"When you are going to get married?"
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"Are you looking to get married?"
I get these questions, or some form of them, through out the year from a variety of well-meaning of people. But, for some reason, the frequency increases at this time of year. I'm not sure why people feel an increased need to ask these questions at this time of year, but they do.
For a long time, these questions frustrated me and even made me mad sometimes. I often tried to shut down the conversation that included these questions as quickly as possible so I could escape. The truth was, the question often hurt too and I wanted to escape the pain.
It's not that those who ask these questions are trying to hurt to me. For almost all of them, I know they truly love me and want the best for me. But, that doesn't change the fact that constantly being asked hurts.
Why does it hurt? Where is the pain coming from?
As I've taken time to reflect, I've realized that it's not about the question. It's not about the person asking the question.
It's about the unspoken implication behind the question. That's what hurts.
Whether it's something the asker is conscious of or not, the question implies that my life is incomplete if I'm still single. And that my focus as a single person should be finding someone to marry. I'm left feeling like none of the other things in my life, that I love and that God has given me to do, matter as much as this one thing.
Now, some reading this might think I'm taking that too far, but I would say I'm not. Let me explain.
Think of someone in your life who you don't see all the time - more than once a year, but not a weekly, or even monthly basis. Now think of something in your life that you really desire (a God-honouring desire) that seems to always be just outside your reach. Picture that every time you see this person, the first question, and sometimes the only question, they ask is about this desire and why you don't have it yet. How do you begin to react to that over time? How does that leave you feeling?
That's what being asked the questions I opened this post with is like.
What I do have, and anyone has, is a choice in how to respond. You can choose to shut down and escape the conversation to try to avoid feeling the hurt as I have often done. But, maybe there is a better way.
Like so many things, we actually have to begin with acknowledging that it hurts. Once I realized the hurt, I was able to change how I handled the situation.
How I respond really depends on the kind of relationship I have with the person asking. Some, I can be very direct with and explain the truth of how their question lands with me. Some, it's just a quick answer and moving on. And some, it's just not worth going there - not that I'm rude, but I end the conversation pretty quickly.
So, my advice to those who have single adults in their circles, don't continually ask them these questions. Don't bring it up around the table at family dinner and put them on the spot in front of the rest of the family. Don't ask only about whether they're married or not.
What to do? Talk about all parts of life. If you are wondering and do ask, make sure it's not the only thing you talk about in conversation with them. Respect the person if they clearly don't want to talk about it - don't push the issue. Get to know them as a whole person - not just about their marital status.
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Navigating Christmas Parties Alone
December is here.
And with it comes Christmas parties, family gatherings, New Year's parties, and many other gatherings. Lots of it is fun and joyful.
But, as a single adult, it also brings some different challenges, or maybe just highlights some existing challenges that seem to fade into the background the other eleven months of the year.
As I was thinking about what I was going to write about over this season, I had a lot of ideas about where I could go with things. But, the one that kept rising to the surface was talking about some of these challenges. I've been writing about singles in the church for a while, so this seemed a fitting direction to go for this Christmas season.
The first challenge I'm going to talk about . . . going alone to Christmas parties, especially work ones.
From January to November, I can go to work gatherings of all kinds on my own and it doesn't seem to be an issue. But, the work Christmas party in December always seems to be different somehow.
It starts with the invite: "You and your spouse/significant other are invited . . ." Right away, I know I'm going alone. Other work gatherings throughout the year will say: "you and a guest are invited" but not the Christmas party. For some reason this ones seems to specify couples only, so I know I'm going alone.
Then comes the arrival at the party and finding a seat. Honestly, this is my least favourite part. All the tables are set up to be filled by couples with an even number of seats, so when I take a seat I'm messing that up. And there's always the thought in the back of my mind that worries about messing things up for the people that arrive after me. If the room is already filling up, then there can even be unspoken, yet clearly there, pressure for the single people not to take a seat until all the couples have.
And finally, there's the small talk at the table as you meet you co-worker's spouses - either for the first time or as a re-introduction. Answering the question of whether you're with someone or not endlessly, or at least it feels like it's endlessly. We identify ourselves by this questions so often we ask it of most people we meet and have any length of conversation with. There's nothing wrong this question, but it does somehow feel more painful to answer at a Christmas party than at other social gatherings.
Now we've made it to dinner and hopefully most or all of the awkwardness of going single to the work Christmas party is over. Although I have been in situations where it's not yet over - thankfully those times are quite rare.
So, how can single people prepare for going alone to the work Christmas party?
Be honest with yourself about you feel. Then choose to go and have a good time no matter what.
How can everyone at a Christmas party make it less awkward for those coming alone?
The first and probably the one thing that makes a big difference: If at all possible, don't set up the room so that all the tables have exactly the same number of seats at them with just barely enough seats for everyone. Leave space for those coming alone to not worry they're making a couple sit separated from one another when they choose their seat.
Second, when your co-worker who is coming alone joins your table, make the conversation about more than just marriage and include them in the conversation intentionally.
Finally, if you're involved in planning activities or games for the party, please avoid things that put people into couples for it. Even if I'm with another single co-worker and we pair up for it, it's still going to obvious that we're not a couple. Yes, I've had this one happen once. After a few minutes, there was an exodus of those who were single from the room - and it felt like no one noticed us.
It really comes down to something I've said often in my recent posts, it's about having grace for one another on both sides and seeking to understand as best you can.
And with it comes Christmas parties, family gatherings, New Year's parties, and many other gatherings. Lots of it is fun and joyful.
But, as a single adult, it also brings some different challenges, or maybe just highlights some existing challenges that seem to fade into the background the other eleven months of the year.
As I was thinking about what I was going to write about over this season, I had a lot of ideas about where I could go with things. But, the one that kept rising to the surface was talking about some of these challenges. I've been writing about singles in the church for a while, so this seemed a fitting direction to go for this Christmas season.
The first challenge I'm going to talk about . . . going alone to Christmas parties, especially work ones.
From January to November, I can go to work gatherings of all kinds on my own and it doesn't seem to be an issue. But, the work Christmas party in December always seems to be different somehow.
It starts with the invite: "You and your spouse/significant other are invited . . ." Right away, I know I'm going alone. Other work gatherings throughout the year will say: "you and a guest are invited" but not the Christmas party. For some reason this ones seems to specify couples only, so I know I'm going alone.
Then comes the arrival at the party and finding a seat. Honestly, this is my least favourite part. All the tables are set up to be filled by couples with an even number of seats, so when I take a seat I'm messing that up. And there's always the thought in the back of my mind that worries about messing things up for the people that arrive after me. If the room is already filling up, then there can even be unspoken, yet clearly there, pressure for the single people not to take a seat until all the couples have.
And finally, there's the small talk at the table as you meet you co-worker's spouses - either for the first time or as a re-introduction. Answering the question of whether you're with someone or not endlessly, or at least it feels like it's endlessly. We identify ourselves by this questions so often we ask it of most people we meet and have any length of conversation with. There's nothing wrong this question, but it does somehow feel more painful to answer at a Christmas party than at other social gatherings.
Now we've made it to dinner and hopefully most or all of the awkwardness of going single to the work Christmas party is over. Although I have been in situations where it's not yet over - thankfully those times are quite rare.
So, how can single people prepare for going alone to the work Christmas party?
Be honest with yourself about you feel. Then choose to go and have a good time no matter what.
How can everyone at a Christmas party make it less awkward for those coming alone?
The first and probably the one thing that makes a big difference: If at all possible, don't set up the room so that all the tables have exactly the same number of seats at them with just barely enough seats for everyone. Leave space for those coming alone to not worry they're making a couple sit separated from one another when they choose their seat.
Second, when your co-worker who is coming alone joins your table, make the conversation about more than just marriage and include them in the conversation intentionally.
Finally, if you're involved in planning activities or games for the party, please avoid things that put people into couples for it. Even if I'm with another single co-worker and we pair up for it, it's still going to obvious that we're not a couple. Yes, I've had this one happen once. After a few minutes, there was an exodus of those who were single from the room - and it felt like no one noticed us.
It really comes down to something I've said often in my recent posts, it's about having grace for one another on both sides and seeking to understand as best you can.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Beyond the Categories we Use
"What if we in the church saw each other not as people in different categories from us but as fellow human beings with needs - basic needs like comfort, affirmation, and encouragement - we could help fulfill? What would our lives and churches look like then?"
(Gina Dalfonzo, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church)
These questions challenged me to think and to dream in the couple of months since I finished this book.
What would it look like if we did this well?
Or, even if we attempted to do this and stumbled along the way?
So often it's easy to draw lines around age or marital status and segregate people into groups based on this. And there is space for this . . . sometimes!
But, I think that, overwhelmingly, we need to crossing those line and forming relationships with people who aren't just like us.
It takes work.
It takes grace.
It takes being willing to have sometimes difficult conversations.
Most importantly, it takes time and being willing to listen. Rather than make assumptions about what people need, want, or feel, we need to stop and listen to what they're saying and then respond the best way we know how. This take investment - it requires time and our energy.
But the rewards are big. Our world grows.
And we often find friends in those places we least expected to.
One of the biggest reasons I've heard for why people only want friends who are just like them if that other people don't understand what it's like if their lives are different. But, as Gina Dalfonzo writes, speaking specifically of friendship between married people and single people:
A little later in her book, Dalfonzo writes:
I'm really glad for the friends I have who get things without me having to explain it - the friends who understand easily. I've written about the need for this recently. We need that.
But, just as much, I appreciate the friends I have whose lives on the surface look very different from mine. I need them too. Often their perspective on things is different and it helps me see what I've missed.
When we draw lines based on surface things to separate, we miss out on this. And when all our friends are the same as us, we also miss out on the beauty of having people who do truly understand. If that's all we know, we don't place the same value on it. We need both friends who understand because their lives are quite similar and friends who don't the same way because their lives are different.
(Gina Dalfonzo, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church)
These questions challenged me to think and to dream in the couple of months since I finished this book.
What would it look like if we did this well?
Or, even if we attempted to do this and stumbled along the way?
So often it's easy to draw lines around age or marital status and segregate people into groups based on this. And there is space for this . . . sometimes!
But, I think that, overwhelmingly, we need to crossing those line and forming relationships with people who aren't just like us.
It takes work.
It takes grace.
It takes being willing to have sometimes difficult conversations.
Most importantly, it takes time and being willing to listen. Rather than make assumptions about what people need, want, or feel, we need to stop and listen to what they're saying and then respond the best way we know how. This take investment - it requires time and our energy.
But the rewards are big. Our world grows.
And we often find friends in those places we least expected to.
One of the biggest reasons I've heard for why people only want friends who are just like them if that other people don't understand what it's like if their lives are different. But, as Gina Dalfonzo writes, speaking specifically of friendship between married people and single people:
"You don't have to understand everything your single friends are going through. The truth is, you can't fully understand it, any more than they can understand what you're going through . . . Yet, that doesn't mean you can't be friends." (One by One)Being able to completely understand everything isn't a requirement for friendship.
A little later in her book, Dalfonzo writes:
"To be thoroughly understood, to talk with someone who's been where you are and really gets it, is a wonderful and valuable thing. But it's not a necessary element of friendship, or even of kindness and respect. . . . We need people in our lives who understand us. . . . But we also need people who are coming from different backgrounds, stages of life, and points of view. We need these people to help us broaden our perspective, look at life from different angles, and get out of our comfortable shell. And they need us too." (One by One)
I'm really glad for the friends I have who get things without me having to explain it - the friends who understand easily. I've written about the need for this recently. We need that.
But, just as much, I appreciate the friends I have whose lives on the surface look very different from mine. I need them too. Often their perspective on things is different and it helps me see what I've missed.
When we draw lines based on surface things to separate, we miss out on this. And when all our friends are the same as us, we also miss out on the beauty of having people who do truly understand. If that's all we know, we don't place the same value on it. We need both friends who understand because their lives are quite similar and friends who don't the same way because their lives are different.
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