Light... Christmas Thoughts

Why do we decorate with lights at Christmas?

I've been thinking a lot about light this Christmas. It's one of the things we see everywhere in our Christmas decorations. We hang lights on trees, on our houses, on our cars, . . . sometimes on ourselves.

It looks beautiful. The other ornaments on the tree often shimmer with the reflection of the light.

But, why are lights to ubiquitous this time of year? Why do we put them everywhere?

I think we can often miss the significance of them. The reason why we put them everywhere. I know I do.

This morning, as I sat having a quiet time by the light of my Christmas tree, I was captured by a few verses I read. I was going back through all the passages I've read in lead up to Christmas, and I noticed a few verses that talked specifically about light in relation to Jesus' coming to earth.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in a land of deeper darkness a light has dawned." (Isaiah 9:2).

"I Him was life, and that life was the light of the world. The light shines in the darkness and darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:4-5).

"The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world." (John 1:9).

We celebrate with light because we're celebrating the Light coming into the world.

Jesus came as the light of the world. That's what we celebrate this year.

Light coming into the darkness.

Light overcoming the darkness.

I needed this reminder this morning. 

As I being to look back over 2022, it feels pretty dark, and this Christmas doesn't appear to be happening anything like usual, or like I hoped it would. I didn't think 2022 could be darker than 2021; I came into 2022 with hope of the light and joy. But that's not the reality. There was plenty of good times in 2022, but it was also a hard year for my family . . . again. 

So, I need the reminder of light coming into the darkness. Of light overcoming the darkness.

I don't know what this year, this month, this week, or this day have brought you, but I wonder if we all need the reminder of the Light coming into our darkness this Christmas.

The events of our world this last year feel pretty dark and it can be easy to lose sight of hope, of light.

The events of your personal world may feel pretty dark right now.

But, Jesus has come. He is the Light coming into our darkness. He is God with Use! Immanuel!

As I close, I leave you with one of my favourite Christmas carols. A reminder of the hope and light in the midst of chaos, brokenness, and pain of our world.

https://youtu.be/kaFnJET_LS4

Christmas Memories

 I've had memories of Christmas' growing up running through my mind for the last few weeks. 

Memories of laughter and fun. 

Memories of family together.

Memories of a crowded table - everyone has to keep their elbows in so we don't knock the food off each other's forks.

Memories of too much food and my Grandma always offering more.

Memories of singing carols together with my Grandma at the piano.

Memories of my sisters, my cousins and I are huddled around the nativity set, each taking our turn to place the figurines of the set in place as Grandma read the Christmas story aloud.

Memories of puzzles started and completed.

Memories of gifts that reminded us how loved and care about we were.

Memories of welcoming in many who had nowhere else to go for Christmas.

This Christmas is the second one since my Grandma passed away. Although there were Christmas' before she passed that she wasn't able to be there, it's different now to know she's not just down the road waiting for a visit.

It's still a little bittersweet to think about Christmas this year. For so many years my Grandma, her house, her cooking, her plan for the family for the day was the center of all that happened. Even when she no longer hosted, she still had influence on the day.

But, the part that I keep coming back to is how she made sure that we never forgot what it was really about in the midst of the food and the presents. She was never afraid to tell us grandkids that we had to wait to open presents until we'd read the Christmas story together.

She'd read the Scripture about Jesus' birth and you could hear in her voice how much it meant to her. That to her this was the most important part of everything about that day. 

I'm challenged that I need to remember the reason why we do this all. The thing that is the most important about this day.

So, today, can I encourage you to take the time to stop and read and remember that in the midst of all this time of year brings, the most important thing is that we're celebrating the promised and long-awaited Messiah coming to earth?

We celebrate because Jesus coming to earth as a baby changed everything.

Light in the darkness.

Peace in the chaos.

Comfort in the brokenness.

An Undivided Focus . . . and the Assumption we too Often Make

 How many times have you heard someone say that being single means you don't have to think about a spouse and the impact you have on them as you serve God?

If you're single, probably often.

If you're married, likely still often, just not directed at you. Possibly said by you.

And I'm not going to tell you this is wrong. Scripture says this. 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 says:

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of the world - how he please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried women or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married women is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband."

Reading this, it makes a lot of sense.

So, why am I writing about this/ What needs to be said?

I think we need to take a few minutes to talk about the expectations and assumptions that we often from this. I'm not convinced they're helpful or good. In fact, I would say that, at times, they're harmful.

I've had the experience of someone trying to shame me into filling a role I knew I wasn't a good for for, simply because I was single and therefore didn't have anyone at home to consider. And I know it's not just me or something that happens only occasionally; I've talked to many other singles with the same experience. Sometimes overt, and sometimes done very subtly.

I thinks this is a misuse of this passage. If you look at it in the context of all of 1 Corinthians and all of Scripture, you'll also see teaching about serving in the areas God has called you to and gifted you for. So, my saying no to something I know I'm not a good fit for isn't wrong just because I'm single.

There's also the issue of the time and energy I have available. Yes, there's the time that some by nature of being married that people spend on their spouse, that I have available. But, I am also the only one who does all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the grocery shopping, all of everything else for my house. With another person, there is some degree (realizing it's different in all marriages) of splitting of those tasks between two people. As a single person, you're also the only income earner, so when extra expenses come, your only option is to work an extra job or overtime, cutting into time available.

I know I happily do more volunteering at church than some people. I will continue to do so because I can. But, I find it hurtful when people assume I have more time to give or that I should forego my giftings to fill any need at any time just because I'm single.

So, my practical response to this is that we all need to keep watching our assumptions on other people. We likely don't know the whole story. 

Regardless of whether we are married or single, we are to live lives that honour God and to use our gifts to serve God. That is the main point that Paul keeps coming back to in 1 Corinthians 7.

The Most Well-Known Passage on Singleness

 What does the Bible say about singleness?

1 Corinthians 7 is probably the most well-known passage that talks about singleness. It's quoted and used well and it's quoted and used in sometimes hurtful ways.

Unfortunately, I've most often heard it referenced in unhelpful ways. And, if I'm honest, I've used it in unhelpful ways as well. Most of the time when people reference this passage for singles, it's for a couple of reasons. The first is to tell then that the Bible says they should get married if they "burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9). As if it were that simple.

The second, I believe is meant to be encouraging, but it doesn't come across that way. It is often used to tell someone that singleness is a gift from God that gives them an undivided focus on God. Sounds good. True for the most part.

But, when someone isn't single by choice, telling them it's a gift from God and they should embrace it diminishes their struggle and desire for marriage, rather than acknowledging it. The part about having an undivided focus seems to come with an expectation that singles will volunteer wherever there's a need without paying attention to the things God has gifted them for and given them a passion to do. 

So, what does 1 Corinthians 7 actually say?

The first thing is that Paul values both those who are married and those who are single. Over and over in these verses, Paul holds up both marriage and singleness as ways to honour God and encourages living in that way. His primary concern is that those who are married and those who are single live lives that honour God and obey His commands, specifically regarding sexuality.

While Paul talks about wishing that were as he was in verse 7, he is not saying that singleness is the only option. He is acknowledging that there are some challenges that may be removed if one was single. But, this is not an encouragement at the expense of getting married.

Not to address the words of verse 9, which says,

"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

When these words are quoted to a single person who is struggling with any kind of sexual desire, they're usually hurtful.

Using these words in this way diminishes a legitimate struggle. Our sexuality and desire are given to us by God and we are to keep them within God's plan for them. But, that's not always easy - especially in our world today.

It should be quite clear from what we see in our world, even in our Christian circles, that marriage is not a cure for any struggle with sexuality and saying within God's original plan for it. So when we tell a single person they should just get married because of this desire or a struggle here, we make their struggle small and unimportant by implying that it has an easy solution.

I don't dismiss Paul's words that when this is an area of strong desire, marriage should be pursued. That's what he writes here and it's true. The problem comes with how we use these words when we're talking to people who are being honest about their struggle in the moment.

I've wrestled with how to finish this post. I never want my writing to just tell us what a standard is or point out where we've gotten off course. That does little to help any of us. But, I haven't been sure how to finish this one.

I guess there's a couple of things that we can go to get this practical. And I think they apply beyond just this post, but definitely here.

The first is to practice really listening and caring about the person in front of you who is sharing with you. When someone who is single is talking about their desire to be married or a struggle to keep their sexuality within God's plan, don't go looking for the first Scripture you can throw at them. Listen. And, yes, this may get uncomfortable at times, but it's necessary.

The second thing is to practice putting aside the assumptions you have as you read Scripture. Do your best to read it for what it is, not what you've always thought it was.

We Need a Good Theology of Singleness

What is your theology of singleness?

Did you even know you had one?

The truth is, we all have one. 

And it's been largely shaped by the teaching on it in the local church you're part of. Or, more likely, by the lack of teaching on it in your local church.

The lack of teaching on singleness causes us a big problem in the church. Single adults for a host of reasons, are a growing segment of society as a whole and of our churches. Yet, we lack of understanding of what the Bible says about singleness, and it says a lot more than we think.

As I've been on the journey of studying and writing about singleness in the church over the last five years or so, I've been saddened by the lack of resources available to help me on this journey. There's an abundance of books, articles, and studies on marriage and raising kinds, from many different perspectives. 

But, for a topic that is relevant to an ever-growing number of people sitting in church pews each week, there is woefully little that is written from an evangelical perspective; it's almost all written by the Catholic church. Most of what has been written, unfortunately, undervalues the single experience and sees it as little more than preparation time for marriage.

The western evangelical church is in desperate need of a better understanding of both the current theology of singleness we preach in our silence and what the Bible actually says.

Before you think I'm crazy or you think I'm talking about something above you, let me explain what a theology of singleness actually is.

Theology isn't something only for pastors and biblical scholars. It is simply "the study of religious faith, practice, and experiences." (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Our theology is what we believe about God and what the Bible says.

We all have a theology of many things about our life as Christians. In some areas, this is well-developed and understood. In others, it is not. This is often a place filled with assumptions about Scripture and about experiences.

A good theology of singleness doesn't stand in opposition to a good theology of marriage. A good theology of singleness includes a good understanding of what the Bible says about marriage and values marriage. But, it does so without making marriage the ultimate goal for everyone and the only thing anyone should work towards in life.

In many ways, I understand why the church has had such a focus on marriage and family. We want to be sure that, in a society where marriage is undervalued and attacked, there is a message of hope and God's vision for marriage being declared. We want to support godly marriage and strengthen them. That's a great thing.

But, we need to learn how to do that without pushing singles to the edges of our churches - often only valuing them is they take all the "extra" time we're thought to have and use it to serve the church.

Over the next little while, I'm going to go back to where I started when I first started writing on singleness. I'm going to be exploring again what Scripture says and what we need to do.

Change in Friendships

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how friendships change over time. They change in many different ways. And lots of the time, that change is a good thing. It means we're not staying stuck with no growth as individuals.

This has been on my mind because of a message I got from a friend recently. She was sharing some exciting news for her, and I was genuinely excited for her and with her. At the same time, I knew this news would bring a change in our friendship.

It's a situation I've found myself in many times. This mixture of excitement for a friend and some sort of grief over what is lost. It's always a challenging thing to walk through.

This friend and I have both been single for a longer than either of us thought. We've talked about it. We've celebrated and encouraged each other as we've sought to live full lives in the midst of circumstances we didn't plan on. And there's been an understanding that many of my other friends don't have about singleness.

This understanding of the reality of being single isn't going to disappear just because she's getting married. The conversations over the years don't just go away, as if they've never happened. That all remains.

But, I also know it means some things do change. The decision to go home via a two hour detour to stop for a coffee together on the way, does possibly change. There's another person to consider in that decision. 

The times we do still see each other, there's another consideration in the decision. Not that we won't see each other, but there's more to consider.

Hear me on this: I don't have a dislike for marriage. I'd actually like to be getting married myself one day. I love to celebrate all of my friends. And, I'm incredibly grateful for the married friends I have who welcome into their homes and families all the time.

But, it is different when the friendship is with another single person. There's a flexibility in things with a single friend, that just cannot factually exist when there's a spouse or kids in the mix.

For me, this is a recent example of how friendships change over time. There's other things that can bring change in friendships. 

That's when we have a choice of what we do. 

Do we keep putting effort into the friendship? Do we stay committed?

Or do we use it as a way out?

I'd say, more often than not, we need to make the choice to push through the change and hang on. We need to value each other and hold onto it.

But, that's not always what our culture tells us. When it becomes hard, our culture tells us to give up. That it's not worth the effort anymore.

But, maybe we need to choose to hold on anyways. To push through the challenge of the change and keep pursuing the friendship.

The Group We Call Single

 I started a list the other day of the different descriptors that can be added to single and describe people who fit into that category. Never married, no kids, widowed, divorced, and on it goes. It's an incredibly long list and I'm not going to attempt to write an exhaustive list.

People are single for all sorts of reasons. There's one fact that groups them all together, and many that indicate different circumstances.

Looking at my attempts at listing it all, I knew it was probably incomplete. It also made me wonder if I've done a dis-service in all my writing about singleness. If the diversity within that group is part of the reason why it's so difficult to find people who have written well on the topic.

But, I've realized that the same could be said for those who are married or have kids or pretty much any other external life circumstance we could describe. And that hasn't stopped people from writing about those topics.

I think it's a good reminder why we must be careful not to let these categories define what we see as everything about a person. They describe one aspect of a person's life - not everything.

We like to look for labels for people. Boxes we can put them in so we can assume we know everything we need to know about them. But, people are way more complicated than that. Those words describe only a part of who they are. And we miss out on so much when we use those characteristics to define people. We don't get to know the richness of who they are.

So, we need to learn to go beyond the labels we give. The labels are helpful sometimes. They're not always bad or wrong. They can help us. But, we can't stop there. They're only a starting place for getting to know someone.

Whatever group you're looking at, remember, they're more than just one thing you see or know about them.

Why Someone Cancelling Plans is so Hard as a Single Person

 "Why are you so disappointed when I have to can plans with you? It's not the end of the world.

I've been asked some version of that question by a lot of people over the years. And, while I know there's no malicious or hurtful intent in the question, it drives the disappointment deeper. Because, now I know I've been misunderstood on top of the plans I thought I had being cancelled.

I understand that stuff happen and things come up in life that mean previously made plans need to be cancelled. That's a part of life, and I do my best to understand.

But, that shouldn't mean I don't get to be disappointed. I'm not trying to guilt you or pressure you. But, I've now gone from having plans to do something person to another evening or day alone . . . again.

Now, I'm an introvert, who truly values my time alone. But, there comes a point when I need people, when I need community. The last thing I need it more alone time right then, so the cancelled plans hurt and are disappointing - even though I understand life necessitates that sometimes.

I may not be able to hide my disappointment in the moment, although I will do my best for your sake. I don't want to make you feel bad when you had no choice.

But, I guess the situations where cancelled plans are the hardest are when it seems like there's no reason why they had to be cancelled. I hadn't been able to put words around this situation for a long time. A couple of months ago, I was reading a book that explained it in a way I'd been unable to.

In her book, Turn Toward the Sun, author Mandy Hale, better known as "The Single Woman" online, writes this:

"And here's the thing you need to remember, too, if you are married or in a relationship or have kids or all of the above and you're cancelling plans with a single friend: You tend to have built-in and consistent community in that you at least have kids or a significant other. There's a good chance that you were the community for the week for the person you just cancelled on, and they likely had been looking forward to spending time with you all week. And now you've bailed on them at the last minutes, giving them no time to make other plans and essentially stripping them of their community for the week. So, yes, it is a really big deal to cancel plans, and it might impact the other person's mental health in ways you can't possibly see in the moment you shoot off a one-line text message standing them up."

That may sound a bit harsh at first read if you've never thought about it before. But, it resonated for me when I read it.

Even on the days I go to work, there's not community there all the time. We try, but work has to be done, and sometimes all we communicate about is work - possibly even, only by digital means.

And then I go home to an empty house.

I'm happy to do lots of things alone. And do them regularly.

But sometimes, it's really nice to do them with someone.

So, even if it doesn't always seem like it to you, sometimes cancelled plans feel like the end of the world and my disappointment is going to be obvious. I'm not trying to guilt you with it.

So, what am I asking in writing this?

When you think about cancelling plans with your single friend, pause for a moment. If you don't have to cancel, then don't. Sometimes, a half hour coffee because you're tired is better than all plans being completely cancelled.

And, when you do need to cancel completely, don't tell me it's no big deal when I'm disappointed.

Choosing to Live a Full Life

 I've been asked to explain about my journey with singleness a few times in the last few months. That's always an interesting question to answer. How much detail I go into in my answer really depends on who is asking and the context for the conversation.

As I've answered this question, there is on thing that has stayed the same no matter what. That's the way I always start my answer.

I'm not single by choice. I want to be married and a family of my own. But, I'm not going to allow not having that to keep me from living a full life right now, in my current circumstances.

That's been my way of living since I graduated college. I graduated Bible college to jokes from my family that I "failed" Bible college because I was still single. While I know those words were meant as teasing, they made me realize that I had a choice in how I lived.

I could live as if those teasing words were true. And the result would be that I would put my life on hold while I did nothing but search for someone to marry. I could be discontent because things weren't exactly as I wanted them to be.

Or, I could acknowledge that I was single and had a desire to be married, and still live my life. I could choose to get involved in things at church, to build great friendships, to do things I loved - even when the circumstances weren't exactly what I'd hoped they would be.

This doesn't remove the fact that I'm not single by choice, nor does it eliminate the struggle that comes when circumstances aren't exactly what I would desire. But, it does give life meaning and purpose. It does give opportunity to be used by God for His purposes and His glory.

I think this applies to all of us in many areas of life. It doesn't matter the specifics of the circumstances we wish were different. The principle is still the same.

We will have a choice in how we will respond to those circumstances. 

We can let the circumstance mean we put our lives on hold until things change to how we want them to be. 

Or we can acknowledge that it's not what we would prefer and choose to live the best life we can in spite of it.

The Power of Showing Up & Being Present

 This past Sunday at church, we took some time to remember those in our church family who we had lost over the last few years of COVID. Something as simple as a picture, a name, a birthdate, and the date someone took their last breath on earth, had an impact on me in that moment. As I watched the pictures of my great uncle and then my Grandma appear on the screen, along with so many others I've known as part of my church family for years, I was reminded of another lesson my Grandma taught me over the years. 

As I've thought about it since, I've come to realize it might be the mort important thing, after following God, that my Grandma taught me. It's something that has come up over and over again in memories of her. And from so many different people.

That lesson: the power of showing up and being present.

When I think about it, growing up, one of the things I could always count on was that if something was happening - good or bad - my Grandma would be one who showed up. She was just there all the time. Whether it was sitting in the audience at more band concerts, school awards ceremonies, & school sports games than she probably ever thought she'd sit through. Or being the one to pick us up when we weren't feeling well at school and Mom was busy. Or the hours spent with us at her house through all seasons. Or when something went wrong or was hard and you just needed a hug (. . . & a cookie).

There was something you could count on . . . Grandma was there. She showed - usually with Grandpa at her side.

But, more than her showing up, she was present in those moments. Even when you knew she had other things she could be doing, she was present in her conversations with you. She was present in the moment and whatever was happening.

And, in doing so, she made sure you knew she thought you were important and valuable. That you were worth her time and energy.

One particular night stands out for me when I think about how she did this. It was a Friday night not too long after I moved home after finishing my degree. I was not looking forward to another evening alone. My Grandma happened to phone my Mom that afternoon & I answered. As usual, she talked to me first, & when I said I had no plans, her first thought was to invite me to come over for supper that night. A little thing in so many ways. But, it reminded me that she cared.

It challenges me in my own interactions with people. 

How do I do at showing up for the people I love? How do I do at being present with the people I'm with?

These days, it's easy to be distracted, even when we're in the same room as people. We carry around distracting devices that keep us from being present - even if we leave the phone away, when the phone calls, texts, & emails come through to you watch, the distraction is still there. I know I'm good at being distracted.

But, it's not how I want to be. I want to be someone who shows up & is present with the people in front of me.

How about you? How are you doing at showing up? How are you doing at being present?

We Need People

 I stood at the top of the driveway, golf clubs beside me, anxiously watching for you to turn your car onto my street. As I saw your car, I picked up my golf bag and walked over to put my clubs in the trunk. Looking forward to every minute of time with you the next few hours would bring.

Yes, I was looking forward to playing golf. The game you loved and patiently helped me learn to play.

But, it was so much more than that alone that made me look forward to this time. So much more that made a seventeen year old just a few days away from starting grade 12 look forward to a few hours with my grandparents.

For the last five years, I'd chosen to spend the hours with you. There was nothing unusual about the activities of this day for you and me. We'd probably done the same thing at least a hundred times before.

But, on this day, I was especially looking forward to this time. I was feeling the pressure of going into grade 12 and the decisions I'd have to start making right away. Decisions about college or university - would I stay local or go away, what I would study. I was already feeling overwhelmed by it all.

I knew that in the hours to come, I would have a safe place to spill that all out. That you would listen first - until I was done talking. And then you'd ask your questions and give me space to think and answer. Only after all that, would you join the chorus of voices telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Only after being sure you understood as much as you could, would you chime in with your perspective and advice.

As you dropped me off at home a few hours later, I felt a little less overwhelmed. I had a bit more clarity on things. It wasn't all figured out, but I felt heard. And I knew I had you support, love, prayers.

This came back to my mind the last few days, as I found myself feeling the same feelings. The overwhelm and not knowing what to do. I missed the way it was so easy growing up to share this with my grandparents.

And it made me realize the value I have in the friendships where I can talk about how I'm really doing. I know I have a handful of friends I could call in those moments and they would listen, care, love, support, pray.

This time I didn't call any of them, although looking back I wish I had. But, I was reminded of how we need these relationships in our lives.

And I was challenged in the independence our society tells us is a good thing. That very thing that kept me from making the call to a friend this time. We're told we shouldn't need anyone - that we should be able to figure out ourselves.

We're told we shouldn't need anyone, and, even though I know better, I bought the lie this time.

But, Scripture makes it pretty clear that we need each other. We weren't made to go through life alone. Over and over, we see encouragements to keep meeting together, to care for each other, to show up for each other.

Who are your people that you can call on when you can't do it on your own?

When was the last time you called one of them? Why?

Why do you hesitate to call them?

How can you challenge the tendency to try to go it alone and get better at reaching out to those around you when you need help?

"Love Me Till I'm Me Again"

 "Love me till I'm me again"

Those words are on the wall of of a coffee shop I like to spend time in reading and writing. I see them regularly and I've pondered them from time to time.

In the last few weeks I've thought about them a lot more. I realize how much we need people who do that.

"Love me till I'm me again"

The life will bring things our way that knock us off our feet. Everything feels unstable, unsure. We're facing an unknown. In many ways we've all been living that the last few years.

When this happens, we might not feel like our usual self.

And we need people who stick with us through it. Who keep loving us. Who keep showing up for us. We need people who will love us until we're ourselves again. People who will be patient with us. People who don't walk away because we're struggling.

Going to Things as a Single After What the Last Few Years Have Brought

 In the last few months, as gatherings of many kinds have begun happening again, I've noticed something has changed. And I'm not sure it's for the better as a single person.

Over the last couple years we've been limited in who we can see and that seems to have carried over in some ways as we've begun to gather again. Often, we just stick to the same little group.

While I understand. There's a level of comfort there. And we're not over all of this pandemic yet. 

(Please no arguments or comments about the pandemic on this. This is not the place for that, and it misses the point of what I'm saying.)

But, it makes if even more difficult than it used to be to walk into a gathering of any kind as a single person. Instead of being welcomed into a group with others, I often find I may as well be invisible in the room. The groups that have been who we spent the last two years with have become closed and unintentionally unwelcoming to others.

Except the language we use hasn't changed. We describe ourselves as welcoming to everyone. We say we create a welcoming space. But, the reality can feel a lot different.

We're welcoming if you came with your own group that you can sit with. We're welcoming if you already fit somewhere.

So, where does this leave the single person?

The single person, whose world was even smaller than others' the last two years. The single person who is the one in desperate need of connection.

When I look around at a Sunday morning at church, I see one of two things have happened. The singles I know have just quit coming - if they returned at all. Or, we're sitting with our parents and not connecting with others.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being with our parents, but, I wasn't really thinking that in my late thirties that would be the only option I had to not sit alone at everything. Until the last year, I'd sat with friends and acquaintances at church since high school - never imaging I'd now sit with my Mom every week so that I didn't have to sit alone.

The struggle has come on the weeks my Mom isn't there. Most of my attempts to sit with others those times have been rebuffed - sometimes subtly and sometimes in a very outright way. Mostly, probably not intentionally, but it's what has happened.

I ran into the clearest example of this just last night at church. Our monthly worship and prayer gathering. I went by myself, like usual. While I was greeted as I walked in and a few people had brief conversations with me, the part where I felt invisible came after that. I took a seat on my own. When we moved into praying in small groups, everyone else turned to pray with those they were sitting with and I continued to sit by myself. In that moment, I felt like I could have just gotten up to leave and no one would have noticed or cared if I did. 

It was hard. And it drove home the importance of not just offering a friendly greeting to people, but actually inviting them in. To sit with us, if they're alone. 

I know how easy it is to fall into a habit of just always sitting with the same group. I know it's not always an intentional choice to leave others out. But, we've gotten really good at it, and it's not a good thing.

So, that leaves me with a question. One that all of us need to think about - whether we're single or not.

How can we do a better job of making sure we include everyone?

One Year

 If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you'll know that from time to time I share poetry I've written. Often it's about things I'm walking through. In the last few years, a number of them have been to do with things with my Grandma. 

A few days ago - on July 21, 2022 - it was the one year anniversary since my Grandma went to be with Jesus. As I reflected on that, another poem came that fits with previous ones.

(You can read previous parts here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5)

I see you there

Smiling in the picture

The last family gathering

You were there for

 

Your face full of joy

As we gathered around

A time to celebrate

You and Grandpa together

 

We laughed and we talked

We sang grace and we ate

We watched the little ones play

We celebrated faithful love

 

Now we gathered without you

A time to remember

The life that you lived

The way that you loved

 

Though you are gone now

You live on in us

Your words and your wisdom

Still influence us

 

You’ve been gone a year

It doesn’t feel right

Sometimes I’m still waiting

To hug you and hear you

 

I’m grateful I had you

To call you my Grandma

I’m grateful you cared

To always be there

 

Grandma, I miss you

Time hasn’t changed that

Your smile and your laugh

The deep love you shared

Staying - Even When it's Hard (Part Two)

 Last week I started a post answering the question I've been asked about why I've chosen to stay at a specific church, when those I call my closest friends have moved elsewhere for a variety of reasons.

I started by talking about Scripture encourages us to keep meeting together and assumes we are. Being part of a church doesn't seem optional. We need the diverse community to live the lives that God calls us to. You can read it here. 

Before I go on in the post, I'm going to repeat some of what I said in part one. I am not writing to tell anyone else exactly how they should think or what they should do. I am answering the question of why I chose to stay when it seems to appear easier to start going elsewhere, at least on the surface. I acknowledge that some who make the decision to leave have very valid reasons why they choose to do so and I won't tell them they're wrong because of it.

Throughout the New Testament, we're referred to as the family of God and the body of Christ. Both of those things point to us being a part of something bigger than just us. Now, some will point to those as referring to the church worldwide and I agree. But, I also think when we look at the detail written in Scripture of what that looks like in practice, it points to a local gathering of believers. That's the place where we use our gifts to serve others and the world around us.

In our society, we've made it easy or normal to leave your family behind or stop seeing people in your family because you disagree or got hurt. But, in doing so, we've cheapened God's design. And we know it. We know when we have those experiences with family that come up as enjoyable - or with a group of people who are like family.

But, with family also comes disagreements, arguments, differing views, and sometimes we hurt each other. Family is supposed to work through those things when they happen. Unless it's actually dangerous to stay, the best would be for family to work through whatever comes up.

If we do this with our biological families, why would we not also do it with our church family?

We may not completely agree with each other on everything, but if it's not about the core things of our faith, I think that's okay.

It means we have to be willing to forgive, to let God heal our pain. But, I believe it's the best way forward.

If I don't leave my family for good because I got hurt in a disagreement or argument, then why would I do it with my church family?

I don't say this lightly. I've lived this one. While I don't feel this is the place to share all the details, I will say that about 15 years ago, I walked through an experience at church where I was left hurt and feeling betrayed by some in leadership roles. Instead of valued, I felt ignored and like I wasn't an important part of the family, as did many of my friends. 

I chose to stay and work through the pain. I kept showing up and staying involved, even when it hurt. And I slowly found healing and was able to forgive those who had hurt me. I'm not sure that in my experience, I would have come to a place of forgiveness and healing if I had left instead. That would have made it easy to place blame on others and put up fake walls of being okay. And I could still be living that. 

By choosing to stay then, I know the good that ultimately happened and I believe that is the best outcome always. It took time to deal with everything that came along with that hurt. I couldn't deal with it all at once. I had to be willing to keep working through the hurt and the feelings of betrayal.

I won't say that everyone should stay in every situation. There are definitely situations where the best choice for healing and for all is to leave. But, I do wonder if we make the choice too easily sometimes.

So, that's my answer to why I stay, even when it seems like it might be easier to go elsewhere.

Staying - Even When it's Hard (Part One)

 Why do you stay?

Why don't you just go where your friends go?

These are questions I've been asked a few times in the last few months. Always talking specifically about church and my choice to stay even when some of the people I call my closest friends are no longer there.

It's not a question with a quick or easy answer. And I'm careful in how I answer because I don't want to offend people, nor do I was to tell someone else what they should do. I've wrestled with whether to write this post and I've wrestled with whether to share it.

Before I go on, I want to be clear: this is why I chose to stay, even when it sometimes feels like it would be easier to just start going elsewhere. I have people in my life who have made different decisions in similar circumstances and I won't tell them they're wrong to have made a different choice. I also will never belittle or put down someone's hurt and pain and the decisions that result from it. 

And, if it's a situation where abuse of any kind is happening, then I would never tell someone to stay. If it's a church situation where abuse is happening, then staying is not the safe option and I will never argue that one.

While I've come to my conclusion and decision on staying based on my study of the Bible, that doesn't mean I've got it all perfectly figured out. I answer this question from my own experience as well.

As I get started, I believe there is one thing I can say for sure is true for all who call themselves Christians. The writer of Hebrews puts it this way:

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together as some as in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24-25, emphasis mine)

We're told not to give up meeting together. When you read the book of Acts or any of the letters to the churches in Scripture, they were all written to a group of people, to a church. The Christian life is not about " me and Jesus, and no one else."

We need to have a group of other Christians we're doing life with. And not just a group of people who all think like us, talk like us, are about the same age or stage of life as us. If Paul's words to the church Philippi are any indication (see Philippians 2:1-4), then the church is a diverse group of people because we have a need to learn how to move together in unity and put others first.

We need the kids that we see running around at church. We need the senior who always greets you with a smile and a handshake. We need the family who we wouldn't otherwise ever connect with. We need the single people, the married couples, the seniors, the kids, the youth, that make up a local church gathering.

But, it something that I see that makes me wonder as we emerge from a couple years of gathering as the church being a challenge. We've gotten used to listening to whatever service we want from wherever around the world sitting on our couches in our pajamas. Now, I'm not saying church online is bad or wrong. I think it's a great thing. But, even in that, we need to have a community of believers - a church - that we're connecting with regularly and consistently - even if it's online. We need people who are allowed to really get to know us and us them.

So, I guess the first part of my answer to why I stay is because I believe that having a church - a gathering of a diverse group of people - is something that Scripture says we need and should be making a priority. My friends are a great group of people, but there's something about having a multi-generational gathering where the senior who has watched me grow up has the opportunity to continue to speak into my life.

I think that's where I'm going to finish this post. There's more to come in my answer to the question of why I stay. But, for the sake of length, I'll share that in a future week.

The Power of Simple Words

 "Do you want to sit with me?"

The friend who asked me that question likely had no idea how impactful those seven words would be.

A simple question that we would normally just assume. A simple question that we likely don't notice the significance of most of the time.

The conversation that led to that question happened in a church sanctuary before a service. In the big picture of all my years in church, there's really nothing unusual about this interaction. 

So, why was it so significant this time?

It was  reminder of the importance of the little things when it comes to making people feel included and welcomed. These very simple things can make the difference for someone in how they experience things.

Church has felt very different for many of us since coming back after COVID restrictions. And for me, this has primarily been noticed in the fact that none of the close friends I used to sit with in church are there - for many different reasons. Sitting in the same area I used to sit in now means being surrounded by people I don't know well, if at all. Their faces are beginning to become familiar, but they're still mostly people who I only know by name.

That has made it easy to feel invisible, alone.

Not because people aren't friendly, but because I feel like I don't know them and they don't know me.

It's made me a lot more conscious of how I respond to people I see at church. The things I say or don't say can have an impact on what someone's experience is. And that means it's important.

And aware of how I talk to those I know, but maybe not as well. Sometimes a simple invitation to sit together could be the difference.

That Sunday evening service when I friend, who I hadn't seen in a while, asked if I wanted to sit with her, made a difference for me. I wasn't totally sure I wanted to be there that night. I was tired . . . and I was tired of going to church and sitting alone. In seven words, my friend changed my experience that night.

And, it can be a simple choice to just make an offer to someone. We have to be intentional, but it's not always a big thing that's needed.

What are the words of invitation, welcome, care that you can offer to those you interact with through-out your day?

We Can't Do It Alone

 You can do it alone. 

You don't need anyone else. 

You everything you need to do what you want.

We hear things like this all the time. And mostly we believe them.

But, what if I told you these were lies?

The truth is:

We need each other. We can't do it alone.

I've written quite a bit about community and our need for people to walk through the good and the hard of life with. I keep coming back to it because it's so important and it goes against everything society tells us.

I think it's an even more important topic of discussion now. After the last couple of years where we were told to stay apart, we've become even better at trying to do it all on our own. We've drawn lines around ourselves in the things we believe and if someone doesn't completely agree with us, we push them away.

But, we're in a worse place because of it. We're paying a huge price because of it.

God created us to need each other as we walk through life. We don't have what we need for everything all on our own. Sometimes we need someone to be strong for us and carry us through. Sometimes we need to be strong for someone and carry them through. Sometimes no one will be strong and we just to know we have someone else who knows the struggle to stumble through it all with.

I was reminded of how important being together and how healing it is a week and a half ago. We were finally able to gather and have a Celebration of Life for my Grandma, after almost 11 months of waiting. As the family and close friends began to arrive, there were two thoughts in my head. The first was how good it was to see everyone and be together. The second was how something that used to feel so normal now felt strange. After a couple years of not being able to be together, it felt strange.

As we remembered, shared, talked, cried, and laughed together, something that happened that hadn't yet. Although we'd all said our goodbyes to my Grandma in some way over the last 11 months, there was something about saying goodbye together that we needed.

As I looked at the tables full of family, I knew this was a group that has laughed and enjoyed time together. But, also strongly disagreed and fought with each other over the years. That's what community is though, and you choose to stay together anyways. You love each other and show up for each other. You fight and you disagree with each other and you still show up for each other and love each other.

This is how we were created to live life. And we need to learn how to do it better again. It will take work. It will take intentionality.

But, we don't have a choice if we're going to live the lives God created us to live.

Memories of my Grandma

 Today - almost 11 months after she passed away - we had the Celebration of Life for my Grandma. It was so good to be together after so long of not being able to do. And I didn't realize how necessary this step was in the journey of saying good-bye.

I was asked to share, alongside a couple of my cousins, memories of Grandma. As I wrote, I figured it would be easier to share the memories now since so much time had passed, but as I started, I realized that the memories still touched me more than I thought they would. 

Here is what I shared, or at least intended to share today - I'm not sure that I actually was able to read everything that was written when I got to that moment.

"There's not a day goes by that I don't see you;

You live on in all the better parts of me."

Those are a couple of lines from the song "Scars in Heaven" by Casting Crowns. I listened to that song a lot in the months after Grandma passed away. And as I sat down to write the memories about Grandma I wanted to share, those words came to mind again. Over the last 11 months, I've had many times when the words of wisdom, encouragement, and love Grandma shared with me over the years have continued to have an influence on my life.

As I talked to my sisters about our memories of Grandma, one of the first things that came up for us was our memories of sick days at Grandma's. If we woke up sick one morning, or got sick at school, we always hoped Mom was busy, because it means we got to go to Grandma's for the day. Even when we were sick, Grandma's house was always more fund than being at home. A sick day at Grandma's usually meant sitting in their ricking chars, eating cookies, and watching TV together.

A lot of our memories of Grandma are around their house on Green Bay. Summers at the beach, holiday family gatherings, and any other reason we found to get together.

Helping make "Grandma buns" - as we called them. Nothing tasted better that Grandma buns with homemade strawberry freezer jam.

Making roll kuchen and eating it watermelon outside. The important question was always the ratio of watermelon slices to roll kuchen we were allowed. It usually felt like too much watermelon, but Grandma would hold firm on the number.

Another memory is singing together with Grandma. More often than not, Grandma would start us off singing The Doxology for grace when we gathered for a holiday meal or special occasions. And Christmas gatherings always included singing some carols while Grandma played the piano.

For me, another memory of Grandma is the many hours spent on the golf course with Grandma, and Grandpa too. Depending on who was picking you up, changed what time you actually had to be ready to go. If Grandma and Grandpa were both coming, they'd be on time for what they told you; if it was just Grandpa, you needed to be ready early; if it was just Grandma, you had an extra 5-10 minutes to get ready. But, my favourite part of that wasn't the golfing; it was the conversations that happened while we golfed. Grandma always shares wisdom and encouragement and pointed me to God in those hours together.

When I went away to Briercrest for school, Grandma made it worthwhile to get a mailbox of my own in town. At least every couple of weeks, sometimes more often, I would find an envelope with Grandma's familiar handwriting on it. It would be filled with stories of what was going on in her life and Grandpa's - a connection to home that I was grateful for. I was really bad at writing back, and even worse at phoning, but the letters from Grandma kept coming as long as I was away.

Grandma always liked to have fun. Even though she always looked put together and proper when we were out, she was always up for having fun. That was something that stayed, even as her mobility was slowly stolen by Parkinson's disease. One of my favourite memories of that includes my niece. Grandma and Grandpa were at my parent's house for a meal. While we were waiting for the food to be ready, Grandma was playing with my niece. They were laughing and enjoying being together, while, much to my Mom's chagrin, they tossed a decorative whicker ball my Mom had in the living room back and forth. Grandma using a paper plate to catch and throw it. 

As I talked to my sisters about our memories of Grandma, the theme that kept coming up in all of them was that she was there. We could count on that. Whether we were sick as kids and Mom was busy, or we had something special happening, or we just needed somewhere to go on a Friday night, Grandma was there and she was always praying for us.

It May be Late, But it's Still Important

 It's been 10 - 1/2 months since my Grandma passed away. As I write this, we're close to having a Celebration of Life for her. The time has come when we can do this finally - after months of not being able to have it.

It started with a conversation about whether we should still do it. Had it been too long? Do we need to? Would people still come? Or had everyone moved past that?

In the end, we decided it was still important and something we should go. After 10 - 1/2 months of saying good-bye, mostly alone or with our closest family members, it's time to gather as those who loved my Grandma - family and friends - to say good-bye together. To remember my Grandma for who she was and how she touched our lives.

While the planning and preparation has brought the sadness and pain over losing her to the surface again, I feel like it's also made me realize how important those things are. God created us to walk through everything in life together and we had missed this part of the journey so far.

It's made me reflect on how many things like this we've missed over the last couple years. And how much we need to make time for them now. Not just the good-byes, the funerals, we've missed. But, also the milestone celebrations, the weddings, the parties. They're important and we need to acknowledge them.

So many things feel incomplete, or missing. All that has gone in our world in the last couple years, has left us with so much missed. And we need to make the space for these things... even if it feels like it's a bit late compared to when we normally would.

As I've been preparing what I will share about my Grandma, about memories of her, I've found it to be another step on the grief journey. A journey I thought would be much shorter than it actually is. And, honestly, I'm looking forward to gathering with family and friends of my grandparents, many I've known for much of my life. A chance to remember someone deeply loved and missed by many.

So, my question to you today . . . what have you missed in the last couple of years that you need to plan for now?

Learning to Really Rest

 Do you know how to rest?

Really rest?

I'm not talking about sleeping each night.

I'm not talking about your time off work or school.

Rest can, and often does, include those things, but in and of themselves they're incomplete rest. They're not the important things that refresh us and restore us.

I've been learning a lot about this recently. It's easy to not be at work, but still be thinking about work, planning things for work, checking emails and chat messages on my phone. Or to be planning the next evening for the Bible study I lead - what we're going to study, the details of each night. Or to be looking after family stuff that isn't always as urgent as it seems. Or to just be busy cleaning, laundry, errands.

None of those things are bad, wrong, unnecessary. They're part of life and important parts of life.

But, if they're all we ever do, we'll quickly find ourselves in trouble.

It may all look good on the outside. We get things done at work. We lead or serve at church well. Our family knows we'll be there whenever they need us or just ask us to do something for them. Our house is always very clean and organized.

But, we come home and collapse on the couch. Too tired to do anything but numb ourselves with binge watching a favourite show or scrolling social media before we crawl in bed to try to get some sleep. Morning comes and we do it all over again. Hoping for the day where we won't feel so exhausted and overwhelmed - the day when we'll do the things we used to do that brought us joy.

If we can actually get to the point where we admit it's not working, we can learn what real rest is. We can learn a different way to live. But, it means we have to be intentional about it.

This is where I found myself almost six months ago. I took my vacations from work, but all the notifications still showed up on my phone each day. I took the scheduled breaks between Bible studies I was leading at church, but I spent all that time putting together the perfect plan for each upcoming night we would meet - even though I knew most nights would likely not go exactly according to my detailed plan. I'd decide to take some time to do something I wanted to do, and a family member would phone or text with a request, and I'd drop everything to help them out immediately - even if it could have waited. My house always had to look perfect, even thought I was the only one who was going to see it.

And I thought I was resting regularly. Except coming home from work or whatever else I felt I needed to do and zoning out in front of the TV for a few hours wasn't really rest. But, it was all I could do with the way I was living.

I knew something had to change, but I had no idea how to make that happen on my own. I needed help to figure it out. I still need help figuring it out some days. I needed someone to help me see how I could make those changes.

And I sought that out. I found that help and began to make those changes. And I began to learn what real rest looks like.

It includes sleep. It includes time off work. It includes what I called rest before. But, it's so much more than that. It's meant boundaries around my time. It's meant intentionally scheduling time to do the things I enjoy and protecting it.

I can't tell you exactly what it should look like for you. We're all different. And what's restful to me, might not be to you.

But, I know for me, it meant setting quiet hours on my work apps on my phone so the notifications only appear when I'm supposed to be working, and turning them off completely when I'm on vacation. It means leaving my phone behind on purpose, or turning it off when I'm out for a walk or coffee with a friend (have you ever thought about how much our phones interrupt us when we're with other people?). It's meant learning to only drop everything for emergencies with family and making plans for another time when they phone with non-emergencies.

More importantly, it's means doing things I enjoy more often. Sitting in a coffee shop with a good book. Going for a walk with a friend. Playing a game with my niece (and usually losing to her). Reading that book that's been sitting unread for too long. Getting together with friends for games, food, conversation. Regularly phoning a friend just to talk about the last week for both of us. 

Really, it's been rediscovering what brings joy. What makes me smile. What energizes me.

That's been what learning to really rest has been about for me.

And as I watch people in my life and people around me, I wonder how many more of us need to learn how to really rest. How to make space in life for what really is important.

So, how about you? Do you know how to really rest?

When you look at your calendar, is it just filled with things you feel like you have to do? Or are there things on it that refresh you, restore you, leave you feeling energized?

How can you make sure you have these in your life consistently?

How can you learn to really rest?

The Assumptions we Don't Realize we're Believing

 Going back to places often brings up a lot of memories. And it can make you think a lot about life.

I was recently back at the college I graduated from. I spent two years at Briercrest. I learned and grew a lot in my time there. We arrived a day early for the reason we were there, so I had time to explore the community . . . 17 years after I finished school there.

I wandered the once very familiar streets of the small town - noticing what what had changed and how much was still exactly the same. As I did, memories of friends, the crazy things we did as college students, classes, profs, and dorm life came flooding back.

After a bit of walking, the flood of memories slowed and I started thinking about other things. I started reflecting on how things have gone in my life both when I was a student there and the time since. Specifically about some of the things to do with circumstances in life.

If you've read what I've written about the last few years, you'll know I've written a lot about singleness in the church. And this is where my thoughts were again.

When I was growing up, going to a Christian school for any amount of time for post-secondary was seen as basically a guarantee that you would find the person you were going to marry. So spending two years at Briercrest and not having gone on a date with someone was seen as strange in the circles I was part of. In fact, it was a bit of a joke in my family that I had "failed" Bible college because I came home single.

It was this experience that made me realize how easily we believe things without thinking them through and make them a part of our assumptions. If you had asked me why I was going to Briercrest, I would have given you a lot of reasons, none of which included finding someone to marry. And all of them were absolutely reasons why I chose to go.

What I didn't realize was that I'd bought in the assumptions that gave Bible colleges the nickname "Bridal College" and made the quip "ring by spring or your money back" so popular in places I was. All these things were said in jest, but there was a degree to which everyone also assumed they were true and believed them.

I never would have said these things out loud or acknowledged I believed them, but they had become a part of what I thought, believed, assumed. So to graduate after two years still very much single and hear jokes about failing because I was still single was harder than I was prepared for. It revealed the things in the church culture I had grown up in that I had just taken in without thinking about it.

And I think it's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the assumptions we believe without even realizing it. Especially when it comes to singleness in the church.

So, what do we do with those assumptions?

How do we become more aware of the assumptions we're believing and how they impact our lives?

And what do we do when we become aware of them?

I think we have to start with asking ourselves why we believe the things we do. That's how we might begin to see where these assumptions are in our lives. 

And when we become aware of them, we can choose to see them differently.

In my case, I realized as I wandered the streets and buildings at Briercrest, I was finally in a place where I didn't feel like I had failed or that something was wrong with my because I graduated Bible college single. But, I also know it took me a long time to get to that place, because of the assumptions I had believed.

The Hardest Sunday to go to Church

 Some dates on the calendar are difficult ones for all of us for a variety of reasons.

As I flipped my calendar to the month of May yesterday, I realized we were fast approaching what I would call the hardest Sunday of the entire year for me, and many others, to go to church.

What is that Sunday?

It's Mother's Day.

When I tell people that, some have a list of reasons why I might not want to go to church this particular Sunday. But, many others have no idea why.

Let me tell you why . . .

Most Sundays I go to church and I sit surrounded by couple and families. Some Sundays, I feel acutely out of place as a single person with no kids of my own. Other Sundays I hardly notice that.

But, on Mother's Day . . . that feeling of being out of place is amplified. 

I can't tell you the number of Mother's Day Sundays I've sat in church where mothers are celebrated - applauded as they're asked to stand, given gifts as they leave the service - & I've wrestled with how it makes me feel. The way I feel ignored again.

I know that there's nothing malicious about it. There's no plan of making me, and others like me, feel ignored. I see the desire to honour mothers for the very important role they play, for all they do. And I know it's needed. I watch my sister as a single mom and I don't think she gets enough recognition for all she does.

But, I do wonder if there's a way to honour mothers without making it incredibly obvious who doesn't have kids. I wonder if there's a way to celebrate and acknowledge the role of mothers in our lives that doesn't leave some feeling like they're ignored, or unvalued.

Maybe, as we return to what feels more like normal after a couple years of not being able to do this, we can change the way we do things?

Maybe, we can look for ways to give gifts that don't mean people are basically asking if you're a mom as you leave the service. (Yes, I've had this happen. It was one of the worst feelings in my life.)

Maybe, we can celebrate the way even those of us who aren't moms still play a role in the lives of kids and others in our lives alongside mothers - at least in the public parts of what we do.

Dear Grandma

 As I walk through a year of firsts without my Grandma around, there are times and things that I reflect on. Tonight as I sit I'm reflecting on Easter and memories around it. Choosing to remember the good.

This post is the form of a letter to my Grandma.

Dear Grandma,

Today was Easter Sunday. I thought of you a lot today. The first Easter Sunday without you . . . except it had already been a few years since you were able to be at church or our family gathering. Not just because of COVID, the last few years, but even before that. Son, in some ways it was the first resurrection Sunday without you, and in other ways it wasn't. But, no matter what, I thought of you a lot today.

As we sang songs pointing to the resurrection and about eternity with Jesus, I pictured you today. Standing in Jesus' presence today. No more body or mind failing you. In the presence of your Savior forevermore. I could almost hear your voice singing praises to God, as I know you always loved to do here. 

In the midst of all the things we do on holidays, you always made sure we were reminded of the real reason why we gathered to celebrate. You always made sure we didn't forget. You pointed us to Jesus. On Easter Sunday, you pointed us to the empty tomb and our risen Savior.

As my Mom & I made the potatoes and got the ham ready, my mind was filled with memories of you in your kitchen. Always busy getting something ready, making sure nothing was missed for dinner. Even in your busy-ness of making sure it was all ready on time, you welcomed us grandkids into your kitchen to help. As we got older, I'm sure we actually helped, but sometimes I wonder if in those early years, we made more work for you by helping. Yet, you didn't turn us away when we wanted to help - you found something we could do.

As we sat at the table to eat together, I missed the large family gatherings at your house. This one was smaller . . . just 7 of us this day. It's been that way for a while. You were unable to come already by the time the thing happened that shrunk our family gatherings so much. I know that family was so important to you. As much as having us all in your house all day wore you out, I also remember the smile on your face when we all squeezed together to fit around the table. 

(And I remember how anyone in your reach had to watch their plate carefully. You never knew when you would decide someone hadn't eaten enough and would add more food to their plate when they weren't looking.)

Even, as I served my food today. I dutifully took at least one scoop of everything on the table. The "no thank you" helping (you always had to take one scoop of every dish on the table, no matter what, even if you didn't like it or didn't think you would) that was the rule at your house while I was growing up, still directs me when I'm serving food. I wasn't a fan of that rule as a kid, but it has served me well as an adult.

As we put the paska (Mennonite Easter bread), on the table after dinner, I noticed that no one had gotten the sprinkles out yet. I had to go and find them before we could eat it. I remembered how you always made sure there was an abundance of them on the paska before you served it. I never understood why, and I really still don't, but paska was always served with icing and sprinkles (yes, on bread . . . a sweet bread, but bread). And I will always eat it that way.

Today, I missed you. I missed your smile, your laugh, your hugs. I missed hearing you sing with joy as you celebrated our risen Savior. 

But, I know you were celebrating in a way I can only imagine right now. A way you weren't able to for so many years at the end. And that brings me joy in the midst of tears because you're not here with us anymore.

Love you always, 

Tamara

What If We Stopped Trying to Always Have an Answer for People's Struggling?

 "I'm really struggling with anxiety right now. I'm not sure I can handle going to that tonight."

"You just need to give it to Jesus. The Bible tells us to cast our anxieties on Jesus. You just need to do that to be okay."

That conversation, or a version of it, is one I've had more times than I can count in my life - and always where I was the one struggling with anxiety.

"My anxiety has been really high lately. I'm struggling to keep it under control and I don't know what to do."

"You should read Philippians 4:6-7. Those are good verses about how to deal with anxiety."

When you finally get the courage to let someone know you're struggling, and you get a few verses of Scripture essentially thrown at you and then the other person walks away.

In both of these conversations, the other person means well. They want to care and support, but they don't know how.

Why?

Because, far too often in the church, we've turned a struggle with mental illness into a faith issue. We read the verses that talk about anxiety and assume they apply to every person who struggles the exact same way.

We all have times when we get caught up in worry, caught up in some anxious thoughts about something. And, we can easily assume that everyone who talks about having anxiety is talking about exactly this.

But, for some of us, it goes beyond that. It's not just some anxious thoughts; it becomes something that controls our lives. We often know that the thoughts in our heads are irrational, that they've gone so much further than someone else's would. But, that doesn't mean we can stop them.

So, these words to give it to Jesus or to read Scripture feel like they fall short. Because they do; they don't acknowledge the full picture.

In a book I was reading on this recently, the author wrote about it this way:

"The problem is, we often confuse mental health with spiritual health, but the two are not one and the same. If anything, mental health has more in common with physical health than it does with spiritual health because the mind-body connection is on that can't be denied by modern science. The brain is a vital organ of the body, and when the brain is sick, it impacts every other part of the body. Mental illness doesn't reflect a character issue. it reflects a chemistry issue." (Debra Fileta, Are You Really OK?, pg. 160)

Changing how we respond to this in the church is important. And, it is something that has improved significantly in recent years in the church. We've come a long way, but we still have a ways to go.

When I bring this up with people in conversation, I often get the question of what they should do instead.

What is helpful? What can you do when someone says they're struggling with anxiety?

I'll be honest, I struggled for a while with knowing how to answer this question. What did I really need from someone when I said that?

But, I've realized that I actually have examples in my life of exactly what I do need in those times. From friends who did what I needed without them knowing they were doing it or me knowing I needed them to.

What did they do?

They sat with me. They let me know they were there and didn't try to fix it. They just let me know I wasn't alone in the struggle.

They were present with me, exactly as I was in the moment.

I think we often feel like we have to have a great response when someone tells us they're struggling. But, in doing so, we easily make other people's challenges out to be something simple and easily solved, when they're often much more difficult.

But, what if we learned to sit with people. To be present. And not feel like we always had to have an answer.

I think that can be much more powerful and encouraging for people.

When it Feels Like Your Prayer Isn't Being Answered

 Have you ever prayed for God to move in a situation only to feel like God didn't answer?

Have you ever asked God to heal someone and it seems like that healing doesn't come?

I'd say we can probably all answer yes to these questions. And answering yes, sometimes makes it hard to be bold enough to ask for anything else in our prayers.

But, what if I told you that God has answered those prayers you've prayed. 

How do you react to that? Does it bring you relief? Or do you have a list of situations where you're sure God didn't answer come immediately to mind?

If you can, put those objections to the side for a few minutes. Ask yourself these questions:

When I prayed, did I ask for God to work His will or did I pray that He would do exactly what I wanted, the way I wanted Him to do it?

Did I look for God to answer only exactly the way I thought He would? Or did I ask for evidence of Him at work?

This doesn't mean we don't pray bold prayers. It doesn't mean we don't ask God to heal people. But, we also keep ourselves open to God answering in ways we didn't expect.

We have a discussion about this at a Bible study I'm part of recently. We'd all had times when we prayed for God to do something only He could do and it felt like He hadn't answered. But, when we really started talking about at least some of the those times, we could see that God did work. It just didn't look exactly like we thought it should.

So, what happens then? How do we reconcile this with what Scripture says?

Jesus tells us to ask and He says that He will respond.

Matthew 7:7-11 says:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks the door will be opened.

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!"

It would be easy to read these verses and decide that God just gives us what we ask for exactly how we want it. And, while we often wouldn't say it out loud, we think this way and it's what leads to the disappointment when we feel like our prayers aren't being answered.

But, when we make that assumption, we miss something about what Jesus is saying here - something important.

Jesus is saying that the gifts God gives are good - often better than we imagine.

But, when we've decided how the answer to our prayer should look, we may miss out on how God is answering it - in His much better way. God's much better way may look different than what we would consider an answer. And we can miss it if we're only looking for a specific answer.

A few years ago, in a podcast I was listening to, I heard someone say, "God always answers our prayers for healing." They paused here for effect... and I got annoyed. They went on to say, "Sometimes that healing comes on earth and sometimes it doesn't come until the person needing healing is in heaven." We don't like that idea. We want the healing now. We want the family member, friend, restored. We don't want to lose them. But, there's truth to that. Healing on earth may not look like we expect, but it will be God's better plan.

I've been wrestling with this a lot recently. I have a few prayers that I have been praying for a while - some for a year, some for years longer than that - and it doesn't seem like God is answering them. But, when I became intentional about looking for how God might be working in ways I didn't expect, I began to see things I didn't see before. I saw how God was working. I may not see the results I want, but I can trust God that He is working. And that gives me boldness to keep praying those prayers.

So, where do you need to let go of your picture of what an answer to your prayer should look like and instead look for the ways God might be moving instead?

When You Feel on the Outside

 It was another one of those moments when I felt like I didn't really belong. No one said it. No one was trying to make me feel that way. But, in that moment, it's what I felt.

I was sitting around the lunch room table with my coworkers for our usual Friday morning coffee and donuts. Conversation and laughter was plentiful. But, on that day I felt like I was sitting outside of the group, eavesdropping on a conversation I wasn't a part of. A conversation I couldn't be part of.

Most days, the fact that I'm single and have no kids doesn't matter. The reality that I'm the only one in the office without a spouse or kids isn't noticed or mentioned. And it didn't come up on this Friday either - at least not in anything any of my coworkers said.

But, for me, that was all I could of that day. As stories about things they'd done with their families or that their kids had done or said were shared, I felt completely outside of the conversation. I didn't have any of that to share. I'd spent my evenings for the last week sitting at home alone. And I sometimes secretly wondered if others got tired of all my contributions being about my niece.

The experience I had that morning left me thinking about things. I've written a lot in the last few years about singles and the church, about what the Bible actually says about singleness, and about friendship as a single person. But, I've never really written about what it looks like at work.

Maybe because, in some ways, my work environment is different from most others because I work for a Christian organization.

But, I think it's more because I was hoping that there was one place in my life where being single didn't impact things. Except, being single and not having kids is part of who I am regardless of the setting. 

So, what is my point? Conclusion? The reason why I wrote this?

It really has little to do with work. It's about the moments when you feel like you're on the outside, eavesdropping on a conversation. And how that can sometimes feel as a single person.

Even though we don't want to always be focusing on our differences in groups of various kinds. It's worth taking time to be aware that not everyone in the group has the same set of circumstances in life. Regardless of the similarities that brought you together, there are differences and it is helpful to be aware of that.

There are times when being sensitive to other's lives in conversation is important. Being aware gives us grace for the moments when someone feels like they're outside the conversation. Most of the time, there's no intention by anyone to make someone feel like they don't fit in the conversation. It happens without planning and no one is aware of it except for the person who feels that way.

Sometimes it may be something as simple as shifting the conversation for a while. When you notice someone has gone quiet or seems to be disengaging from the conversation, that could be a sign it's time to change the topic for a bit.

It comes down to making sure that everyone feels cared about. Taking the time to acknowledge all the people present - even the quiet ones.

That Friday morning conversation with my coworkers, changed for me when one of my coworkers asked a question about something they knew I was doing with my niece. In that simple question, I no longer felt like I was outside the conversation, or that no one there wanted to hear more about my niece. 

It really can be that simple. But, it means we have to be paying attention and be aware of what people are experiencing.

When We Just Need a Hug

 We're living in a world where hugs, handshakes, pats on the back seem like distant memories.

I wrote a post a little over a year ago talking about why hugs are so important as a single person. Really it was about why people getting physically close to us is important. 

Lamenting the sudden lack of physical touch and the need it revealed.

Now that we're two years into this new reality, it's something that has come up again. While it might not feel quite as taboo to be close enough to someone to touch them at this point, the rules have still changed. There's a hesitancy. A constant need to ask a question first.

And I get it. I understand. Some people still aren't comfortable with it. Some people never were and are enjoying the way it is now better. I always want to be respectful of people and where they're at.

But, here's the other side - from someone who has been living it for two years.

I need that hug.

I need that hand on my shoulder.

I need that person who gets closer to me than 2 meters away.

My new reality has become that I can easily go 3 to 4 days without anyone getting anywhere close to me. And the only regular hug I can count on getting comes every time I see my niece.

I feel the lack of it. 

I feel it in the tension in my shoulders that has become the norm.

I feel it in the increased irritability that seems to always be there.

And I feel it in the positive effects when I do receive a hug. When the tension and irritability seem to soften for a bit.

As I've been reading through the gospels lately, I've noticed something I'd never really paid attention to before. When Jesus healed people, He almost always touched them in the process. His words alone were powerful enough to heal them. He didn't need to put His hands on them. Yet, He most often did.

Why?

I think Jesus knew the healing and restoring power of physical touch. He saw these people requesting healing ad He knew they need more than just the removal of the disease or physical infirmity. He saw the pain and suffering caused by being outside of community and He healed that too.

We also see Jesus prioritizing healthy physical touch when people were bringing their children to Him and His disciples tried to send parents away. Jesus stopped His disciples and made the children coming to Him important.

Jesus' ministry show us an example of physical touch in healthy ways being important. And, now, we live in a society where it's been pushed aside, where the rules for it have change significantly. But, our need for it hasn't changed.

So, what do we do now? How do we more forward?

As things shift again, we need to make space for those who are comfortable with it and need it, to get those hugs again, to have someone actually sit beside them.

Because I know the difference hug makes. I just experienced in a surprise, short visit with a friend.

A Post About Dating . . . Maybe?

 Dating as an older Christian single.

I never expected to be writing those words or using them to describe myself. While I'm still younger than many, I'm no longer in the age group that almost all writing on Christian dating is aimed at.

In Christian circles, it seems that all dating advice is aimed at high school and college-aged people. And when I read it as someone nearing 40, it doesn't connect with or relate to where I'm at. And things that are part of the world for older Christian singles aren't even mentioned. 

I feel incredibly unqualified to even attempt to write about this topic. I'm not an expert. I actually haven't been on a date in almost 10 years - something that I wonder if is, in part, affected by some of the ways dating as a Christian has been viewed or taught.

But, as I think more about what it means to be a single Christian adult in the church today, this is a topic that can't be ignored. As the number of singles in our churches grows, we need to talk about it more.

When I mentioned that the number of single people in our churches was growing to someone a few months ago, they commented that it should make it easier to meet someone at church now. A logical assumption. But, not a true assumption.

When I'm sitting in church on a Sunday morning, there's no way to know who else might be single. And the way we structure our adult ministries at church means the chances of every knowing are pretty slim. I would never say that things at church should be all about meeting people to date. I don't want that to dominate my mind. But, if I'm looking for a Christian man, then it does seem logical that it would be easier to meet them at church - even though that's not the case in my experience.

In most churches I know of, adult ministries fall into one of three categories: men, women, and married. Some churches may have something for single parents or those who have been divorced. Those are great places to focus ministries and reach many people. But, as a single Christian woman, I only fit into one of those categories, that means Sunday morning services are the only time I could possibly get to know anyone besides other women.

Don't get me wrong. We need men's ministries, women's ministries, and married's ministries. They're important. We need ministries to single parents and those dealing with the fall out from divorce. They're needed.

But what about singles who haven't been married and don't have kids? Where do we go? Where so we belong?

Some women's ministries do better than others at welcoming single women. I'm thankful my church does. But, sometimes we can unintentionally set up women's ministry to revolve around being a good wife and/or a good mother, that leaves a growing number of women out.

I have many conversations with people at church who are inquiring if I'm still single and expressing hope that one day I'll get married. That's something I'd like too, but I don't know how it will happen when I don't even know where or how I'd meet someone.

As far as a post on dating, this probably didn't go in the direction you were expecting - so, thank you for keeping on reading. It's not exactly where I thought it was going either. But, I'm beginning to see it as the place we have to start.

Not every person who is single in our churches is interested in dating or wants to get married. But, it might be worth reflecting on how we can allow space in our adult ministries for people to meet each other - not making it the focus, but space for it to happen in the midst of all else, in things that aren't just geared for young adults.

Unintended, Yet Unfair Assumptions We Make in Christian Circles

 I was working on a Bible study recently and ended up very frustrated by one of the questions. I had to chose not to get hung up on the way I was completely left out of the majority of the question in how it was worded. 

And it's far from the first time that has happened. It has happened over and over again.

The question in this study asked you to fill in the blanks for a couple of prompts. The first blank was about childhood. 

No problem.

The second blank, which I, perhaps naively, expected to be about young adulthood or adulthood in general, was specifically about marriage or a dating relationship. 

In just a few words on a page, I felt immediately excluded. I was frustrated. Angry even.

Why?

Because, once again, I was left feeling like I'm on the outside of the norm in Christian circles. Once again, I was in a situation where there was an assumption that everyone participating was married or in a serious dating relationship moving toward marriage. 

Once again, being single had no space. 

Now, before you tell me I'm over-reacting to a single question . . . let me remind you that this isn't a one off thing I deal with. Much of my world, especially the church world, treats me differently because I'm still single at almost 40 years old. I'm regularly ignored in sermons at church. I'm regularly left out of ideas for workshops or seminars that inevitably focus on marriage and parenting - or getting ready for these things if you're not already. 

I'm regularly told I don't fit in the norms of Christian circles.

Put yourself in my shoes for a bit and then look at this question again. It quickly becomes one more place where I'm put on the outside of the norm - where I'm different and don't fit.

I don't think this is done intentionally or maliciously. But, that does little to change the hurt it causes. Just because someone didn't remember that at least some of those working through the study would be single and wrote a question they weren't even aware would leave people out, doesn't mean it didn't hurt - that it doesn't hurt every time. It doesn't mean I didn't feel rejected again. And this is far from the only Bible study where I've had it come up.

So, what do we do?

We speak up and we listen to each other - really listen to hear what people are saying, not what we want to hear.

Those of us who are single need to keep telling people about how this unintentional, and at least sometimes, unfair, speech hurts. We have to tell of the pain, the frustration, the anger, the feelings of exclusion and rejection. Even if it feels like we're a broken record, repeating the same things over and over.

And we all need to learn to listen to each other. We need to listen to and try to understand the hurt. We need to listen to and try to understand the apologies and the questions from people who didn't know.