When We Just Need a Hug

 We're living in a world where hugs, handshakes, pats on the back seem like distant memories.

I wrote a post a little over a year ago talking about why hugs are so important as a single person. Really it was about why people getting physically close to us is important. 

Lamenting the sudden lack of physical touch and the need it revealed.

Now that we're two years into this new reality, it's something that has come up again. While it might not feel quite as taboo to be close enough to someone to touch them at this point, the rules have still changed. There's a hesitancy. A constant need to ask a question first.

And I get it. I understand. Some people still aren't comfortable with it. Some people never were and are enjoying the way it is now better. I always want to be respectful of people and where they're at.

But, here's the other side - from someone who has been living it for two years.

I need that hug.

I need that hand on my shoulder.

I need that person who gets closer to me than 2 meters away.

My new reality has become that I can easily go 3 to 4 days without anyone getting anywhere close to me. And the only regular hug I can count on getting comes every time I see my niece.

I feel the lack of it. 

I feel it in the tension in my shoulders that has become the norm.

I feel it in the increased irritability that seems to always be there.

And I feel it in the positive effects when I do receive a hug. When the tension and irritability seem to soften for a bit.

As I've been reading through the gospels lately, I've noticed something I'd never really paid attention to before. When Jesus healed people, He almost always touched them in the process. His words alone were powerful enough to heal them. He didn't need to put His hands on them. Yet, He most often did.

Why?

I think Jesus knew the healing and restoring power of physical touch. He saw these people requesting healing ad He knew they need more than just the removal of the disease or physical infirmity. He saw the pain and suffering caused by being outside of community and He healed that too.

We also see Jesus prioritizing healthy physical touch when people were bringing their children to Him and His disciples tried to send parents away. Jesus stopped His disciples and made the children coming to Him important.

Jesus' ministry show us an example of physical touch in healthy ways being important. And, now, we live in a society where it's been pushed aside, where the rules for it have change significantly. But, our need for it hasn't changed.

So, what do we do now? How do we more forward?

As things shift again, we need to make space for those who are comfortable with it and need it, to get those hugs again, to have someone actually sit beside them.

Because I know the difference hug makes. I just experienced in a surprise, short visit with a friend.

A Post About Dating . . . Maybe?

 Dating as an older Christian single.

I never expected to be writing those words or using them to describe myself. While I'm still younger than many, I'm no longer in the age group that almost all writing on Christian dating is aimed at.

In Christian circles, it seems that all dating advice is aimed at high school and college-aged people. And when I read it as someone nearing 40, it doesn't connect with or relate to where I'm at. And things that are part of the world for older Christian singles aren't even mentioned. 

I feel incredibly unqualified to even attempt to write about this topic. I'm not an expert. I actually haven't been on a date in almost 10 years - something that I wonder if is, in part, affected by some of the ways dating as a Christian has been viewed or taught.

But, as I think more about what it means to be a single Christian adult in the church today, this is a topic that can't be ignored. As the number of singles in our churches grows, we need to talk about it more.

When I mentioned that the number of single people in our churches was growing to someone a few months ago, they commented that it should make it easier to meet someone at church now. A logical assumption. But, not a true assumption.

When I'm sitting in church on a Sunday morning, there's no way to know who else might be single. And the way we structure our adult ministries at church means the chances of every knowing are pretty slim. I would never say that things at church should be all about meeting people to date. I don't want that to dominate my mind. But, if I'm looking for a Christian man, then it does seem logical that it would be easier to meet them at church - even though that's not the case in my experience.

In most churches I know of, adult ministries fall into one of three categories: men, women, and married. Some churches may have something for single parents or those who have been divorced. Those are great places to focus ministries and reach many people. But, as a single Christian woman, I only fit into one of those categories, that means Sunday morning services are the only time I could possibly get to know anyone besides other women.

Don't get me wrong. We need men's ministries, women's ministries, and married's ministries. They're important. We need ministries to single parents and those dealing with the fall out from divorce. They're needed.

But what about singles who haven't been married and don't have kids? Where do we go? Where so we belong?

Some women's ministries do better than others at welcoming single women. I'm thankful my church does. But, sometimes we can unintentionally set up women's ministry to revolve around being a good wife and/or a good mother, that leaves a growing number of women out.

I have many conversations with people at church who are inquiring if I'm still single and expressing hope that one day I'll get married. That's something I'd like too, but I don't know how it will happen when I don't even know where or how I'd meet someone.

As far as a post on dating, this probably didn't go in the direction you were expecting - so, thank you for keeping on reading. It's not exactly where I thought it was going either. But, I'm beginning to see it as the place we have to start.

Not every person who is single in our churches is interested in dating or wants to get married. But, it might be worth reflecting on how we can allow space in our adult ministries for people to meet each other - not making it the focus, but space for it to happen in the midst of all else, in things that aren't just geared for young adults.

Unintended, Yet Unfair Assumptions We Make in Christian Circles

 I was working on a Bible study recently and ended up very frustrated by one of the questions. I had to chose not to get hung up on the way I was completely left out of the majority of the question in how it was worded. 

And it's far from the first time that has happened. It has happened over and over again.

The question in this study asked you to fill in the blanks for a couple of prompts. The first blank was about childhood. 

No problem.

The second blank, which I, perhaps naively, expected to be about young adulthood or adulthood in general, was specifically about marriage or a dating relationship. 

In just a few words on a page, I felt immediately excluded. I was frustrated. Angry even.

Why?

Because, once again, I was left feeling like I'm on the outside of the norm in Christian circles. Once again, I was in a situation where there was an assumption that everyone participating was married or in a serious dating relationship moving toward marriage. 

Once again, being single had no space. 

Now, before you tell me I'm over-reacting to a single question . . . let me remind you that this isn't a one off thing I deal with. Much of my world, especially the church world, treats me differently because I'm still single at almost 40 years old. I'm regularly ignored in sermons at church. I'm regularly left out of ideas for workshops or seminars that inevitably focus on marriage and parenting - or getting ready for these things if you're not already. 

I'm regularly told I don't fit in the norms of Christian circles.

Put yourself in my shoes for a bit and then look at this question again. It quickly becomes one more place where I'm put on the outside of the norm - where I'm different and don't fit.

I don't think this is done intentionally or maliciously. But, that does little to change the hurt it causes. Just because someone didn't remember that at least some of those working through the study would be single and wrote a question they weren't even aware would leave people out, doesn't mean it didn't hurt - that it doesn't hurt every time. It doesn't mean I didn't feel rejected again. And this is far from the only Bible study where I've had it come up.

So, what do we do?

We speak up and we listen to each other - really listen to hear what people are saying, not what we want to hear.

Those of us who are single need to keep telling people about how this unintentional, and at least sometimes, unfair, speech hurts. We have to tell of the pain, the frustration, the anger, the feelings of exclusion and rejection. Even if it feels like we're a broken record, repeating the same things over and over.

And we all need to learn to listen to each other. We need to listen to and try to understand the hurt. We need to listen to and try to understand the apologies and the questions from people who didn't know.