How do we Change our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 If our one-size-fits-all rules cause harm, what should we do instead?

How do we approach these interactions appropriately and in ways that aren't open to misinterpretations?

This is already an area with lots of grey and lots that can go wrong if we're not careful. This is why we like lists of what we can do and can't do to be so clear. It's how we attempt to deal with the grey areas and keep ourselves from the potential of any trouble.

This feels like something I'm not qualified to address. Except I opened up this issue. If I'm going to argue that we need to change things here, then it's only realistic that I offer some thoughts though. 

So, here goes my attempt at an answer . . .

We have to begin with changing our understanding of intimacy and physical touch. It's easy to look at our culture and see the way we have sexualized everything.

"We are so sexualized in our culture that we cannot divorce erotic touch from faithful ministering touch with those between whom there is no physical attraction." (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

It doesn't take long to see this in culture. A simple look at advertising tells us this. Or listening to some of the popular music. Or watching just a few minutes to TV.

But, it's not just society.

We've done the same thing inside the church. 

It's why we can't hug someone of the opposite sex without people wondering. It's why we go to great lengths to avoid anything where we might be close with someone of the opposite sex.

And we start this sexualized thinking when we're young. It's in the messages on modesty where girls are told to make sure their clothes don't reveal too much because they don't want to cause the guys to stumble. A message that ultimately tells the girls they're sexual objects to guys. And guys that they're not responsible for their thoughts if a girl's clothing isn't modest enough.

Yes, we should be teaching modesty and care for our brothers and sisters in the church. That's vital to how community works. It's not the principles behind this teaching that we to change. Those are true.

My argument is that we need to change the reasons why we teach the principles. The focus needs to be on honouring God with our lives and our choices, not on making us responsible for the choices of another person.

If we're going to change our one-size-fits-all rules, we have to start with changing the way we view physical touch. It's ingrained in us to view almost all physical touch and intimacy through a sexual lens. But, that limits and constrains us.

If we were to remove that lens, how might our rules change?

What About our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 What if I told you that some of the rules - both spoken and unspoken - that we have in our churches around interactions with and physical touch between men and women actually caused harm to some people in our churches?

What is your gut response to that claim?

Because that's the premise of what I'm writing today.

I've struggled with how to write this post. What words to use. How strong to come across. Because, I've probably offended some of you already. 

And, not that long ago, when someone said that to me, I was offended too. Until I took the time to actually think about it and relate it to my own experiences. That's when I realized that caused harm is exactly the right phrase to use. 

I believe our rules were put in place with the best of intentions. And many of them make a lot of sense on paper - but only on paper. Especially in light of the sex-crazed society we live in, where accusations - some true and some not - and sin in this area abounds. With all of this, blanket rules feel safest and clearest. The easiest way to prevent misinterpretations of actions or words.

I get it. I understand why all these blanket rules exist. But, that doesn't change the fact that they also cause harm to some people who are on the receiving end of the results of these rules.

When we think about the fact that no two people have the same story, it makes sense that blanket rules wouldn't work. And that makes this even more confusing and complicated.

Before, I go any further, let me be clear: I'm not advocating for the removal of all rules or boundaries. I'm not saying we shouldn't have any rules. I'm saying we maybe need to look at our rules and maybe the hard and fast rules need a little bit of room.

As Lore Ferguson Wilbert puts it in her book Handle With Care:

"In all my years of being in church, it was common to hear placid and stale counsel regarding touch, Always dos or never dos. But none of this takes into account the variety of stories the people of God carry with them - no two stories are alike, no two people are alike, therefore no touches are alike in their giving and receiving. This makes it an infinitely complicated issue."

One of these complications comes from something I've written about a lot here. Being single.

A little further on in her book, Wilbert puts it better than I could:

"Singleness can be a lonely place. And its lonely edges, for many, show up most often around touch and the lack of it. This is when most people feel their singleness most potently."

I've written about this feeling in previous posts. And it's probably something being felt even more acutely in this time.

But, don't think this is something unique to living through a global pandemic. Wilbert wrote her words long before we were in the middle of a pandemic and it's been true a lot longer than this. This feeling may be exacerbated in this time, but it's always been true.

So, getting back to my claim that our rules cause harm to some people. There's one group that I can talk about. What some of these rules play out like as a single person in the church.

As I thought about how to explain this, the clearest way seemed to be to try to put you in my shoes in a couple of common scenarios. Give you an inside look at what goes on in my head - much of it as a result of our one-size-fits-all rules.

Scenario 1

You see a friend at church you haven't seen in a long time because they're no longer living where you are. They're back for a visit. The challenge . . . he's a married man and you're a single woman. Even though you both know his wife would be okay with it and she's standing right there with him, there's a hesitation as you approach each other and evaluate if a quick hug will be okay with those around you. 

The rules say that hug is inappropriate. That's what you've heard since youth at church. And that's what the looks of most of those who see this tell you. Even if no one says a word about it. But, in any other place, there would be no hesitation to greet each other with a hug - and not an awkward side-hug, an actual hug.

Scenario 2

This one doesn't deal specifically with physical touch, but it relates to the same rules I'm talking about. 

You arrive at church and head for where you usually sit with friends. He is seated already, but she isn't - you haven't seen her yet so you don't even know if she's there and will be coming to sit down. You wonder if you should sit down yet. Or maybe it would be better to just drop your stuff off and go find someone to talk to for now.

You've heard the comments before about a single woman sitting near a married man - even when you stay an appropriate distance away. Even worse if you have a conversation with him while his wife isn't there as well. All this despite the fact that you know, she would be just fine with you taking a seat and having a conversation with her husband before church started, in the public space you're in at the moment.

Now, reading those two examples, thing may seem a little extreme. It might seem a little "out there." Honestly, it was an interesting experience to actually write down the thoughts that go through my head in those situations. Those are just two examples of more I could give with enough time.

But, I hope that those examples give a little bit of insight into how some of our one-size-fits-all rules can cause harm. That kind of thinking I describe, that's what is constantly going through my head in every interaction - especially in settings where these rules have been deemed to apply.

The Hard, the Messy, & the Broken

 As this is Christmas week, it seems fitting to take a few moments to stop and reflect on the Christmas story (I'll be back to my series I'm in the middle of in the new year.)

I opened my Bible to Matthew's record it only a few minutes ago for the first time this season. Much later in December than I usually begin to dive into this familiar story each year.

But, this year, I've struggled with Christmas. If I'm honest, I haven't felt much like celebrating anything at all this year. Even as I sit to write this, there's very little in my house that would indicate it's Christmas.

The only thing I have even put out in the nativity set. The simplest, but maybe the most fitting, for this Christmas.

A few days ago, I came home to find a gift bag at my door. An anonymous friend dropped it off while I was at work. One of the things inside was some beautiful cards with Scripture about the Christmas story and the lyrics to some Christmas carols that tell the story.

Until that delivery, not the nativity set had made it out. I just simply had no interest. But, as I read those cards, I was reminded of what this time of year is really all about for us as Christians . . . the birth of Jesus.

And not into a neat and tidy world. The world Jesus was born into was hard, messy, and broken.

Much like our world today. If I had to give three words to describe our world, those are exactly the words I would use.

Hard.

Messy.

Broken.

That brings me back to Matthew 1. I don't often read the genealogies in Scripture carefully. I skim through the long list of names I can't pronounce, working to quickly get to the other parts. Today, I slowly, carefully read each line, each name.

As I read, I realized something. It wasn't new, but I needed to be reminded of it again today.

Yes, the genealogy show how the prophecies of Jesus' birth were fulfilled. The tribe of Judah. The root of Jesse. Of the line of David. All good stuff. But, not the important stuff for today.

The genealogy of Jesus that Matthew records is full of messy, broken people who have hard stories.

There's women. Not just inferred, but mentioned when that wasn't normal for that time.

There's prostitutes.

There's outsiders to the Jewish people.

There's adulterers and murderers.

There's people who didn't follow God with their lives.

There's people who were led astray.

All mixed in with those who were faithful followers of God. Sometimes the faithful follower of God is also the one who messed up.

Jesus' earthly genealogy doesn't hide the hard, the messy, the broken. It includes it for all to see and be reminded of.

Why?

Because God has redeemed it and used it for His purposes. It's God's specialty.

God takes our hard, messy, and broken and He redeems it. He uses it for His purposes and His glory.

I don't know where this Christmas finds you. 2020 has been a year like no other we've experienced. And we're all approaching this Christmas differently. 

But, can I remind you today that whatever hard, messy, and broken your life holds right now, God's not done. 

If you'll let Him, He can take it and turn it into something beautiful. It may not be exactly the beautiful we expect or happen the way we want it to, but, if we allow it, God will turn our hard, messy, and broken into beautiful - just like He did with Jesus' earthly genealogy.

I know that's hope I'm choosing to cling to right now. Even when I don't feel like celebrating the way I usually do this time of year, I can choose to celebrate because I have a God who specializes in turning hard, messy, and broken into beautiful for His purpose and His glory.