Don't Forget the Singles

After weeks of being limited to only those we live with, most of us are beginning to see opportunity to slowly and carefully begin to expand our circles again.

We need this. And we're looking forward to it.

But, even as I look forward to this, I'm also struggling with what has seemed to become an unintended reality of what it may look like.

While the terminology used has been varied depending on who has made the announcement, the point has been that this expansion of circles needs to be done slowly and carefully. And from the conversations I've had and the comments I've read in various places, the understanding of how to do this is just as varied.

One of the most prevalent thoughts I've read has been about this meaning we need to choose one and only one family to add right now. And I understand the thinking about it. Another family, means there are adults for the parents to visit with and kids for the kids to do stuff with. In lots of ways it makes sense.

This is where I'm struggling though. It leaves me wondering where I fit? Where does a single person fit in this expansion of people's circles if it's all focused on families, and having two families that spend time together now?

Here's the thing . . . these last two months, I have spent more time alone than most who are not single. Yes, I know you were at home too. I know you have significant changes in your world. And you've had extensive time with just your family.

But, here's the big difference . . . it was you and your family in your house.

For me . . . in my house, it's been just me. Yes, I went to work - to work in an office by myself most of the time. Then I came home and spent evenings and weekends sitting in my house by myself.

So, forgive me if I'm a little frustrated by all the talk of just making things two families doing things together now. If that's the way we move forward, then this change means absolutely nothing for me. It still means I'm sitting at home alone all the time. It still means the need for community that God has given me is being ignored.

In response, I've had some people tell me that the people I add need to be my family. But, that kind of feels like a double standard. Why does the couple who is married with kids get to add people who aren't family to their circle and I don't?

If the only people you're going to add to your circle right now are your parents and your siblings, then maybe that comment is valid. But, if you're adding friends to your circle, then I'm left wondering why there's a double standard.

In fact, that kind of comment speaks right into the way we far too often treat single people as second-class citizens. There's one standard for families, and a different one for single adults - one that has different, unfair, and unrealistic standards for the single person.

That's not something I'm going to do any more. I've spent dedicated a lot of time on this blog in the last year to speaking about those thoughts, double standards, and challenges.

So, here's my plea: Don't forget the singles in your world right now.

If you stop and think about it, you'll probably be surprised by how many single people are in your world.

I know this is a time when we have to be careful and do things slowly, but don't forget the singles. Look for ways that you can safely include them in this time. Don't leave them sitting on the sidelines wondering why they still have to deal with the double standard.


Note: This is not a place to debate whether or not we should be making these changes. I will remove/edit all comments that try to take things in that direction.

Let's Stop Pretending we Have it All Together All the Time

We all need permission to not have it all together all the time. But, we don't usually feel like we have it.

This post was prompted by a song by a dear friend of mine on this same idea. As I listened to the song on the way home from work today, I was struck by what it said. God was using it to remind me and encourage me about some things I've been struggling with lately.

The truth is that we all need to feel like we have permission to be broken. We need to know it's okay to not be okay, to need each other, to let our brokenness be seen by others.

But, we don't usually operate this way. We try to cover it up, to pretend everything is good.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few days thinking about why we do this.

Why do we try so hard to hide our brokenness?

Why do we work so hard to look like everything is good?

It seems to me that we've gotten our thinking messed up here. We've believed the lie that we have to have it all together. That we have to be okay. That we have to be able to do it all, balance it all. And look good while doing it.

But then I look at Scripture and I see something very different presented. Galatians 6:2 tells us we should carry one another's burdens. We carry one another's burdens if we're busy trying to make it look like we've got it all together. To be able to carry each other's burdens we have to share what they are. And that means letting others know we're broken.

I was reminded of this last weekend. As I sat in my house at church online, I found that I was unable to sing the words to one of the songs. That song was declaring God's goodness. While I still absolutely believe God is goo, I was struggling with that in the moment.

And I realized I hadn't been letting anyone see or hear that struggle for a couple weeks. I had been working hard to present an image of having it all together in every situation, even though I was often barely holding on and getting through. All because I thought that's what I needed to do.

In that moment, I clicked on the option to ask for prayer and told the person who responded about my struggle. I gave myself permission to be broken and to let another person see it. And the response was full of grace and love.

That simple click and choosing to share changed so much.

It didn't instantly change everything to be good.

It didn't remove my struggle.

But, it let light in.

It reminded me I wasn't alone and didn't have to try to do it alone.

In it all, I was reminded of the importance of being honest and allowing our brokenness to be seen. I was reminded of the importance of carrying one another's burdens as Scripture tells us to. Of not just being the one to carry other's burdens, but also allowing others to carry mine.

So, let's stop pretending we have it all together all the time.

Let's give each other space and permission to be broken.

Let's learn to carry one another's burdens - both us carrying them for others and letting others carry ours.

Unexpected Blessings

Yesterday was my birthday. And it looked nothing like I had planned it to look, by no choice of my own.

If I'm honest, I was dreading yesterday. Time away, a visit from a friend, a chance to celebrate . . . all of these were taken away from me due to the current situation in our world. And I wasn't feeling much like celebrating.

I wanted to hide from the world. But, at the same time, I'm also tired of hiding away. All I wanted was for things to be normal and to be able to celebrate with my friends.

It would have been easy to stay stuck in the things I was missing that I wanted. In the things I couldn't do that I had been planning. And that would have made for a long and depressing day.

When I arrived at work yesterday morning and said hi to a coworker, I realized that I still had a choice. Instead of staying stuck in what wasn't, I could choose to look for the good. That coworker turned and very cheerfully wished me a happy birthday. Although it couldn't come with the hug it would have in other years, she reminded me that there was still reason to celebrate.

I wasn't expecting blessings in my birthday in the midst of all the current reality. But, as the day went on, I realized that's exactly what God had in mind.

A favourite coffee delivered. Coworkers finding a way to surprise and celebrate together when we have to keep space between us. Lunch brought to me. Supper made. A favourite cake. Cards from those I love. Facebook messages and texts from friends.

Unexpected blessings in a day I could have easily missed it all. A reminder of where I need to focus. I went into the day seeing only what I had lost, what had been taken away from me.

But, I was reminded to look up. To see what God wanted to show me in the middle of challenge. To see the unexpected blessings God provides.

Can I challenge you to look up? Look for the unexpected blessings God wants to bring your way. Open your eyes to see what God has in store in your day.

I don't always do this well. I forgot this same thing today, and I'm sure I missed things because of it. But, as I write this, I'm challenged again to pay attention and see what God is up to in my day.