Lie #7: Single Adults Can't Talk to Married People of the Opposite Sex

 Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men & women of the opposite sex because it has the appearance of evil.

This one is a tricky one. I'm just going to acknowledge that from the start.

But, I'm also going to state right away: something I need a man's perspective on something. And, if I can never talk to one who I know enough to value his perspective, where am I supposed to get that?

I'm not talking multiple, long, one-on-one conversations. That obviously crosses a line. But, a shorter conversation in a public space with other people around shouldn't be a problem, especially when the married person's spouse is aware & okay with it.

God created us different. We see things differently from the people around us. And sometimes that different perspective is needed. It's important we have space for it.

In our desire to avoid the appearance of anything evil, I think we're made something a problem that shouldn't be. We've actually taught people to be afraid of talking to someone of the opposite sex, rather than teaching them how to have healthy interactions. And we've made it an even bigger issue if one of the people is married & the other is single.

Instead of helping people have healthy boundaries with interactions with the opposite sex, we've done exactly the thing we accuse our culture of doing. We've sexualized everything about the interactions of a man & woman. Whether we intended to or not, we've told people - especially single women - that they are sexual objects & therefore cannot have a conversation with a man, because it will go places it should never go.

Maybe that sounds harsh to you, but it's something I've been told by multiple people in different settings over the years. It hurts every time I hear it, because I'm being reduced to a sexual object & my motives are being assumed to be impure without a second thought.

Remember, I'm talking about a conversation in the church foyer or other place where others are around - not a one-on-one conversation along. Sometimes, the conversation with the married person's spouse included, & always with their knowledge.

Instead of fear, let's learn to have healthy interactions with each other. Let's learn to respect & honour each other.

Lie #6: God Will Give Marriage or a Gift of Singleness to Everyone

 Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or He'll give them a gift of singleness instead.

I've lost count of the number of times I've had someone promise me that God will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), when I tell them I still want to be married one day. Or 1 John 5:15,

"And we know that if He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that He hears what we asked of Him."

Both of these verses are amazing truths from Scripture. But, in the moment I express a desire to be married one day, they fall short. It spiritualizes an answer to a deep longing, rather than validating it - a classic example of spiritual bypassing.

But, the answer I've received a few times that surprised me was when I was told if I was still single I must have the gift of singleness so I should be happy being single. (I've written about the issues with the idea of a gift of singleness here & here.)

Again, this is a place where we easily make a promise that Scripture doesn't actually say. Throughout Scripture, it talks about how we are being transformed more and more into the image of God. As this happens, our desires do begin to line up more & more with God's will & then He can delight to give us the desires of our hearts.

But, nowhere in Scripture does it promise marriage just because it's something you desire. We all know from life in general that we often don't get everything we desire. So to assume that God will automatically give it to us when it's marriage feels out of place with what we know to be true.

We can learn with desires that aren't fulfilled & still have longings. We don't have to have some sort of special gift of singleness to live as a single person.

The thing we need when we're longing for marriage as a single person or listening to someone else share that longing with us is to sit with each other in it. Not in a wallowing in it & being depressed about it, but in acknowledging the longing & all that goes with it.

Lie #5: Pornography is Only a Man's Problem

Life #5: Men are visual, so pornography is only a man's problem. 

When you hear someone mention pornography from the front, how often do they begin talking about it by addressing the men in the room?

If your experience is like mine, then it's the majority of the time. And, if anything for women is mentioned, it's to do with romance novels only. The most common reason I've heard for why when I've asked about it is because men are visual & women aren't.

At the risk of sharing something I'll later regret posting in a public place. In those six words at the end of the last paragraph, I am pushed to the sidelines - unseen & not understood. I don't fit that stereotype.

So, I'm just going to state it clearly: pornography is a problem for all people. It's not just a problem for men. All of us can fall into it's trap. And reading romance novels or getting caught up in romance movies is not just a woman's thing. We can't use gender to put people in boxes.

I can hear some of the protests I've heard before: But, it's generally true, so it's okay to say that.

I have two responses: First, how do we know that? Are there fact & statistics to back up that claim? Or does it just appear that way because we've always said that so no one will say differently because they don't want to be see as weird?

Second, even if the statistics do say it's more likely to be men, by generalizing we're leaving a group of people who don't fit the stereotype along with no resources & without a place to ask for help.

So, rather than being so specific in our conversations, can we just talk about the problem & create a safe space for all to ask for help to find freedom?