I could see I had a few messages waiting and some indicators of interest.
I hadn't checked this in a few days. I was still trying to make sense of the next stage of interactions with someone from that last time.
Was I ready to look at it again?
What if those waiting messages were from him again?
What if all the indicators of interest were the same as in the past?
Did I want to keep spending money on this every month? Or was it time to quit?
What are these thoughts about?
The world of online dating and all that comes with it.
As I've written about life as a single woman in the church long past when many think I should have been married, I realize this is a topic I've stayed far away from. Online dating . . . really dating at all.
The reasons have been myriad. From not being sure anyone wanted to read about it. To the mixed bag of experiences I and people I know have had with it. To the pressure that this topic often seems to bring.
But, I've had a few conversations lately about my own desire to marriage, the challenges of being older and still single, and the additional challenges of COVID when it comes to meeting anyone. And the question I'm inevitably asked in these conversations is if I've tried online dating and the latest dating app.
The answers. Online dating? Yes, on a few occasions. The latest dating app? No. I got tired of trying to meet people virtually in my online dating attempts, so the latest app doesn't even get my attention for a second.
Every person's experience is different. I know of a few couples who met online and are happily married. One couple were both friends of mine from different circles who met that way.
But, those experiences are far from what mine were. And no amount of telling I should be willing to spend the money and time if I'm serious about wanting to get married undoes my experiences.
Let me expand a bit on what I wrote at the start and the online dating experience for those who have never had the "pleasure" (maybe "dis-pleasure") of trying it, but are quick to suggest it as the solution.
First comes the time in front of a screen to start. I don't know what the apps are like, but for all 3 of the online dating sites I've been on, it starts with creating your profile. This isn't like your Facebook or Instagram profile. Even just answering the basic questions take an hour or more. If you want your profile to stand out to others looking, then it's longer than that.
The comes the possible matches. The site takes your profile answers and highlights profiles it thinks would be a good match (algorithms, before they became a dreaded Facebook thing). That leaves you with lots of profiles to read through. And you do being to wonder about things when your number 1 match is someone you broke up with because at the core you were two people who didn't work together.
Over time, you start getting messages on the site, or other indications of interest (someone didn't just read your profile and move on - on one site they could send you a "wink to indicate interest). When I first saw those, I was kind of excited. Until I looked at who it was . . . nine out of ten of the indicators of interest were from men my dad's age or older - some even as old as my grandpa. Not what I expected, or what I was looking for (and I had made sure I was clear on the age range I was open to in my profile). So, indicators of interest became mostly creepy feeling, not something important.
Then there's the messages. This one started out well. An opportunity to start a conversation with someone - to get to know them more. All through the online dating site though, so no personal contact information exchanged yet. Sometimes things go on for a while here and sometimes they don't.
I had one particularly memorable message conversation . . . one that was the final thing that made me cancel my membership on all the sites for good. I went into this all with the mindset of giving everyone a chance (except for my ex because I already knew that wasn't a good match).
So, despite not really being interested in moving overseas for someone, I responded to a message from someone in Europe. My profile was clear that I wasn't interested in that kind of a move - unless there was some sort of crazy connection pretty quick. And after a few messages, I re-iterated that to him because I didn't want to waste his time or mine.
His message back astonished, horrified, and terrified me. I can still see the words clearly, as he told me that we could keep getting to know each other while he prayed God would change my mind so I could be a good wife. Instant red flags!!!
I simply replied that I was no longer interested in conversation, thinking that was it. I was wrong. A few days later, all those messages I had were from him.
That was the end of my online dating foray. I cancelled my memberships on all sites I was on and I've never looked back.
Some may say I gave up too quickly. Everyone is welcome to their own opinions. I've got my experience and that drive that decision. And I've reconsidered since (especially in the last year and a half when the whole world moved online), but just don't want to go there again.
So, why do I share this? What's my purpose in writing this?
It comes from my recent conversations about this where I've been asked if I've tried this. I know the question comes from a good place. From a place of caring. But, unless I ask specifically, when I share my desire for marriage with you, I'm not looking for a solution from you (although if you know someone personally who you think I might click with, I'm open to you offering to arrange a way for us to meet). In that moment, I'm trusting you with part of my heart and I just need you to listen.
