomfortable or embarrassed - or, depending on the messaging around this topic we received growing up, ashamed.

But, I've been feeling for a while that we need to start the conversation. And, in the fall, I was in a setting where my pastor acknowledged the singles in the room & that there were different challenges while talking about this. In the two minutes he took to say something, I felt seen in the conversation. But, I also realized that those of us who have been single longer have to start the conversation.

So, the next handful of posts are going to attempt to start tackling this topic. Not a direction I ever thought I would be going, but it feels necessary.