Wrestling with the Struggle

Last week I posted on Facebook about being single and still having that desire for marriage - even when I enjoy my life right now. I had no idea what the response would be  and I was a little overwhelmed by the way so many responded.

Those thoughts have not been far away since then. Every time I open Facebook, I'm reminded. I've lost count of the number of friends and family who have been posting about anniversaries in the last few weeks. It seems like I'm writing a happy anniversary message multiple times a day. And most of them are for ten, twenty, twenty-five years together.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's been hard. And that I've wanted to avoid seeing another post on someone's anniversary.

I'm happy for my friends and family whose marriages have reached those milestones. I want that to be celebrated for and with them.

But, it's also a constant reminder I don't have that in my life. I'm being continually reminded that I'm still single, despite a desire for marriage, long past when most of my friends and family were.

So, what do I do in times like this?

Secondly, as friends and family, what can you do?

The first question - what do I do? It has to start with admitting this is how I feel, this is my struggle. And taking it to God. I don't have the ability to change this all on my own, so that's what I can do.

For many of you reading this, the second question is maybe more applicable.

As friends and family, what can you?

I'm actually going to start the answer with things you shouldn't do:

• Don't quote the verse in Isaiah about God being a husband to me. It's hurtful. It's theologically suspect to make it about an individual. And it doesn't encourage me. I wrote a post specifically on this verse and using it in this context 7 years ago (almost to the day) that you can read here.
• Don't try to tell me I have the gift of singleness. I don't. I've also written more about this - you can find those posts here.
• Don't give me advice on what you think I should so to get married or tell me how something specific worked for someone else you know. I'm not looking for that when I say these things. You can read more about this topic specifically here and here.
• Don't make my longing for marriage out to be wrong or an idol. That hurts, a lot - something I talk more about here.

Now, what can you do?

Listen.

Care.

Pray.

It's that simple . . .

. . . And that hard to do.

Listen. Be a safe place for me to admit the struggle. Not so you can get to your words, but just to let me talk about it somewhere.

Care. Even if you don't understand exactly, you know what it's like to struggle and how you want someone to care about your struggles without immediately giving advice or trying to fix it.

Pray. As I wrestle with this desire that doesn't seem to be being met. This is the best support you could give me.

Brave?

Brave.

I see that word from almost everywhere in my house. It's written on the chalkboard hanging by my reading chair.

Brave.

The word God gave for 2020 in January.

I've struggled with seeing that word written there for the last few months. I definitely haven't felt brave - at least no according to what I've always thought of as brave. I mostly feel like it's just been taking everything I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That hardly feels like what comes to mind when I think of the word brave.

A few days ago, I decided to look up what the word actually meant. To see if my thoughts were correct. I was both surprised and encouraged by what I found.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives a few different definitions, depending on whether you're using it as an adjective, verb, or noun. They're all related though.

Adjective - having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty: having or showing courage

Verb - to face or endure with courage

Noun - one with mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty

 

So my thoughts of brave referring to someone who boldly steps into danger weren't wrong, but they were incomplete. Brave doesn't only mean that. Sometimes it can mean just keeping going and moving forward in the face of fear, anxiety, or uncertainty. 

As I dug into how the word brave is used in Scripture, I was challenged in my understanding of the word. Depending on the translation you uses, the same word is sometimes rendered as brave and sometimes as courage or courageous.

I noticed on important thing that changed everything for me. In the majority of uses I could find, this word was used in reference to trusting in God, to depending on Him.

"Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help." (Psalm 27:14, NCV)

"I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33, NCV)

"On the day I called to you, you answered me. You made me strong and brave. (Psalm 138:3, NCV)

*see also Psalm 31:24, Joshua 1:7-9, 10:25, Deuteronomy 31:6-7, 1 Thessalonians 2:2

I used the NCV (New Century Version) for this as it specifically uses the word brave - in most of these verses, the NIV uses the word courage or courageous.

This is how Scripture defines brave.

Dependence on God. Trust in God.

Seeing the word brave as I go through my day doesn't feel so out of place anymore.

We Need More than Nice Words on a Sign

"Worry ends where faith begins"

"Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles; they empty today of its joy"

"Faith means you have peace, even when the world doesn't have peace"

These are words I've read regularly on a couple of church signs I drive by. They've said the same things since sometime in March.

At first, I read them and moved on. But the longer I see them, the more frustrated I've become with the message.

They're good sounding words. They should like they could be encouraging in an uncertain time. There's even a bit of truth to what they say.

But even those thoughts reveal the problem with them. Yes, they sound good. But, if you're actually struggling with worry, fear, anxiety, they've not encouraging words. They sound like a platitude - you just have to have more faith.

Is the message on these signs in line with Scripture?

Yes. A quick reading would say that.

But, I would also say no. I think that's why, over time, these messages have begun to frustrate me. 

What do I mean?

Yes, Scripture tells us not to worry. And Scripture encourages us to have faith.

No, because Scripture also acknowledges the struggle with worry, fear, anxiety and gives us a whole lot more than just an admonishment to have more faith. Scripture doesn't set worry and faith as opposites - even though we like to do that.

Let's take a look at some of what Scripture actually says.

One of the most commonly quoted Scriptures is Matthew 6:25-34. Jesus' teaching on worry in Sermon on the Mount. We're clearly told not to worry. Jesus makes the futility of worry pretty clear here. He also tells us to choose to seek God first in our lives instead.

But, what we're not told is significant here. We're not told that worry means we don't have faith. Jesus tells us not to worry and He tells us to seek God first, but this passage doesn't say that worry, fear, anxiety negates faith. I would argue that to seek God first instead of staying stuck in worry, fear, anxiety, means you have some measure of faith to begin with - even though you also have worry, fear, anxiety.

We like to use Philippians 4:6-7 in these discussions as well. In these verses, Paul tells us to go to God with our worries, fears, anxieties. We're told to tell them to God so we can experience His peace. If those worries, fears, anxieties mean we don't have faith, why would our response be prayer? That makes no sense.

In 1 Peter 5:7 we're told to "cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Again, if those anxieties, fears, worries mean you have no faith, why would you cast them on Jesus? To choose to cast them on Jesus, you would need to believe that He cares about you and wants to know.

We can worry about things and still have faith. If worry, fear, anxiety is the antithesis of faith, it would be hard for many of us to have faith. Who hasn't worried sometimes? Who hasn't dealt with fear over certain things? Who hasn't had anxieties?

I believe it all comes down to what we do with our worries, fears, anxieties. We can have them alongside faith, if we're choosing to take our worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus.

Carrying our worries, fears, anxieties on our own will cause us to miss out on what's going on in the moment. But it's not as simple as telling someone that. Sometimes we might need to help them take their worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus.

That's something I'm grateful for a friend doing for me recently. I was struggling with all that's going on and the worry, fear, anxiety it has brought to my life. After seeing me in an inline meeting where I wasa struggling to hold it together, this friend phoned me.

She listened, pointed me to the truth of Scripture, and prayed for me on the phone. In doing so, she helped me take my worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus and leave them there, because I had faith that He could take them and carry them better than I could.

I didn't need church signs with good sounding words on them to help me with my worry, fear, anxiety. I didn't need to be told to just have more faith. I needed to be reminded that I have a place I can take my worry, fear, anxiety. And I needed a friend to remind me that I still had faith.

So, maybe, rather than looking for good sounding words, we can instead help one another walk out the faith we already have when we're struggling.