Is Singleness a Special Gift God Gives?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say that singleness is a gift or a special calling from God that some people have been given and others haven't. Although they don't say it in the same way, the implication is that marriage is also a special gift God gives to people.

This has always sat awkwardly with me, and it definitely did with someone who I turned it around on and told them that then their marriage was also the same thing. Something has just always felt a bit off in what people mean when they say this.

I can see where people get this from. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul says,

"I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

It does appear that Paul is calling singleness a gift here. I won't try to argue that he's not. It is pretty clear.

But, I think we're misunderstanding what Paul means when he uses the word gift here. When we call singleness a gift, we often talk about it as if it's some sort of special calling. We make it out to be something God chooses for certain people and that He will give them some sort of special ability to live it out.

I can't find anything that supports that kind of thinking about it. When we think and talk about it that way, we put it on par with the gifts of the Spirit talked about elsewhere in Scripture (see Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4). There is no indication Paul is saying singleness is a gift like those talked about in these passages. Gifts of the Spirit in the sense that they are talked about in these other passages are about building up the church and reaching out to the world around us with the message of the gospel. They are things like teaching, leading, encouraging, serving, along with many others.

Singleness does not fit in with the rest of these. It is not something specifically for the building up of the church or reaching out to our world, so it doesn't make sense that we would even try to put singleness in that category - yet, I have talked with people who do.

Also, if we're going to try to call singleness a gift of that nature, we should call marriage that too. In this same verse in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about marriage like that too.

So, what does Paul mean in 1 Corinthians 7:7 when he talks about a gift?

I think we have to start with taking a step back and looking at all of what we call gifts in our lives. We talk about many things in life being gifts from God - from things we have to people in our lives. But, we stop short of putting these things on par with the gifts of the Spirit.

I think this is the kind of gift Paul is talking about here. Something God allows in our lives that He then uses as a part of our lives. It's not a special calling that some receive and others don't.

There is also a problem in how it means we make singles in our churches feel when we call singleness some sort of special calling. As I've wrestled with this and continued to look for more resources that talk about this, I've come across another book that talks honestly about the topic. In his book "7 Myths about Singleness" Sam Allbery explains it this way:

"Two problems arise if we continue to think about singleness as being a special kind of calling. First, it will make large numbers of single people feel as though life hasn't started yet. They're single but don't perceive themselves as having the gift of singleness. They're in a situation they're not designed for or called to. Life feels as though it is in limbo until God notices he's accidentally 'misfiled' us as being single and fixes things. That's when things will feel like they've finally got going, but until then they're just kicking about.
Second, it causes undue pressure to get married, especially for those single people not perceived to have that gift. If you're single and don't have the 'gift of singleness', then you're not pulling your weight. You should be married by now." (pg. 44)

I don't think these are the messages we've intended to portray. I believe we've been trying to encourage those who are single when we call it a special calling from God, but we've actually made it worse for them (for me). We make them feel like, if there's still a desire for marriage than something is really wrong with them. Even creating a desperation for marriage that can result in poor choices if we're not careful.

In short, we need to stop making singleness out to be some sort of special calling or gift from God. Just as marriage is something God can use for His purposes, so too is singleness. We need to embrace both as important and as circumstances in life that God can use for His purposes.

Singleness is Not a Season

In conversation, we often seem to imply, if not directly say, that singleness is a season in life. The belief comes from the common thinking and even assumption in the church that everyone will eventually get married.

But I think we're on dangerous ground when we operate on that assumption. We can't claim we know for sure that God will allow all of us to get married one day. And when we operate on the assumption that everyone will get married on day, we say hurtful things to those in our churches whoa re single and desire very much to be married.

So, why do we so often treat singleness as just a season in someone's life? Why are we so anxious to try to usher them into what we mistakenly believe is the next season of life for everyone?

I think a large part of it is because it's what we've been taught. It's what we have been told is the logical and normal progression in life, so, we naturally look for ways to move people along in that.

But, I think that hides the deeper reason why we want to see singleness as a season and why we treat it that way. In her book "The Significance of Singleness", Christina S. Hitchcock talks about this deeper reason:

"American evangelicals are afraid of being single because we are afraid of what it means theologically: that God might not give us everything we want when we want it, that we are not in control of our futures, that the American dream and the gospel are not one and the same." (pg. 93)
[You could easily subsitute Canadian  in both places where Hitchcock says American and it would be equally true.]

What is so hard about this one, is that we're probably not even aware of this and how it affects our thinking about this. But, I knew as soon as I read that, I had dealt with it in my life. Even as a single person, I still had the struggle with what my singleness means theologically.

If we're going to change our thinking here, we're going to have to start with being aware of why we think the way we do. But, we can't stop with just knowing what we're thinking. We need to know why it's a problem.

Why is believing singleness is only a season a problem?

Joy Beth Smith puts it this way:

"The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to be something to be endured, not celebrated. . . . Singleness is not a season with a guaranteed end in this life. And we can't spend our days trying to wait it out, constantly looking for what we hope is coming next." ("Party of One", pg. 19)

Whatever our life looks like, we miss out on so much of what God wants to do in and through us if we're constantly searching for the next thing. We miss the people God wants us to meet, the experiences He has for us, the things He wants to use us for. All we see is what we feel like we're missing. Eventually we lose hope that what we're hoping for will happen and we give up. We just try to endure our current circumstances.

Our assumption and belief that singleness is just a season has us standing on some faulty ground. It assumes that marriage is always God's plan for everyone. And it causes unnecessary pain for those in our midst who are single despite still having a strong desire to be married.

The One Thing I Couldn't Find in Scripture

If we hear something often enough, we begin to believe it. Because it become familiar, we decide it must be true and we begin to think and act like it is.

As I studied Scripture on the topic of what it has to say about singleness, I also found I was studying what it says about marriage. You really can't study one without studying the other.

In doing this, I realized that one of the things I've heard often in the larger church body, or at least in certain segments of the larger church body, is actually not what Scripture says. Even an honest searching of the main Scripture pointed to by those who say this didn't convince me that's what it said.

No where in Scripture does it say we have to get married. No where in Scripture does it say singleness cannot be a part of God's plan. No where in Scripture does it say anything about it being a sin to remain single.

Those who have made the argument that the Bible says we have to get married most often point to Genesis 1:28 to support their argument:

"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground'."

They point to God's Words in the creation account about being fruitful and increasing in number as being a command to get married.

As I dug into how this has been understood by various scholars, I found that the interpretation of this verse was as varied as the scholars I read. The number of ways these words have been understood over the years makes me hesitant to take a firm stance on saying this verse is a requirement for all to get married.

Some of those I read, took this verse as a literal command that all should marry. Others saw it as speaking to a need not to let humanity, or at least Christians today, die out, so if there's a danger of that then marriage is a command in that setting (ie. it would have been a command for Adam & Eve, or Noah and his sons after the flood). Still others saw it as making marriage honourable and important. Some saw it as being no longer relevant because of New Testament examples of Jesus or Paul or others. There were also some who saw this verse as having no relevance to the topic at all.

As I read these varying understandings, the conclusion I could come to was that this verse is not saying that it's a sin or wrong to not get married. There isn't that kind of clarity coming from those who are much smarter than me when it comes to these things.

Looking at the larger picture of Scripture, it also becomes clear that God used single people for His purposes. Jesus was single while He was on earth. So was Paul for a large part of his life and ministry. A lack of being married didn't disqualify them from being used powerfully for God's purposes on this earth.

Yes, it is absolutely true that God value marriage. He created it and has purpose for it. I will never say that's not true. But, it can be important and a beautiful part of God's creation and plan for the world and still not be a requirement for all Christians.

I believe we're on shaky ground when we say it's a sin for people not to get married. I think that places greater emphasis on marriage than on God. It gets our priorities out of order.

As I finish this, I can't think of a better way to end then to offer a quote from Christina S. Hitchcock in her book "The Significance of Singleness":

"We need single people to remind us that the church grows by the power of the Holy Spirit, not by the power of our reproductive organs. Our children are part of that growth, but only insofar as they too participate in the work of the Holy Spirit to bring the good news of Jesus Christ to people of all nations, tribes, and tongues." (pg. 144)

In other words, our focus should be on the great commission as found in Matthew 28:18-20. We should all be making disciples, regardless of our marital status. That's what being fruitful and multiplying means today.