Lie #6: God Will Give Marriage or a Gift of Singleness to Everyone

 Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or He'll give them a gift of singleness instead.

I've lost count of the number of times I've had someone promise me that God will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), when I tell them I still want to be married one day. Or 1 John 5:15,

"And we know that if He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that He hears what we asked of Him."

Both of these verses are amazing truths from Scripture. But, in the moment I express a desire to be married one day, they fall short. It spiritualizes an answer to a deep longing, rather than validating it - a classic example of spiritual bypassing.

But, the answer I've received a few times that surprised me was when I was told if I was still single I must have the gift of singleness so I should be happy being single. (I've written about the issues with the idea of a gift of singleness here & here.)

Again, this is a place where we easily make a promise that Scripture doesn't actually say. Throughout Scripture, it talks about how we are being transformed more and more into the image of God. As this happens, our desires do begin to line up more & more with God's will & then He can delight to give us the desires of our hearts.

But, nowhere in Scripture does it promise marriage just because it's something you desire. We all know from life in general that we often don't get everything we desire. So to assume that God will automatically give it to us when it's marriage feels out of place with what we know to be true.

We can learn with desires that aren't fulfilled & still have longings. We don't have to have some sort of special gift of singleness to live as a single person.

The thing we need when we're longing for marriage as a single person or listening to someone else share that longing with us is to sit with each other in it. Not in a wallowing in it & being depressed about it, but in acknowledging the longing & all that goes with it.

Lie #5: Pornography is Only a Man's Problem

Life #5: Men are visual, so pornography is only a man's problem. 

When you hear someone mention pornography from the front, how often do they begin talking about it by addressing the men in the room?

If your experience is like mine, then it's the majority of the time. And, if anything for women is mentioned, it's to do with romance novels only. The most common reason I've heard for why when I've asked about it is because men are visual & women aren't.

At the risk of sharing something I'll later regret posting in a public place. In those six words at the end of the last paragraph, I am pushed to the sidelines - unseen & not understood. I don't fit that stereotype.

So, I'm just going to state it clearly: pornography is a problem for all people. It's not just a problem for men. All of us can fall into it's trap. And reading romance novels or getting caught up in romance movies is not just a woman's thing. We can't use gender to put people in boxes.

I can hear some of the protests I've heard before: But, it's generally true, so it's okay to say that.

I have two responses: First, how do we know that? Are there fact & statistics to back up that claim? Or does it just appear that way because we've always said that so no one will say differently because they don't want to be see as weird?

Second, even if the statistics do say it's more likely to be men, by generalizing we're leaving a group of people who don't fit the stereotype along with no resources & without a place to ask for help.

So, rather than being so specific in our conversations, can we just talk about the problem & create a safe space for all to ask for help to find freedom?

Lie #4: It's Okay, or It's an Unforgivable Sin

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's an unforgivable sin. 

Okay, I really never intended to write about this topic, but you can't address the larger topic of this series without talking about it . . . so, here we go . . .

There seems to be two sides to this one. Neither of them really helpful. In fact, I would say that both are harmful.

On the one hand, I've heard people say that, in the absence of a partner to fulfill sexual desire with, there is only one right choice. On the other, I've heard people say that because it's not exactly as God designed it, it's an unforgivable sin.

Both of these views cause hurt. The both provide an over-simplified answer to the question of how to handle sexual desire. As I wrote in my post on Lie #3, this is a challenging topic & one that makes us uncomfortable.

Let's go back to where I started many of these posts. God created sex & gave us sexual desire. The fact that we have it, is not a sin or something we should seek to remove from our lives.

What we should be doing is seeking to honour God in how we handle it. And that actually means we can't just speak in absolutes about it.

Questions & conversations around this come from a desire to live a life that honours God & we cause harm when we just declare an absolute without acknowledging the real struggle of people.

In my opinion, I don't think either statement is right. They're different sides of the same lie.

I will leave you with this. God's design for our sexuality is clear in Scripture. And we have to wrestle with what it looks like for us to live it out.

While this may not be God's intended plan for how we deal with sexual desire, it also isn't sin that God can't forgive us for. Like all sin, God offers forgiveness when we repent. 

God's forgiveness doesn't give us a license to just do whatever we want. But, it should make us think.

How can I handle this in a way the honours God & live according to God's commands in Scripture?

 As with all things, our handling of sexual desire should be something we're constantly taking to God.

Lie #3: Sexual Desire Has an Easy Solution

 Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

In some ways this could be a continuation of lie #2. They're definitely related, but I think there's some important differences to acknowledge here.

I've had experiences with two answers to any discussion regarding sexual desire in a single person - both answers seem to be designed to shut down the discussion as having a simple solution.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes:

"Now to the unmarried & the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (verses 8-9)

These words have been essentially thrown at me as a solution to a problem, without acknowledging the complexity of it.

Here's the challenge, marriage takes two people. Hopefully, two people who are seeking to live according to God's plan. That means it's not just as simple as telling someone to get married to solve the problem of their sexual desire. We don't have to look far to realize that "solution" doesn't work; if it did, we wouldn't see the problems we see in marriage.

Yes, Paul tells us that marriage is a place where sexual desire can be met. But, when we look at the larger context of what he is saying there's more going on here. He was valuing singleness & living out God's plan in that. While, at the same time, he was acknowledging there's a struggle with singleness & sexual desire.

The other words that have been thrown my way in this come from Isaiah 54:5,

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer."

The implication with this one, & sometimes the words that go along with it, are that if Jesus is my husband, than I shouldn't struggle with this. I should be able to have all of my desires completely satisfied in Jesus, & shouldn't need anything else.

Yes, we should all be seeking to be satisfied in God. But, there is still something different in having a person who you can actually see & be with.

Instead, we need to acknowledge this is a complex situation, without a simple solution. And sometimes, it's a very painful reality for those of us who are single. When we desire to live according to God's plan for our sexuality as a single person, that means that sexual desire is something we still have, but we don't have an obvious way to deal with it in accordance with God's plan. 

So, as with so much of what I've been writing, we need to actually practice honouring & sitting with the uncomfortableness of all of this, instead of looking for quick solutions to throw at someone.

We Need Both - Studying the Bible Deeply & Following the Promptings of the Holy Spirit

 I had someone ask me a few months back if they could go to Bible college and still have a life led by the Holy Spirit afterward.

I was curious about why they were asking me this.

They had been told by someone in a different conversation that going to Bible college and studying the Bible & theology that way would mean they would just have an intellectual belief. And they would no longer be able to hear or follow the Holy Spirit in their life.

I immediately answered no to their original question. I know from personal experience that you can take the time to study the Bible & theology deeply and still live a Spirit-led life. The two are not mutually exclusive. 

In fact, I would argue that the two are vitally linked together. 

When we study Scripture deeply, we learn to more easily recognize the promptings of the Holy Spirit. And as follow & respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, our study of Scripture is further illuminated.

This is something that became very clear to me in the two years that I spent at Bible college myself. And, I will always tell people that it was the best decision I made for my own spiritual journey. And encourage them to consider it for themselves.

There are so many things I learned in my two years at Briercrest College, that have changed my spiritual walk. And they happened both in the classroom as we dug deeply into Scripture, in the discussions that happened in my business classes there, & in the interactions that happened in the dorm or the cafeteria or many other places.

I come back to this story often when I talk about my time at Briercrest. It was something incredibly simple that has had an impact on me - even now, 19 - 1/2 years after it happened.

I started my post-secondary education at a college in my hometown. I enrolled in the business program & spent two years studying business. After that, I made the decision to transfer to Briercrest.

On my first day, as I checked in at registration I had only a few minutes of interaction with one of the professors - someone who was meeting many people for the first time that day. The following week, I ran into this same professor in the hallway & he stopped to ask me by name how my first week was going.

In those few minutes, I realized how different the experience at Briercrest was. There were professors at my last school who had taught multiple of my classes in the two years prior who would not have recognized me outside of the classroom, let alone known my name. Yet, this professor, who wasn't even teaching one of the classes I was taking, remembered my name from a busy registration day.

Something about that interaction made me realize just how important my time at Briercrest would be. Not only was I going to learn academically, I was going to learn in community that really cared & walked it out together.

Alongside reading commentaries & theology books, I learned how to pray. 

Alongside writing papers, I learned to live in real community.

Alongside learning about the historical context where the Bible was written, I learned how to hear God's voice.

Alongside digging into the original language of Scripture, I was challenged to live a life of obedience to God & what He was asking me to do.

Looking back, almost 20 years since I graduated, I still see the time I spent at Briercrest as one the best decisions I made in my life. I wouldn't trade those two years for anything - not one minute of them. Even as this BC born & raised girl, watched the chapel building for this school on the prairies come into view for way longer than I was used to seeing things approach, who had no idea what was going to come, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And I will always tell anyone who asks, if you have the chance to go . . . GO! There isn't a better choice you could make for your walk with God.

Lie #2: Singles Should Pray Away Sexual Desire

 Lie #2: Sexual desire should be prayed away if you are single.

Think for a moment about the sermons & other teaching you've heard on handling sexuality. How many of them have said anything about handling sexual desire? How many of them that did gave the only solutions as either asking God to remove it, or going to your spouse to meet it?

I'm not saying that either of those things are wrong or sinful suggestions. Just that they're woefully incomplete - especially for single adutls.

God created us as sexual beings. That means He's the One who gave us sexual desires. He created them. Prior to the fall, they were uncorrupted & could be fully met in marriage as He intended.

But, like everything else, when sin entered the world these desires were corrupted. And we see the evidence of that in our world today.

So, how do we present a better solution as a way to handle sexual desires - especially when we're speaking to singles?

Prayer is a good solution. But praying for God to take remove the desire isn't the answer. It's part of how God created us. A better solution is to take the desire to God in prayer - asking for His help to manage it. And this applies to all of us, whether married or single. Be honest about the struggle with Him. It won't remove it, but it will help us get through it. I've had many times when that is the only way I was able to manage things.

A final word to those who may have a single person in their life who trusts them enough & is desperate enough in this area to be honest with you about a struggle with sexual desire they can't fulfill in living according to God's Word:

don't push the honesty away because you're uncomfortable.

Don't give some words about being satisfied in God being enough (because it's not the same). Just sit with them & care. Acknowledge they admitted to a struggle. Be willing to admit that you don't have an answer or a solution for them. Even if you don't get their struggle, you can still care & sometimes that means more than anything else could.

Can we stop telling people - all people, whether married or single - that the solution to sexual desire is their spouse or asking God to remove the desire He gave us?

Lie #1: Marriage is a Reward for Purity

 Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Raise your hand if you grew up in the church in the 1990s or early 2000s.

This was probably something you heard often. Maybe not the exact words, but in some form. Often not stated directly, but implied in a lot of teaching that came out of purity culture.

Essentially, purity culture was teaching teenagers about the importance of abstinence & saving sex for marriage because it was God's plan. Good things & true things, but if often used shame or fear to control this behaviour. It came with signing pledge cards & "true love waits" rings.

I've written about purity culture in the past (here & here), so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining it all. But, along with the teaching of purity culture came some implied promises that are actually lies.

We were told that staying sexually pure meant God would reward us with marriage & sex would be good. Conversely, we were also told that because sex outside of marriage made you damaged goods, you wouldn't have this. The latter never being explicitly stated, but always there alongside it.

And this has lingered in the things we say & think today, as many of us have become adults.

Can I ask you a question here: where does God promise marriage & good sex to everyone who follows His plan for sexuality in Scripture? 

Can't find it?

That's because it doesn't say that. 

Scripture tells us that there are consequences we'll live with as a result of not following God's plan for our sexuality.

Scripture outlines what God's plan is for our sexuality. But Scripture doesn't say if you follow God's plan in this area, you will be rewarded with a good marriage & sex.

So, can we please stop telling people this?

We need to stop making promises God doesn't make. Both for the sake of the next generation &f or the older singles in our churches. 

When we continue to declare this to people, we can have the consequence of making people feel like there's something wrong with them or they've done something wrong because it hasn't happened for them that way.

I've wrestled with it myself & I've sat with other single Christians who were wrestling with it in their own lives. When people imply this lie is true, it causes unnecessary heartache & pain for people.

 We need to teach God's truth about sex without adding promises to it. Keep it to what God's Word says, & just that.

The Lies We've Been Telling Singles & What We Should Say Instead

 What have you been told about sex, sexual desire, & intimacy?

If you could get past any uncomfortableness you have with talking about these things, what would you say to someone who asked you about it?

What would you say to someone who was single about these topics?

Scripture is abundantly clear on God plan & design for sex & intimacy. However confused our culture is, many within Christianity would agree that God designed sex for one man & one woman within marriage.

Great.

That's a good foundation.

But, we all know there's more to it than that. With this part of us, that God designed when He created us, comes questions & struggles. We have to figure out how to honour God in this area in a culture that doesn't.

So, going back to the questions I opened with; what if I told you that some of your answers were lies? Or, at the very least, overly simplistic answers to complex & honest questions? Especially when it comes to the growing number of older singles in our churches.

I know, some of you are frustrated with me right now. I'm okay with that. This topic is more nuanced that we would like & we need to wrestle with it.

So, what are the lies or simplistic answers we're giving?

Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Lie #2: Sexual desires should be prayed away if you're single.

Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's the unforgivable sin.

Lie #5: Men are visual; so pornography is only a man's problem.

Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or  He will give them a gift of singleness in return.

Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men or women of the opposite sex because it gives the appearance of evil.

Including Singles in Our Discussions About Sexuality

 Why is it that all of our conversations about sex & intimacy in the church we talk almost exclusively about marriage?

Statistics show that the number of single adults sitting in our church pews is growing & could be as high as half the people in some settings. So, when we only talk about these topics in relation to marriage, we're actually telling a significant number of people listening the topic doesn't apply to them. We're excluding them, while they're sitting in front of us.

I know I'll get pushback that those words sound harsh. But, they're true & I couldn't think of another way to say it.

When we talk about sex & intimacy exclusively in relation to marriage we're excluding a significant number of people who are sitting right there.

Hear me on this: I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it in marriage. That's an important part of God's design & what Scripture says. We have to make that teaching clear in a world that is confused about it. But, it can't be all we say.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this happens in churches so frequently, because I don't think it's intentional, or something we typically realize. In doing so, I realized that every teaching I've heard on this has come from someone who is married & most of them got married fairly young. All the teaching has been well-studied & clear, but, truthfully, those teaching don't have a frame of reference for what it's like to be single long past when they got married & still have sexual desire, or single again when that wasn't the plan. Nothing against them. Not angry at anyone for that. It's simply a fact that has an influence on the discussion & the teaching they present.

I don't know why I've never heard an older Christian single teach or talk about this. My guess is that we feel a bit uncomfortable with the topic, so we don't talk much about unmet sexual desire in the church. We know there's a problem with our culture's solutions, but we're hesitant to really engage in the conversation because it makes us uncomfortable or embarrassed - or, depending on the messaging around this topic we received growing up, ashamed.

But, I've been feeling for a while that we need to start the conversation. And, in the fall, I was in a setting where my pastor acknowledged the singles in the room & that there were different challenges while talking about this. In the two minutes he took to say something, I felt seen in the conversation. But, I also realized that those of us who have been single longer have to start the conversation.

So, the next handful of posts are going to attempt to start tackling this topic. Not a direction I ever thought I would be going, but it feels necessary.